


I had a dream, once

by orphan_account



Series: Dreams [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Manipulation, Engagement, Exile, Fluff, I am so sorry for making Kili be like this, M/M, Manipulation, One-Sided Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Quest, Racism, Ravens, Slow Build, True Love, Unrequited Love, and letters, animal cruelty in chapter 29, because, completely nonsensical geography that makes no sense, dub con, it gets better though, the Orocarni, the other dwarves of middle Earth, vague references to canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-23 07:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 105,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Kili asked to court Ori was the happiest in the young dwarf's life, as were all the following.<br/>He was in love, and happy. He was engaged to the dwarf he loved. They were happy.<br/>Until the day Kili had him exiled.<br/>Everything changed then, in bad... and sometimes in good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the quest

**Author's Note:**

> please, do read the tags. This fic isn't a happy one, at least not for the first few chapters (things WILL get better). I am not exagerating when I say there's dub-con (some of it is probably even non-con) and abuse and manipulation  
> Ori is the equivalent of 16 at first, and about 17 when the quest begins (this being the age Adam Brown gave for him in an interview) so he's.. you know. A teenager in love with someone a bit older than him.  
> If you feel there are tags/warnings I should add, please do tell me?

Ori knew that, had things been different, he wouldn’t have been Kili’s first choice. Or his second choice. In fact, he knew that he probably wouldn’t have been in his list of possible choices at all if there had been any other option available. Luckily for him, he was the only dwarf of Kili’s age for miles around who wasn’t closely related to him.

He was also madly in love with Kili, who was so brave and strong and amazing and funny and had a sort of exotic beauty about him. The prince was a bit older than Ori, by nearly ten years, but that only made him all the more wonderful fascinating and attractive. So when he had turned  sixty five and Kili had asked to court him, Ori had been the happiest dwarf in the world.

It hadn’t been easy, of course. He was as young as a dwarf involved in a courtship could be, and his mother hadn’t liked it at all.

“It never ends well to court so young,” she’d said. “You know what happened between me and Dori’s father, and how it ended. I don’t want to risk having something like that happening to you.”

“But I love him, Mama! He’s my One, I know it, he’s the one Mahal meant just for me!”

“You love him, yes, but does he love you back?”

Of course he didn’t, Ori thought. Young and foolishly in love he might have been, but the scribe wasn’t stupid, and he was aware that his affections weren’t fully returned. Not yet. It would come, though. After all the point of courting, and later on of being engaged, was to get to learn one another and to finish seducing each other, wasn’t it?

“He asked to court me, didn’t he?” Ori eventually answered. “Even if it’s not love yet, it’s got to mean something, right? Oh, please Mama, don’t say no, please! I love him so much, please give us a chance!”

“He’s a prince, and his mother and uncle have approved of it... I can’t say no, even if I do want to. But be careful, pet, and if anything goes wrong, if he ever hurts you in any way, if he does anything you don’t like... you will tell me, won’t you?”

Ori promised. He would have promised anything to be allowed to be with Kili.

It wasn’t easy, of course. As much as he adored Kili, Ori knew the young prince and him were very different dwarves, with very different interests and passions. But that wasn’t a problem for the scribe, who was more than willing to learn everything about everything his friend loved; he came to watch Kili training whenever he could. He even tried to participate sometimes, with mitigated success. Kili’s patience with him had its good and its bad days. 

Usually, when they were alone, he was too focused on archery to care about anything else, or he just wanted to kiss. Both were fine with Ori, really. Kili was such a great archer that it was always a pleasure to watch him, and kissing was very, very nice. But still, Ori liked it better when there was Dwalin or Fili with them. Dwalin in particular was very nice to him, teaching him to use all sorts of weapons and claiming he was good at it.

“You’re like your older brother,” he claimed. “Very strong dwarf, Dori. Maybe the strongest I’ve ever met... shame that he doesn’t have the right temper, he’d make a frightful warrior... and so would you.”

“Ori doesn’t have a warrior’s soul,” Kili claimed with a grin. “He’s a soft little thing, the only thing he loves is his writings and drawings, so he’s wasting his strength as much as Dori. But of course, that’s how we all love him, and we wouldn’t want him to change, would we?”

Ori smiled at him, as did Dwalin, but Fili just glared at them, and grumbled something about them needing less sentimentalism and more training.

But that was nothing unusual. Fili, apparently, wasn’t too happy with his brother’s courting. Not that Ori could blame him, of course: he was still surprised that Dis and Thorin had allowed Kili to try to bring a bastard into the family, and Fili was more than justified in his dislike of the situation. It couldn’t look good to have a mother’s son married to a prince, even if he was a prince without a kingdom. Still, Ori hoped that things would get better between them with some time. After all, they would be family some day, and Fili was such a nice dwarf when he wanted, almost as nice as Kili.

 

Their courting followed the rule pretty closely, all things considered. They exchanged gifts at the right time, and learned about each other’s trade, and both agreed that they couldn’t be engaged until Ori had finished his apprenticeship. That would come soon enough. Ori was working extra hard for it, impatient for their engagement, because it was another step toward living the rest of his life with his One.

The only rule they didn’t really follow was the one about sex. They weren’t supposed to be intimate until they were properly engaged, but as Kili had pointed out to him, it was a stupid rule. Kili himself had finished his own apprenticeship, but it could be years before Ori finished his, so their engagement wouldn’t happen for quite a while. It would happen, though. Kili said so, and Ori trusted him, and it all felt so good, so why refuse? And Kili was always so nice and tender when they made love, treating Ori as if he were something delicate and precious, and didn’t he love that... One more thing he loved about his prince, his One.

They had been courting for three years when Ori, finally, finished his apprenticeship. Less than a month later, they celebrated their engagement, at last. It was the happiest period of his life. He loved that they were now wearing each other’s braid, that they no longer had to refrain demonstrations of affection in public. He almost died of sheer happiness the first time Kili kissed him before others. Of course the downside of it was that Kili was boasting about their... more intimate moments, but as he said himself, he only did it because what he had with Ori was so fantastic that he wanted to share the brilliance of their love with the world. The scribe sometimes felt that it was more crass details than actual love that was shown thus, but he mostly felt touched by Kili’s words. The prince rarely actually spoke of his love for Ori, so everything he said was kept away and treasured.

 

It didn’t last.

Three months after their engagement party, Thorin announced his intention to reclaim Erebor, and his desire to take his nephews with him on that quest. As he explained, they were good warriors, and this was their inheritance too. Fili quickly agreed, because more than anything he wanted to please his uncle, and wherever Fili went Kili would go too, like a shadow ready to help and protect him, at any cost.

When Ori asked for permission to come, he thought he would be denied. He wasn’t a warrior, he wasn’t even vaguely skilled with weapons, he had not talent that could be of use on that quest, but the idea of being separated from his fiancé, even for a single day, was more than he could bear, and so he tried anyway.

To his surprise, Thorin said yes.

“You have a good influence on Kili,” was his explanation for that decision. “And it would be cruel to bring you apart when you have only just started to truly be together. Not to mention that when attempting such a quest, it can always be good to have a scribe in a company, if one wants to make sure one’s story will be told as it really happened.”

“Thank you, my king! I will... I will try to be worthy of this! I won’t disappoint you, my king, I promise!”

Thorin smiled kindly at him, and suggested he should go tell Kili about this new turn of event. Ori, who had planned to do just that anyway, thank him again, and ran away to join his beloved.

As usual, the young prince was on the training ground. He had done little else but practice archery and sword fighting since the first announcement of the quest, barely even having time to talk to Ori (though they did still find time to make love, because Kili would have had to be dying to not have the time and energy for that). That day was no exception, and Kili was fighting against Dwalin along his brother, the two princes perfecting their moves and coordination. Ori watched them for a moment, enjoying once more how perfectly Kili moved, and how he always managed to be there for Fili, exactly at the right place, always... But then again, it was what being the king’s heir’s brother was about: Kili existed to stand by Fili’s side, more than anything else.

When at last the three of them looked like they were done for the moment, Ori ran to his fiancé and jumped to his neck, kissing him with as much passion as he dared in public.

“You seem in a good mood today,” Kili noted.

“I am! I’ve talked to Thorin, like you said I should, and he’s agreed, I can come too! I’ll be the Company’s scribe, he said!”

“Really? Good job Ori! Oh, this quest is going to be a lot nicer with you around! You’ll have to train a lot before though, or you’ll just be a dead weight. Hey, Dwalin, d’you think you could make him practice? I won’t be able to, I’ve got to train with Fili, and to help uncle with things.”

Dwalin quickly agreed, claiming he rather liked Ori. The scribe was touched by that: he knew the warrior too was very busy with preparations, and also that he wasn’t the sort to say he liked someone just to be nice. It made him feel... accepted, in a way. Like he was part of the family already.

Fili, on the other hand, didn’t react so well.

“Ori can’t come!” he exclaimed when Dwalin started discussing what sort of weapon he should have. “This is ridiculous! He can’t come! Kili, you’ve got to go and tell uncle that he can’t let this happen!”

He looked more furious than Ori had ever seen him, as if the scribe coming with them was somehow a personal insult of some sort. So much for being part of the family then.

“You’re being stupid,” Kili sighed. “He’ll manage well enough. Won’t you, Ori? You’ll do your best to be worthy of the honour uncle is doing you?”

“Of course! F-Fear not, Fili, I will... I won’t be a bother, I won’t slow you down, I’ll do my best and then some more! I’ll be worthy of your uncle’s trust, and I’ll do all it takes to be with Kili!”

For a short second, there was an almost pained looked on the oldest prince face as he looked at Ori, but it was all replaced with anger when he turned again to his brother.

“It’s nothing to do with Ori’s worth, and we both know it,” Fili growled at Kili. “You’re just making him come so you’ll have someone to keep you warm at night. Come on Kee, if you care for him just a little, tell uncle to not let him come! It’s far too dangerous, he’ll get himself killed! Please Kili, don’t do that to him...”

“I won’t get killed!” Ori protested. “I’ll be careful, I’ll do my best, I’ll be worthy of being Kili’s fiancé! Oh, Kee, don’t make your uncle change his mind! I want to be with you, please! It would kill me to stay behind. I don’t care that it’s dangerous, or that we might die, I just want to be with you!”

Kili laughed, and pulled him close to take him in his arm, smirking at his brother.

“You’ve heard him,” the younger prince said. “He thinks staying behind will kill him. Can’t have his death on my conscience, can I? And you should be ashamed to not have a little more faith in him. I’m sure he’ll manage.”

Fili glared at him, until Dwalin put a hand on his shoulder.

“Your brother’s right, Ori will be fine,” he claimed. “I’ll prepare him for the travel, and I’ll keep an eye on him during the quest. I’m supposed to protect the royal family after all, and now he’s pretty much one of you, isn’t he? So treat him as family, Fili, _if you can_.”

The oldest prince glowered at the warrior, before throwing an angry look at his brother and Ori, as if their very existence annoyed him at the moment.

“Do as you wish,” he spat. “I’ll still try to make uncle see some reason.”

And with these words he left, striding away. For a while after Ori was nervous, worried that Fili would convince Thorin to not let him come (as his heir, he could influence the king more easily than anyone else, probably). But a few days later, Kili told him that in spite of a great, heated argument between his brother and uncle, he was still allowed to join the quest.

But from that day on, Fili avoided him at all times, and whenever there was a family gathering to which Ori was invited, the young dwarf noticed that Thorin took great pains to make sure his oldest nephew never got anywhere near him.

He dared not imagine what Fili could have said against him to deserve such distrust, and to be fair it pained him a little. He had always liked and admired the blond prince, even if they had never been particularly close. He could only hope that by the time Erebor was reclaimed, he would have proven to his future brother-in-law that he was more than the weak little scribe Fili believed him to be.

 

Things weren’t easy on the quest.

They all closely escaped death more than once, and Ori thought his last hour had come at least a dozen time.

He didn’t die, though. 

He didn’t die, and he did just _great_ , if he said so himself. He wasn’t a warrior, would never be one, and Dori had entirely refused that he be given a weapon, arguing that he would not be fighting anyway (ah! Thank the Maker, Dwalin had gifted him his war-hammer, claiming that Ori was more than worthy of it, after their fight in the globins’ caves) but he had still done just great. Part of him had been surprised by it, really. He knew he wasn’t a fighter (Kili had told him often enough, it was almost a joke between them) so he’d been impressed at how easily it had come to him.

“Shouldn’t be so surprised,” Nori told him one day in Laketown. “Ma’s never been someone you want to make angry, and you Da... Mahal, your Da. He was even smaller than you, but.. I insulted him, once. _Once_.”

Ori had giggled at the expression of mock terror on his brother’s face.

Nori had been the other good surprise of that quest. He’d never really been home at all, because of some huge argument that had happened between him and Dori and Ari, when Ori had still been a baby. But travelling together had been the occasion to get to know each other, and Ori had loved that. His brother was the most fascinating dwarf of all time, and he had so many incredible things to teach him.

Mostly, he taught Ori to _look_. Because seeing things gave you information, and information was power, “and we can all do with a little more power than we have, especially when you’re a bastard, especially when you’re engaged to a prince”. Nori believed in the power of information, and he taught to Ori everything he could think of. Everything had a meaning with him, from the tone of one’s voice to their posture, the gestures they made as they talked, the way their face moved when they smiled... Nori taught him to read people like a book, and it was _fun_.

Dori entirely disapproved, of course, but that didn’t matter because Dori always disapproved... and because thanks to their combined efforts, Nori and Ori had managed to figure out that their eldest brother and Lord Balin had something of a soft spot for each other.

Nori also taught his little brother how to manipulate people, “for their own good, of course”.

Ori also learned how to make bets and always be sure to win.

It got him a little money when in Laketown Balin and Dori announced their intention to get engaged.

It was, in the end, a very educative quest.

Ori just wished he had not had to also learn what madness looked like... madness and betrayal and war. Thorin had been so terrifying when he had fallen under the spell of gold sickness... and even his nephews had been... Fili had just been strange and avoided him even more than usual, but Kili...

Later, much later, Kili apologized for the way he’d acted toward Ori, of course. He’d never meant to be so possessive and rough, he knew that his young fiancé didn’t like being treated like that during sex, didn’t like at all the sort of names Kili had called him, but it had been the dragon’s gold messing with him, he’d never have been so cruel otherwise...

Ori had forgiven him, of course. How could he not, when he loved Kili so much, and had been so close to losing him? His prince had been wounded at the head and hadn’t awakened for days after that terrible battle. Ori had been terrified at the idea he might lose him, spending days and nights by his side, praying to whoever would listen to beg that they would let Kili live, at whatever cost... and lived he had, with no apparent sequel.

They were alive.

They were in Erebor.

And Ori had the happy ending he had always dreamed of.


	2. New friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dori is a worried brother. So is Nori.  
> Kili makes some new friends, and Ori knows what he wants.

They all got very involved in the rebuilding of Erebor, of course, except for those who agreed to help the Men of Dale. Ori’s job was mostly to help mister Balin keeping track of how much gold was given to whom and for what reason. It wasn’t a lot of fun, but it was useful, and he was proud to help in any way he could, even if it didn’t leave him a lot of time with his beloved.

Not that Kili had a lot of free time anyway. For the first couple of weeks after the battle, he was forced to stay in bed a lot, because he would get tired very easily. But as soon as he got better, he started wandering around the mountain with the friends he’d made while he was sick, exploring and helping find out which parts of Erebor could be lived in and which ones had been too damaged by the dragon to be of use. At first he told Ori all about it, the houses and treasure he found with his friends, and the other things two, dwarves bones and destroyed walls, and the place where the dragons... did what all living creature did sooner or later. It had amused Kili terribly to discover it, although if he was to be believed, the smell had been horribly foul.

After a while though, Kili stopped telling him about his days, because they barely had any time together. Kili was a prince now, and he was often too busy to come and visit Ori.

“It’s just, there’s lot of important people who keep arriving from the Iron Hills,” he explained once. “And Fee and I have got to be by Thorin’s side when he welcomes them, because, well, he’s got to have a court around him, or people will think he’s not looking like a proper king, you know? M’al, I’d much rather spend time with you...”

“I know, I know... I’m proud of you for how serious you are about this, though! I always knew you’d make a great prince when the time came, and I was right, you’re... you’re perfect!”

Kili gave him a crooked, embarrassed smile, before pushing him against the wall to kiss him.

“I’m not so busy that we can’t have some time alone though,” he whispered against Ori’s ear, making him shiver. “Come join me in my room tonight, I’ll make you forgive me for not being there more, hm?”

“Oh... There’s nothing to forgive, I understand...”

“But you’ll come, won’t you?”

“Of course I will!” Ori laughed, grinning lovingly. “You know I always do!”

“See you later then. Gotta go. See you tonight.”

Ori smiled as he watched his fiancé go. He just loved the nighs when they met in Kili’s room... though he wished he could just live there with him, instead of having to stay with Dori and Nori. They were engaged, according to the law, they were allowed to live together, as long as their families allowed it. And Thorin allowed it, but Dori did not, because he was a damn old fool with stupid ideas on everything and who thought that Ori and Kili were both too young to start living together.

“Besides, even _Nori_ thinks it’s a bad idea,” he grumbled once.

That had intrigued Ori. As far as he knew, Nori didn’t even know what a bad idea was. What other dwarves called a bad idea, he called work, or fun. So the young scribe decided to confront him about it.

Easier said than done.

Nori, who had never once been anything but frank and open to him was... strangely reluctant to explain _why_ it was a bad idea for the two young ones in love to live together.

“What did Dori tell you?” he asked, looking worried.

“That we were too young, and neither of us knew how to take care of a house. Which is stupid, Kili is living pretty much alone already, and he does it very well, so it would hardly change anything if I was there! But that’s Dori’s reason, I don’t think that’s what you’d think? You don’t care about stuff like cooking and doing the dishes. I’m not even sure you knew dishes were meant to be washed until right now.”

“ _Ah-ah_. You’re spending too much time with Dori.”

“Agreed. So help me convince him to let me live with Kili instead! Oh please, please! I’ll owe you one if you do!”

Nori shook his head. “My reasons aren’t Dori’s, but for once we’re of a same mind. I don’t think the prince and you are ready to live together. If... _when_ you are, I’ll pester Dori as much as needed, but for now, I’ll do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen. That’s my final word.”

“But that’s not fair! And why aren’t we ready, anyway? Can’t I at least know that?”

Nori seemed to hesitate then, staring at his brother in a way Ori wasn’t sure to like. If he hadn’t know any better he would have said that Nori was worried... but it was a stupid idea, because there was just _nothing_ to be worried about.

“I’ve taught you to look,  kid,” he said in the end. “So do that. Look. Look at what’s there. If you don’t see it, you’re not ready, and if you do see it... I’m not sure you’ll want to anymore.”

That was the only answer Ori managed to get from him, and he didn’t like it one bit.

 

That very evening, he went to see Dori, and threatened to move in with Kili, permission or no permission. They had a terrible fight, the biggest they had ever had probably. But Ori had learned to fight in the past few months, and in more than one way. In the end, Dori gave up, and gave his brother permission to love with his lover... until their mother arrived from Ered Luin.

“She’s the head of the family, after all,” Dori reminded him. “She’s the only one who can really decide if that’s a good thing... but since you’re so determined to do it anyway, we might as well pretend that we are doing this properly, might we not?”

Ori kissed him on both cheeks, and ran to Kili’s place to tell him the good news. They didn’t have a date planned that night, but he was sure the prince would still be glad to see him, especially if he came with such good news.

It was a bit of a surprise when he arrived to Kili’s to find that his fiancé wasn’t alone. He was, in fact, having what could almost have looked like a party, but was actually just an impromptu gathering of workmates, as the prince told him. Otherwise, if it had been planned in any way, he would have invited Ori of course.

“But since you’re here, I guess it’s... time you meet everyone, right? I don’t think I’ve introduced you yet?”

“No, not yet. You’ve said they were usually busy in the evenings.”

“Well, they usually _are_ ,” Kili snapped, but he realized that he’d been too aggressive and forced a smile. “But tonight’s your lucky night it seems. Why did you come here though? Did you just randomly miss me, or...”

“Oh, no, I had something to say! It’s great news! Dori said that he changed his mind, and he’s allowing me to come live with you!”

It was the best news Ori had had to share with his lover in weeks, and yet Kili seemed... not quite as happy as the scribe had thought he would be.

“Why did he change his mind? I thought we were too young, how did we suddenly become old enough?”

“I... I forced him to accept!” Ori announced proudly. “It’s the good thing of having been around Nori for a while, I’m getting better at... at making people see my point of view... and I’m ready to use dirty tricks if I have to! I just... I just found it so stupid that we couldn’t live together, it’s not like we haven’t been engaged for a year already, and we have sort of lived together during the quest, and... you... that was a good thing, right? You... you want to...”

He didn’t dare finish his sentence. He’d never even thought of actually asking Kili before going to Dori... and certainly, the prince had _told_ him that Thorin had no problem with it, but it had been wrong of him to assume that...

“We’re engaged,” Kili sighed. “Of course I’m... okay with you living here. I guess it’ll make things easier. No more sneaking past your brothers to fuck, for one. Oh, come on, stop looking so worried, it makes you look like a hobbit. Come here, I’ll introduce you to everyone. You’ll start seeing them a lot if you live here, might as well get used to them.”

Ori forced himself to smile, and followed his lover to the ring of armchairs where his friends were sitting around a table. There were snacks, and alcohol, and it didn’t look _quite_ so impromptu, Ori thought, though he decided not to say anything. Maybe they had just bought things on the way there. 

Looking at them, Ori realized he knew a few of them... Fili, of course, but there were also two brothers whose mother often came to help Balin and him, and he was fairly sure that this one girl was Gloin’s distant cousin. Some of the other he had seen from a distance, often with Kili, making themselves useful and laughing a lot as they did so. They were all richly dressed, with clothes finer than what Ori was used to seeing... nobles, all of them. Not that it was a surprise. Many of Erebor’s nobles had found a place in the Iron Hills after the dragon, and they had been the first exiles to come back. And it was logical for the princes to hang out with nobility, now that there actually was a nobility near them.

Kili coughed to get their attention, and they all turned to him at once. Some of them threw Ori a surprised look, as if wondering what that badly dressed little thing was doing there. Fili, as usual, frowned, but the scribe didn’t really pay him attention. He’d had plenty of time to get used to the prince’s fervent disapproval.

“Guys, this is Ori, my fiancé,” Kili said with little ceremonial. “Ori, this is the guys. Except for Mara who’s technically a lady, or so she says.” Mara laughed and threw a bit of sausage at him, which Kili avoided easily. “Come on, make some room for me and the missus. We’re celebrating, tonight: apparently, Ori’s just had permission to move in with me. I think congratulations are in order.”

And congratulations they did get, as well as a fair bit of teasing, which was to be expected. Some of the jokes made Ori a little uncomfortable, especially when one of them had the idea of comparing him to a hobbit lady, and all the rest of the group (minus Fili, but including Kili) laughed about it and made joke after joke on the subject. He did not dare to ask them to stop, though. He knew a bit of teasing had to be expected when one was brought into a group for the first time. Still, he was glad when Fili stood up and decided it was time everyone went home, and as he too left after one last kiss to his lover, Ori thought with no little delight that very soon, going home would mean going to Kili.

 

Nori, of course, wasn’t very happy of this turn of event, but he still agreed to help Ori moving out. Or more exactly, Dori forced him to, claiming that he wouldn’t let him use any excuse to escape what was his duty as a member of their family. Ori almost wished Dori hadn’t made their brother help, though. He didn’t like at all the way Nori looked at Kili sometimes.

Not long after, Nori announced that he had to leave. Winter was ending at last, and Thorin had decided to send a couple messengers to Ered Luin, to make it entirely official that the exiles really could come back home, and he had selected Nori to be one of them. Since he would only come back with the first caravan, and that these things took time to organize, it meant that he would likely be gone from the mountain for a year, possibly more if there were any difficulties.

It saddened Ori to think that his brother was already starting to go away, like he used to do before, and nothing Nori could say softened the blow. He didn’t need to travel anymore, they had enough money to live a thousand lifetimes and still have some to spare, so if Nori went, it was because he wanted to go.

“And don’t you deny it!” Ori told him. “You’re the one who taught me to look and think! You don’t have any reason to leave. Thorin can ask you, but he can’t force you, and if you hadn’t agreed, he would have picked someone else. You’re going because you want to go.”

“You’re drawing your conclusions too fast, kid,” Nori replied calmly. “I can be going out of loyalty and willingness to help the kingdom... “ Ori snorted, and his brother made a grimace that said he knew that lie wasn’t a good one. “I could also be going because I miss Ma.”

“No, you don’t get along with Mama.”

“I could want a chance to make up with her, now that I’m an honest dwarf, and... fine, stop laughing! Augh, kids these days, no respect for their elders. Fine, so I’m going because I like to travel. No shame in that. Went as far as the Orocarni once or twice. I think I’m sort of married there. Or maybe I was adopted? I’ve never really understood how it worked. But my point is... yeah, I’m going because I want to... but I’ll be coming back, soon as I can. And, you know... if you’re afraid you’ll miss me too much... you’re welcome to tag along.”

“What?”

“I’m serious, kid. I’ll take care of convincing Thorin and Dori if you want to go with me. I’d like you to come, I really would. Some more brotherly time together, and I’d teach you a bit more about observing people and making them do what you want... how does that sound?”

It sounded nice, Ori had to admit it. He had liked travelling with Nori during the quest, and with the danger of the orcs and goblins almost entirely gone now, it would be fairly safe this time around... And he missed his mother, more than he would admit to anyone for fear they called him a child, and...

“What about Kili though?” he asked. “Would... would he come too, or...”

“No,” his brother cut him. “No, the princeling isn’t coming. It’s part of why I want you to come. Kid, I know you’re in love, but you’re... young. Both of you. I think... some time apart would do you good. Separation isn’t a bad thing, it’d make you see how much you miss each other... and getting back together after usually tells you well enough if you’re really meant to be a couple. Ask Ma. That why she never kept her men, they all annoyed her when they came back.”

“I thought she got rid of them because they wanted her to stop working and breed children?”

“Which is _what_ annoyed her. Absence is good for love, kid, and you’ll both be a little more mature by the time you come back.”

Ori thought about it, and he didn’t like it at all. There were days where he felt that Kili... that Kili loved him, or at least liked him a lot, which was almost the same. At least, he was very passionate when they made love, and he had agreed that they lived together... but Ori feared that if he left, Kili would too easily forget him. He realized, of course, that it was exactly what Nori was trying to hint at, that their match was... less than perfect, maybe. But the idea of losing Kili was too painful to bear. He’d do anything rather than to lose his One.

And he still felt so sure that Kili was his One, that he’d make the prince fall in love with him some day, if he made more efforts, if he was a better dwarf, if he did the right things...

“If Kili isn’t coming, then neither am I.”

“Ori, kid, you don’t understand...”

“I do. But I... you see things one way, and I see them another. It... it works for you to run away and see if things are better when you come back, and that’s great for you. But I’d... I’d rather stay and... fix things, should they need any fixing.”

“So you admit that things aren’t quite right,” Nori noted.

“We’re still adapting to life here, that all!” Ori retorted. “Once we find our marks and figure out how everything will work in this new kingdom, everything will be just fine, you’ll see.”

“Kid...”

“You’ll see! Now if... if you don’t mind, some of us have actual work to do to help the kingdom, so I’d better go see if mister Balin needs any help, or if Dori hasn’t caught him again to snog him behind a pile of gold. ‘Cause I have a sense of responsibility and duty, even if some others don’t.”

It was, in all honesty, a rather mean thing to say, and Ori regretted it later on. But at the moment he could think of nothing but how awful it was that Nori, who could read people so well, would think that his engagement with Kili wasn’t going well. Obviously, Nori was _wrong_ this time around, because things were going _very well_ , but still, just in case, Ori promised himself to make a few efforts to make sure he didn’t disappoint Kili.


	3. the prettiest dwarf in Erebor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili makes another new friend, and Ori isn't sure he likes that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: reference to dub-con

Erebor was sad without Nori. It came as a bit of a surprise to Ori to realize that, apart from Balin and sometimes Dwalin, his brother had been virtually the only person he really talked to. More than a brother, Nori had been his friend, his best friend even, and he missed him terribly.

But of course, the time freed by Nori’s absence meant more occasions to be with Kili and to meet _his_ friends. Not that Ori liked them that much, because they often liked to laugh at him, or talked of making weapons and killing orcs, two things he didn’t have that much interest in, but he made an effort. They were important to Kili, and that meant they had to be important to him too. Still, he tried sometimes to change the conversation to books or old legends, but they all groaned and whined and complained that only old people could care about such boring things. After a while he stopped trying, and tried to feel content just listening to them, enjoying how Kili lit up during these conversations, in a way he never really did when he talked to Ori...

At least, the scribe told himself whenever he felt down, Fili had never come again since that night when they had announced Kili and him would live together. Thank the Maker for small mercies.

Not that everything was bad, of course. Ori didn’t have much to offer in way of conversation, and Kili’s friends saw him as furniture at best, but when they were in bed, everything was right again. He couldn’t doubt anything when they were skin against skin and Kili was moving inside him, telling him how pretty he was, how much he wanted him, how good it all was. Sex always made everything better.

Until the day Kili mentioned that he found their sex life a little boring at time, and that it would be nice to do things a little different sometimes. A little rougher. Making love was all very nice, but sometimes he wanted to just fuck mindlessly and not have to worry about being tender.

“I... I don’t like that too much though,” Ori mumbled, remembering only too well how his lover had been just before the Battle of Five Armies.

“And why should we only do things you like?” Kili protested. “That’s not fair, is it? Why should we have sex only the way _you_ want? Don’t you want me to be happy, to have what I want too? This relationship can’t be only about _your_ desires, Ori. I’ve got to get something out of it too! You can’t keep treating me like I’m only here to do the things _you_ want.”

After that, it didn’t take long for Ori to agree to let Kili do things the way he wanted sometimes. He couldn’t really deny his lover anything after all, and the idea that he’d been selfish, however unknowingly... that he’d hurt Kili and made him felt unimportant... The guilt of it was unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

And it wasn’t so bad, in the end. He didn’t like when Kili was rough, didn’t like the names his prince called him at such moments, and sometimes he ached for days and had bruises, but as long as they were together, everything was fine.

 

Nori had been gone from Erebor for five months when Diat’s family arrived in Erebor.

They were members of a family that had once been one of the richest of the mountain, one of the few whose fortune hadn’t been kept _in_ the mountain, but instead in a secret place in the West. They had been involved in a political scandal shortly before Smaug’s attack, and they had decided to retire to that place of theirs until things were better. It meant they were still rich, and that they hadn’t lost anyone to the dragon, or to Azanulbizar. And now, they were back, and demanding to have their old house and privileges back.

Thorin didn’t like them, but they had good contacts with many human villages in the West, and they were allies he would need to help rebuild his kingdom’s old connections. He agreed to their demands, and welcomed them as warmly as he managed.

In less than a week, Diat was fully integrated in Kili’s clique. She had everything for her, after all. She was beautiful, with square shoulders and a luxuriant black beard, a shy and polite smile and so many stories to tell. She had lived the traditional life of a dwarrowdam, staying safe inside her house, but she had brothers and cousins and uncles who told her about their fights against orcs and goblins, and now she was telling these stories to Kili and his friends, and they all listened to her in absolute silence, fascinated by her every word.

Ori tried hard not to be jealous, but it wasn’t fair. He had made such efforts to be accepted, or just tolerated by them, and yet they all ignored him, not even saying hello if they met him alone in the street, not unless he greeted them first (and even then...) but in just a couple of days, and with no apparent effort, Diat had become a favourite, almost as popular among them as Kili.

And Kili.

Oh, Kili.

Kili simply _adored_ Diat.

He always sat by her, talked to her, laughed at her every jokes, complimented her on her dress and her jewelry. Not that he could be blamed for it, of course. She really was pretty, prettier than any girl Ori had seen before, and she always had something to say, on any subject, and she was polite and courteous, just as if she were a princess in a tale.

Ori didn’t like that at all.

Not that he was jealous, of course. Jealously stemmed from a lack of trust, and of course he trusted Kili, because Kili was kind and noble and wonderful and would never do anything to hurt him. They were engaged and in love and they would get married once their mothers arrived in Erebor. He had nothing to fear.

He just didn’t like Diat.

And he wished he hadn’t been the only one to dislike her, or that _she_ would have tried to hide her contempt for him a little more.

“I can’t imagine myself ever marrying someone who wouldn’t be of noble blood,” she told Kili one night, smiling at him. “Commoners aren’t bad, but they just aren’t cut for the sort of pressure one meet in the higher circles of society, you know?”

They were having one of Kili’s parties (which he’d stopped trying to call ‘unplanned gathering’ a long time ago) and everyone was there. Even Fili had come, because they were celebrating... something of some importance. No one had told Ori, even though everyone else seemed to know. And everyone, every single one of Kili’s friends was there, and Diat was saying in front of them all that being engaged to Ori was a bad choice.

He’d never felt more insulted in his life, and he looked pleadingly at his beloved, hoping the prince would take his defense. 

Instead, the prince ignored him, and laughed.

“Yeah, they just don’t know how to behave most of the time, do they?” he claimed. “Don’t take me wrong, I have friends that are commoners... Bofur and Bombur and Bifur, for one thing, but they are always so awkward at official gathering!”

“Who are they? Bofur... oh, isn’t he the one who can’t dress, and with these ridiculous plaits? Oh, good thing this one is clearly into men. Can you imagine mixing such low blood with that of a noble family? The result would be dreadful. Not that I mean to offend your little girlfriend, my prince. I’m sure she’ll... bear you adequate children.”

“I’m not a girl!” Ori protested. “I’m a man!”

Diat threw him a disdainful look, and laughed. “My mistake! Oh, and to think that I’ve known you for a month, and it never occurred to me that you could be _anything_ but a girl! You are so small and soft everywhere, I’d never have thought you were a boy... and I thought you prefered girls, Kili?”

“I do, usually,” Kili answered, smirking at her. “But I suppose Ori is... special. And as you’ve said, he doesn’t look like much of a boy, does he?”

That was more than Ori could bear. He could tolerate Diat and the others mocking him, but if Kili did it too... He would not stay there and be made fun of. So without a word, he stood up from his seat and went for the door, hoping his prince would try to stop him.

He didn’t.

He didn’t try to stop him, and instead just continued laughing, calling Ori and telling him to try to have a little more humour, until the scribe was in the royal palace’s corridors, alone and feeling betrayed.

Ori went to Dori’s that night. It seemed to disturb his brother’s plans with Lord Balin, but Dori didn’t seem to mind, and Lord Balin appeared to understand, sighing something about young love before leaving the two brothers together. Ori dared not say what had happened, fearing that Dori would get angry at Kili, or worse, that he too would think Ori just didn’t have a sense of humour. Instead, he just said his lover had friends at home, and that since he needed to get up early that morning, he’d thought it better to spend the night at Dori’s. His brother didn’t believe a word of it, of course, but he pretended to, and didn’t ask for details.

 

The following morning, Ori was up as early as he could manage, fearing his brother would question his lie otherwise. Dori, thankfully, was still asleep, and the young scribe left unnoticed. Hardly anyone was up, of course. Kili certainly would not be up for another couple hours. He wasn’t that much of an early riser, and even less so after one of his parties. And Balin wouldn’t be in the treasure room yet, not that Ori quite felt in the mood to work. Would the guards let him in anyway, so early, and alone?

In the end, the young dwarf decided to wander in the streets and have a look at how the rebuilding was going on. Then after a few minutes, he remembered that lord Balin had mentioned something about the view in the balconies on the East side of the mountain, and how beautiful it was early in the morning, so he decided to go that way.

And it truly was a fantastic sight, yes.

It would have been better if Fili hadn’t been there first. Ori tried to turn back as soon as he saw the prince, but of course Fili saw him. Fili _always_ saw him. Usually he choose to not do anything about it, but considering Ori’s luck these days, he shouldn’t have been surprised when the prince motioned for him to join him on one of the balconies. A bad morning after a bad night, the scribe told himself, walking to join the other dwarf.

“You’re up early today,” Fili noted. “It’s barely sunrise!”

“Could say the same about you.”

“You could, and I’d answer that I’m always up that early... It’s the only way to catch a moment of peace. It’s tough being a real prince, and Thorin isn’t going easy on me... Not that I’m complaining. There’s something about... about watching a kingdom rise again from its ashes, right? Makes me feel like... like I’m part of something. But mornings here are nice too. All the quiet and just the beauty of the wilderness... that’s something to be treasured, don’t you think?”

Ori frowned, a little surprised by the prince’s lyrical outburst. Though the most surprising, perhaps, was that he perfectly understood what Fili meant. It was a feeling he shared, this sentiment of belonging as he helped Erebor...

He still decided to remain silent, not sure an answer was expected anyway, even though Fili was looking at him with a strange expression on his face.

For all of his lessons with Nori, Ori still never managed to read Fili.

“So, I guess you’re up so early because of last night, then?” the prince asked when the silence had dragged on too long. “You know, with Diat and... That really wasn’t cool, if you want my opinion.”

“Well, sorry for feeling offended by what she said!”

“No, no, I meant... what she said wasn’t cool!” Fili quickly corrected. “She’s an idiot, that’s all! Calling you soft... Pah! She should have seen you during the Battle, or in the goblins’ tunnels... no one who has been with you there would call you soft! I mean, you’re like... you’re like Dori, you don’t _look_ like a warrior, but you’re... you’re still as good a fighter as anyone in the company was...”

Ori threw him another surprised look. After all that Fili had protested against his joining the quest, the last thing he’d ever have expected was to hear him ever say that the scribe had indeed done well. It made him feel... surprisingly good. He knew, objectively, that he’d done great, but having other people say so, and in particular Fili, had him feel his pride was justified.

Of course, Fili had to ruin it all when he opened his mouth again.

“You know, I don’t think you and Kili should be together.”

The younger dwarf clenched his fists. “Yes, I know, actually.”

“You do?” Fili asked, looking both surprised and hopeful.

Hopeful. _Ah_! And after that lovely speech about Ori been as good as the rest of them, too!

“Of course I know!” Ori snarled. “You’re not exactly hiding that you don’t like that we’re engaged, are you? Always looking at us like it’s a crime when we kiss, and that’s when you grace us with your presence at all! And it... it hurts a bit you know, ‘cause you’re his brother, the most important person in his life, and I can’t even get you to like me! I’ve tried though, I’ve tried to be good enough, and I’ve tried to impress you... and not just ‘cause you’re his brother, but also because we sort of got along okay before all this... I used to think you were so cool and brave, you know?”

Fili shook his head. He was like frozen, and had gone completely white, and Ori almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

It was hard to really feel sorry for someone who had just told him he should break up with his One.

“I guess you think Diat would be much better by his side, don’t you?” Ori resumed. “She’s all pretty and popular and noble, I bet you’re like everyone else and you’re crazy about her, aren’t you? Well, I’ll prove you all! You’ll all see, I’ll do my best and I’ll be worthy of Kili, and not one of you will ever again dare to... to try to tell me I shouldn’t be with him! So mark my word, your highness, one day, we’re gonna be family you and me, whether you like it or not!”

“I... Ori, I didn’t mean...”

“Yeah? Yeah, what didn’t you mean? Or what _did_ you mean, then? Uh?”

Fili lowered his gaze, and did not answer.

“Thought so,” Ori spat. “Now, if you don’t mind, it’s more than time I went to work. I’m just a scribe, and not nearly great enough for your tastes apparently, but I’m still doing my share for Erebor, I’ll have you know.”

And with these words he went away, striding through the streets until he got to the palace, and into the treasure room. He was the first one there, but he didn’t mind, and set to work with a fury the like of which he had never known. When Balin and the others arrived at last, they all very wisely decided to leave him alone.

The entire day, Ori hoped that Kili would pop up and make his excuses for the tasteless joke of the night before. He didn’t. But when the young dwarf went home at last, Kili did apologize. He also told his lover that he really shouldn’t have gotten so angry over something so little, and that it had been very rude of him to leave like that, but he still apologized, and that was all Ori wanted.


	4. the burned book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori was having a terrible day.  
> It got worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: quick mentions of dub-con (bordering on plain non-con, but the character concerned doesn't see it as such so...), manipulation and shitty behaviour toward a partner and honestly most of the warnings are here because of this chapter

“Kee, have you seen the file I left on the desk the other day?”

A muffled noise rose from their bed that Ori suspected was a ‘no’.

This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.

That files contained very important documents that he had taken home to work on, because they concerned a possible fraud from one of the dwarves that helped Balin and him and Ori just didn’t want to work on that somewhere where Jerin could accidentally see it.

He was supposed to show his conclusions to Balin that day (Jerin did steal, and he had help from someone that Ori hadn’t identified yet) but he couldn’t do that without his file, because all the proofs were in it, as well as his notes and his list of suspects concerning Jerin’s accomplice.

“Kee, please, can you come and help me, this is important!”

There was another grunt coming from the general direction of his lover, but the prince didn’t move. Ori tried to take a deep breath, but it ended up as a broken sob. It couldn’t be happening, not _again_.

It had started a couple months before (shortly after Diat’s dreadful little joke, but Ori hadn’t made any connection between the two events). At first it had been his drawing charcoals disappearing, and he hadn’t really worried. Bloody things were always disappearing anyway... sure, they did so a lot more quickly these days, but he hadn’t thought about it. Then it had been his books, the ones where he did his writings and drawing. He’d leave them somewhere, and then for days he wouldn’t find them, no matter how hard he looked, before turning up again after a few days, in a place he was sure he had searched, and where he had no reason to have put them...

“Are you accusing me?” Kili asked him when Ori first asked him if he knew how his sketchbook had ended under their bed. “I’d never touch these, not if I can help it!”

“Yes, of course, but... but maybe, uh...”

“If you’re just considering accusing my friends, _think again_. Why would they _do_ that?”

_To hurt me and have a good laugh_ , Ori thought, not daring to say it aloud. Kili was so defensive of his friends.

“You should just be more careful where you leave your stuff,” the prince advised him. “People say you’re clever, but you sure don’t have a good memory, do you?”

Ori had done his best to smile, and promised himself to do better next time. Being clever was the one advantage he had over Diat and the rest of Kili’s clique, if he lost that...

But being careful wasn’t enough.

He kept losing things.

Pencils, books, clothes, drawings...

Once he found a bunch of his drawings in the chimney, half burnt. He had apparently made the mistake of leaving them with a bunch of things he had to destroy (he had a pile of these on the desk) and Kili, wanting to help, had grabbed the entire lot one evening and thrown it all in the fire. Ori had yelled at him that night, calling him all sorts of nasty names, even though he was the one at fault since he’d been the one who hadn’t organized his desk better, as Kili pointed out. The following day, he’d bought Kili’s favourite pie and had let the prince fuck him more roughly than ever before, as a way of apology. For a while after he’d had trouble sitting, and his back had hurt terribly for days, but it had been worth it to know that Kili had forgiven his little outburst.

But this time, he’d lost something far more important than a scarf or a bunch of drawings. He’d lost the actual, formal proof that someone was stealing from the kingdom, and because of him Jerin would continue doing it, or worse, he’d figure out he had been discovered and would stop and just enjoy the fortune he’d already taken, and his crimes would go unpunished, and...

“Kee, please, come and help me,” he begged, fighting tears. “Please love, please, I can’t find it, please...”

Groaning and grunting, Kili got up at last, clearly furious to have been disturbed. He did help, but the entire time he complained against Ori’s carelessness, grumbling that the scribe should have paid more attention to where he’d left the damn thing.

They still didn’t find it.

Balin was predictably furious when Ori arrived, two hours late and empty handed. The young scribe broke down into tears at ‘I trusted you, I thought you realized how important this was’. Balin kept going for a few minutes after that to make it clear that he wouldn’t give Ori such responsibilities again before dismissing him.

That day at lunch, Jerin came to sit with him and talked as if they were old friends, his smile making it clear that he knew exactly why Balin had yelled at the younger dwarf that morning. For a brief moment, Ori considered punching him in the face, before deciding that it would only bring more trouble for himself. Let Jerin think he had won this time. Soon now Nori would be back, and file or no file, he’d show that damn thief that you didn’t mess with Erebor’s property without consequences. A couple weeks earlier Nori had sent a letter to say the caravan he travelled with had just arrived in Esgaroth. Just a couple days now, and he’d be home, as well as their mother, and things wouldn’t be quite so bad anymore.

It was that thought that kept him going through the day. That, and the idea of Kili waiting for him at home. First he’d apologize for waking him up like that, and then maybe they could go somewhere nice to have dinner... there was that place Ori liked... Kili wasn’t too fond of it, but maybe he’d agree to make an effort, and if he didn’t, the restaurants the prince liked were very nice too... and then they’d come home and make love, really make love, all slow and nice and tender, like it used to be. It wouldn’t solve any of Ori’s problem, but it would make him feel a little less bad for a moment, and that was all he wanted.

 

Except Kili wasn’t home.

A note on Ori’s desk informed him that Diat’s parents were having a party, and that Kili had gone there. He was welcomed to join if he wanted, but Kili mentioned that he didn’t really expect him to. So much for his plans of a nice evening, then. It made Ori want to cry again. All he had wanted was a nice moment, two, maybe three hours of good things happening to him after the dreadful weeks, no, months that he’d just gone through, and he couldn’t even have _that_.

He was about to get to bed and hide under the blanket until the world felt like a tolerable place again, when he noticed the fireplace.

Or more exactly, what was in the fireplace.

A book.

Almost entirely burnt, with just fragments of its cover left.

And didn’t he know that book.

It was the one he’d had with him during the quest.

And someone had destroyed it.

There was only one person, beside himself, who could have been in that room. Their door had a lock, a good lock, even Nori had said so. That lock had two keys. One was in his pocket. The other was Kili’s.

Kili was the only person who could have been in there.

Kili had a history of having burnt his things at least once before.

Kili was the only one who could have done this.

And Ori didn’t know why his lover would do such a cruel thing (his work, his precious work, and he hadn’t even had time to start working on his proper telling of their quest, so it was lost, every bit of it was _lost_ ) but no one else could have done it.

Inside Ori, something snapped. He could have broken into tears, or gone to Dori’s. Instead, he grabbed Kili’s note and ran to Diat’s place.

He would be unwanted, and he’d cause the scandal of the century if he said anything there, but he was tired, and he’d just reached the point where he couldn’t care about anything.

By the time he arrived there of course, some of his anger had subsided a little. Kili couldn’t have done such a terrible thing... or at least not on purpose... there had to be a reason... there always was a reason, any time Kili did something that seemed mean. Sometimes it was just a joke (and Ori was learning to laugh along, even when the jokes were about him. Especially when they were about him) or it was a mistake that Ori had done (he never quite managed to dress the right way when they went out on official dinners, so Kili had thrown away some of his favourite clothes), or it was that Ori wasn’t doing enough (sometimes he was too tired to sex, and it angered Kili who still wanted it... he tried to make efforts though, telling himself he’d take a nap during lunch break the day after). Kili had always a good reason when he was... less than nice. He’d have a reason this time too. And really, it was... it was just a _book_.

He felt so stupid once he was brought inside by one of Diat’s servant. There were important dwarves everywhere, all of them so well dressed, and him... for Mahal’s sake, he was still in his work clothes, the ones that weren’t very pretty, but he still loved because they were so comfortable (Kili always said he’d throw them away too someday, but he never had. It was their little joke). And they were all looking at him, and he felt so stupid for having come there. But, he thought, maybe he could still find Kili and ask him to come home with him, tell him he needed him? Surely, Kili would agree to...

His brain went blank.

He’d found Kili.

Sitting on a chair.

Diat on his lap, one arm around his neck, feeding him little honey cakes, the two of them looking every bit like a loving couple.

Kili had never fed him anything.

Kili had never even let Ori feed him anything, because he found it stupid.

Kili had Diat on his lap, and they were laughing together, and then she moved and they weren’t quite kissing, but still almost...

Ori snapped for the second time that night.

All but running to the happy pair, he snatched Diat’s arm and threw her away from his fiancé, not caring one bit when she yelped in pain. All of his attention was on Kili, and Kili was looking at him as if there was something wrong with Ori.

“Why did you do that?” the prince asked. “Are you crazy?”

“She was going to kiss you!”

“No she wasn’t! I’ve told you again and again, we’re good friends, nothing more! M’al, why do you have to be so jealous? We were just playing, it wasn’t...”

“Just playing?” Ori yelled. “You’ve never let me be like that with you, not even when it was just the two of us, and now you’re just playing?

People were looking at them, he knew, just as he distantly noted that Kili looked... afraid, there was no other word for it. Or rather, he looked like a dwarf not really used to have to pretend thought that fear looked like. Ori saw it and pushed the thought away, overcome by sheer rage.

“Ori, love, please, not here, not in public,” Kili whined. “Please not here, let’s go home, let’s...”

The young scribe grabbed him by the collar, pulling him up until they were nose to nose.

“The place we live isn’t _home_!” he snarled. “It’s just... it’s just a place where you’re being the worst fiancé ever!”

He should have noticed, then, that Kili wasn’t trying to defend himself, that the prince was just standing there and looking pathetic (‘ _looking like me_ ’ he realized later), perfectly playing the part of someone terrified but used to that sort of thing as Ori yelled at him and shook him liked a doll.

Until the dwarves present at the party caught up with what was happening, and decided to force Ori away from his lover, putting all their strength into it (they had no choice with the way Ori was fighting back to escape and get back to his fiancé). He distantly heard someone saying the guards had to be called as he was forcefully dragged to a small room while Kili fell into Diat’s arms, his shoulders shaking as if he was sobbing.

The vision lasted only a short second before a door closed between him and his fiancé, but it hurt more than the blow that hit him soon after, or any of the insults that came with the following ones.

They stopped hitting him, after a while.

Soon after, Dwalin arrived to arrest him.

And that was when Ori realized how wrong things had gone.

 

“He said you’d been like that in private for a while now,” Dori stated, “always attacking him about everything, criticizing his friends and trying to forbid him to see them.”

Curled up against the wall of his cell, Ori didn’t answer. He knew that. Dwalin had already told him. 

“He’s asked Thorin to free him from the engagement, because he was afraid last night’s attack could happen again.”

That, Ori didn’t know. Must have been a new development. Not a surprise, though. Of course Kili would want to break up with him after the scene he’d made... 

He’d told Dwalin about the burnt book when he had tried to explain why he’d reacted that way, and Dwalin had sent a guard to their room. The guard had found nothing suspicious in the fireplace. Either someone had come inside to take away the remains of his book, or Ori had just hallucinated it. Considering the past few weeks, he knew which one was most likely.

He didn’t know what to believe anymore. He had done all he could to please Kili, he’d done his very best to be a good partner and a good lover, he’d made such efforts and on so many things, and yet Kili had described him to Dwalin as violent and whiny and trying to impose his will on him.

Of course, all of Kili’s friends had readily confirmed that version of things, telling how Ori always frowned at them when they came, and how he always complained about their jokes and couldn’t stand that his lover was having fun with anyone else. More than anything, they described his insane jealousy toward Diat, poor Diat who’d always tried to be friendly to Ori, always in vain...

Ori didn’t know what to believe anymore.

There were more of them than of him. Didn’t that mean they were right?

But he’d made such efforts, he knew he’d done his best, and there had been all those things that had happened when it was just Kili and him, and they didn’t know about that, no one knew about that, no one knew how his prince, his lover, his One, treated him when they were alone...

And that was the problem. It would be his word against Kili’s, and Ori already knew which one of them was more trustworthy.

“Of course, it’s for the best if you two don’t marry considering... all this,” Dori sighed, still trying to get a reaction out of him. “I... I can’t say I’ve been too happy with this engagement of yours to be honest, and I know Nori has said times and times again that he wasn’t in favour of it, and mother... well, she’s a romantic soul of course, she tried to be happy for you, but... No, _that_ part of it is for the best, really. But Ori, dear, you must know... they’re thinking of exiling you.”

Ori curled up tighter.

Of course they would send him in exile. It was the law. Attacking a prince was a crime, even when you were his lover, _especially_ when you were his lover... it was all Ori deserved, wasn’t it?

“Thorin has agreed to... to wait until mother and Nori have arrived before announcing his decision. He... said you deserved this, at least, for... for past services. But I don’t have any illusions, jewel. It’s a chance for last goodbyes, not a chance for a different sentence, and people... there’s people who say even exile is too kind, so I... suppose we should... count ourselves lucky? Ori, please, can’t you... can’t you react? Say something, anything! Tell me you’re innocent, tell me we have to fight, _talk to me_!”

Ori ignored him, and closed his eyes. Maybe it was all a bad dream. Maybe if he wished hard enough, he’d wake up in his bed with Kili holding him close, the two of them as much in love as they ever were, and everything fine again.

He opened his eyes, and he was still in prison.

So he closed them again.

 

Nor arrived two days later, and someone must have informed him of what had happened, because his first stop was to see his brother rather than his king. He didn’t have more success than Dori in making Ori agree to defend himself.

He did have a small success in convincing his brother that the fault wasn’t on him, though.

“He’s been using you, kid,” Nori told him, his voice coarser than usual. “It wasn’t too bad during the quest, and you looked happy enough so I told myself you’d be alright, that maybe he just wasn’t good at showing affection... Mahal knows his uncle is shite at it, and I thought your little prince was just like Thorin. But then we reached Erebor, and...”

Curled up once more in a corner and facing the wall, Ori shivered. He remembered the days before the battle. He remembered how Kili had treated him, and how much it had frightened him at the time. It wasn’t so different from how he had treated him over the last few weeks, though. But Kili always had reasons, and Ori was always good at accepting these reasons.

“That’s why I wanted you to come with me, kid,” Nori said. “Remember? I asked. I told you something was wrong, but I couldn’t... I’ve seen people, before, who were with their lovers the way you were with Kili, and I knew... the more I attacked him, the more you defended him. I couldn’t help you. I failed you, kid. It was my job as your big brother to protect you, and I failed you.”

Ori heard his brother rest his head against the cell, and what sounded suspiciously like a sob.

“I failed you,” Nori repeated, barely a whisper. “I failed _you_.”

Ori didn’t turn to look at him, and didn’t say anything.

But mostly, he felt _he_ had failed everyone else.

 

The following day, Thorin came down to his cell to announce that he had been condemned to exile. In consideration of his past services to the crown, he would be sent away with provisions, and a pony to carry whatever his family felt he deserved to take with him. He would have one last day in prison, when anyone who wished to tell him goodbye would be allowed to visit him, should they wish it, and then at dusk his hair and beard would be shorn to show his disgrace.

Ori didn’t look at him, just like he hadn’t looked at anyone since he’d been brought there.

He didn’t look when his mother came, asking which of his books he wanted to take.

He didn’t look when Dori came, telling him they’d packed his clothes and everything he’d need to survive in the wild.

He didn’t look when Nori came, announcing that he’d made him a letter of introduction to someone he knew, in the Orocarni, and that he’d taken dispositions so that Ori would travel there safely.

He did look when Fili came. Just a side glance, but still.

It surprised him for a second, before he realized that _of course_ Fili would come. This was his hour of triumph.

“So, have you come to tell me that you’d been right all along?” Ori asked, his voice hoarse after days without talking.

“No, that’s not... why I came.”

“Well, you were right. Kili and I were a terrible match. I wasn’t good enough for him. I’d never have been good enough for him. Happy now?”

“It wasn’t... Ori, it was never... I _never_ thought you weren’t good enough for him.”

“What?”

“It... He wasn’t good enough. _Kili wasn’t good enough_ ,” the prince blurted out, looking and sounding desperate. “You deserved someone so much better than him, you deserved... you deserved someone who’d have loved you, someone who’d have seen how amazing you were, instead of... of complaining about what you weren’t. You deserved the best dwarf that ever was, and I’m so sorry that I... that I let you fall in my brother’s trap instead.”

Now facing him and properly looking at him, Ori felt as shocked by the prince’s appearance as he was by his words. Fili looked wrecked, as if he hadn’t eaten, bathed or even slept in days, and his hold on the bars of the cell was tight enough to make his knuckles white. Something about his posture made it look like if he let go of these, he’d fall to the ground.

“I knew what he was doing to you,” Fili whispered as if he was letting go of a dirty secret. “He told me things... and when he didn’t say them to me, he did it in front of me... He told us about how you would never dare to refuse him anything, even when you were tired, even when you didn’t like it... and he knew when you didn’t like it... he told us... he told us he was tired of you, that he... that it was just the sex now, but he didn’t want to just break off the engagement because it would make him look bad... he told us he had a plan,” the prince whimpered, as if the words hurt him. “He wanted to get rid of you, and I knew it, and I let him do it, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Ori!”

Ori closed his eyes. It hurt both less and more than he would have thought to hear that. More, because it shattered his last hopes that his lover had ever really care for him. Less, because at this point, it wasn’t really a surprise anymore.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about,” Ori sighed. “He _is_ your brother.”

“ _But I love you_!” Fili whined.

Ori opened his eyes again and stared at him.

He had not heard what he thought he had just heard. He couldn’t... it wasn’t... Fili would never...

“No you don’t love me!”

“Yes I do!” the prince insisted. “I’ve loved you for so long, since Ered Luin... I wanted to court you then, I loved you so much, but I had decided I’d wait until you’d finished your apprenticeship... I didn’t want to rush things, I wanted to try to be your friend first, I wanted you to be old enough to decide properly, I wanted... I wanted things to be _perfect_ ,” he sobbed, tears falling on his face. “It had to be perfect, you deserved nothing less than perfection, but then... then Kili made a move on you, and I... I knew he didn’t love you, not the way I did, but you looked so happy whenever you looked at him, so... I thought... I thought he’d fall in love with you, sooner or later, because... because how could anyone _not_ love you?”

“No... you’re... you’re lying... you don’t even like me!” Ori shouted. “You’re always avoiding me, and you... you didn’t even want me on the damn quest!”

“How could I want the dwarf I love to do something so dangerous?” Fili argued. “I knew you were strong, I had trained with you, but you had never done anything like that, and I... I wanted you to be safe... I wanted you to be away from Kili, too, I suppose... But mostly, I wanted you away from danger. And for the rest, can you imagine how much it hurt to see you with him, when I wanted you to be mine, when I knew he didn’t love you?”

And it made sense, of course, especially when Ori recalled how dreadful it had been to see Kili with Diat, how much pained it had caused whenever his lover had smiled at someone else... and he at least had something to hope from Kili. He didn’t want to think what it would have been like if he’d never even been able to touch his beloved.

For a short second, he pitied Fili.

But then, that second was over, and he felt nothing but hatred.

“How can you say you love me when you... and then say you’ve let him use me, let him... let him make fun of me and get rid of me like this? You knew what he was doing, you said so!”

“He is my brother, I had no choice.”

“There’s _always_ a choice,” Ori snarled.

“Oh, is there?” Fili retorted. “Tell me, where was my choice then? I love you, I love you more than anything, but I’m a prince of Erebor, and that comes before all else! People already say that our line is cursed with madness, was I to be the one to confirm it? It has been hard enough to convince everyone that Thorin’s gold sickness was cured, and there’s already so much distrust, should I have told them that my brother’s mind was so sick, he’d made a child promises to get him into his bed, and that he was now torturing him because he’d grown tired of his games? Should I have added lust, cruelty and betrayal to the list of our crimes? I had no choice, Ori, or else I’d have chosen _you_.”

He looked so broken then that Ori hesitated, wondering if he should go to him, take his hand maybe, give him that at least, since he had nothing else to give him... but he decided against it. He wasn’t sure Fili was deserving of his pity, nor that he would accept it should it be offered to him.

“I’m sorry,” the scribe said instead. “I guess... I guess you really should have fallen in love with someone less stupid. Someone better.”

“There’s no one better in the entire world,” Fili sighed, smiling sadly. “You are the best dwarf I have ever met, and now... now I’m losing you, because I’m not brave enough to choose love over duty. But I... I’ll help you. I’ve written a letter for you, to show wherever you go. It says that you are a friend of the heir to the throne of Erebor, unjustly sent away from your kin, and that I will be indebted to whoever will help you. I... I also helped Nori choose your pony. I’m way better at that than him. Speak of a thief, really, not knowing a bad pony until it’ll die under him...”

Maybe it just stress, but somehow that joke, weak as it was, felt like the funniest thing Ori had ever heard. He started giggling, and crying, and both at once until he could hardly breathe anymore.

“I... I don’t want t-to go in exile,” he sobbed after a moment. “It’s not f-f-air, it’s not fair!”

“I know, Ori, I know... and I swear on Mahal and the Seven Fathers that if I ever find a way to prove you did nothing wrong, I’ll do it. I don’t want you to go either...”

Fili was crying too, and Ori suddenly decided that after all, the prince was worthy of pity. Who was to say he’d have done anything better, if it had fallen to him to protect Dori or Nori’s reputation? So he got up, walked to the bars, and put his hands on Fili’s. The prince jumped in surprise, but he smiled, as if that mere contact was the best thing in the world.

“I... I’ve got a mission for you,” Ori announced. “And for Nori too. It’s... Dori and Balin, they were engaged, and they... after what’s happened, Dori will be stupid, and he’ll be angry, but I know they’re in love... I’m not good at telling when it’s about _me_ , but I know it for other people, you know? So you... You’ve got to make sure they get married, and they get happy. I... _Someone_ in here should get a happy ending, you know?”

And maybe Fili would feel less guilty if he did this, if he felt he was helping Ori after all...

“I will,” the prince promised. “Nori and me won’t let them fuck this up. Only, in exchange... would you do something for me? You don’t have to! It’s just... it’d mean a lot if... that is, I’m pretty sure Nori’s got a plan to send you somewhere nice and safe, and... when you get there, would you write to me? It would... it would mean so much to me, to know... to know you’ve found a place to call home, a place where... where _he_ will never hurt you again... You don’t have to, but...”

“I will,” Ori promised. “I will.”

Fili smiled at him, and thanked him, looking as if Ori had promised him a Silmaril.

Had he always looked at him like that, the younger dwarf wondered? If yes, he had to have been blind to never have noticed before. Fili looked at him the way he’d always hoped Kili would.

The prince didn’t stay long after that. Dusk was coming, and as he explained bashfully, he wasn’t really supposed to be there; he had told his family that he’d be training, and Thorin might not be too happy to meet him there.

Not long after Fili had left, the king came to his cell. There were a few officials, and Dwalin and Balin were on his sides, both trying to look like they didn’t know the prisoner before them and clearly wanting to be anywhere but _there_.

Ori didn’t cry when the king shaved him, nor when he pronounced the words that meant Erebor would never again be a home to him.

He wasn’t sure it had ever been one.


	5. exiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori travels further away than he's ever been, and receive a rather cold welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys have nothing against OCs, because there will be a whole bunch of them. (you'll hear a bit about the regular cast starting next chapter though)  
> I'm also having some fun with a different dwarven society  
> 

The worse, Ori thought, scratching his head distractingly, was the way everything itched as his hair and beard slowly grew back. He managed to control it during the day, but in his sleep he sometimes scratched himself to the point of bleeding. Arei had given him a balm that helped his scabs heal better and calmed the itch, but there wasn’t much of it, and so Ori tried not to use it unless he really had to.

Arei was one of Nori’s friends. Or at least, someone who had worked with him in the past, and had agreed to travel with Ori until... until they got to a place where another dwarf would be waiting for them to take Arei’s place and take Ori further away, until yet another dwarf would replace them...

Arei was already the third one.

So far, he was Ori’s favourite. He had given him that balm, and at nights, he told stories about the places he’d visited, and some of his adventures with Nori, back when he still wore skirts, and did a terrible job of trying to be a girl, according to Arei.

“Should have been born in the Orocarni, that one,” the older dwarf snorted. “They’re not as bad about these things there... makes it a bit difficult to figure out who you’re going to fuck of course, but that also makes the game more interesting.”

Arei had been in the northern parts of Orocarni, like Nori, though never together. He described the place to Ori, with the Ironfists, dark skinned dwarves whose ruler was always female, even when they were a king (“they think the men just don’t have the head for it”) and who had developed many alliages known only to them that they were guarding jealously, some of which made for stronger metal than even mithril. They had sent a few warriors West, back in the days of the wars against the orcs, but they weren’t warriors, not the way dwarves of the West were. Sindri’s folks were a proud people, according to Arei, but that didn’t mean much, Ori thought. All dwarves were proud, and all dwarves thought it a fault in other tribes.

Still, Ori listened, and tried to memorize everything Arei told him. The older dwarf tried to teach him a few words of the common language of the East, but he admitted himself that his pronunciation was less than perfect, and that Ori probably shouldn’t try to use it. Khuzdul would do the trick just nice, after all. That was its point.

When they parted, Arei gave him another pot of balm, and wished him good luck, joking that Ori almost looked like a proper dwarf again.

That day, Ori looked at himself in a small mirror that his mother had slipped in his pack. His hair was as short as a Man’s, and his beard rather looked like Kili’s did. Kili who shaved, or at least kept his beard short because it made archery easier. Kili who must have itched too, but had never complained about. Kili whom he missed as much as ever, half wanting to turn back and beg his prince to take him back, they wouldn’t even have to marry, he’d take anything Kili would give him, anything at all, as long as he could be near him again...

Ori didn’t look in the mirror again after that. He almost threw away the thing in fact, but mirrors were precious, and he thought it wiser to just hide it at the bottom of his pack, and to forget about it.

After Arei, he travelled will Teri. After Teri came Aro. After Aro was Nalj.

Nalj was a huge, terrifying Ironfist with a skin almost as dark as her hair who looked at Aro as if his very existence were an insult to her, and who didn’t say a word until he was gone.

As soon as she was alone with Ori, she turned into the loveliest dwarf he had ever met, asking him in Khuzdul how he was, and how Nori was. She was pleasantly surprised to know that he now worked for a king, and very amused that it didn’t mean he’d gone honest at all.

“It’s just like Nori,” she laughed. “He could work for the Maker himself, he still would be a dirty liar and a thief. Are you like that too? Is that why he’s sent you away so far, to wait until things calm down?”

Ori, who had smiled with her, looked away.

“I’m here... because I’ve made bad choices, bad decisions, and because I’m an idiot... but an honest one, at least.”

Nalj nodded, as if she understood, but Ori could see that she didn’t. Probably thought that he was just ashamed of admitting he was like his brother... whereas really, he felt more ashamed of himself than he would have if he’d been like Nori.

“I’ll be taking you to Gabilbizar,” Nalj announced. “Last step of your journey, isn’t it? Do you know who you’re supposed to meet?”

“Er... a lord Thelor, I think?”

That was the name on one of the letters he’d found in his packs, at least,  the only one in Nori’s uncertain handwriting. There had been other letters. He hadn’t opened them, but he had put Nori and Fili’s ones aside, since they were the ones he’d need most. He wasn’t sure yet he wanted to use Fili’s, to be honest, but it couldn’t hurt to know where it was.

Nalj whistled, impressed.

“Lord Thelor, eh? Bless the Maker, I knew Nori had some good friends, but this... that’s the Queen’s brother in law, you know! Should have expected it from Nori though. Sly old fox.”

Ori winced. He’d had enough with royalty, to be honest. If he could never again see a noble dwarf in his life, he’d be perfectly happy. Of course, maybe things were different among the Ironfists... but somehow, he doubted it. People with power were the same everywhere, Nori and his readings had taught him as much.

But he had no choice, of course.

And if life had proven one thing, it was that nobles didn’t have much interest in him, so he should be safe enough.

 

They arrived in Gabilbizar three weeks later. It was very much like Nogrod, a great city set in one of the passes through the mountains. Or rather, Ori thought, it looked like Nogrod must have looked centuries earlier, when it had still been a place where dwarves and elves made business together. Parts of Gabilbizar were under the sky rather than under rocks, and as Ori followed Nalj through the streets, he saw many men, all of them as dark skinned as the dwarves they talked too, and even here and there an elf, not quite as fair as the ones they had in the West, but just as tall and eerie.

Not that Ori had that much time to look. Nalj walked rather fast while they remained outside, as if she feared she might encounter the wrong people (which was probably the case. She _was_ Nori’s friend). Sometimes she stopped, and she talked to people in a language Ori didn’t understand (and it sounded nothing like what Arei had tried to teach him). Each time, these people would give Ori a queer look, often a frown or a glare with just the barest hint of fear. After a while they left their ponies and luggage in a pen and went underground. Nalj had to talk to people a little longer each time as they moved through rich neighbourhoods, until they arrived with what could only be the Queen’s palace. The only thing as great and splendid that Ori knew of was Khazad Dum, and that was only if the drawings he’d seen were to be trusted. This wasn’t the palace of a people in exile, it was the heart of a place where dwarves had lived since the awakening of the Seven Fathers, and it made Erebor’s finest constructions look like mud piles.

To Ori’s surprise, Nalj took him straight to the main door, only asking him to give her Nori’s letter. With it in hand, she argued a long time with the guards, yelling at them until one of them gave in and went inside, probably to ask for instructions. He came back not too long after, and with him was a very important looking dwarf with decorations of red gold in his graying hair and beard, wearing a white tunic with golden embroidery. He talked for a while with Nalj in that language Ori didn’t understand (he’d have to learn it, he realized. He could manage in Khuzdul underground, but there were other races in the aboveground city, and Khuzdul couldn’t be used there).

“Well, little boy, that’s where I say goodbye,” Nalj said after a moment, turning to Ori. “It was a pleasure travelling with you, and you were good company. If you ever have to run away from somewhere again, come to me, it’ll be my pleasure. There’s a tavern aboveground, the Merry Warg, you should find me there if I’m in town.”

With these words she gave him back Nori’s letter, kissed him on both cheeks, and left. Ori looked at her go for a few seconds, then turned to the other dwarf. He didn’t seem too impressed by the young scribe, but then again, Ori knew he couldn’t have look too impressive. His beard had almost grown back to its old length, but his hair looked like a bird’s nest, and his clothes... well, after weeks of travels... compared to that elegant, richly dress dwarf, he looked like a beggar... which was exactly what he was, he realized.

“Follow me,” the older dwarf ordered. “Do not touch anything.”

Ori nodded, and went after him through the great corridors lit here by glowing plants and there by openings from above. The carvings in the wall were of a precision and delicacy Ori had never seen before, and he found himself wishing he could stop to properly look at them and draw them. Maybe one day he’d get to do that. He thought it unlikely he’d get to live in this palace, or even that he’d ever get in it again after that day, but maybe such decorations weren’t rare in Gabilbizar.

The other dwarf led him to what Ori supposed to be an office. The furniture’s style was unlike anything he’d seen before, but it had a definite office-y feel about it. The black dwarf went to sit on a stool, behind a desk, and stared at him with open disdain.

“I am lord Thelor, son of Grej, son of Krej, and you have apparently asked to see me. Introduce yourself.”

Ori tried to hand him Nori’s letter, but the other dwarf just glared harder.

“You will give this to me when I ask for it. That’s not the case right now. Introduce yourself, Longbeard.”

“I... I am Ori, son of Ari, daughter of Kori, sir.”

“And brother to Nori the Fox. Why are you so far from your home, Longbeard?”

Ori hesitated. He didn’t know what Nori had written on his letter. For the first time since he’d left Erebor, it hit him that he should have tried to read it, or that he should have asked his brother about its contents when Nori had visited him for the last time.

Unsure what to do, he decided to tell the truth.

“I was engaged to one of the prince of Erebor, sir, but things weren’t always very well, and one day I attacked him because I was angry and tired. So they sent me into exile. It was a merciful punishment, or so I’ve been told.”

“It was merciful,” Thelor agreed. “Here, you would have been killed. Give me your letter.”

The young scribe promptly obeyed. Things weren’t quite going the way he’d thought. He hadn’t expected to be welcomed like Durin the Deathless, but if this lord was one of Nori’s friend, why was he treated him like... well, like a criminal, really?

“Your brother claims you were one of King Thorin’s companion when he set to take back his kingdom,” Thelor noted. “And that your exile was the result of a conspiracy of sort. Why didn’t you say that?”

“I... I didn’t think it was relevant, concerning Thorin... I mean, the king,” Ori explained, nervously gripping the edge of his tunic. “And since he’s the one who pronounced my exile, I am not sure I can... I can mention the role I played in this business. I am not sure he would want it. As for... as for a conspiracy... it might be true and... and it might not... I... I don’t really know what to believe. I just know that by the end of things, my fiancé had little love for me, but that I... I still shouldn’t have done what I’ve done.”

“Indeed. It is a crime before the Maker to hurt another dwarf. If you do it here, you will be adequately punished. You are a scribe?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Your brother says you are good.”

“I am, sir,” Ori claimed. “At least, I do the best I can, and I think... I think my best isn’t so bad.”

He lowered his gaze, hoping lord Thelor wouldn’t think he was boasting. But he was a good scribe. He wasn’t much good at anything else, or so he felt these days, but writing was a thing no one could take away from him.

“Do you have anything to prove that?” the lord asked.

“I... not right here, but... I left everything with my pony... I hadn’t thought I’d need... I’m sorry, sir.”

That, apparently, was the wrong answer to give.

“You didn’t think you’d need proofs of your trade, Longbeard?” Thelor spat at him. “You thought you could just come in here and have your talent accepted as a fact of life, simply because I have a letter from your brother, and _he_ is a skilled dwarf? Let this be your first lesson, Longbeard. This isn’t the West, where your family connections are all you need in life. Nothing but your own hard work will take you where you want to go here. Thankfully, you are not the first Westerner I have to deal with, and so I expected this. Nalj was ordered to send your things here. Until they arrive, take a sit and don’t disturb me.”

Ori quickly did as he was told, feeling foolish for not having expected he’d have to show his work. Of course, in his defense, it was his first time in such a situation, but lord Thelor didn’t seem to care about that. it wasn’t a good start, not at all, and Ori found himself hoping that his work would be good enough. It had been good by Ered Luin and Erebor’s standards, but he didn’t know what was considered adequate in Gabilbizar.

By the time someone arrived with his pack, Ori was a nervous wreck, and his hands were shaking dreadfully as he took out a couple books from his bag. He selected two of these, and gave them to lord Thelor who inspected them, browsing through them without letting any emotion appear on his face.

“What are the other ones?” he asked once he was done, putting the books on his desk.

“P-personal projects, sir. Nothing of interest, I’m afraid. Notes and doodles.”

Not his best ones, of course. His best work had been his journal of the quest, but that... he did not want to think about that. He’d done a very good job of almost not thinking about that at all during the entire time he’d travelled, and he wanted things to stay like that. Having lost Kili was one thing, having lost his work...

“Show me these notes,” Thelor ordered. “I will decide what is of interest and what isn’t.”

Ori obeyed, of course. The lord looked at those, his face still blank. Once he was done, he indicated with a gesture that the young dwarf could get back his belongings.

“You are good,” Thelor admitted with a certain reluctance. “But you don’t work the way we do, and so you talent is meaningless. You’ll have to learn from scratch most things... and you don’t speak the common tongue, I suppose? No, of course not. That will be a problem too. You will have to learn. Until then, you aren’t of much use. You’ll have to start at the bottom. Is that a problem?”

Ori shook his head. He’d spent most of his life at the bottom of things, and his attempt of living at the top had shown him he didn’t belong there. Not being important at all sounded... rather good, really.

“Excellent. One of my guards will take you to an inn where you will stay tonight. Tomorrow morning, someone will come and fetch you so that you can start your apprenticeship. Needless to say, this is the first and last time I will help you. If your master isn’t satisfied by your work, I wash my hands of you. By tomorrow morning I will have repaid my debt to your brother, and you are never to seek me again. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” Ori agreed, wondering what Nori could have done to help the lord. Thelor looked and sounded like everything his brother hated...

He’d probably never know, of course, but there was a story there, he could feel it.

Maybe some day, he’d see Nori again, and then he’d get to ask him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple Nori headcanon:  
> He is a transman (this is a permanent headcanon, I just don't always know how to mention it, and it's not always relevant)  
> He can't write very well. He had trouble learning when he was young, and it's not a thing he does often, so his handwriting is a little difficult to read, and it takes him a while to write anything at all (it's not such a problem to him, or at least he doesn't feel it is. He manages well like that)


	6. First letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori has a bad surprise concerning his new apprenticeship, and writes to Fili

Ori’s new Master wasn’t a scribe, as he had expected, but a sculptor, one whose main business was these beautiful wall carvings that he had noticed the day before.

It had the young dwarf panicking. He wasn’t a sculptor, he’d never done such a thing, he couldn’t do that, he was a scribe, and his business was with pencils, not with carving tools. There had been a mistake, or maybe Therol just didn’t want to help him, maybe Nori had made a mistake trusting him, maybe...

“You draw well, I’m told?” Harud said after the first introductions. “My lord patron said you’d make a good apprentice.”

“I, I draw, but I don’t know the first thing about... there’s been a mistake!”

“Kid, if you already knew how to work stone, you wouldn’t need me, would you?”

“But I’m a scribe!”

“And I was a silversmith for twenty year before I turned to stone,” Harud retorted with a bright smile. “Stone is the very best thing there is. You’ll love it. Now grab your things, I’m taking you home.”

Ori thought of protesting, of explaining that this wasn’t right, that paper was his calling, that he was sure of it... but what choice did he have? Lord Thelor had said he wouldn’t help him again. This was his only chance of being something other than a beggar.

And after all, he thought sadly, he was sure about writing, yes, but he’d been sure about Kili too. After having been so mistaken once, how could he trust his judgment for anything?

His first day at Harud’s was dedicated to showing him around, and introducing him to his Master’s household. She lived aboveground with her husband and their two children, and they were all very nice to him. The little ones hadn’t learned Khuzdul yet, and it made communications with them a little difficult, but at the same time they were enchanted when their mother told them they’d have to help Ori learn the common tongue.

In the following days, Ori was shown the tools of his future trade, and told what each of them was for. He watched Harud work, and found himself impressed by the precision of her every movement. He’d known that working with stone wasn’t all heavy work and making houses, but he’d never expected something so delicate could be made out of it.

He’d have to learn about all the different type of stones and their properties, too. He’d learned that long ago, when he was a child, but he had quickly forgotten it all once he’d fallen into the world of paper. Harud had laughed when he hadn’t been able to name most of the stone she’d put in front of him, but he’d listened carefully when she had explained to him what each one was, how to recognize it, what they could be used for, and which tools worked best on them. This wasn’t what he would have chosen to do with his life, had the choice been his, but he would be as good as this as he would manage.

His first week there was so busy that all he could do at the end of it was grab something to eat and fall asleep, and when his first free day came, he spent most of it sleeping again. He’d forgotten how hard it was to learn how to do something entirely new.

An entire month went by before at last, Ori woke up on a morning when he didn’t have anything planned, and he found he didn’t want to just go back to bed. With Harud’s benediction, he decided to go explore the aboveground city (underground, he had learned, wasn’t for the likes of him. Only the most influential dwarves could live surrounded by stone).

He didn’t go far, of course. He didn’t know the town, and he didn’t know the language. If he got lost he would have to ask his way in Khuzdul, and with so many humans around, he wouldn’t make friends if he did that. Still, even just around Harud’s house, there was plenty to see. The walls around there were less richly decorated than underground, but they were decorated nonetheless, and Ori decided to sketch as many things as possible, to keep a trace of this city.

He was in the middle of drawing a beautiful wood door when it hit him that he didn’t need to keep a trace of Gabilbizar, because he would never leave it. This wasn’t Thorin’s quest, he didn’t have to write things down for a king. No one cared what he had to say about the Orocarni. No one would ever look at his drawings, read his notes. He was trapped in this city, for the rest of his life, never to see his family again, never to see Kili again...

It was stupid, really, that he would still miss his prince, after all that Kili had done to him... but he had been his One, Ori remained sure of it, just as a part of him thought that if he’d been better, things wouldn’t have ended like that. He wondered if Kili missed him even just a little, or if he had already forgotten Ori entirely in the comfort of Diat’s arms.

Somehow, thinking of Diat and his jealousy toward her reminded him of Fili. It wasn’t a very nice thought. The prince had looked so hurt when he had last seen him, and it made Ori so sorry. To think that in all these years he had never once suspected anything... but then, he also had never seen Kili’s growing dislike of him... maybe he wasn’t as good at looking as Nori thought he was. But then again, maybe it was for the best? What would he have done if he had known? Kili was his One... what words of comfort could he have given to Fili if he had known then?

But he could give him comfort now, the young dwarf thought. He had promised to write, after all, and he wasn’t much good at anything, but he always kept his word if he could.

The ‘if’ was capital. Writing was very easy, but making sure one’s letter arrived where it was meant to go? Now _that_ was trickier.

That night, he asked Harud if there was any way to send messages into the West.

“Well, there’s the ravens,” she said after a moment of reflection. “It’s very expensive, and you can’t send parcels, only letters, but they travel fast, and always get where they are meant to go. They say the wizards messed with their ancestors brains, made them more clever than any bird had a right to be... and bigger too, almost as big as you, kid!”

“Not so big then,” Ori retorted with a shy smile.

“Well, what’s that! My little student knows how to joke? Excellent! And who are you writing to, back in the West? A friend... a lover?”

“Neither. Just... someone who tried to do me good, as much as he could, and whose kindness I want to repay.”

Hardur’s grin said clearly enough that she didn’t believe a word of it, but he didn’t try to defend himself. He had learned long ago, with Kili’s friends, that protesting your innocence only made you more guilty.

 

“ _Your Highness,”_ his letter read.

“ _I hope this letter finds you well. I have arrived a month ago in Gabilbizar, a city of Ironfists, set in the Orocarni. I have met one of Nori’s friends, who has arranged for me to be apprenticed to a sculptor. I do not know why I couldn’t be scribe, since even here they have them, but I think my not speaking the common language of the East was a problem._

“ _It isn’t so bad here, even if the food is strange, and full of new spices... but I quite like it. Bombur would love it. I would send samples to him, but it is forbidden to give anything but letters to the ravens._

“ _Speaking of the raven, if you want to write an answer, just tell it, and it will wait, or so I’ve been told. They are very clever bird, and not quite as mean as they look. I went to see them before I wrote this, and the dwarf in charge of them told me they were very friendly, once you knew them. But don't send anything heavy, it's not allowed, so just letters._

“ _If you write back, please give me news of everyone? How is my family? Are Dori and Lord Balin still engaged? They have to marry, they seem so happy together, even Nori often said so, and he’s not the sort to pretend about theses things. How is the rest of the company? Tell mister Bifur I’m really sorry for the times I grew impatient with his speaking problems. I’m in the same situation as him now, and I understand better how frustrating it is to know what you want to say, but not be able to say it..._

“ _And how is Kili? I hope people are treating him too badly, after this... little scandal? I know he acted less than good, but after all that’s happened, it would really be a waste if he didn’t even make it out white as snow..._

“ _I hope all is well in Erebor, and I hope to hear from you (though if you do not wish to answer, I will understand)(if you do, I will try to answer in turn, if you want me to, but it might take some time. There’s only two ravens that go West, and one is for the Queen’s use only, so if Karad is needed by someone else, I will have to wait)_

“ _Your humble servant,_

“ _Ori”_

 

Karad the raven came back two months later, soon before sunset, and it entered Ori’s bedroom through a window that should have been too small for it. The young dwarf didn’t mind, though, because the bird carried two letters. Much to his surprise, the first one was from his family.

 

“ _My darling son,_

“ _I hope you will not mind that I borrowed your raven. I can’t believe not one of us thought of asking you to write... and I’m just as surprised that Fili did, and that you agreed. I don’t remember the two of you being close? But still, I am glad. At least this way, I know you are alive and well._

“ _We miss you, my love, we all miss you so much. Dori works all hours of the day because he feels guilty for what happened. He thinks it is his fault, for letting you children live together... but I know dwarflings: you would have done it even without his blessing, and even if you hadn’t, I think Kili would have found some dreadful way to hurt you._

“ _I cannot believe you still ask after him! He’s a monster, Ori. You trusted him, we all trusted him, and see how he acted! You must forget him, my love, for your own good. He’s no better than an orc: even they wouldn’t treat a lover this badly, or so I’ve heard it said. I hope this horrible little prince will die... or if not die, at least suffer terribly. A snake should bite his stones, and then we would never worry about him spawning offsprings! (and if you read this, Fili... well, I mean what I say!)_

“ _I am running out of place, sadly. One last word: Nori is determined to prove that there was a conspiracy against you. He thinks there are some highly suspicious things in this whole business, and you know how he gets when he’s decided something. All of you boys are so stubborn sometimes._

“ _Again, I miss you so much, my love, my darling child, my sweet baby. May Mahal help you in your new life, and guard you better than He did in your old life._

“ _Your mother, Ari.”_

 

That first letter made him both laugh and cry, and sometimes both at once. Oh, Kili would have to be careful. Ari was more than capable of catching snakes herself and leaving them in the prince’s bed if she felt fate took too long in punishing him.

A faint smile on his lips, he read the second letter.

 

“ _My dear Ori,_

“ _First of all, I must ask that you call me by my name. I have been Fili to you for years, do you think the recent events can change that? I know we never managed to really be friends, but it always pleased me greatly that you felt close enough to me to use my name... Of course, if that makes you uncomfortable, just call me whatever you like best._

“ _I have to say, I was very surprised when I saw this huge bird knock at my bedroom’s window! I didn’t know they made birds this big! But you are right, it is indeed very friendly... mostly, it was a little too friendly to my dinner, which I hadn’t eaten yet because I was working._

“ _Except for the fact that I’ve gone hungry last night, I am... as well as I can be under such circumstances. I am lucky that there is so much work to do. I miss you dearly, and I dare not imagine what it would be like if I weren’t busy.  Mother thinks I work too much, but Thorin and her are worse than me. I’m not sure uncle ever sleeps._

“ _I have told Bifur and Bombur what you said about them in your letter, and they were both very touched that you would think of them._

“ _I hope that you do not mind if I showed your letter to your family? I told them I’d received news from you, and they wouldn’t let me alone until they had read it. You will find here a letter from them too. I think they weren’t too happy that you asked after Kili. I personally understand. It is difficult to let go of someone you love, even when you know your love is an impossible one. Still, I hope that Gabilbizar will bring to you someone more worthy of your affection._

“ _To answer your question, Kili is well. The entire kingdom pities his ordeal, save for the Company. I don’t know if Thorin really believed him, but even he doesn’t treat my brother with the same warmth as before. In any case, he makes him work harder, and makes sure that the work is actually done now. Not that Kili minds. He isn’t so bad at making other people do what was asked of him. Maybe he should have been the eldest, he’s better at this whole game than I am._

“ _I fear I don’t know what else to say. I hope to have news from you again. Would you tell me about your life in the Est, and your new apprenticeship? Are you making friends? I hope you are._

“ _I miss you_

“ _Fili.”_

 

Ori didn’t know what he had expected from Fili’s letter, but certainly not this. There was a sort of casual feeling in it for which he hadn’t been prepared. The prince didn’t mention once his love declaration in the prison, and yet almost every word he had written felt like a confirmation of it to Ori. And he was so direct about everything, telling things as they were.. but then again, hadn’t Fili always been like that? Ori had long thought that the prince hated him for how frankly he often spoke. He once again felt stupid for never having seen things before.

It was too late for regrets, though. So he just carefully folded the two letters, put them away in one of his books, and went to fetch something for the raven. It had more than deserved a little treat, after such a long journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter and the following ones before doing proper research (shame on me!) so if I call Karad a crow rather than a raven, please tell me so I can correct it?


	7. letters again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori adapts to his new life

Several months passed before Ori could write again. Not because he didn’t want to, but because Karad the raven was needed elsewhere... and because he had neither the time nor the energy to write. If he had thought it difficult to learn about tools and stones, it was nothing compared to learning how to use the first on the seconds. He wasn’t very good at it. In fact, he wasn’t good at it at all, and he carved his own hands more often that the blocks of stone in front of him. Harud never got angry at him though. She just bandaged his hands, and made him try again. She was of the school of thought that said if you failed often enough, you would exhaust all the failure in you and start making good.

Ori personally felt he would be out of fingers before he was out of failure, but when he told her, she just laughed.

Still, it was all worth it for the intense pride he felt the day he managed to reproduce the pattern she’d given him as a model.

Not that actual sculpting was the only thing he learned. Hadur was a practical dwarrowdam, who knew you didn’t get far in life without a good head for numbers (which Ori had) and a knowledge of how to deal with clients of all sorts (a domain in which Ori was rather lacking). Whenever possible, she made sure he was present when she negotiated new orders.

Since she worked a lot for human and elves, Ori often didn’t understand the exact words his Master used, but it just made it easier to study Hadur’s body language or tone of voice, and the way she played with it. She made herself smaller and more delicate when she spoke to elves, her voice slightly higher, but not high enough to sound like she was imitating them. To humans, she was often rough, but she laughed a lot and they seemed to like that. When she dealt with dwarves, she was a different person each time, always finding the right way to behave so that this noble would be comforted in the idea he was the most important dwarf in the city (and thus be convinced that his house needed this ensemble of carvings for his doorway, and for double the normal price).

“You’ve got to figure out what they want to hear,” she often told Ori. “And most of the time it’s easy, because what they want to hear is exactly what they are saying... unless you start playing with the guys who are right on top of it all. They’re not as easy to figure out, but it’s all part of the game... and you won’t play much with them anyway. I’ve worked for lord Thelor once or twice, but that’s it. Most High Lords think I’m too low class for them. I had an adoption offer, though, when I was younger.”

Ori nodded. He didn’t quite understand the Ironfists’ adoption system, but getting adopted by the right people was the best way to rise into society, it seemed. He hadn’t really had the occasion to ask for details yet, and anyway, Hadur had already mentioned that criminals were virtually never adopted... and he was a criminal, however unwillingly.

 

He had been in Gabilbizar for nearly a year when the Birdmaster sent him word that Karad was free, if he was interested. And interested he was indeed.

 

“ _Dear Fili,_

“ _I am sorry for not writing before, but Karad was very busy, and so was I. Working with stone is even harder than I ever expected, and my progress is very slow... but I won’t give up. It’s not like I have a choice anyway, and my Master says she is sure in a couple year, I’ll be decent enough (though even she admit that I’ll probably never be great at it... but as long as I can eat and get a place to live, what does it matter?). She’s very kind, and she has two children who have decided to teach me Eastron. So far, I have learned more insults than polite words._

“ _I haven’t really made friends yet. I don’t have the time, with my apprenticeship... and people don’t really want to associate with me, I think. Somehow, people have learned that I have been exiled for a crime against the royal family of the Longbeards, and here they take these things very seriously. Hadur (that’s my Master) says that it’ll probably get better once I’ve proven that I am actually, and I quote her “a sweet and polite little shy thing that wouldn’t hurt a fly”. I tried to tell her I wasn’t a sweet thing, I had fought orcs and goblins, but apparently, that’s not a good thing to say in these parts, because sometimes they make business with orcs... the one thing I could still be proud of, and I won’t be able to boast about it..._

“ _I miss Erebor so much, and Ered Luin even more. I miss the way the sun looked in spring, and the snow in winter. There isn’t snow here, or at least not the way we do back at home... What the point of it getting cold in winter if you don’t get snow? I miss the snowball fights we had sometimes... I remember that time when we were kids and you teamed up with your brother, leaving me with little Gimli, and we still won... and then all of us got a cold. Mother was furious and she almost forbid me from ever playing with you again..._

“ _I miss this so much, the time when everything was easy... We had such fun then, the three of us... I wish things hadn’t changed, that we could still be silly children, with Kili dragging us into all sort of trouble just because he was bored... I don’t know where he found all these ideas. It think the worse one was the pear cart thing. I am forever grateful to the Maker that we didn’t get caught, I think mama would never have let me out of the house ever again._

“ _How is mama, by the way? And Dori? Are Balin and him still engaged? You didn’t say, and neither did mama. I hope they didn’t do anything stupid... I’d hate to know they broke off because of me... They have to be together, it’s... right, you know? Dori once told me he had had a soft spot for lord Balin long before the quest, it’d be too horrible if things didn’t work out... you’re my spy, Fili, so I’m counting on you to tell me how things are for them! (and do remind Nori that he too is working for me on this. I want my brother to be happy, damn it!)_

“ _Well, this was... a rather silly and pointless letter... I hope you won’t mind... I really don’t have much to say, or at least nothing that could be interesting to you... but still, it makes me feel better to write like this... it’s almost like talking to an old friend, if you don’t mind my calling you that._

“ _I hope to hear from you,_

“ _Ori_

“ _PS: find enclosed a letter for mama, and a portrait of Harud. Could you give it to mama, and tell her that she’s much nicer than she looks? And tell Nori she’s married, so he can forget it.”_

 

It was his third try, and the one that mentioned Kili the least. He found it hard to not talk about his prince, but it would have been cruel to Fili, and he didn’t want that.

It wasn’t a very good letter, but it could have been much worse... And it _did_ make him feel better.

 

Not long after he had sent that letter, Harud decided it was high time Ori properly learned to speak Eastron. As she told him, she had rather hoped that he’d manage to make friends, even with the taint of his exile, and that he would learn the language like this. Since things hadn’t worked the way she’d hoped, she had negotiated with friends of her own and found someone to teach him.

An elf.

“You’ve mentioned you spoke Sindarin, don’t you?” Hadur noted. “So does he. It’s the best option. I’ll be working underground in the next few weeks, and it’s pretty pointless to take you there with me, you’re not quite advanced enough in your studies. So I’ve talked with Berath, he’ll watch over you in the mornings with you learn to carve, and you’ll spend the afternoon learning Eastron. What do you say?”

Ori agreed. He didn’t have much of a choice. And he really was growing frustrated by his inability to do anything. It hadn’t mattered too much at first, because he had spent most of his time with Harud who translated for him, but if she was going to be underground more, he’d need to do things on his own.

Luckily, Amdir was a nice elf, much nicer than the ones he’d been confronted to in Mirkwood, and less formal than the ones of Rivendell. He had a twisted sense of humour, and he didn’t like dwarves very much, but he had some respect for Harud, and so he did his best to teach Ori. By the end of the first week, Amdir’s lessons had improved his knowledge of Eastron enough for him to go to the market alone, and buy a fresh pot of ink. It wasn’t much, but he felt terribly proud of himself.

By the end of the month he could also ask his way, and he dared to go and explore the aboveground city a little without the fear of never being able to go back to Harud’s. He finished filling a sketchbook with the things he saw that day, and he promised himself he would occupy his free time like that as often as he could.

Not long after that first real visit of Gabilbizar, a new letter arrived from Fili.

 

“ _Dear Ori_

“ _It pains me to hear that people are treating you like this... especially since you didn’t do anything wrong. I wish I could do something to help you, but I am once more powerless, and I hate it. At least your master seems nice enough... and that’s something._

“ _I want to thank you for having taken the time to write to me, even though you had so much to do. After so many years of not even daring to speak to you, for fear I’d say things I would regret, it means so much that you would treat me as a friend... even though I am less than worthy of that friendship. I have failed you in so many ways... But if in spite of it you want to call me your friend, then I will be the happiest dwarf that ever was. And may I add that everything you have to say interests me? I love hearing from you, or as is now the case, reading your letters._

“ _Your Master seems like a nice dwarrowdam. I am afraid I must side with her: you are a very sweet and polite dwarf. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a warrior too. Look at Balin! He looked polite and nice even as he was bashing orcs’ heads! (and by the way... making business with orcs? What sort of dwarves are these people? I’ve done a fair bit of reading about the Ironfists lately, and while we’ve had little contacts with them since the Seven Fathers awakened, they send warriors for our great wars against the orcs a couple years back... so there’s a mystery here!)_

“ _Concerning your brother and Lord Balin... they didn’t exactly break off the engagement, but they stopped talking for weeks and weeks... things improved a little after your first letter, though. Dori deigns to talk to him these days... but you know how they used to go on dates, and spend evenings together? It is a thing of the past. (I personally didn’t know about it anyway, but Nori informed me such things used to occur). We will not let things remain so, though! Nori and me are making plans. (I can’t say more, because I am waiting for your mother or Dori to bring their own letter to you, and it would ruin everything if we were discovered)(but it is Nori’s plan, and therefore it can’t fail, so I’m sure very soon, I’ll write to you about your brother’s wedding)._

“ _You know, I miss Ered Luin too. All my life I’ve been told I was a prince, and it wasn’t all that funny, but really being one... I too would love to go back home and have snowball fights. We’ve had snow this winter, but I was so busy helping uncle organize the food approvisionnement of the mountain that I couldn’t enjoy it... (though I gave a beautiful set of golden beads to Gimli, in exchange for which he slipped snow down Kili’s collar every occasion he had, and that was a consolation) (I might ask him to do the same next winter, it was so much fun to hear Kili’s yells, and to know he couldn’t do the same to me because I am the heir and no one would dare to cross me)(oh, okay, so maybe I do like being a prince sometimes)_

“ _But more than Ered Luin, I miss you. Ori, you would just love the progress that we’re making in the mountain! It’s nowhere near what it used to be, if you listen to the older dwarves, but we youngsters are starting to think it a very decent place to live in. More and more dwarves keep arriving, not just exiles, but also people from the Iron Hill or Ered Luin who want to grab their chance and create something new. There are shops and smithies opening everywhere, and restaurants, and Gloin said they will soon be able to really start taking care of the library! Gimli is overjoyed, and trying to help, even though that’s not his domain... but he loves books as much as you do, and Gloin is in charge of it, so he’ll probably be a temporary librarian in the mornings (and in the afternoon, he will train with Dwalin, who wants him in the guards. Gimli has a lot of success, as always)._

“ _Do you want news from the rest of the Company? Thorin is working too much, as can be expected. Balin is still in charge of the treasury, but he’s training someone to take his place, because he would like to have more time for his job as uncle’s right hand. Dwalin is still terrorizing the young recruits of the guard, and when he’s not there he’s terrorizing the people who get too close to Thorin, and in his free time, he goes to the tavern with Nori and they have philosophical debates (the sort anyone has after a dozen beers). Nori is... doing something. I am not sure what. I’m not sure I want to know. Dori is head of the merchants’ Guild. No one knows how this happened. No one wants to know. I’m starting to think both of your brother are equally mysterious and scary. Oin is head of Erebor’s hospice. They’re looking for better buildings to host it, preferably something near the side of the mountain, for light. Gloin, as I’ve told you, is taking over the library. Bombur owns half the restaurants of Erebor, at the very least. Since they’re all great, no one minds. Bifur works a lot with Oin, to help dwarves who have been wounded in battle get used to living with their injuries. They make a great team. And Bofur... well. Bofur. He’s received an invitation to go have tea in the Shire, and he accepted it. He left not long after your last letter, and he still isn’t back. Going all that distance for a friend.. I’d say there’s something fishy, don’t you agree?_

“ _Well, I believe that’s all I have to say for now. I impatiently await for your next letter._

“ _Forever yours,_

“ _Fili.”_

 

Ori laughed at the idea of Gimli playing pranks on Kili (it was a fair revenge for all the times the princes had teased their young cousin... and a tiny part of him thought it avenged _him_ , too), but he gasped in horror at the idea of letting him near the library. Gimli wasn’t a bad sort, but he tended to be... rough, and these books had to be so fragile, after so many years...

He laughed again at the idea of Nori and Dwalin drinking together, and grinned foolishly when he read about Bofur and Bilbo. He had had a few suspicions during the quest, and he had told Nori, but his brother had been certain there was nothing more than friendship... well! Ori had been right. No one travelled across half the world to see just a friend, so that was proof enough.

 

The very next day, he went to see the Birdmaster, to see how long it would be before Karad would be free again. The other dwarf informed him that the bird deserved a week of good rest at the moment, but that otherwise, no one had made any request.

“Most people don’t really know anyone in the far West,” he explained. “Karad used to have a pretty quiet life until you came along. Not that she seems to mind. She’s restless, that one, she likes to travel. But are you sure you’ll have the money?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a few savings...”

“Didn’t leave home without taking a little money, eh? Good thinking. But if you’re Kared’s brother, that’s not a surprise.”

“Kared?”

The Birdmaster smirked. “Always _knew_ that wasn’t his real name. A bit taller than you, pale as a lion’s ass, hair red as a carrot, and a smile that would make a hyena run away in fear? People say he’s your brother.”

“He is... and Kared’s not the name he uses most, no... Do you know him?”

“Met him once or twice. He liked the ravens, tried to steal one... almost lost a finger in the process. My babies, they don’t just go with _anyone_.”

Ori couldn’t help a smile. That was just like Nori to do something so stupid... and wouldn’t it have been _brilliant_ if he had succeeded. Nori was a good enough thief, but with a sidekick would could fly, he would have been unstoppable.

“Who are you writing to, anyway?” the Birdmaster asked suddenly. “Must be someone damn important if you’re spending all that money just to get a letter to fly across half the world. Girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

“Just friend!” Ori grumbled. “Well, I... I’ll come back in a week, then! Karad, take good care of yourself!” he added, looking at the bird who nodded at him.

 

A week later he came again, with his newest letter ready to be sent.

 

“ _Dear Fili,_

“ _DO NOT LET GIMLI ANYWHERE NEAR THESE BOOKS. This is my plea to you. Save the books, and I will be forever in your debt! I like him a lot, but he is... not to be trusted with fragile things, and these books will certainly be very fragile! I will do anything you want if you protect these books, as long as it can be done in a letter. I have nothing against Gimli, and he is a very nice kid, but do you remember the time he broke one of your swords because he wanted to see how flexible it was? Now ask yourself, is this the sort of person we want to handle rare, fragile books? I think not._

“ _Curse Dori and his stubbornness! If things aren’t well between  Balin and him, you can bet it’s his fault. As if poor Balin could have done anything for me! I still remember how he looked when Thorin came to shave me... that was the look of a dwarf who didn’t want to be there. I do so hope your plan with work. Just in case, let me remind you that Dori loves tea. He won’t admit it, but his favourite one is green tea with jasmine. It’s a bit expensive, because the flowers come from so far away, and I doubt Dori is used yet to having so much money... so if nothing else works, do suggest that to Balin. If it doesn’t work, nothing will._

“ _Other than that, I am glad to hear everyone is doing well. I am just a little worried at the idea of Nori and Dwalin’s sudden friendship. Only, you see, Nori has a type, and he described it to me during the quest as “a bit like Dwalin, but that wouldn’t want to send me in jail”. Now, I’m not saying anything’s happening, but still... will you be my spy again, Fili? I doubt you’ll see anything if Nori doesn’t want you to, but it would put my mind to rest._

“ _What else could I tell you? I am taking proper lessons in Eastron. So if you come and visit, I’ll be able to take you for a tour of the aboveground city! I am just starting to try some inns and restaurants, some are very nice, I’m sure you would like them. And then, I’d take you to see the glass-blowers, and the sculptors, and the market! And I’d take you on top of the ravens’ tower, so that we’d see the entire city and the valley, and it’s one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Sometimes, I really wish I weren’t alone here, it would be so nice to have someone to share this with... but considering how I left... I suppose I should be glad no one’s with me. It would be selfish of me to wish such shame and dishonour on someone, just so I wouldn’t be lonely._

" _Speaking of which, is it very bad that I’d like news from Kili? I know I shouldn’t ask, and to you least of all... but I want to know if he’s well, and how things are going for him. I’m such an idiot, but even now, I miss him... I realize that he’s been awful to me, and not just because of how everything ended... and yet I miss him. I suppose he was right after all, all these times he called me an idiot. And I wouldn’t ask you, really, only my only other option is mama, and she only ever mention his name to say all the ways in which she would torture and kill him if she could, and that’s not what I want to hear. Even now, I just want Kili to be happy._

“ _I hope some day, I’ll be free from my memories of him... I’m sure it’s a feeling you must understand and share. Maybe if I learn that he really is moving on, it will make it all easier? If so, I’m afraid it’s a relief I can’t give you yet. I still haven’t talked to anyone, except to buy things... well, there’s Harud and Amdir, the elf who teach me Eastron, but as my teachers, they don’t really count of course. I’m making efforts, though! Harud says part of the job is being at ease with the clients, and for that I first need to learn to be at ease around people. I think she wants to make me meet her friends... I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I’ll do my best. What choice do I have?_

“ _Sorry that this hasn’t been a very happy letter. The next one will be more cheerful, I promise!_

“ _I hope to hear from your soon,_

“ _Ori_

 

It really wasn’t a happy letter, and he almost didn’t sent it. But Harud had told him that very morning that she’d be taking him with her to a friend’s house where they had both been invited for dinner, and were he’d meet other artisans of all crafts, and the prospect terrified him. He wasn’t an artisan, no matter how hard he tried, and while it wasn’t a bad job, he couldn’t see himself talking of stone carving all night. He feared it would be exactly like being around Kili’s friends again, surrounded by people whose conversations didn’t interest him, but without even the hope of kisses and sex to make up for it.

He had needed to vent, and sadly, he only had Fili to talk to.

Maybe Harud wasn’t so wrong. He needed to make friends.


	8. Don't ask anything of an elf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to people is hard  
> being ask to figure out why elves do the things they do is even harder, and Ori doesn't like the answers he gets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mention of racism

Meeting Harud’s friends wasn’t quite so bad in the end. They were all very nice people, and once they learned that Ori had been a scribe before, they asked him all sorts of questions about it. It was difficult to answer sometimes, especially since he had to do it in Eastron: there were Men present, as well as Amdir, and so Khuzdul wasn’t an option. No one made fun of his mistakes though, or at least not in the way Kili’s friends had. Sometimes he could see that his sentences didn’t make any sense, but Harud helped him. And once, he accidentally used the word penis instead of charcoal, and it made everyone laugh, but they were quick to explain the joke to him.

He still stopped talking after that, terrified he’d make another mistake, but everyone seemed to understand, and they didn’t insist. He wasn’t entirely left out of the conversation, though. Amdir, who seemed dreadfully bored (although you never knew with elves, it probably was their default expression) translated bits of what was going on for Ori.

All things considered, it had been a very nice evening, and Ori only panicked a little bit when Harud told him it was only the first of many.

“Kid, there are three ways of making it big in this world,” she told him the next day while he had his first try at marble. “The first is to have a gift, which you do... but in your writings, and that’s not what Mahal has decided you’d do here. The second is by having a network... and for that you need to meet people. You’ll never be a genius sculptor, kid, not like those who work for the underground palaces, but you can be a tolerable one who knows the right people, and that’s what we’re aiming for.”

“What’s the third way?”

“Adoption, of course. But no one adopts you without a reason, so in the end it’s more the final stage of the other two ways. And you won’t be adopted. I know you’re not a bad sort, and the more I get to know you, the more I think there’s something wrong about your story. You don’t look like someone who would assault his lover merely because you were angry one day. But still... the word is you’ve committed a crime, and no one would adopt you knowing that.”

She said it as if it were a small tragedy, and Ori, once more, found himself wondering about the way adoption worked in Gibilbizar. As far as he remembered, in Ered Luin, being adopted was a bad thing. It meant you had no family, or that they had rejected you as a child, and considering how precious children were, it was a bad sign. But here, he often heard say that this or that great noble dwarf was adopted, or that this person had had an adoption offer, and it was the cause of more gossip than people courting or the state of business.

“Why are people adopted so often?” he asked.

“You don’t do that in the West?” Harud wondered, sincerely surprised. “You really are a strange lot! It’s common enough around here. It happens less with the Stonefoots, but otherwise it’s pretty normal in the entire Orocarni! But fine. The way it is, is... there’s not many of us girls, which means not many little ones are born, right?”

“Right.”

“And there’s girls who don’t even want children, because their craft are more important to them. But the girls who do want them, they often have more than one. So more often than not, when the children are adult, there’s one that stays with their parents, and the rest that will get themselves adopted into other families, by people who don’t have kids of their own, so that the line isn’t broken.”

“But why aren’t they adopted as children? Wouldn’t it be easier to teach them what they need to know about their new family like this?”

Harud frowned at him as if he’d said something terrible. “You’d want us to take kids away from the person who gave them birth? That’d be monstrous! Beside, it’s hard to figure out how a child will turn out. No one wants to take in a kid only to realize later they’re not suited for the life they’ll have in their new family. It’s easier to pick an adult and make sure they are what you’re looking for. A good adoption is more important than a good marriage, so you’ve got to be careful. It is a _sacred_ bond. Just like the Maker created us, and Eru adopted us afterward, your birth parents bring you into this world, and then later you are taken in by someone who saw worth in you and decided to help you in this world.”

It seemed to be a pretty strange way of doing things, and he rather felt like saying so, but Hadur seemed to think they had chatted enough, and she reminded him that he was meant to be doing something else. Ori quickly went back to working with his piece of marble.

It most definitely wasn’t a great success, but his Master assure him she’d done much worse on her first try. Marble, according to her, was tricky, and she really wished rich people would stop being so obsessed with it.

“It’s not even that pretty,” she sniffed disdainfully. “But it’s expensive, and that’s better than pretty, for some people.”

 

For all of his trouble with marble, Ori was slowly getting a bit better at carving in a more general way. He had started working on things they would actually sell, and would sometimes go with Harud when there was a wall to decorate somewhere. His work wasn’t perfect, he knew it, but it wasn’t too bad either.

And since everyone seemed to think he wouldn’t get much better than that regarding the actual job, he decided to use his time and efforts on learning something else. Such as how to make sure he knew _people_.

It was hard, at first. His every instincts told him that he would bore everyone, that no one wanted to talk to him, and even less listen to him. He had more than learned how boring he was when he was around Kili and his friends. But he forced himself anyway, talking about the weather with the neighbours, and offering to go to the market for Harud, so that he’d be forced to talk to _more_ people. Most days it was a torture, but after a few weeks he relaxed a little. No one had told him yet they didn’t want to talk to him, and none of them looked particularly annoyed when they saw him coming.

The first time someone stopped him in the street to say hello and chat about a new inn that had opened down the street, he could have cried out of joy. Instead, he said he’d tried it, and the food wasn’t bad, but their wine tasted like horse piss, which got him a laugh. And that, too, was a success.

He wasn’t exactly friend with anyone, of course. They knew he was a criminal, and worse than that, the wrong kind of criminal: the sort that had been _caught_. Still, he was at least on friendly terms with almost everyone in the immediate neighbourhood. Even old widower Karkadh who never did anything but yell at everyone (but he liked peaches, and Ori brought him some one day, because he’d made a mistake at the market and had bought far too many). Even Crazy Therad who also yelled a lot (and who wasn’t crazy at all but had had a head injury when he was young and had trouble speaking, just like Bifur). And all the kids around knew that if they came to see him with a sheet of paper, they might go home with a nice drawing of their choice.

It wasn’t easy, and most days he hated forcing himself to talk to people like that. Some days he didn’t manage at all and stayed hidden inside, carving and carving and refusing to go anywhere, feeling certain he’d start crying if he had to talk to anyone. Hadur never forced him to go out on such days, and he was grateful for it.

Days like this came less often as he got more used to being around other people, though. After his experience in Erebor, it was rather startling to realize he could be... maybe not popular, but at least well liked.

Then one day, someone came asking for his help.

Orodh was a grocer. He wouldn’t have called himself like that of course, because he was a dwarf and for some reason, dwarves seemed to think grocer was some sort of an insult. And no one would have wanted to insult Orodh: he wasn’t very tall, almost as small as Ori, but twice as large, and with a very short temper.

And at the moment, he had a problem with elves.

“They’re the only ones in town to have access to good salt,” he explained. “You can get it in mines in the South of the mountains, but sea salt is better and they know how to make it clean and better for food... only the bloody elves won’t sell it to us, not even in our own city. They sell it to Men, who then sell it to us... and not even to all of us, only to those underground, since they’re the ones with money. Meaning the folks from aboveground only get the leftovers, or salt from mines.”

“That’s not very good,” Ori admitted. “Only, I don’t know what any of it has to do with me?”

“Well, you know elves. You speak their language, and you’re friend with that Amdir fellow, aren’t you?”

“Oh. I don’t know about friends... I just... he teaches me things, and we haven’t killed each other yet, you know?”

Orodh laughed. “That’s as close to friendship as anyone can get with these tall ones! And, well, you see, I’ve been thinking. You know elves. Or at least, one of them. Who talks to you.”

“He talks to Harud too,” Ori pointed out.

“Yes, but I’ve borrowed a knife from _her_ a while ago but I lost it, so now she won’t have anything to do with me,” Orodh grumbled as if he found it terribly unfair. “But I’ve done nothing to _you_ , so you’re more likely to help. And here’s how: would you go and ask your elf why his damn friends won’t sell salt to us? We’ve tried asking them officially, but you know elves, they just refused to answer and looked offended that we’d even ask...”

Ori couldn’t help a snigger. It was true that elves tended to do that a little. At least, Amdir did it a lot. And so had the elves of Rivendell, so long ago, when he had asked them if they knew how to make chips. Come to think of it, the elves of Mirkwood hadn’t been much better.

“I’m not sure I’m all that good with elves,” Ori sighed. “I’ve had some experiences with them, it never worked too well.”

“You can’t do worse than us,” Orodh retorted. “Try at least? It would help us a fair bit. You don’t even have to solve the problem, just figuring out what the problem is would already be a first step.”

Ori still had his doubts, but Orodh looked like he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Curse the stubbornness of dwarves, Ori thought as he promised to do his best.

 

If he’d had doubts while promising, it was nothing compared to what he felt next time he went to see Amdir for an Eastron lesson. How was he even supposed to ask, if no attempts made before toward elves had ever succeeded? He was sure Nori would have figured out how to do it. Nori was good at that sort of things. And Kili would just have charmed the elf somehow, because he was so good at that, and no one could ever resist him.

But he wasn’t Nori, and even less Kili. He was just Ori, who wasn’t even good with people to begin with. He didn’t know how to do these things, no one had ever told him, but he had promised and he had to try because he just couldn’t go back to Orodh like that... He briefly considered lying, saying he had asked and hadn’t been given an answer... but, well, that would be lying. Maybe everyone in these parts thought he was a criminal and a bad dwarf, but his mother had taught him to be honest.

So he decided to be honest.

“Why don’t the elves sell salt to the dwarves?” he asked.

“Not in Sindarin,” Amdir replied without even blinking. “In Eastron.”

Ori rolled his eyes, and repeated his question. Amdir nodded, apparently pleased.

“We don’t sell to them because they are abominations,” the elf explained in Eastron,  as if the reason were obvious. “They were not meant to exist.”

“Oh, _thanks_.”

“Oh, it’s not as much of a problem with you. You are _less_ of an abomination. You are the right _colour_ , you see... even if you have darkened since you arrive. But the sun here tends to do that. It tries to burn off the creatures who live in these faithless parts.”

“You hate them because their skin is _black_?” Ori asked, amazed that it could be a criteria for not liking people. “But... but the Men too have a dark skin, so it doesn’t make sense!”

“Yes, they have a skin to match their soul, but Men have a place in this world. They were meant to exist. Dwarves weren’t. It isn’t so bad when they look like people, the way you do. You are tolerable, and clever enough to have learnt Sindarin. Most of your kind just can’t manage it.”

Ori clenched his fists. He had liked Amdir, who had always been pretty nice to him, but that... even the elves of Mirkwood, who weren’t the friendliest of people, would never dare to say something like that, not face to face with a dwarf at least, not even when Ori and the others had just been beggars and prisoners to them.

He still smiled, though. Thank the Maker for his time with Kili’s friend, he’d had to hear worse and still smile.

“So that’s only a theological problem, then?”

“Well, there’s also the fact that the Men don’t buy just salt,” Amdir reluctantly admitted. “They buy a fair amount of fabric too. Mostly they buy it just to get the salt, because they are uncultured swine with no eye for beauty, but what matters is that they buy it. It’s better for us to make business with Men than with Dwarves.”

“But what if the dwarves bought fabric from you too?”

Amdir glared at him, as if the question offended him. It probably did. Having just been called an abomination, Ori felt little sympathy for the elf’s hurt feelings.

“I don’t know,” Amdir grunted. “That wouldn’t be for me to decide. That’s not my job. I’m just a cook. These things are no business of mine.”

“Yes, but technically...”

“I said I don’t know! I suppose it might... Why do you care anyway? I’m meant to teach you Eastron, not to discuss business with you!”

“Of course, of course,” Ori sighed, curling up and making himself smaller, like Harud always did before elves. “I hope I did not disrespect you. You are so kind for teaching me in spite of... of all that I am.”

That seemed to satisfy Amdir, who instantly calmed down, and moved the conversation to a less problematic topic. Ori followed his lead, but he found himself hoping that these lessons would soon no longer be necessary. Even if the subject never came up again, it would be difficult to talk to Amdir knowing that he felt more than what Hadur called “a healthy dislike of dwarves”.

As soon as his lesson was over, Ori ran to Orodh’s shop, to tell him everything he had learned. A small part of him wanted to keep secret Amdir’s words about dwarves and people with a darker skin, but in the end he was so upset by it that he blurted out the whole thing. Orodh seemed neither surprised nor particularly hurt by it.

“It’s not like they hide it, you know,” he told Ori. “And at least now, we know for sure. There’s a few of us that suspected something like that, to be honest. That bit about fabric though, that’s new. We’ll have to see about that. You did well, kid. If you ever need a favour and I can help, I’m right here.”

Ori promised he would think about it, and after buying a few grenades for himself and Harud’s children, he went home.

Much to his surprise and delight, Karad the ravenwas waiting for him, and that was probably the best thing to have happened that day.

 

“ _Dear Ori_

“ _You will be pleased to learn that I have successfully prevented Gimli from working in the library. Instead, he is now helping Oin and Bifur with the hospice (they finally found a suitable place for it). Combined with the time he spends on the training grounds, that’ll make him an odd dwarf, capable of healing and killing quite as easily._

“ _You said you would be forever in my debt if I saved the books, and I did. Do not think I worked for free! I am selfless, but not that_ _selfless, and Gimli’s been cross at me for days now. So here is my request: I want you to draw your portrait, and send it to me. You’ve drawn things for everyone in the company, and they all have something of yours, except for me. It would give me something to help me remember you, even when you’ll have been gone for a life time. You need to learn to forget Kili, as you said yourself, but for my part I don’t want to forget you._

“ _Now, for more good news!_

“ _I made that poor raven wait for three weeks in my bedroom, you know, but I had a good excuse. You see, when I received your letter, Balin had for a while been trying to find an appropriate gift for Dori, something to express how much he still cared for him, and that he wished to know if your brother still felt engaged to him. He couldn’t find anything suitable, though. Balin always mocks uncle for wanting things to be too perfect, but he’s no better. Then came your letter, and your suggestion of jasmine tea, and we had to wait a bit because there wasn’t any in the mountain, so we had to ask the elves who did have some, and..._

“ _And there’s going be a wedding next winter! I wasn’t there, but Nori told me that Dori almost broke into tears, and he kissed Balin in front of him and your mother. Dori! Public Kissing! You were right, he really must be crazy about Balin to do something like that! But they look so sweet together... Balin seems at least 50 years younger now that everything is well again between them._

“ _Good news again! Bilbo came to visit us! He travelled here with Bofur, who is now showing him all around the mountain. They seem to have a great deal of fun, and they are always playfully arguing about whether the Shire or Erebor is the nicer place (I think it might be the Shire, but don’t tell anyone I said that). Bilbo asked after you. He was very sad to learn what has happened, but I told him you seemed to be doing okay in the Orocarni. You will find with this letter a little note from him._

“ _What other good news could I give you? Bifur might be courting someone. He’s become very good friend with a dwarf who had lost his leg during the Battle, and they have been seen together more and more these days... and Nori thinks if they’re not courting, they will be soon. He was ready to bet about it. Gimli bet against it, but I’m smarter than that. If Nori says there’s romance in the air, you’d better believe him. He knows everything. As far as I know, that’s his job: Nori, knower of everything. I suppose it’s technically better than being a thief, but it honestly also makes him a good deal scarier. Which isn’t a thing he needed._

“ _Is that enough good news? I can’t find more than that, though I wish I could, because it’s not nearly enough to soften the bad news I have._

“ _You’ve asked about Kili. I wouldn’t have told you about him if you hadn’t asked, but since you did, I will not hide anything from you, nor will I lie to you: Kili and Diat are married, and she is pregnant. Or to be more honest, she is pregnant, and so they had to get married. It is quite the scandal, because they had just started courting, so they shouldn’t have been intimate yet... but of course, we both know that has never stopped Kili before._

“ _They seem... happy enough, the two of them. Let’s say they make a good match. They’re both very good at making people see things their way. I’m sure in a year or two, they’ll have made everyone forget what a hurried business their marriage was. After all, this time around, no one seemed to remember that one of Kili’s reasons for asking that your engagement be broken was your “insane and unfounded” jealousy toward Diat._

“ _My dear Ori, I really hate being the bringer of such bad news to you, but now you know. Is it very selfish of me to hope that even now, we will still be writing to each other? I have no illusions concerning the reason behind your letters, but I hope that even now there’s no chance Kili might change his mind about you, you will still accept to be my friend._

“ _I miss you, and hope your pain will not last,_

“ _Fili.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> er, er, to make things better, have fluffy, half assed doodles?  
> http://tagathsketch.tumblr.com/post/58800454686


	9. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori deals with what he's learned  
> and is once more approached for a problem with elves

It took Ori days to manage to smile again, and even then it was forced. He felt as if everything he’d done, all the progress he’d made, everything in his life was wasted and useless now that he knew he had truly, entirely lost Kili.

It was ridiculous, of course. It had been a year and a half since he’d arrived in Gabilbizar, he knew that Kili would never have changed his mind, he knew his prince had been more than happy to get rid of him, he knew it, and still he had hoped. He had been so sure, for years, that Kili was his One, that somehow things would get better, that maybe after a few years, they would find each other again, that all his efforts to be good would be rewarded...

Hope, he decided, was a piece of shit.

And once hope was gone, anger took over. He had never done anything _wrong_. He’d done his _best_ , all along, he’d tried _hard_ to be everything Kili wanted of him. He’d accepted so many things, made so many concessions to be good enough, and yet he’d been discarded like an old sock as soon as someone better had come along. Just because Diat had breasts and a rich family

Ori wasn’t sure if he wanted her to be as miserable as he’d been, or he hoped she’d resist Kili and show him he couldn’t always get what he wanted how he wanted it. He wanted Kili to never be happy. He wanted no one to _ever_ be happy.

 

During the first few days that followed Fili’s letter, Ori refused to go out and Hadur accepted it. She even agreed that he stopped going to Amdir’s for a while, and that truly was a blessing. After their last conversation Ori wasn’t sure he’d have been able to be polite to him, even without the news about Kili.

At the end of the first week, though, Hadur seemed to decide that he’d had enough time to feel suitably bad about everything, and she started sending him to the market, as had become his habit. He tried to resist at first, but she politely reminded him that she was his Master, and that as such, when she gave an order, he obeyed.

It was a torture to see all these people going about their lives. People who didn’t know that Kili belonged to another. People who didn’t know that Ori had lost the love of his life, the dwarf that _should_ have been his One. People who asked him how he was, as if words could express that feeling of absolute pain and utter betrayal that possessed him.

“Just gotten some bad news from home,” he always answered instead. “Nothing dramatic, just... you know, bad news.”

They all nodded, as if they understood.

He knew they didn’t. No one could understand.

After the second week, Hadur sent him back to Amdir. The elf asked him where he had been, wondering if what he had said about dwarves had maybe offended Ori.

“I hope not. After all, one should not be offended by the truth, no matter how hard to hear it is.”

Ori smiled, and didn’t answer. If he answered, he’d be terribly rude, and Amdir would send him away, and that would anger Harud. That was a thing he could afford less than ever. He was stuck there for life.

So he smiled, and that seemed to please the elf, who changed the subject and started their lesson.

 

A month had passed since he had received this cursed letter when one evening, Orodh and two other dwarves came to see Harud, asking if they might borrow Ori.

“We’re trying to find an arrangement with the elves concerning the selling of salt,” explained Dweron, who represented the merchant’s guild in their neighborhoud. “And we’re trying to negotiate... but they won’t speak to us. We’re abominations, and we’re the wrong colour, after all.”

Harud nodded, with long suffering air of someone who had heard that many time before.

“What does it have to do with Ori, though?”

“Well, the elves like him,” Orodh explained. “At least, their nasty little shit of a cook does. So we’ve been thinking, we might use him as a spokesperson of sort. He’s pale enough for that, and he managed to make Amdir say why they wouldn’t sell salt directly to us, so it might work.”

“He did _what_?”

Harud turned to her apprentice, who lowered his head and looked away. He hoped he wouldn’t get in trouble over this. It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time (or more honestly, like the _only_ thing to do) and he hadn’t seen any reason to tell his Master, but maybe he should have. He didn’t exactly have a history of making good decisions after all.

“He found out that it’s not just the skin and the fact we dare to be dwarves,” Orodh announced. “It’s because the bloody Men buy _more_ than salt from them, and so the elves make more money from the tall ones. That’s elves for you: they throw great ideas at your face, but in the end they’re no better than the rest of us.”

“Ori made an elf admit that they did something for money?”

The young dwarf, at last, risked a glance. His Master didn’t sound angry, and she didn’t look it either. If anything, she seemed... impressed.

“It was just luck,” Ori defended himself. “I don’t think I’d ever manage that again. And Amdir’s just a cook, it’d be different with... proper elves.”

That earned him a few sniggers. Amdir wasn’t terribly popular, even if he was a good client. Everyone tried to stay on his good side because because he could get people an order from the elves, who paid well, but when he wasn’t there, no one bothered pretending.

“You wouldn’t actually be in charge of the negotiations,” Dweron assured him. “We would brief you before, and during the meeting if they let us be present. You would just act as our voice, present our offers and conditions, nothing more. You look the way they want people to look, and that’s what we need at the moment. If your Master can spare you here and there, it would help us a great deal.”

“I.. I don’t know,” Ori started, but Harud cut him.

“That salt problem has been going on for decades,” she grumbled, “and it’s more than time something was done about it. If there’s any chance we can buy from the elves instead of the mines, then we should take it. I will not force you, Ori, but if you decide to accept, I will give you time you whenever they will need you, and for as long as it takes to make the tall ones see some sense.”

They all looked at Ori expectantly then, and the young dwarf lowered his head. He didn’t want this. The last time anyone had asked him to do something that important, it had been Balin, wanting him to prove that Jerin stole from the royal treasure, and everyone knew how _that_ had turned out. He had failed, just like he always failed at everything.

“I... I don’t think... I’m not sure I can...”

“They have slaves you know,” Orodh’s third companion said, a dwarf called Khere. “In the salt mines. Many of them are orcs, but there’s dwarves too, some of them children. Most of these _die_ as children. Life isn’t long in the salt mines. This isn’t just about business, it’s about giving us a chance to stop buying from the mines. If we play it well, the elves could be encouraged to raise their production, meaning most of the salt in the city would come from them. They don’t use slaves, or at least they pay them a little, which makes it less bad.”

If that was meant to convince Ori to accept, it didn’t work. The idea of more pressure, more _responsibilities_ terrified him. He was going to fail if he agreed to do this, and they would all be disappointed, and they would hate him and all his hard worked to be accepted by the neighborhoud would be wasted.

“You don’t have to decide right away,” Dweron assured him when Ori didn’t answer. “Take your time, think about it. And be sure that we will reward you if you accept, regardless of the results. Elves are... elvish. It wont’ be your fault if they decide to be idiots. We’ll go now, but think about it, please.”

They left quickly, and as soon as they were gone, Ori ran to his room. If he stayed, Harud might tried to convince him, and that was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want anything, just to be left alone and do nothing of any importance ever again. He wasn’t good at being important. He had tried, he’d been a prince’s fiancé, and lord Balin’s help, and he had completely failed at both. So he hid under a blanket and closed his eyes, hoping that when he’d open them, things would be right, somehow.

Instead, he just fell asleep.

 

When morning came and Ori woke up, he considered for a moment staying in bed. There was nothing out there he felt prepared to deal with, and staying hidden under his blanket until the world ended has a certain appeal. The world, however, had other plans for him, and sent Harud’s youngest son to jump on his bed.

“Mam says it’s late,” he chirped, “and it’s time for breakfast and you are a lazy sod and she’ll eat it all herself if you don’t come. There’s nuts. If you don’t want to get up, can I get them?”

“If you eat them, I’ll tell your mother about that yellow tunic you buried because you didn’t like it,” Ori grunted in answer. “I’ll be up in a second, soon as you stop jumping on me.”

The dwarfling groaned, but jumped down the bed and left him alone... though Ori was sure he’d come back if he didn’t get up soon, and he’d probably have his brother with him.

When Ori arrived in the kitchen, Harud was waiting for him, as well as a large breakfast. Somehow, it reminded him of Dori who always made his favourites biscuits when he had bad news to tell him. It wasn’t a good memory to start the day with, and he instantly found most of his appetite gone.

“Eat,” Harud ordered. “We are going to have a long conversation, you and I, and you’re going to need the energy.”

That _really_ wasn’t a good way to start the day, but Ori obeyed as well as he could. When he couldn’t swallow another mouthful, Harud took everything away and came to sit next to him.

“This is about yesterday, isn’t it?” Ori sighed. “I can’t do it, I just can’t, and I’m sorry, but I can’t, and it’s a very bad idea, and...”

“Yes, I think we all understood you were going to refuse,” she cut him. “What I want to know is _why_. What are your reasons for refusing? I’ve known you for a while, Ori, and I’ve seen you afraid or nervous, but I’ve never known you to refuse to even _try_ something new. Why start now?”

Ori didn’t answer, and looked away.

“May I try to answer my own question then?” Harud suggested. “Something happened about a month ago. You did not speak about it, but I would have had to be blind not to notice. I gave you time and space to get over it, and then I tried to help you get back to normal, but it didn’t work. Now, I don’t know for sure what has happened exactly, but may I risk a guess and say you’ve received a letter from the West?”

Ori nodded.

“I suspected as much. You’ve been fairly happy when you received your other letters though, so there was something different with this one. And I’m going to guess it has something to do with your old lover, the one who had you exiled.”

The young dwarf tensed, and hunched his shoulders. “He didn’t have me exiled,” he protested softly. “I attacked him and I was punished for it. I was in the wrong.”

“I’ve told you already that I have trouble believing that. But it is something about him, then?”

Ori nodded again, and sighed. It looked like she wouldn’t leave him alone until she knew.

“He got married,” he explained. “And his wife is pregnant.”

“So soon? It’s not even been two years! Is it normal for things to go so fast in the West?”

Ori shook his head. It was anything but normal, especially just after Kili had been engaged to someone else, and yet Fili’s letter had implied that no one seemed to mind _that_ , only the fact that they’d had sex before being properly engaged... but they were Kili and Diat. They were pretty, and everyone loved them. It excused a lot, didn’t it?

“My poor boy,” Harud sighed. “That is a pretty hard blow indeed. But you shouldn’t let it affect you that much, and you certainly shouldn’t let it stop you from living your own life. What the merchants want you to do could be a great opportunity for you, and...”

“But I’ll fail!” Ori whined, still staring down as he fought tears. “I fail at everything! They should get someone better, someone who knows what they’re doing, not just... not just someone who they think is... their only choice! Because... because I’ve been someone’s only choice once and... and I don’t want to, never again... I _hate_ being picked just because there’s _no choice_... I hate it so much and...”

He couldn’t contain his tears anymore, and he hated himself for it. He didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want anything, he just wanted to go back to bed and wait for the end of things.

It was a surprise when Harud pulled him to her for a hug, but he didn’t resist. It felt almost like being in his mother’s arms, safe and warm, and it hit him how much he missed her. He had received letters from her each time Fili had written to him, but letters couldn’t hug him and hold him tight, letters couldn’t brush his hair and caress his cheeks, letters didn’t have her laugh and her smile and her warmth, and he _missed_ her.

He missed Dori and Nori too, but more than anything he missed his mother.

He was grateful to Harud though, for holding him like that. She wasn’t Ari, and things weren’t quite right, but it made him feel... better. If he close his eyes hard enough, he could almost pretend he was back at home.

“I won’t ask you to work today, child,” Harud said tenderly, stroking his hair. “But I will tell you this: I think you should accept to help the merchants. They didn’t pick you because you were the only one available. Orodh picked you because you are friendly to everyone, and you’ve never said a bad word against anyone, not even Amdir... and the Maker knows we all mock him as soon as we can. We do, but you don’t. And Dweron picked you because he trusted Orodh’s judgement, because you have managed something no one else had done. If you think you are the only pale dwarf in town, you are wrong. There are other exiles in Gabilbizar, criminals for some, and dwarves whose families fled Khazad Dum, or the dragon of Erebor. You are not the _only_ choice. You are just  _their_ choice.”

Ori sobbed and cling to her more tightly, but he nodded. His Master’s advice had always been good so far, and anyway, when she ordered, he had to obey. He still didn’t like the idea, and he still felt sure he would fail, but he would try at least.

 

Just as she had promised, Harud left Ori alone that day. Once he had managed to calm down a little he had gone back to his room, not sure what to do. He didn’t want to go see Amdir for a lesson, not if he didn’t have to, but just lying on his bed and waiting for the end of everything wasn’t such an appealing prospect anymore.

Since he still felt so much the absence of his mother, he wondered if he should maybe take all her letters and read them again. That immediately reminded him that he still hadn’t answered her, nor Fili, and there was Bilbo’s kind little note too...

But more than anything, he realized he wanted to write to Fili. The prince had seemed to desperate to soften the blow of Kili’s marriage in his letter, trying so hard to find something cheerful to say to compensate... but then, Fili knew what it felt like to see his beloved attached to someone else, of course. All he’d ever had from Ori was friendship, but only after Ori had gone, and even that the prince seemed to think he didn’t really have...

And that decided it, as far as Ori was concerned. It felt a little strange to him how close he felt to Fili, now that they were so far away, but he liked the prince, and couldn’t stand the idea of letting him think he had only used him to get news from Kili, because it wasn’t true. So he grabbed a sheet of paper, a pot of ink and his best quill, and he started writing.

 

“ _My dear Fili_

“ _First of all, thank you for your honesty. I will not lie, I was terribly hurt after learning what you told me. I suppose I still am. It’s not so easy to fall out of love... but I suppose learning this is a step toward it. I am only sorry that you felt I wrote to you only to have news of your brother. It is not the case. I write to you because it makes me feel better, and because your letters bring me great joy. I love hearing from Erebor, and knowing how all our friends are doing._

“ _And that, of course, brings me to the topic of Dori and Balin. I am so happy for them! I wonder if they’ll be married already when this letter reaches you? I hope so. I want you to tell me how everything was! I want to know the sort of cake there was, and how many people came. I want to know if mama cried (she will) and if Nori did too (he will, but he’ll hide it!). I want to know what sort of speech Nori and Dwalin will make and how embarrassing these will be, and if your uncle will manage to relax and have fun for a while (he won't). I wonder how they will dress? I hope Dori will wear lavender, it’s his colour... and even if Balin’s colour is blue, Dori shouldn’t just switch, because lavender suits him better than anything else. Oh, I wish I could be there! You really must tell me everything. Be my spy, once again! Be my eyes and ears, and tell me how it was!_

“ _I’m very happy about Bilbo and Bofur too. Could you tell Nori I was right after all? I don’t get to be right very often, least of all against him... and it’s good for him to be reminded sometimes that he can be wrong. He’ll start thinking he’s the best otherwise (which he is, but that doesn’t mean he should think it!). But really, I’m so glad Bilbo found someone to love... his cute little tunnel seemed like such a lonely place! It won’t be, if Bofur’s in there with him. I don’t think anyone could ever be lonely around Bofur. He just radiates happiness and good humour, and it’s contagious._

“ _I am also glad for Bifur. It’s great that this new life in Erebor allows him to really start again from scratch. He’s such a nice person, I really hope he’ll find happiness._

“ _And how is everyone else? Is Gimli still angry about the library? If yes, I’ll send him a drawing of the axes they have around here, as a consolation gift. They’re very pretty, I think he would like them. I’d send a drawing with this letter, but that would mean sending it later, and I don’t want that. Does Bombur still own every single restaurant in the mountain? How is Oin’s hospice doing? I want to know everything!_

“ _In here, there isn’t much happening. I’ve just discovered that elves might be just as bad as your uncle says... maybe even worse! And yet I might have to work with them... but more on that later, when I know what will really happen. I’m a little scared to jinx it if I say too much now, and we both know I can’t really afford more back luck than I already have._

_I think that’s all I have to say for now. I miss Erebor, and I miss you,_

“ _Your friend,_

“ _Ori._

“ _PS: You asked for a portrait of me, and here it is. That isn’t my best work, it’s a bit rushed sadly... but I so wanted to send this letter today, and I still have to do mama’s, and to copy a few recipes that I’m sending to Dori as a wedding gift, so I hope you won’t mind.”_


	10. elves and orcs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin was right: elves are bloody annoying  
> and Balin and Dori finally got married

Ori had never been particularly close to Thorin, be it before, during or after the quest, but he was starting to feel a great spiritual connection to the King under the Mountain.

Because really, he’d been right all along: elves were a bunch of stuck-up _dicks_.

They didn’t even seem to understand the concept of negotiations; they gave their conditions, waited for the dwarves’ counter-offer, and then gave again their conditions, exactly the same as before, with not even a word changed.

Bloody elves.

And bloody dwarves too, because the merchants’ guild refused to either accept the tall ones’ conditions as they were or to drop the idea of a deal.

Everyone was a stubborn idiot, and Ori was starting to sincerely regret to ever have accepted to get involved in this mess. The worse, of course, was that he couldn’t do anything about it. His job was to look good and smile a lot and repeat what people had said, even though it was entirely useless and it looked like it could go on for decades. He thought of giving up, once or twice, but Harud forbid it, saying it was good for him.

It was such a relief when one day, as he came home from yet another frustrating meeting with the elves, he discovered Karad the crow waiting for him. After more than five months of waiting, he had almost given up on getting an answer, fearing the bird had been killed somewhere.

 

_“My dear Ori,_

_“I am so happy that you would still want to write to me! I apologize if it offended you in any way that I would suspect you to only indulge me to know about my brother, but considering past events, I hope you will admit I had reasons to feel unsure about your friendship. I am sorry to have doubted you, though. You are the most honest dwarf I know, and I should have remembered that._

_"I hope you will forgive me for keeping your raven with me so long, once again! But it was the only way I could tell you about your brother’s wedding, since the raven arrived two weeks too early._

_"And what a wedding it was! You should have seen it, everyone laugh and cried and it was the happiest thing I have seen in a long while. Dori asked Bilbo to help him organize things, because apparently hobbits have better tastes than dwarves when it comes to party (apparently, Nori’s suggestion of “just get a lot of meat and a lot of beer and be done with it” wasn’t what Dori wanted to hear). It doesn’t hurt that both Dori and Balin rather like our burglar of course... and, well. Bilbo does know how to throw a party, that’s a fact. He helped Dori organize the tables, so that no one would be next to someone they don’t like (he muttered something about being quite used to that)._

_"With some help from Bombur, they organized a feast such as Erebor had never seen before. I think not even royal weddings could have had something so glorious. I’ve sent you a copy of the menu, but that doesn’t even begin to tell you what the smells and taste were like... I suspect Bombur took this chance to recreate the party he saw in his dream in Mirkwoods. If that’s the case, I understand better why he wouldn’t leave us alone about it._

_"You will be glad to learn that Dori wore lavender (I assume it was lavender? It was a shade of purple at least), with just a few touches of blue here and there, and sapphires in his hair. He was so handsome that I think half the kingdom fell a little in love with him that day, including myself. But then again, you are a family of impossibly good looking people, and that is most unfair. You should have left some handsomeness for other people. As for Balin, he looked like the great lord he is... I wish I could describe them better, but I’ve never been all that good with clothes. Just know they made a stunning couple, and I think we were all very jealous of them._

_"The party after was just as great as the rest. There was music, and dancing, and singing. Uncle danced with mother, and after a few cups of wine, he danced with Bilbo too (Bofur didn’t like that too much, but he’s the only one our hobbit danced with otherwise. Do you really think they’re courting? You seemed to imply it, and so did Nori, but still... that’s a bit weird, isn’t it?). Dori danced with almost everyone in the company, and Balin and him sang for us a beautiful ballad before they retired. I haven’t been to many weddings, but this one was my favourite one. The only thing missing, the one thing that prevented it from being truly perfect, was your absence. No one actually talked of you for obvious reasons, but Nori’s little speech made a few references to you. Your family clearly wished you had been there, we all felt it..._

_"And now, life is back to normal... with the difference that Balin looks impossibly happy. At the last council, uncle told him it was becoming annoying. Balin answered that he knew, and that it only improved his good mood._

_"But for the rest of us, nothing has changed. Gimli finally forgave me, but... and I hope you will not be angry at me, but I arranged to have a librarian teach him how to handle precious books, so that he might one day get to work on the library... (though that looks less and less likely. Dwalin is very insistent about having Gimli trained as a warrior, because he has a gift, he says. He might become a poetic warrior then?). He will probably be very happy to get a drawing from you, though. Do you know he also remembers that snowball fight you mentioned in a letter? He said it was one of his best memories. It makes me feel very unloved, I must say, that you all enjoy my first defeat as a leader._

_"Oin is starting to train doctors. Or at least, he will as soon as he overcomes his hangover. Someone celebrated that wedding a little harder than a dwarf his age should have (that’ll teach him to try to drink with mother!). I’ve been told he’s negotiating with Thorin to make him agree to negotiate with the elves so that they’ll send us one of their healer to teach us. Uncle isn’t too happy with the idea, but as Oin say, the tall ones remember things that we have lost when we fled first Khazad Dum and then Erebor. I suppose it’s worth a try. Gloin thinks his brother has gone crazy, Gimli said he would disown his uncle, Dwalin refuses to hear about it... but Nori is in favour of it, and so it will happen._

_"I’m starting to see why you want Nori to sometimes be wrong. It’s getting very frustrating, that smile of his. It’s even worse than if he actually said “I told you so”._

_"Everyone else is fine. No news about Bifur’s good friend... but I’m keeping an eye open. I might ask Gimli to help. He’s often with them anyway, so he might as well be of some use. (do not tell him I said that)(Dwalin isn’t lying, Gimli has a gift, and I’m not sure I could take him in a fight)(do not tell him I said that either)._

_"I hope to hear from you soon,_

_"Fili_

_"PS: thank you so much for that portrait of you. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you sent it, and I am glad to see your hair and beard have grown back so well, and that you are as pretty as ever.  
_

 

All his previous grumpiness instantly forgotten, Ori gave a few treats to Karad, read his mother’s letter (which contained far more details about Dori’s clothes and the food, as was to be expected) and started writing his answers.

 

_“Dear Fili,_

_You are lucky I like you, or I would indeed be very cross at you for allowing Gimli back near these books... that, and your letter put me in too good a mood to stay angry (and trust me, I was in a terrible mood just before I got it)_

_I am so happy for Dori and Balin! It’s so wonderful, and I honestly cried a little just thinking about it... Dori has always... he’s always been there for me, caring for me, helping mama any way he could and I know the two of them made such sacrifices to make sure Nori and me didn’t have to worry about anything, and now... Now, Dori finally has the happiness he more than deserves, and he’s married, and I think I’m going to cry again. I wish I could have been there, but even just knowing that it happened, that it’s still happening, makes me happier than I have been in a long time._

_And I’m happy for Bilbo and Bofur too... yes, I do think they are courting. I’m fairly sure I made it clear in my last letter! They might even be more than just courting, if you want my opinion. And why would it be weird? No one chooses who they fall for, we both know that too well, and even if one could choose, Bilbo would be a great choice. He’s not a dwarf, and I suppose some things will be a little difficult for them to work out, but as long as they are happy... (And they do seem happy! the little note Bilbo sent me made it so clear, it radiated joy!)_

_Concerning Oin, good luck to him dealing with elves. He’ll need it. I’m sure they do know a lot about healing people, but I’m not sure it’s worth the time wasted talking to them (of course it is, if it can save people... but they are still such an annoying bunch). I’m glad his hospice is working well, though! And training healers too... It sounds like Erebor really is back on tracks! That must be so wonderful, being witness to all that progress... I remember you saying once you enjoyed seeing it, and I must admit that I did too.  I rather miss that, I miss being part of that..._

_Not that I’m being idle here. I find myself tangled in some business and negotiations with elves. You see, you’re not the only ones to have problems with them. Only, I bet ours are worse than yours. I think if I get called an abomination, and a mistake from Aulë once more, I might just snap... And didn’t Eru Iluvatar say that even if we weren’t part of his great song, he allowed us to live? Weren’t we born out of love, as much as these tall idiots? I swear, they are quicker to insult us than the orcs sometimes! At least, the ones here are. I’m starting to think Thranduil’s folks weren’t quite so bad after all, and I wish I could just drop it all. Only I can’t, because they have salt, and we want salt, and I am apparently the first dwarf they deign to talk to in a while because I look "the way a person should look" (I swear that’s what one elf told me. Having a dark skin, apparently, makes you evil...)_

_It wouldn’t be so bad if I could actually do something about it... but I’m just a messenger, and I have no power... not that I’d know what to do if I had any power. I’m just standing here and being very useless, and it’s all awfully frustrating. The elves know it, and they enjoy it. I think they just like to show us that they’re the ones in power here. I suppose once they feel they have established that, we will be able to start actual negotiations. Maybe I should pretend I’m in awe of them. I’m sure they would like that. I don’t like pretending, but if that’s what it takes to get things moving, I suppose there’s no choice..._

_Oh, look at me, ranting like that! You don’t need to hear about my troubles. You probably have more than your share already, even if you don’t really talk about them... Your letters are always so full of good things and make me smile so much... I’ll try to make mine happier from now on. I want to make you smile too! You’re like your uncle, you don’t smile enough, and that’s not good. You used to smile so much when we were younger, and it suited you._

_I miss that smile of yours,_ _and I miss you_

_Ori_

 

He wrote a letter for his mother too, telling her how is apprenticeship was going, and sending her sketches of some of the things he’d done lately (which wasn’t much, because the elves took so much of his time, really). Since Karad was still there, perched on his window and asking for another fig (her favourite treat) by pecking at his head, Ori decided to accompany her back to the birds’ tower, wondering how long it’d be before he could send another letter.

It was a little strange to walk in the street with such a huge bird perched on his shoulder, and it got him a few strange looks. It also wasn’t very comfortable, because Karad was rather heavy, but he didn’t mind. She seemed to feel it when he got tired anyway, and she flew a little way at such moments, though she always waited for him.

When the Birdmaster saw them arriving like that, he laughed.

“First time I see a raven so friendly with a stranger!” he claimed. “Though I suppose you’re not so much of a stranger. If stone doesn’t work for you, you’ll have to come live here with me. The view is nice, the pay is good, and I’ve got a very comfortable bed, so if you’re interested...”

“Not yet I’m afraid,” Ori laughed. “I’m doing well enough at work... though I guess I wouldn’t mind living here if I could. I like the birds, and Karad’s a big sweetie. When can I get her again, by the way?”

“Same as usual, a week,” the Birdmaster answered. “Unless someone needs her. But you know... if you like her so much... you can come see her even before that. I’d be happy to teach you a thing or two about ravens. Not many people have an interest in them, they all see my birds as just tools... it’s nice to meet a dwarf who sees them as more than that.”

Ori promised he would try.

In the end, he didn’t have the time that week, but after sending his letter, he stayed a little, and later he came back whenever he could. The Birdmaster had a name: Thren, and he let Ori meet his ravens, who were all surprisingly friendly (though Karad was still Ori’s favourite). They talked about birds, Ori sharing everything he knew about the talking thrushes of Erebor, and chatting about food and other silly things, until one day, after such a visit, Ori realized he had made a friend. That thought made him happier than he’d ever have imagined.

 

After a few weeks, at last, Fili’s answer arrived, and Ori read it while Karad treated herself to a bag of dried figs he had bought just for her.

 

“ _My dear Ori_

_I am sorry that elves are causing you problems. But then again, they are elves. They do little else. Still, I talked to Balin, and we wrote you a short essay on how to deal with the tall ones. Looking like you are very impressed by them is, indeed, on top of the list, and... well, you’ll read it and see yourself. By the way, Balin says that he hopes you are well, and he thanks you for your suggestion when he was having troubles with Dori. He also said if he had any problems again, he’d ask you, because Nori and I were completely useless. I have to disagree with this statement. I suggested some excellent biscuits that he gave to Dori after the tea, and your brother apparently loves them, so I think I didn’t do so bad._

_Still on the subject of trouble with elves... Gimli got in a fight with Thranduil’s son. Not a physical one, thank the Maker, but they had a heated argument about who the best warriors are between the two races. It’s bad enough coming from Gimli, who’s sixty-six and should know better, but from an elf prince hundreds of years old... aren’t they supposed to be wiser than us foul creatures? And yet, they never forgive, and they are always mocking us... what point is there to immortality if you never learn?_

_But that’s enough on that. Considering your last letter, I feel elves are a sore subject for you, and I do not wish to further darken your mood. If my letters make you smile, then I must fill them with all the happiness I can find in the mountain and send it to you. Take all the joy I write down, and store it away for a rainy day, or just for a day when you miss us._

_Bifur and his friend started courting, it is official! His friend’s name is Jor, and he used to be a hunter, though he can’t do that anymore with one leg less, so he started working in one of Bombur’s restaurant. He’s very good at preparing meat it seems, and Bombur and him get along terribly well. I have seen them together, and you would have thought they were the ones courting, if not for the looks Jor and Bifur kept sending each other. It’s like they’re family already. They will probably get engaged very soon, and we all doubt that it will be a long engagement... but then again, it might be. Bifur will want Bofur to be there, and he’s gone back to the Shire with Bilbo._

_I still find these two a little strange, to be honest. Bilbo is a very nice person, he is a friend, and we all owe him our lives, but he still isn’t a dwarf... there is a lot about us he cannot learn, cannot understand, not unless Bofur starts telling him things that no stranger should be told... and I do not think Bofur would ever betray our entire kind that way, not even for love. And wouldn’t it strange to be in love with someone from whom you have to hide so many things? But I suppose that as long as they are happy, nothing else matters. And I do think they are happy, very much so._

_But it’s not all wedding and people stupidly in love here. We get some serious business done too. Most of the town is rebuilt now, and many of them mines are open again. We have struck commercial agreements with Dale, and with the elves. Not just those of Mirkwood, but with Elrond’s kin too. He even visited us, with his sons and daughter. I do not have much of a taste for women, least of all for elvish ones, but I understand better her reputation. The lady Arwen is beautiful as a late fall sunset, and she has a wonderful smile, warm and kind. Her father and brothers had all sorts of important matters to discuss, things too important for the likes of me, and the Lady doesn’t have much of a taste for discussions of wars, so it fell to me to entertain her. She is so clever and well learned, I must say I really enjoyed her company. She reminded me a little of you, except I think her sadness has causes other than yours. Still, she too promised to write to me. I will soon have penpals all over Middle-Earth. I wonder if I should try writing to Bilbo too? I’m sure he’d like it. Then I would only need to find a Man to write to, and I would be in contact with all the races of the world._

_I’m afraid I must leave you now. I have to go to uncle’s council, and we will be discussing the security norms for the diamond mines of the East sector. A most appealing prospect, as you can imagine, and yet it has to be done. We’re just starting to reopen those, and we’re not too sure about them... So we have to take all the precautions._

_I will await your answer, and hope Balin and me will have helped a little with the elves_

_Fili_

 

Ori felt a slight pang of jealousy at the idea of Fili writing to anyone else. It was silly, of course, but so far it had rather pleased him that they had this special thing between them. He quickly pushed away the feeling, though. He had no special rights over the prince.

To get rid of that unjustified jealousy he read his mother’s letter (Dori was very happy, and terrifying the merchants’ guild in Erebor. Nori spent far too much time with Dwalin. Ari was spending a lot of time with Dis) and started studying Balin and Fili’s advice concerning elves. Once he was done reading it, he took a sheet of paper, translated it in Khuzdul, and since it was getting late, he decided he would take it to the merchants’ guild the following morning.

That plan was sadly hindered when he was awakened at dawn by Karad, playing on his bed and pecking at his forehead to get his attention. She seemed to have liked being taken home after her last travel, and Ori had a feeling she wouldn’t leave him in peace until he did so again. So he fed her, grabbed something to eat on the way, and left the house.

Thren was already awake when they arrive, in spite of the early hour, but then again he was one of those dwarves who seemed to never sleep at all.

He was also talking with someone.

An orc.

Ori almost turned around as soon as he noticed the creature, but Thren noticed him before and called his name.

“Come here, come here! We were just talking about you, Ori, come here and I’ll introduce you!”

Forcing a smile, the young dwarf walked toward them, keeping his eyes on the ground. He had known for a long while that orcs lived in Gabilbizar, and that they were... _well tolerated_ , if nothing else, but he didn’t trust his ability to talk to one. His past encounters with these creatures hadn’t exactly counted among his best memories. Thren didn’t seem to realize how uncomfortable he was though.

“Ori, let me introduce to you Hara, of the West Lake tribe,” the Birdmaster announced. “Hara, this is my friend Ori, whom I was talking about.”

“Nice to meet you,” Ori mumbled, still staring at the ground.

“So you’re the famous pretty face,” the orc grunted. “I see better why the elves like you. All pale and blond... you almost look _civilized_. Are you a Longbeard or a Firebeard?”

Ori looked up at her in surprise. He hadn’t expected an orc to even know about the tribes’ names. Most Men he’d met in his life thought all dwarves were one big family after all, and elves were hardly better.

“I’m a bit of both,” he answered. “My mother is a Longbeard, but my father had some Firebeard blood.”

“And you are from Erebor, Thren said,” Hara noted. “Took part in that battle they had there a few years back?”

Ori hesitated.

“Yes m’am,” he eventually said, figuring out there was no point in lying. He was starting to get known in town, even just a little, and she might discover it if he lied.

“Killed orcs there, I bet.”

“I my defence, they were trying to kill me too, and I think we didn’t start it this time, m’am.”

To his surprise, the orc laughed. “ _This time_ , pretty face? Are you saying there’s times where your kind started it?”

“There’s got to be,” Ori answered hesitantly. “It’d be a bit hard to believe that we’d just be victims always, that’s just not how we do things, m’am.”

She laughed again, and he dared a look at her. She looked like every orc he had ever seen in his life, tall and large and looking dangerous, with grey skin and little hair, and just looking at her repulsed him... but she was smiling. And not an “ _I am going to torture and kill you_ ” smile. The real sort. A true, proper, “ _you don’t seem so bad_ ” smile. Not sure what else to do, he smiled back.

“Told you he was decent for a Longbeard,” Thren claimed happily. “The ravens like him, it’s a good sign... Karad’s crazy about him. Good sign a few chicks have hatched recently, because soon I’ll have to replace her. Look at her, perched on his shoulder like a pet! M’al, and her almost as big as you, it’s got to be heavy!”

“A little,” Ori admitted, though he didn’t make any movement to chase the bird. “But she’s decided that it was her spot, and I can’t move her from it.”

“I knew dwarves were good at taming birds,” Hara noted flatly, “but this is the first time I see a bird taming a dwarf. I had always heard your kind was too stubborn to make good pets.”

Ori smirked at the joke.

At least, he _hoped_ it was a joke. Orcs sometimes took slaves after all... but Hara’s clan wouldn’t have been allowed in town if they did that, would they? Thren was laughing. It probably was a joke.

“Can you get Karad away please?” Ori asked. “I wanted to get to the merchants’ guild this morning, I have a friend who sent me a few things that might help, with some luck... but I think it’ll take more than luck to make the elves see reason.”

“You dwarves have nothing to offer these old born,” Hara said while Thren tried to get his raven back. “They know that, they’re just having a little fun with you... and they probably enjoy being sent a young, pretty dwarf. You’re a little too _dwarvish_ to really be to their taste, but you are rather fair, they like that...”

The young dwarf blushed, and looked away, but Hara laughed again.

“I’m not trying to seduce you, fear not! But the merchants’ guild aren’t the only ones who would like to deal with the old born, and can’t because of... well, because of being born the wrong race, really. Which hurts, really, because I’m told the elves and us are close cousins, you know.”

Her smile was fully of teeth as she said that, reminding Ori of Azog’s during the Battle, when he’d had Thorin at his mercy, when he had almost killed their king...

Maybe elves had a good reason for not wanting to do business with the orcs, Ori thought.

“Elves sometimes have strange ideas about what should or shouldn’t exist,” he said instead. “It’s a little stupid, and it only brings trouble to everyone, but I suppose there’s not much that can be done about it. Unless you too want me to speak to them in your name?”

It was, of course, a joke, and he started chuckling.

He stopped when he realized the appreciative look on Hara’s face.

He had said a joke, but she was _serious_. She was seriously considering using him the same way the merchant’s guild did. An orc wanted him to work with her, to deal with elves. This wasn’t possible. It was madness. All of his ancestors had to be yelling at him from Mahal’s Halls. All of his family would disown him and he would never be allowed to come back from exile if he ever did such a thing.

He couldn’t do that.

He couldn’t _ever_ do that.

“Well, I’d better go now!” he exclaimed. “They’re waiting for me! It was lovely meeting you! I hope we meet again! See you another time Thren, take care Karad!”

He was a little ashamed of himself as he ran away, but he just couldn’t risk having to work with _orcs_.

 

“You are late, boy!” Dweron grumbled when he arrived. “You should have been here long ago. We have new propositions for the elves, if you are to translate them in their strange language...”

“I’m very sorry!” Ori replied. “I had to go see the ravens, and there was that an orc there...”

“An orc? In the birds’ tower? Did you catch his name?”

“She was called Hara, from the... West Lake, I think.”

“Oh, it’s the season where she start buying things to send home,” one of the guild members noted. “Better start preparing the daggers and the jewelry. I’m sure I can finally get rid of those horrors my nephew’s apprentice is making at the moment. Orcs will buy _anything_.”

“I don’t know, she seemed clever enough,” Ori mumbled, looking at the list of new propositions.

It wouldn’t work. Hara had been right: they had nothing to offer that the elves wanted, or at least nothing they wanted enough to overcome their distaste of dwarves.

“Of course she’s clever,” Dweron snorted. “Her tribe is one of the richest in these parts, and I can’t imagine what it would be if she found a way to trade directly with the elves. She’s forced to use human middlemen at the moment, and they’re the ones who make real money.”

“Oh, so _that_ ’s why she’d want to use me,” Ori mused.

He hadn’t meant to say that aloud. The silence that followed informed him that he _had_. Every single dwarf in the room was staring at him, their expression going from horrified to disgusted, with more than one “just found something better than mithril” faces.

“She didn’t actually say it!” he quickly exclaimed. “It just looked like... I was probably mistaken! It was a joke, just a joke! What sort of an orc would use a dwarf as their spokeperson, really?”

“The clever sort,” Dweron answered with a grin.

Ori groaned. He didn’t like that grin. It was a grin that announced a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fili doesn't have anything against Bilbo and Bofur courting, he likes them both a great deal, it's just a thing that he had never thought could happen (imagine growing up not knowing homosexuality exists, and then suddenly two of your same gender friends are getting married. It's weird, and different from everything you knew existed, but hey, they sure look happy, so who cares)


	11. the end of the apprenticeship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go very well with the elves  
> and Ori gets an unexpected invitation

It took Ori three months to write again, but at least when he did, he felt he had a lot to say for once.

 

“ _My dear, wonderful, brilliant, incredible Fili_

“ _Thank you so much for the advice you sent me, it was incredibly helpful... in dealing with orcs!_

“ _You see, we weren’t the only ones having a problem with elves; the orcs did too. Only, we didn’t have much that the elves wanted (well, they were very interested in some of our alliages, and how we make them, but that just wasn’t something we would give them!), whereas the orcs have plenty of things that the elves wanted (they can prepare the best leather in the world, and they know how to hunt all sorts of animals with beautiful skins and horns, which the elves around here love) but they are, well, orcs. So the elves refused to deal directly with them, and instead, they bought from Men the things they had bought from orcs… meaning the orcs made less money, and the elves paid more than was necessary._

_"What could we do about that?_

_"Well, I couldn’t do much, of course. but the merchants’ guild made some negotiations with the orcs (and that’s where your advice came into play… trade with the orcs is recent here, so they decided to see what would happen if we treated orcs with the careful respect Erebor shows toward elves… and it worked!). The idea was that the dwarves would help the orcs negotiate with the tall ones, in exchange for which the orcs’ deal with the elves would include the fact that the elves had to sell salt directly to us._

_"And that’s how I found myself talking to elves on behalf of orcs. I don’t know what I expected from my life in exile, but certainly not this!_

_"It worked, too, that’s probably the most incredible. It bothers me a bit that the elves finally signed new deals just because they find me prettier than some other people… who cares that Hara’s skin is grey, and she has pointy teeth? An orc she might be, but she’s at least as clever as lord Balin, and the elves are missing something by not talking to her… but it’s working out for everyone in the end, so it’s not so bad (the only ones not too happy with all of this are the Men… they’re going to lose a lot of money… the price of spices is probably going to rise a lot to compensate, but we all think it’s still better that way)_

_"I really am glad this is over, though. It’s exhausting, having to be polite and perfect all the time, and needing to pay attention because the smallest details can change something (especially with elves. They won’t tell you when they don’t like what you’re saying, but they frown a little, or have that smile like you’re an idiot, or say that your idea is fascinating, and then you know there’s a problem… I have to pay attention and then be able to repeat it all to Hara, or the members of the merchants’ guild)._

_"I suppose I understand better why you always looked so guarded when there were people around… you know, I think the only times I’ve ever heard you speak without caring for the consequences are when I was in that cell, and that morning on the East balcony, when you told me to break up with Kili… M’al, I really was awful to you that day, wasn’t I? I’m so sorry for that. You were just trying to help… I am sorry for all the pain I’ve ever caused you, Fili. You didn’t deserve it, not on top of all the rest… and after that little glimpse of what it feels like to be a public figure, I am more sorry than ever that you’ve ever been hurt by me, because you probably had enough problems like that._

_"But I digress! What I was saying is that finally, all of this is over, and I can go back to my quiet little life… sort of. I am a bit of a celebrity at the moment… but it won’t last. Carving isn’t my favourite thing in the world, but at least I’m not required to always smile, even on days where I just want to cry and hide…_

_"Good thing I at least had the support of Thren! He’s the Birdmaster, and I think I can proudly announce that he’s the first real friend I’ve made here! At last! He’s a lot of fun to be around, and it’s wonderful how passionate he is about his ravens. He says they are like children to him, and I believe it easily, because he’s clearly as proud of them as Gloin ever was of Gimli. There are a few chicks in the tower at the moment, and you should see him with them, he is sickeningly cute. But he’s very jealous of me, because Karad likes me better these days. He says he might give her to me, once the chicks are adult and he’s trained one to go West. Wouldn’t I look very queer with a pet like that? But I like the idea… she’s such a big sweetie! She’s even escaped the tower once or twice to come and see me, and I’ve had to take her back there... (will you give her some apple when she’s with you? She loves fruits… she likes meat a whole lot too, and fish. Don’t hesitate to spoil her, she’s a good, hard working sweetheart who deserves it.)_

_“My, isn’t that quite the letter! I hope it makes you smile a little? I still think you need to smile more. And I mean real smiles, ones that come from the heart. I know a lot about fake smiles, and these don’t suit you. Smile, my prince! Be happy! The world is a wonderful place, you are a wonderful person, and you deserve to be happy._

_"I hope to hear from you soon,_

_"Ori_

 

It really was nice, going back to a more normal life. Ori felt like he had forgotten everything Harud had ever taught him, but she didn’t seem to mind too much, and after a few tries, he could once again carve fairly decently. He had control over his life again. He had a friend he went to see whenever he had time, and he no longer was forced to take lessons with Amdir, because he talked to enough people that Harud felt the elf wasn’t necessary anymore. He knew people all over town, and it wasn't unusual at all for people to stop him for a chat... it had even happened with orcs once or twice, and on one occasion, with an elf (but never with Men. _They_ didn't like him too much... not that it was a surprise)

Everything was fine.

Ori, to his surprise, realized one day, a few weeks after the business with the elves, that he was _happy_. It wasn’t the life he had dreamed of when he was younger (it still had far too many elves and orcs in it, and not nearly enough writing and drawing), but it was a _good_ life, and one he _liked_.

He should have known it couldn’t last.

 

One morning, as he prepared to start working on his latest piece, Hadur gave him a letter that had arrived while he was getting dressed.

“You’re wanted in the palace, kid.”

“Which palace?”

“ _The_ palace. Read the letter, kid, I’m sure you’ll get details.”

Ori nodded. The envelope was sealed (how did Harud know its content then? He’d ask later), and the seal was from the royal family, though Ori couldn’t tell more than that without reading. He broke the was, took the letter, and gasped.

“It’s from lord Thelor!”

“Is it now?”

“He wants to _see me_!”

“As I’ve just told you,” Harud pointed out. “I wonder what you’ll wear… one of the tunics you used to see the elves, probably. The purple one, maybe? It’s a good colour on you, and it’s dark enough… if you put something too light, you’ll look like you’re trying to pass for someone important.”

“He doesn’t say why he wants to see me… Why would he want to see me? Did I do something wrong? He said he’d never want to see me again, why change his mind? I’ve done something wrong, it’s the only explanation! I always do something wrong!”

Sensing his rising panic, Harud took the letter from him and put her hands on his shoulder.

“You did nothing wrong,” she assured him. “I am not entirely sure of what he wants with you, but I know you have done nothing wrong, and so do you. So calm down, eat something, change into your nice purple tunic, and I’ll take you underground. Fine?”

Ori nodded, feeling a little less terrified. He still remembered his last meeting with the queen’s brother-in-law though. He would have been more than happy to never see him again. Friend of Nori or not, lord Thelor had not been terribly nice.

At least, he thought as he nibbled on a bit of bread, he was starting to have a lot of experience in dealing with not nice people.

 

Going underground again felt even more impressive this time around. He wasn’t quite as tired and depressed as he had been the first time, and so he noticed even more the colours, the delicate carvings, the daring architecture, the fine clothes of the dwarves around him. He’d had occasions to meet people who were well off in the aboveground city, but they all looked like paupers compared to the dwarves underground.

Harud came with him to the doors of the royal palace, and he felt grateful for it. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have turned around and ran back home without her. She left him at the door, though; lord Thelor had only requested his presence.

“You’ll do fine,” she told him before leaving. “You always do fine, kid.”

Ori tried to smile, but failed, and he mournfully followed a guard inside. The dwarf told him to not touch anything, just as lord Thelor had, three years earlier, and took him to that same office he had already visited.

Thelor was there, looking as severe as ever with his white and gold tunic and his grey hair, and it made Ori feel once more like a terrified exile unsure of his fate.

“Sit,” Thelor ordered once the guard had left, and Ori promptly obeyed. “I am told you have become quite the celebrity, Ori, son of Ari. Taming elves and orcs. Is that true?”

“I-I don’t know about taming, sir,” the young dwarf protested. “I just tried to help, sir. I didn’t even do that much, to be honest. I just… stood there and repeated other people’s words. That’s all I did, really.”

“To the detriment of your apprenticeship, I suppose,” Thelor accused. “Not that it would have made much of a difference. Your master tells me you are a poor excuse of a sculptor, and will never be much good at it, no matter how hard you try. Though she says that you _do_ try hard, at least.”

That felt like a slap, like a punch, like a betrayal, and for a moment Ori was left breathless. Harud had said that? But she had always been so kind to him… true, she had also told him that he wasn’t great at the job, that he’d never be a great master, but there was a difference between making sure he understood his limits and… and telling the dwarf who had arranged for his apprenticeship that he was shit at what he was doing. He had trusted Harud, he had liked her, he had thought she was nice to him and that she liked him…

“I am sorry to hear she was so disappointed in me,” Ori said, smiling as politely as he could. “I thought I was doing my best, but I suppose I will have to try harder in the future.”

“That won’t be needed. You apprenticeship has been terminated. You are no longer Harud’s student.”

It was a good thing Ori was sitting, because he might have collapsed otherwise. Harud had terminated his apprenticeship. It was an even worse shame than being exiled, as far as he was concerned. Exile said that he was a bad person, nothing more. But this? This said he was _worthless_ , not even capable of learning. What was he going to _do_? He still had a lot of gold that his family had given him when he had left Erebor, but he wouldn’t be able to live the rest of his life on that, he’d have to be careful how he spent it, only get what was necessary…

It meant no more letters to Fili, or his family.

It meant trying to take any job that would accept a dwarf who’d been so utterly bad that his master had rejected him.

He wondered if he’d manage to get some work as a scribe… probably not. He could speak Eastron tolerably, but writing it?

“You do not have enough self-confidence,” lord Thelor suddenly told him, as if that had anything to do with… with anything, really. “You will need to work on this. You will also need to learn how to demand respect, and how to defend yourself. Being consilient worked well enough so far, but you will very soon reach a point where just smiling at every insult will no longer work.”

“I… I’m not sure I understand, sir?” Ori mumbled.

The older dwarf, to his surprise, almost _smiled_.

“Tell me, Ori son of Ari, do you know who I am, and what I do?”

Ori hesitated, feeling very unsure of what was happening. Thelor didn’t seem angry, and considering the way he had declared he wouldn’t help Ori should the young dwarf get in trouble with his master, it meant that things weren’t so bad, maybe. After all, Harud had told him before leaving that he had done nothing wrong… and she must have known that Ori would learn he no longer was her apprentice.

And concerning Thelor, _everyone_ knew who he was and what he did.

“You… you are lord Thelor, brother to the queen’s husband, and spymaster of her kingdom.”

Everyone knew that, of course.

But Thelor’s smirk meant it probably wasn’t the answer he had expected.

“I am actually _in charge of the communication within the city_ , both under and above ground,” he corrected. “It means the same thing, but the name gives it a different sort of power. You will need to learn that, too. Your honesty is a good thing, but you will need to learn when to be honest, and when to give people the only reality they deserve to hear.”

“I am not sure I understand, sir.”

“Really? It is simple enough. You arrived here three years ago, looking like an ugly, pitiful little rat, and your brother’s letter introduced you as shy, ill at ease around people, and lacking ambition of any sort. Having you before me confirmed what he said. I did what I thought best, and sent you to someone who might have use of a child of your disposition. Do you understand so far?”

“Yes, sir,” Ori answered. _I was there for_ that _part, of course I understand that_ , he didn’t add.

“Harud has kept me regularly informed of your progress. At first, her observations confirmed my own, and your brother’s, though she soon noted that you had a certain talent in behaving the way others expected you to, most notably when she made you sit with her while negotiating with potential clients. She also informed me that, on her advice, you had started being more forward toward people, and had reached a certain popularity in your neighbourhood.”

“I… I wouldn’t call it popularity, sir.”

“You certainly wouldn’t,” Thelor agreed. “It is a good thing I do not care for your opinion on this matter. Harud, however, is a reliable informant. She told me when you were first approached by the merchants to make a deal with the elves… I have to say, that was a surprise, and I am not a dwarf easily surprised. I however expected that these negotiations would lead nowhere, and I was right. Until you brought the orcs into the equation. And not just any orc: Hara of the West Lake. Her father fought at Azanulbizar, and some of her cousins fell at your Battle of the Five Armies. She has more reasons than most to dislike Longbeards, and yet she took a liking to you.”

“I’m not sure I’d go that far, sir,” Ori protested. “She thinks I’m useful, but that’s it, really. I don’t think she likes me.”

The older dwarf glared at him. “I think I mentioned something about your opinion, and my lack of interest in it. You will be silent until I invite you to talk. Is that clear?”

Ori quickly nodded, and looked down. He had heard stories about lord Thelor. He often specialized in making people talk, so when he gave you a chance to be silent and safe, you took it. Apparently pleased with his obedience, the older dwarf resumed.

“Because of you, the aboveground merchants’ guild and the West Lake tribe struck an arrangement to work together about the elves. Because of you, the elves agreed to change their habits, and to work with two races they openly despise. All of this because you have a pretty enough face, a few good smiles, and a certain instinct when it comes to pleasing people. You, a mere little exiled scribe without education or personal interests in these events, have accomplished the impossible, thus surprising me for the second time. I do not like surprises, master Ori. I lead a life where surprises are bad news, and I avoid them whenever possible. So I will ask you, master Ori: do you think you are going to surprise me again?”

“I didn’t even want to do it this time around, sir,” Ori quickly answered. “I was just trying to… to build a network, like master Harud said I should, and then this happened, and I don’t know how, but I swear I won’t do it again. I… I’ll probably leave town anyway now, I guess?”

“Leave town? Why would you do that?”

“No reason to stay, sir. You’ve said Harud no longer wanted me as an apprentice, and I’ve been a bother to you, so it wouldn’t be very wise of me to stay, sir.”

Thelor sneered at him, looking vaguely amused. “And where will you go? You are without resources, without family, without friends, in a country which language you barely speak. You have nowhere to go. If you step out of Gabilbizar, you will die.”

Ori almost panicked then, but something in the lord’s voice wasn’t… quite right. His words sounded like the statement of a fact, rather than a promise. That wasn’t how you threatened people, he’d learned a bit about that from Nori, and Thelor looked rather… expectant. As if he were waiting to see Ori’s next reaction. As if he _wanted_ to be surprised, in spite of what he had just said.

“I’m not sure I want to die,” Ori said carefully, smiling as politely as he could manage. “I have avoided it rather well so far, I’d like to continue. I am not sure what else I could do, though. I would ask your opinion, but you made it clear you would not be helping me again.”

It was the right thing to say, because for half a second, Thelor smiled. At least, Ori thought he had smiled. It had been over too quickly to be sure.

“I have recently lost my secretary,” Thelor announced. “He was adopted into a noble family, as tend to happen to my secretaries. I don’t usually offer that job to strangers, let alone criminals, and it is more usual for me to take people who have intrigued to have this job. That is of course my problem. People have grown to expect me to do this. I do not love surprises when I am the one having them, but surprising others is a different matter. Which is why you are from now on my new secretary. Your belongings are currently being transferred into the palace. We have an appointment scheduled this afternoon to have you properly dressed. I imagine Harud sent you here in your best tunic. This will not impress anyone underground. And we will have to do something about your hair and beard. Being glad it has grown back to a tolerable length does not excuse letting it go wild.”

Ori just stared at him, unsure what to say.

It had to be some sort of a joke, hadn’t it? Lord Thelor was the Queen’s Spymaster, her shadow, her eyes and ears, her dagger. He was dangerous and powerful and fearsome, whereas Ori was… well. He was _Ori_. The whole thing with the elves and the orcs had only worked because he was nice and smiled a lot and sort of looked like a good kid, which he had always tried to be. No one could have been more different from lord Thelor than him, and he didn’t even want that job. He had tried dealing with important people, and it had backfired badly. His place was at the bottom of things, where he wouldn’t disturb anyone, and people wouldn’t pay attention to him, because when people started paying attention to him it only ever brought bad things.

He told this, and a lot more, to the lord in before him, and Thelor listened it all, smiling openly, until Ori ran out of arguments against what he thought this was a terrible idea.

It took him a while.

He had a lot of arguments.

But when he was done, Thelor just rose from his seat, still smiling.

“As I have mentioned before, your opinion is of no interest to me,” he announced. “Come with me. I will show you your new quarters. We will then eat, before starting working on your appearance.”

“But I don’t want to! You can’t make me.”

“You have many things to learn, master Ori,” the older dwarf replied, walking toward the door. “The first of these is that no matter what is being discussed, I _can_ do it. Now follow me.”

Ori thought of protesting again, of arguing, of running away even. Thelor was older than him, and too dignified to run after him, it would be so easy to get away, and then he’d just…

He would nothing, because everything he had was in the Spymaster’s hands, and no one would help him against such a dwarf, not even Harud or Thren, and especially not if he told them he had been offered a place that some dwarves would have killed to have.

He was trapped.

So he followed Thelor, and hoped things would turn out fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I got lazy with the "deal with the elves" subplot. Sorry? D: politics and business are just things I don't understand very well and I have trouble writing about that, and i'm fairly sure reading about the negotiations would have been boring...  
> and that way, things move faster, which is good because I'm a very lazy writer uwu


	12. the royal baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A child is born in the royal family of Erebor

Ori had been living as Thelor’s secretary for a couple weeks already by the time Fili’s next letter arrived. He was just starting to get used to this new life that, once again, he had not chosen. Thelor wasn’t so bad to be around, and Ori was even starting to suspect him of having a sense of humour, however twisted and cruel. Still, working for him wasn’t was the young dwarf wanted, and some days were hard, making him want to crawl into his bed and disappear into it. The palace was nothing but intrigues and betrayals, friendships and alliances, old feuds and new rivalry, and he was forced to learn an memorize all of that at once.

Getting news from Fili felt like a ray of sunshine.

 

_"My dearest Ori,_

_"I am so glad your business with the elves went well! I am a little uncertain how I feel about the involvement of orcs in it, and I certainly did not tell Balin that you compared an orc to him, but you seem happy with the way things are, and nothing else matters._

_"My dear Ori, you tell me I should smile more, but I have barely done anything else in weeks! I hope speaking of this will not make you sad, but I just cannot keep it to myself… I am an uncle!_

_"Oh, you should see my little niece! She is the sweetest, loveliest dwarfling that ever was. Her name is Kit, and she has black hair, and eyes of the most beautiful shade of blue. There has never been a most perfect baby in the world, and when she smiles at me, or even just looks at me, I feel like my heart might explode. She is my lovely, sweet little princess, my niece, my heir, and though she is but a couple weeks old, I already love her more than anything in the world._

_"Everyone laughs at me and says that I look prouder of her than her own father, and mother teases me by saying that Thorin wasn’t half as stupid about me when I was born… but she is my niece! What am I supposed to feel, if not joy and pride? I see her, and I want her to be happy. I want to be the best uncle the world has ever known. And not just because she will one day be my heir and follow me on the throne! That’s what Thorin thinks, that I’m just already interested in the future of the one who will reign after me… but he would think that, wouldn’t he? He was an uncle to Kili, and a stern teacher to me._

_"I won’t be like that to Kit, trust me. She will know when I’m proud of her, and I will encourage her… she will be happy, Ori! I remember too well what it is like to grow up with the threat of a crown, and I will make sure she gets to just be a silly child too. I will not be Thorin. I will love her, and let her know how loved she is._

_"Oh, I could just speak of her for pages and pages, but I am apparently annoying when I do that, and Gimli says I end up repeating myself. So I will give you news of everyone instead._

_"Oin has started teaching medicine, with the help of an elf. They spend their every moment of freedom bickering, but in front of their students, they are like one mind, with never a disagreement. I’m told they have incredible debates about the uses of some plants, and the difference in how elves and dwarves reacts to them. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they are becoming friends!_

_"Bifur and Jor are now engaged, and waiting for Bofur and Bilbo to come back from the Shire to get married. I think by my next letter, that should be done. Speaking of which, Dori and Balin continue to be disgustingly happy. Nori and Dwalin complain a lot about it, saying that people their age shouldn’t look so in love, but I don’t think either of them really minds (by the way, I am not seeing anything concerning Nori and Dwalin… but Nori doesn’t flirt quite as much as he used to, and I’ve heard that Dwalin refused a courting offer from a terribly pretty dwarrowdam… so you might be right!)(as you always are)._

_"Gimli and his father keep arguing these days, because my young cousin doesn’t want to choose a single trade. He says he loves fighting a lot, but he enjoys books and his time spent with his uncle just as much, and so he doesn’t see why he should be defined by just one of his traits. Gloin tried to get mother to help him, but her answer was “he’s your damn son, I’ve got enough to do with the two idiots Mahal gave me, I’m not taking care of yours too”. I wonder if I should feel offended by that. I take care of myself tolerably well these days, and I almost never come to her to beg for her help when I have to dress for an official occasion!_

_"(that’s a lie)_

_"(I run to her every single time. Dressing appropriately is hard!)_

_"Not much else to say, I am afraid. I haven’t paid much attention to anything since Kit’s birth. I am spending every moment I can with her, and she is the only thing on my mind. Just seeing her makes me so happy, and the only way I could be happier than this would be if you weren’t on the other side of the world._

_"I miss you,_

_"Fili_

_"PS: I am sorry I talked so much about Kit. If you’d prefer I didn’t, just tell me and you won’t hear another word about her from me._

_"PPS: I am glad that you have made a friend at last! He seems like a nice person, and anyone who has a part in your writing to me, however indirectly, has all my affection._

 

"Dear Fili,

"First of all: congratulation on your niece! Please, do feel free to tell me about her! She seems to make you so happy, and there is nothing I want more in the world than to know you are happy. And anyway, even if her parents treated me badly, she’s never done a single thing to me… and she never will, I suppose. So do write about her! I want to know what a silly, doting uncle you are to her, and what a lovely dwarfling she is. Tell me everything! I certainly need something sweet and innocent to cheer me up, and this will do perfectly.

"Things have changed a lot for me since my last letter. Do you remember how happy I was to go back to my simple little life, and how I hoped to never again have to do anything of any importance? Well, that’s a wish that was short lived. I am starting to believe that Mahal likes to toy with me.

"Lord Thelor, who is the most important person in Gabilbizar after the Queen (and who happens to be her brother-in-law), and the most dangerous one too, has decided that I would work for him, and be his secretary. I have no idea why. He says it’s because no one would have expected that… but I don’t think I’m qualified at all! There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wanted to run away… but you can’t run away from someone like Thelor, so I haven’t even tried. I know better than that.

"It’s not all so bad, of course. I got nice clothes, and someone showed me how to nicely braid my hair… and I don’t look too bad like this. Kili used to say I’d be pretty if I made some efforts, and I think he was right. I’m rather pretty, if I say so myself. Which is the point of it, apparently. My main use is to stand behnd lord Thelor, take notes of everything important, and look so pretty that people will be distracted and forget that they should be careful around Thelor. That’s it, that’s my life these days.

"Well, I am also learning about all the great families in town, and the main political figures both underground and aboveground (Hara is a much more important orc than I had ever realized! She is their spokeperson when they have to deal with the Queen! I have exchanged troll jokes with someone who regularly speaks with the Queen!). There’s a lot to memorize… lord Thelor forbids me to speak in public for the moment, until he can be sure I will not make mistakes. So mostly, I just observe a lot, and write things down… I sort of enjoy it, it’s like I’m back to being a scribe… just, the pressure is a lot more important. It think I understand how things are for you a little better now… After some of the things I’ve heard here, I realize that you really had no choice when you didn’t denounce Kili for the things he did.

"Isn’t it strange that I had to go so far to start knowing you better? I wish I had been less stupid when I was young, and less impressed by Kili’s more… exuberant personality. Things might have been different if I had paid more attention to you.

"On the bright side of things, I live a lot closer to the birds’ tower now, so it’s easier to go see Thren! He’s a lot of fun to be around, and a great example to me, because he’s so positive, even though life wasn’t kind to him. He’s told me recently that he’d been married a few years ago, but his husband died. He was a guard, and a tavern fight turned bad… so now, Thren just lives with his birds. He says it’s not so bad, and the ravens are good company, and he’s got me to chat with now. I can’t come as often as I’d like, but there’s not a week when I don’t see him, and it’s rare for me not to go up there for more than two days.

"I think that’s all the news I’ve go for you… at least, that’s all I’m allowed to say. M’al, there’s so much secrets to be kept when you live with nobility! I never realized.

"I miss you, and I hope that you and little Kit are well

"Ori.

 

_"Dear Ori_

_"Your life never gets boring, does it? I know you didn’t ask for any of it, but really, this is the stuff of great stories! Look at you, starting as a resourceless exile, and now you work for a queen’s brother! May I say I’m not surprised? You are the most brilliant dwarf I know, and it’s just a shame no one in Erebor saw it… (well, Balin did! He often says you had a bright future ahead of you… and he was right, because look at you now!)_

_"They are lucky to have you in the East, and I hope that lord Thelor treats you well. If he doesn’t, tell me, and I’ll tell Nori, and I’m sure he’ll do something about it. I am starting to think nothing is impossible to him. He has stopped several assassination attempts recently, one of which was against Kit. Someone tried to kill her, Ori. Someone saw that lovely, charming baby, and thought her as enough of a threat to want to kill her! What sort of a person does this? Kili doesn’t seem to take it too seriously. He said… he said they’d just have to make another one. Diat was a lot more shaken though. She’s not the mother of the century, but she still cares about her daughter… Kili doesn’t care, because as she’ll be my heir, he think she’s my problem, not his._

_"And, well, why shouldn’t she be? I’ve been thinking… I’ve hinted to mother that maybe it would be good if I were more present in Kit’s life… Not until she’s weaned but maybe later… If she’s going to be my heir anyway, why shouldn’t I call her my daughter? I could make a good enough father, and I love her terribly. What do you think? I’m asking for your sincere opinion. Do you think I should offer to officially adopt Kit? It’d be easier to protect her, and to raise her, and to just make sure she is loved. Diat tries to be a good mother, because she’s been raised to be one, but it’s clear motherhood doesn’t appeal to her, and Kili… well. He’s not bad with her so far, but I am terrified of what will happen if he gets tired of her. I want to protect her, Ori. I couldn’t protect you, but I can still protect her._

_"Well, that’s not a very cheerful letter… I’m sorry for this. I’m still under the shock of what happened, even if a month has passed… I don’t understand how anyone could want to hurt a baby… but then again, there’s time when I’m not sure how anyone can hurt anyone. We’re all dwarves, for Mahal’s sake! Don’t we have enough enemies without trying to kill each other? It doesn’t always go as far as actual assassination attempts of course, but you should see the disputes and fights during council sessions, and over such petty things… All of it is so pointless, but I have to smile and listen and pretend it’s important, and help find an agreement that satisfies everyone…_

_"Some days, I want to run away. I miss Ered Luin, I miss the freedom I had there, small as it was. I miss things being easy. I miss being just me. Maybe I should leave. Grab Kit, and run away East and come live with you. Would you take us in? We could make a nice family, the three of us. I would take good care of the two of you. I cook fairly well, and I used to help with the chores at home. I’m a good enough smith, I could bring in some money too. Maybe the three of us could be happy like this. At least, it’s a thing I daydream about some days, when everything becomes more than I can handle. I know I could never do that, though. I’ve been taught too well to respect my duties. In this at least, Thorin did a good job with me._

_"Still, I want to end this letter with some good news. Bilbo and Bofur arrived from the Shire some time ago, and a week after, Bifur and Jor got married. They look very happy. Bombur’s wife is pregnant. It will be their fifth child, but Bombur is so excited and worried about her, you’d think it’s the first one. Oin and his elf friend still bicker and teach. Gloin is buying books for the library, with his wife’s help. She’s the one Gimli took his love of words and beauty from. Speaking of Gimli, he still refuses to pick a trade for himself. Instead, he spends his time arguing with prince Legolas, whenever the elf is around. They look like they’re having a lot of fun. Mother thinks I work too much, and that I should take a lover. I dare not explain to her why that will never happen. Thankfully, Thorin understands, since he knows, and for once, he helps… by saying it would only distract me from my work, and that I don’t need an excuse to be less serious. I tell myself it’s how he shows he cares. I wish he cared less._

_"Sorry that this letter isn’t… better. I can’t manage anything else at the moment._

_"I miss you_

_"Fili_

 

"Dearest Fili,

"I wish I could be with you, and try to make you feel better! What I wouldn’t give to be by your side and take you in my arms, to hug you and hold you tight until all that sadness goes away! That’s what mama and Dori used to do for me when I got too sad, and I would do it for you without hesitation.

"Just as I would welcome you here if you did run away. You and Kit both! I agree, I think we’d make a lovely family. There’s plenty of room where I live, and lord Thelor pays me generously, so I’d take good care of you. You’d be free to make whatever you want in the forge, or to just play with Kit all day long. From time to time, we’d invite the royal children to play with her. The youngest aren’t ten yet. They are twins, a boy and a girl, the Queen had them from her second marriage (to lord Thelor’s brother). They are very sweet, and once Kit is old enough, I’m sure they’d be great playmates.

"Come, Fili! Take your niece, and come here. The more I think about it, the more I like it. I would love to talk to you, really talk. I don’t think we have ever really talked before, and writing feels so frustrating sometimes. I wish I had you here. We could chat about all sorts of things, discuss who’s dating whom (I’d teach you to see the signs!) and complain about lords who think too highly of themselves (we have them here too. It’s a lot of fun to see how lord Thelor plays with them). I’d help you cook, and you would tell me about your day at the forge, and I’d… not tell you much about mine because I’m not allowed, but just listening to you would be so nice… and then we sit in front of the fire and eat, Kit between us, and we’d tell her stories of all the stupid things we did when we were young (but not the most stupid ones. Not the pear cart one. Never that one!)

"I wish that could happen. Is it possible to miss a thing that has never been real? Because some days, I miss the time I didn’t have with you. I wish we had been friends in Ered Luin, and in Erebor. I wish… is it terribly bad of me to say I wish you hadn’t decided to wait, back when you wanted to court me? Some days I wonder what it would have been like, if you had asked me first. Some days I wish go back in time, knowing what I know now, and make better decisions. If nothing else, we could have been friends much earlier, and I would have loved that. You are one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t know what I would have done without your letters.

"It’s a little lonely here. I have Thren, and I still visit Harud sometimes, but I still get lonely. In the middle of all the important people I meet and work with, I feel alone. Thelor is starting to trust me with more things, he often sends me to talk to other people’s secretaries or servants… more like spying really. People know it, but they still talk to me… sometimes they lie, and sometimes they forget, and they tell me the truth. According to Thelor, I just have a face that people want to trust. Thren once said I looked sweet and innocent. Thelor says I look clueless and stupid, but his tone of voice sort of seemed to imply that I wasn’t really. Not too much at least.  I try my best to make myself of use, but I still don’t understand why he picked me. He has a small army of people working for him, spying for him, and most of them would kill to get my job… and they would deserve it, too. They know the city better than I do, they know the job better than I do… so they’re not very fond of me.

"But I don’t really care. I have too much to do to worry about people liking me… it’s getting hard to even find time to visit Thren, to be honest. Things are happening around here, and they’re not good things… but I can’t say more in a letter, it’s too risky. I fear you will hear about it soon enough anyway. The East is touched first, but if Thelor is right… all of Middle Earth will be touched. I won’t say more. Stay safe, my prince, and keep your little princess safe too. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s better if you don’t come after all. I’d rather be lonely without you than have you travel in such troubled times. So stay safe, and endure. Soon, even the lords of Erebor might be reminded that they have enemies greater than their second cousins…

"Stay safe

"I miss you

"Ori

"PS: You would make a wonderful father. Adopt that little princess if they let you! It’s clear from the way you speak about her that you love her dearly, and what else could matter? Tell Kili and Diat that it’ll allow them to have fun again, remind Dis and Thorin of what your brother can do to people he is meant to love… ask Nori to help you convince them, ask everyone! Do what you have to do to make both you and that baby happy!

 

_"Dear, dear Ori,_

_"your last letter was both a delight and a torture_

_"How easy it was to picture a life for the three of us! How nice it would be to have the two persons I love the most, so close to myself… What I wouldn’t give for that! I want nothing more than this, to be with you in any way I can…_

_"You are not the only one to regret the decision of your youth. I wish I could have stopped Kili, I wish I could have shown you then that he did not care for you the way he should have… But I do not think even knowing what I know, I would offer myself to you before Kili. You were so young! I feel guilty for the way I already wanted you then, but I tell myself that while my desires were wrong, at least I had the good sense of waiting, of being prepared to wait until you could make a real decision… and I would have waited, I swear it on my honour. I suppose it’s all I ever did: waiting for you to be ready. I waited for you to be old enough, I waited for you to see you deserved better than Kili, and now I am waiting for you to come back…_

_"Am I allowed to talk to you that way? Please, tell me if it is a problem. But your letter, and the way you wrote in it gave me hope… I realize that you probably only meant to offer your friendship, and that I am reading too much into it. I can’t help it. I love you as much as I ever did, maybe even more. You never spoke to me like this before, you never spoke to me at all if you could help it, and everything new I learn about you makes me love you more._

_"If your fantasy of our life in Gabilbizar only involved our friendship, tell me and I will never again say a word about it. But if I have any reason to hope… I do not care that you are so far away, Ori. Just knowing that you like me would make me happy. I can live without touching you and kissing you, as these are things I have never had anyway, and I would not miss them. But living with your affection… I don’t think I could ever be sad again._

_"Do not get me wrong, though: even having your friendship is more than I ever dared to have, so if you do not share my love, do not be afraid to tell me. I am a grown dwarf, and I can accept the truth._

_"In other news, I have mentioned to mother that I wished to formally adopt Kit. She was reluctant at first, but I followed your advice, and reminded her of how Kili had acted in the past, and all of a sudden, she was more than willing to help. I think she is mostly worried about what it would be like to allow a princess raised by Kili and Diat on the throne of Erebor. We have enough of a reputation for madness as it is. We have talked about it to uncle. He thinks we should have more faith in Kili, and that it would only distract me from my duties… But that only made mother more determined to let me have things the way I want. Uncle… has always had a soft spot for Kili. We will convince him, though. I have mentioned the idea to Diat. She isn’t thrilled, but she agrees that it would make things easier for everyone. I think I can count on her to help us convince Thorin and Kili._

_"And now, news from everyone: Bombur’s wife might be expecting twins! Bifur has opened a toy shop, and he took Bombur’s oldest son as his apprentice. The boy has a good head for it, and he helps Bifur with the money (apparently, numbers have been a problem for him since the… accident, and Jor is busy at the restaurant so this works best for everyone). Dori is terrorizing the merchants’ guild, and forcing them to accept any deal that is good for Erebor (why did we let him marry Balin? They make a terrifying team! And sometimes Nori helps them, and he is scary too! I am surrounded by terrifying people! Good thing they’re on my side). Gimli is dangerously close to become friend with prince Legolas. They argue as much as ever, but they laugh as they do so… This is highly suspicious, don’t you think? You are the specialist for these things, what's your opinion?_

_"Oh, speaking of elves, I have received a letter from the lady Arwen! Bofur and Bilbo are staying at Rivendell. Our hobbits is composing poetry and songs for them, and Bofur provides the music to go with them… they are apparently highly popular with the elves. The lady Arwen says that they had never heard anything quite like it (and she insisted that she meant that in a good way)_

_"I think that’s all the news I have to give you for now, my dear Ori_

_"I anxiously await your answer_

_"I miss you_

_"Fili_

 

Dear Fili,

I have started that letter dozens of times. I am just terrible at these things. I suppose it would be easier if you were not so dear to me. But you have always been frank to me, and so I shall be honest with you.

I have told you about my friend Thren. He is, after my family and you, the person I like best in the world. And he has asked me to become his lover, which I have accepted.

There is no love between me and him. He doesn’t think he has it in him to feel that sort of passion again, not after losing his husband, his One, but he is lonely sometimes… and so am I. That’s all there is to it.

I am so sorry to have such news to give you. Even before your letter, I feared that your feelings were unchanged, and now you have confirmed it.

I do not know what I feel for you, Fili, and I am not sure I want to know. You might be content with just knowing that you are loved, but I am not sure I could do that. I need someone by my side, someone to laugh with me and smile at me, someone to touch and kiss me… and even if I did love you, we would never have that, would we? I can never go home. I will never see you again. So I do not even want to think about… it hurts too much to just consider it, Fili.

Sorry, sorry, sorry and sorry again. I keep hurting you, don’t I? But I can’t do this, Fili. Just thinking about it hurts so much… I am so sorry. I did not lie when I said I wanted to see you happy, and maybe, if things had been different… but they are what they are. I will never be with you and Kit before a fire, and it hurts to know that. But… things are what they are so… please, find someone better, someone who is actually there, someone clever enough to see how wonderful you are.

Please don’t be angry at me

Please, still be my friend

I miss you terribly

Ori

 

When Karad came back, four months later as usual, she carried no answer.


	13. Lord Thelor's visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lord Thelor prepares to the arrival of an important guest, and Ori helps.

Ori didn’t often stay the night with Thren, but when he did, the other dwarf was usually up long before him to take care of his birds. It was often Karad who wake him up, pecking gently as whichever part of him she could get to until he would get up and feed her.

Thren had tried to give Karad to him as a courting gift, when they had just started being more than friends, but Ori had refused. It was one thing to share affection and closeness, but it was quite another to pretend this was more than a way to fight loneliness.

“I’ve been with someone who felt he had to pretend to love me once already,” he had explained. “I’d rather not do it again. I do enough pretending when I’m with lord Thelor, so when I’m with you, I need to know what’s real and what’s not.”

Thren had never tried to speak of courtship again, and he had relaxed a great deal after that, as if the perspective of pretending had worried him too. He still gave Karad to Ori, though, but out of sheer friendship, and because she just refused to stay in the tower anyway. Ori’s room in the palace had a window on the side of the mountain (just like lord Thelor’s did) and Karad had made herself at home there after discovering it. Ori didn’t mind. It was nice to come home after a day of work and to find a bird peacefully sleeping on his bed. She was sometimes a little cross that she didn’t get to travel these days, but as long as there were figs, she could get over it.

And figs were indeed a heavy part of her breakfast that day, as well as a healthy dose of meat (mostly rat, since Thren had an arrangement with a couple dwarves who did pest control). The figs Ori handed her himself, but for the rest she had to join to crowd of Thren’s ravens, since he was still feeding them.

“Hello there,” Thren greeted him cheerfully. “How are you doing today? You look grumpy, if I may say so.”

“Karad woke me up.”

“What’s new in that?” 

“I was having a dream.”

“And she interrupted it, naughty girl that she is? Was it a good or a bad one?”

“It was about Fili.”

“Ah.”

And that was it. They had an unspoken rule between them. Ori didn’t ask questions about Thren’s late husband, and Thren didn’t ask about Fili… though they were both willing to listen when the other had something to say. Thren liked talking about his One sometimes, and what a wonderful dwarf he had been. Ori didn’t speak at all about his prince, not since the day Karad had come back to him without a letter, more than a year before. But anyway, it was different, he told himself. Thren had been in love, whereas he… he didn’t want to know what he had felt for Fili, what he might still be feeling.

Maybe it was better that way, really. He was never going back to Erebor, so maybe it was better if he didn’t cling to that. He would never see his family again, and he would never see Fili again, and maybe it was a good thing after all that no letters were exchanged anymore. It would force everyone to move on, including himself.

And he just didn’t feel he could deal with the idea of Fili _moving on_ , of him finding someone less complicated to love than Ori. He had no rights over him, and he didn’t _love_ him because it would have been so stupid of him to love someone he would never see or touch, but the idea of Fili loving someone else still hurt.

It would pass, though. Everything passed, sooner or later.

It had been more than a year since he’d last heard from his prince and he missed Fili’s letters and re-read them almost every day, but it would pass.

“You look far too grim and thoughtful for such an early hour,” Thren noted. “If you keep that up, you’ll really end up looking like old Thelor.”

That got a snigger from Ori.

“I’m too good looking for that.”

“So was the old dwarf, until his face froze in a perpetual frown,” Thren cheerfully retorted. “Come on, I’m done feeding the birds, time to feed _you_ a little too.”

Ori smiled, and readily agreed.

He didn’t stay long after having eaten. It was still early, but lord Thelor didn’t sleep much (if at all) and he liked to give his instructions for the day while he had his own breakfast.

That day was not any different.

“You are late,” Thelor noted when he came in, not even raising his eyes from what he was reading.

“I am not, sir. I told you I would spend the night with Thren, and this is the time I always arrive when I do that.”

The lord frowned, as he always did when Ori mentioned the Birdmaster. Thelor was the sort of dwarf who didn’t think people should take lovers. Or so his young secretary had come to believe, because Thelor often met Thren to send secret letters all over the place, and they seemed to have no personal quarrels, other than the fact that the Birdmaster took too much of Ori’s time (never more than a night a week, if even that. Last night had been the first time in nearly a month, because Ori had been busy trying to figure out how many elves were leaving town with the next caravan, and how many of the ones at the interior sea were going away. First time in _weeks_ , but it was too much anyway)

“You spend too much time with him,” Thelor accused, confirming Ori’s thoughts. “You do not even need him anymore. When was the last time you wrote West?”

“That is not information that you need to know, sir.”

“That’s for me to decide. Beside, you know better than to try to hide things from me. But you don’t look in the mood for that sort of games. _This_ is why you shouldn’t spend time with him. I took you in for your irrational good humour, and you are losing it. I do not pretend to mind your personal business, but...”

“If you don’t pretend to, then don’t do it,” Ori replied with his sweetest smile.

He was _not_ in the mood for that game they played sometimes, where Thelor tries to push his buttons to see how politely he could take it. It was a day where he’d woken up thinking of Fili. He’d spend the day fighting the urge to write to his prince. He was not in the mood for his employer’s sense of fun, and thankfully, Thelor didn’t insist.

“There’s a letter for you,” Ori announced then. “I just arrived, an answer to your last message to the western settlement. I would have said it earlier, sir, but you prevented it.”

“At least, there’s some good in your ridiculous little affair if I can get my letters first thing in the morning. Give it to me.”

Ori obeyed, and while his employer read, he checked their program for the day. Meeting people, mostly, but that didn’t mean a quiet day, not when these people were Hara of the West Lake (her tribe was thinking of moving South, to flee the rising Darkness in the West), the head of the miners’ guild (trouble in one of the iron mines, miners not paid enough, security condition had become problematic, the guild needed help dealing with the owners to make them see sense), and representatives of the elves (they too were running away from the Darkness… but not before making some profits from selling their salterns… if they played it well, Ori was sure that they could help free orcs to get them, or at least make sure they went to Men who would set _reasonable_ prices on the salt). Busy day, but they’d had worse ones, and they might get things moving in the right direction. And if they were lucky…

“Cancel all my appointments,” Thelor ordered. “There is a change of plan.”

“Sir?”

“Our visitor from the West will arrive today.”

“Oh. That’s great!” Ori exclaimed. They’d been promised an emissary from the Western tribes to discuss recent discoveries, but they hadn’t had news of that in weeks, and they’d started fearing something had happened. Realizing that had been a little too cheerful, Ori bent his head. “I will inform everyone and reschedule, sir. If I may dare a suggestion, sir?”

Thelor raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

“You might want to see Hara even now, sir, if only to inform her that there are new developments. She has planned to leave before the end of the week to go back to the West Lake, but she will certainly reconsider that if she knows we have something to expect from the West. She doesn’t _want_ to leave sir, she’ll take any excuse to stay.”

“The elves say they are leaving in two days, do you want me to meet them too, maybe?”

“They’ve been leaving in two days for three months now. I’m sure there’s no emergency.”

Lord Thelor’s mouth twitched, as it did when the old dwarf fought a smile. Ori always felt like he had accomplished something when that happened.

“You make a fair point. I will see Hara this morning. Go get Joth, she will come with me and take notes. You will see what the miners need, and charm the elves into staying a little longer. Do you think you can do that again?”

“I’ll do my best, sir,” Ori promised. “Anything else, sir?”

“Yes. Try to be quick. I don’t know when the emissary will arrive, but I want you to be here when I see him.”

“As you wish sir. May I go, sir?”

With a small wave of the hand, Thelor dismissed him. Ori didn’t even bother bowing before he dashed out of the room. He didn’t like at all being sent alone to deal with important business, still terrified that he would mess up like he always messed up, but he was getting used to it, if only a little. Beside, he had no choice, and he was getting used to that, too.

His first stop was at the office where a group of scribes read every letter sent to lord Thelor, and a few letters sent to other people, but that had _mysteriously_ found their way to that office, and also had to be read before they could be sent back to their proper recipient. Joth was one of these scribes. She didn’t like Ori too much, because before he arrived, she’d been the best candidate to become Therol’s next secretary, and she was always more than happy to take Ori's place when she could. Ori didn’t care. She was more competent than him, it was a fact, so it was probably good for everyone when she did his job.

Once he had given Joth her assignment for the morning, he rushed to the headquarters of the miners’ guild. Ironically, _that_ was aboveground, because they couldn’t afford a building underground. The dwarf present there that day was very understanding (Ori had talked to him once or twice before, and he asked news of his family before admitting that he couldn’t stay long and that Thelor wouldn't come at all) and he had given him a short version of their demands, as well as an unflattering (but most likely true enough) description of the behaviour of some of mines owners. Ori took note of it, just as he took note of the fact that the dwarf had looked worried as he mentioned that. It probably wasn’t a thing he was supposed to talk about, and it wouldn’t come up in the actual negotiations, but Thelor would want to hear about that. Miners had a hard enough life without being subjected to pressure and, in some cases, harassment.

It took him a little more time to take care of the elves. They liked to make him wait, to remind him of his proper place in the world. It was a little difficult to like them, but Ori had come to the conclusion that they weren’t _bad_ as much as _ignorant_. They didn’t seem to realize how stupid some of the things they said were, and if they really did go West, to their legendary land where no one died, he supposed they would never learn to accept that other creatures had value too. He almost pitied them. It must have been so boring, thinking you were perfect. Ori didn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t have so much to learn.

Think about Fili and get sad and wonder how to get rid of that ache in his chest he had whenever he thought about his prince, probably.

He was glad when at last, an elf deigned to listen to him. He made himself small and pitiful, the way they liked to see him, and he explained that something unexpected had happened, that lord Thelor couldn’t come that day. He didn’t say _what_ , but did his best to imply there was a great mystery behind it all, and that it would all be revealed in due time. Elves _loved_ a good secret, and they loved a chance to gossip about the strange ways of the dwarves. The one who had agreed to see Ori promised that he would do his best to convince the other to stay until after Thelor had seen them.

Again.

Ori wasn’t too fond of elves, but he did like how easy it could be to deal with them.

Once all that was done, Ori went back to the palace to see if there were any instructions waiting for him, only to discover that he was free until the emissary arrived. Thelor’s only order was that he had to dress to impress. That wasn’t an unexpected request. Ori was usually asked to make himself pretty when they met strangers. He didn’t like it, but his employer enjoyed using the young dwarf’s looks to distract people.

Getting dressed was a quick business, as was eating a small lunch, and before he knew it, Ori found himself with nothing to do. On any other day, he wouldn’t have minded, but this was a Fili day, and these were dangerous. He knew by experience that if he didn’t have something to do on days like that, he would end up trying to write to the prince. He always did, and he always destroyed them later on, to not be tempted to send them. Fili had made his choice, and he had to respect that. He had hurt his prince enough already, he couldn’t be selfish and still ask for his friendship after all that, could he?

In the end, he couldn’t resist grabbing a piece of paper and scribbling on it. It was a short message. Just three lines.

 

_"Dear Fili_

_"Why didn’t you write?_

_"Ori_

 

Ori looked at it, and quickly shredded it to small piece.

He had no right to be _selfish_. Fili had always been so selfless and kind, and if he had reached his limit, then Ori had to respect it, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much…

A knock on the door distracted him from his thoughts, and he smiled when he saw prince Khim enter. He liked Khim. The Queen’s eldest son was the only dwarf Ori had ever met who was smaller than him (he might still grow though, since he was only seventy-eight) and a very nice company, curious about everything and trying hard to get things right, and smart enough that even _Thelor_ admitted it.

“I heard there’s news from the West?” the prince said after closing the door behind him. “Did they send us someone at last?”

“Where did you hear that?”

“I met uncle Thelor, and he told me because I have to be there.”

“Why do you ask me if you have seen him?”

Khim sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Because he just said that I had to be there, he didn’t say why, but I suspected it was about the West and I was hoping _you_ might actually tell me what’s happening… only, you’re growing just as frustrating as him. You spend too much time with him.”

“Well, that’s my job,” Ori laughed. “I can’t really help being around him, can I? And I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything if he didn’t. Not that I know more than you, anyway. Your uncle likes keeping people in the dark, he thinks it’s fun.”

“Uncle doesn’t know what fun is,” Khim protested with a disgusted face. “I’m not sure he even knows the word.”

Ori laughed again. He’d heard the same coming from Kili, and sometimes from Fili. From Gimli too, come to think of it. He was starting to believe that maybe there was a law of the universe stating that uncles didn’t know how to enjoy themselves.

“Come on,” Khim insisted. “I am a prince. You can tell me what you know. Please? And I’ll tell you something in exchange. Something uncle told me!”

“If you are thinking of tell me that there’s a chance you’ll be sent West as an ambassador, I already know. And that’s so uncertain I’m not sure it’s an information you should be trading.”

Ori smirked at Khim’s disgruntled expression. He had guessed right, then.

“You really spend too much time with uncle,” Khim complained. “It’s useless talking to you. I don’t know why I even try.”

“Because you’re bored, and waiting for lord Thelor to call us both for… whatever it is he needs us for.”

“Fair point,” Khim admitted. “Well, let’s put that to good use! Tell me about the West! Tell me about… about the battles! You’ve been in one, right? And you’ve seen a dragon, a real one! Tell me about that, I want to know everything!”

Ori laughed at his eager he sounded, but he started talking about the battle he’d seen, and the ones he had heard about, trying to explain why the wars for the Moria had seemed like a good idea, even though orcs had lived there for centuries, bothering no one, really. It had made Ori a little sick to discover that Azog’s lot had been free orcs, tribes that had rejected the lord of Mordor, and that the mines of Moria had been a refuge for them. He was trying to justify why the battles had been right anyway when Joth came in, saving him when she said that lord Thalor requested their presence immediately in the turquoise room.

They didn’t _run_ there, but only because calling it running would have made it undignified. Ori prefered to think they were _obeying with great speed_ , which sounded a lot better.

It didn’t take them long to get to the turquoise room (used for official but secret meetings), but it took them a little moment to catch their breath again, and make sure they looked proper. They represented Gabilbizar, they had to make a good impression.

Ori almost ruined it all when they entered at last, and it took all of his willpower to not shout from joy and run to the emissary.

It was Nori.

And who else could it have been, really? Nori knew the East, had been there before. Nori liked to travel and had contacts everywhere, he was the best choice to come and hear about what was happening in these parts… It couldn’t have been anyone else, and Ori felt stupid for not having realized it.

He almost called Nori’s name, but caught himself in time. This was something official. They were here to discuss things that might impact the future of the world, it wasn’t the moment to go sentimental. Beside, if Thelor hadn’t told him that his brother was the emissary from the West, it clearly meant that the lord didn’t want Ori to act as if he knew Nori. There would be time for emotions later. For now, Ori went to stand by his lord’s side, ready to take notes of everything that would be said, and the look Thelor threw him informed him he had passed a test of some sort.

And there was a lot to say indeed. The free orcs lived in terror, because bands coming from Mordor regularly attacked them, destroying villages and stealing children and women. The Men who went West, for business or because they followed the animals they hunted, told that people there were afraid, and forced to pay tributes, both in metal and in work, that those who refused were wiped out and enslaved. Even the elves were terrified and speaking of going West, to the undying lands, to escape the darkness they felt on the rise.

“Sauron is dead, or so the elves believes,” Thelor said. “But he is not the only dark power in this world. There was a necromancer in Mirkwoods for years.. wizards destroyed his tower, but not the necromancer himself, I’ve heard. And some of the Dark Lord’s servants survived him. They might fancy themselves lords of Mordor and of the world.”

“The masters of the West think the world’s at peace,” Nori noted. “My king believes all is well, as does Dain of the Iron Hills. Thranduil of Mirkwood doesn’t care. His woods are safe again, the rest matters not. The lord of Rivendell isn’t so sure, but he admits himself that he might worry only out of habit.”

“The West is _soft_ , and quick to forget. Why did you come if they think there is no danger? Does your king even know you’re here?”

Nori smirked at the suggestion. “I didn’t cross the world just for your pretty eyes, Thelor. Yes, Thorin knows I’m here, and he sent me. He doesn’t think there is any danger, but I told him I did, and that was enough for him. So what do you want? That we gather an army and attack Mordor?”

“Don’t be _vulgar_. There might be nothing. The elves get scared at the smallest things, and the Men and Orcs are violent races, so it might just be a few private wars that are unfortunately happening at the same time. Only time will tell. But there used to be an alliance between East and West. There were roads going from the Orocarni to the Misty Mountains. Maybe it is time such things were brought back to life. It would be mutually beneficial.”

Nori asked to hear more, and Thelor gave him more. The old lord had a complete plan ready, including trades agreement, the use of ambassadors. He was even ready to have two of Thren’s raven given to Erebor and the Iron Hills, both for emergencies and normal business discussions. Nori listened, objecting at some things, protesting when he knew Thorin would never agree to something, making a few suggestions here and there. Ori took notes of it all. He felt almost guilty when he realized that he was observing Nori as much as he listened to him, but that had become a habit. Besides, it was Nori would had first taught him to do that, so he might be proud to know that Ori was still using his lessons.

After a while, Thelor decided that he had said all he could say without consulting the Queen again, and he suggested to have her meet Nori the following day.

“I'll just tell her what I've told you, only more politely,” Nori warned him. “I came here to see what the matter was, I don't have the power to make any decision.”

“And yet you must meet her. She is the Queen. This is non-negociable. Ori?”

The young secretary took a step forward. “Sir?”

“Master Nori is in your charge as long as he is in town. You will arrange his security, make sure to find him accommodations worthy of an emissary of Erebor, and ensure that his stay here is agreeable. Can you do that?”

“I'll do my best, sir,” Ori promised, fighting a smile. Of course Thelor would make spending time with Nori sound like work.

“I expect no less from you. Khim, come with me. We need to see your mother.”

The Spymaster and his nephew left quickly. As soon as the door had closed again, Ori hastily dropped his things on a chair and jumped to Nori's neck, holding him as tight as he could. The older dwarf tensed a little, not used to such demonstrations of affection, but he quickly relaxed and hugged back.

“Hi, kid. I had missed you.”


	14. Dear Ori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori is reunited with his brother, who has a few questions for him

“You're skinny!” Ori accused after pulling back from the hug. “And you're still dirty from the trip. When was the last time you had a bath and a proper meal? Beer and bread doesn't count as a proper meal by the way.”

“I grabbed a pastry on my way to the palace.”

“Doesn't count either! Come, I've got biscuits and fruits at my place, and there's a nice bathroom... where did you leave your things? I'll have them sent to wherever we make you stay. Oh, would you like to stay with me? My quarters are fairly big, I have a second bed, and there's a window, so you should feel safe enough. Well, unless you'd rather not stay with me? I'll understand, you must have friends everywhere and if you want to catch up with them...”

“You sound like Dori.”

Ori froze and frowned, but Nori was smiling, a true, proper smile. It almost hurt to see him again like that, after so long. It had been years... last time he'd been near Nori had been during his short stay in prison, but that hardly counted at all because he'd not been looking or listening then.

“There's only one person I want to catch up with, kid,” Nori announced, “and that's you. Look at you. Didn't you grow a little?”

“Not a single inch,” Ori laughed. “And I'm almost as skinny as you, with how much Thelor makes me run everywhere. Well, let's go then. I've got to ask someone to bring your things before we can...”

“I've got everything,” his brother cut him, grabbing a large bag on the floor. “It's all there. I travelled light. Come on, show me where you live, kid.”

As soon as they left the room, Ori tried to go back to being Thelor's secretary, polite but distant as he led his brother through the corridors of the palace. It was a habit. Nori, of course, was having none of that, and he tried giving news from Erebor, but Ori was so terrified of hearing about Fili that he quickly asked about his brother's travel instead, wondering if the roads had been safe and if he'd had any troubles.

Being Nori, he had.

He was still in the middle of describing a fight with two Men when they finally arrived to Ori's place. Nori whistled, impressed.

“Mahal, the old boy isn't fooling around with you. That's a nice place he gave you, kid. And it's close to the birds' tower too, look at that. Bet it's very easy to get there from here, isn't it?”

Ori paled, then cringed when Karad, probably alerted by the voices, came in by the window.

“Look at that, the ravens even come here!” Nori exclaimed. “Ideal conditions to be writing home, that, don't you agree? And yet we haven't have news from you in a year and a half. Nearly _two_. Lucky Thelor mentioned taking you to work for him, because we were starting to think you were dead, you know.”

“Nori, it's not...”

“I get that you had an argument with your little prince,” Nori interrupted, and he looked _angry_ , more than Ori had ever seen him. “He told me so. But just because you don't write to _him_ doesn't mean you can't write to _us_. Mama was dead worried. We all were! Months without news, kid! I can imagine that Thelor didn't give you a lot of free time, he's like that, but you're clever and you'd have found time if you had _wanted_ to!”

“I'm sorry! I just... I thought... I thought it'd be easier for everyone, that's all...”

Which was a lie, and Ori didn't like lying, but the truth was too selfish to be confessed. How could he tell Nori that he hadn't written because it terrified him that his mother might tell him something, _anything_ , about Fili? He missed getting news from her, he missed her kind letters almost as much as he missed Fili's, but he just couldn't risk it.

Just thinking about his prince was painful, even if Fili wasn't his, even if he didn't love him. ( _couldn't_ love him, because it would have been so stupid of him to love someone so far away, someone he would never touch or kiss)

“I'm sorry, No. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I'm so sorry I did. I'm so sorry that's all I ever do. I'll write now, I promise, I'll write, just...”

“Just?”

“Do you think Mama would agree to... to not talk at all about Fili? It's true we... sort of had a fight... he didn't do anything wrong though! He's never been anything but nice and kind so don't you dare be angry at him or anything like that! But just... I don't think I can handle... I don't know if I could...”

“He gave me letters for you.”

Ori froze, and stared at his brother who stared back. Every instinct Ori had acquired in the past two years told him he should have composed himself and feigned indifference, as was the safest reaction under such scrutiny, but he found he couldn't.

Fili had written to him.

Fili had given letters for him to Nori.

After _months_ , Fili had still cared enough to do that.

“I've got them here,” Nori said carefully, taking a thick envelope from one of his hidden pockets. “I promised him I'd give them to you, but if you'd rather not...”

“I want them!” Ori exclaimed. “How was he when he gave them to you? Did he look angry? Did he look sad? What did he tell you? Did he say anything, or did he just give them?”

“I think he was a bit tipsy, probably for courage.”

That didn't sound good, Ori decided. Fili was a very brave dwarf, what could be in his letters that would be so horrible he'd need to be drunk to give them?

“Look, kid, I've got a suggestion,” Nori said. “I'm going to give you these letters, and while you read them, I'll have a long bath. Might brush my hair too. And I'll take a few biscuits to nibble one while I soak. That'll give you plenty of time to... _read_. What do you think? Sounds good?”

Not trusting himself to speak, Ori quickly nodded, and grabbed the letters his brother was handing him. He kept them against his heart as he showed the bathroom to Nori, and as soon as he was alone, he started reading.

 

_“Dear Ori_

_"I understand that you would not want to expose yourself to the pain of having a lover who would be nothing more to you than words on paper. The possibilities, the things that might have been… it hurts to merely think about it, and now more than ever, I wish I had the courage to run away and come to you… But I will speak of it no more. I wish you and Thren all the happiness you can get. I wished you had found someone who truly loved you this time, but I suppose that as long as things are clear between you, as long as no one is pretending to feel something that doesn’t exist, it is… not so bad?_

_"I will only make one request, Ori. I will never again speak of my feelings for you, but in exchange, please, do not tell me about that dwarf… not unless he hurts you (in which case I will listen, and try to advise you as best as I can) or if the two of you do fall in love after all (I would want to know that, should it happen). That is the only demand I make of you._

_"And now… time for news of everyone._

_"I am now a father. Kili readily agreed to abandon his daughter to me, and mother convinced Thorin that it would be a good thing for both Kit and me. I am not sure what exactly she told him, actually, but there has been a great fight between them, after which they didn’t talk for days… but Thorin is a little less demanding toward me since then. It won’t last, but it’s nice anyway. And really, I don’t care. Kit is mine, my child! She’s only one, still too young to be taken from her mother, but Ori, she’s my daughter. I visit her every day, I play with her, I learn all I can about how to take care of a child… I am making her a bedroom in my quarters, and I buy toys for her… She’ll be a princess, a real one, with more than the bad sides to it. She’ll be happy, I swear it. I’ll do my best to make her happy, to show her how loved she is…_

_"Concerning the others… Nori has been terribly busy lately, though I don’t know with what. He keeps meeting uncle and Balin and Dwalin… these meetings aren’t exactly secret, but no one else is invited… though they are apparently considering asking Thranduil to come one day. Whatever is happening, it must be serious. I’ve tried asking about it, but uncle refused to tell me. He says I don’t need to know just yet, and that if I’m lucky I’ll never know it at all._

_"Gimli and Legolas are officially friends. That is official. I’ve been invited to go have a drink with them the other day, and I swear, the way they playfully teased each other… I used to be like that with Kili. How did they go from insulting each other to… to this? There’s no perfect trust yet, but I swear, give them the occasions, and these two will become shield-brothers. It annoys Gloin even more than Gimli’s refusal to pick a trade, but I take it as a good sign… long ago, there was friendship between elves and dwarves, maybe such a time is coming again?_

_"Your friend,_

_"Fili_

_"PS: I have been waiting to send this letter for a week now. I… might have scared your raven a little when I… first read about you and… your friend. I am leaving plenty of apples on my window to make her come back, but I haven’t seen her yet. I’m starting to have a bad feeling._

_"Dear Ori_

_"It has been a month._

_"Your bird hasn’t come back._

_"I don’t know what to do._

_"I just hope you’ll write again._

_"I don’t know why I’m writing this._

_"Fili_

_"Dear Ori_

_"Four months since your last letter. I know that’s how long it takes to get news from you if you write right away. Meaning either the bird had an accident (unlikely, she seems a clever thing) or you haven’t written back (I am choosing to believe that you were too busy)._

_"Please write again._

_"This is all I have from you, please write again._

_"Fili_

_"Dear Ori_

_"You won’t write again, will you?_

_"Fili_

_"Dear Ori_

_"It’s been eight months, and I think this is the longest I have gone without news from you. You really won’t be writing again, will you? I don’t know why I still write. I suppose I still need to pretend._

_"It hurts that you would think I voluntarily send back your raven without an answer… I wouldn’t do that… Would I? I don’t even know anymore. When I read you had taken a new lover, I just wanted to jump on the first pony I could find and kill that dwarf for daring to touch you like I never will. So much for promising I’d be happy for you if you couldn’t offer me more than friendship, right?_

_"But how happy can I be when you talked about him that way? How happy can I be when once again, you have a lover who doesn’t love you… I’m not even saying I wished you had picked me. I realize now that I never was an option. You’ve admitted yourself that you never paid attention to me before, you never even considered the idea I might like you… and now, at the first hint of me loving you, you run into another’s arms. You were never meant to be mine._

_"May I mention I am terribly drunk tonight? And I plan to drink some more after I’m done writing. I needed the courage. Your brother is leaving for Gabilbizar, for a mission that I am not allowed to know about, and I want to ask him to deliver this letter and a few others to you. I didn’t catch them all, and honestly I’m not sure which one you’ll get. My plan here is that I need to be very drunk to face your brother and admit that it’s my fault if you haven’t sent any more letters, but I know him enough now to know he won’t take the ones I have for you if he thinks I am too drunk to take a decision. I can’t hide that I’ve had a few drinks, but I can hide how much. It should be an interesting challenge._

_"I hope he takes the letters, and give them to you._

_"Write me back, Ori._

_"I want to hear about your days, your friends, the things you do. I want to hear about you. You can even tell me about your lover if you want. Just, please, write to me._

_"Even if it’s to say you won’t write again._

_"Please write to me._

_"I didn’t mean not to write. Please believe me._

_"Please write to me._

_"I asked it from you, once, and it was the only thing I ever asked. I know I don’t even deserve to ask this, not with all the things I allowed to happen to you… but I still ask for it. Please, please give me this. Give me a goodbye at least._

_"Fili_

 

Ori didn’t know how long he stayed there, clutching at the letters and crying.

Of course Fili hadn’t meant to not write. Fili was a good dwarf, the best dwarf Ori had ever met, and he’d always been good and honorable, and Ori should have known that there was an explanation, that his prince would never just have broken their friendship like that. He wasn’t Kili, he would never have hurt him. Fili didn’t hurt people, or if he did, he was by being open and honest and by saying things. Fili had always _said_ things.

He was still sitting there and crying by the time Nori came back.

His brother walked to him in silence, slipping an arm around Ori’s shoulder and staying there, as if he didn’t know what else to do. Never been too good with moments like that, Ori thought, before pressing himself against his brother and throwing his arms around Nori’s waist to hold him tight. He needed a hug and he would get it. Thankfully Nori didn’t resist, and his other hand came to caress Ori’s hair.

“Bad news, kid?” he asked gently.

Ori nodded.

“I think I’m in love with Fili.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to know what happened with Fili and karad:  
> He was very distressed when he read about Ori and Thren. Karad likes him well enough (he gives her apple and she gets to fly long distances when she carried letter to him) so she wanted to distract him the way she does to Ori, by pecking him gently. Fili was surprised by it and pushed her away a little roughly, and it's more than likely that he yelled a few insults at her, and she got scared enough to decide that fuck this shit, she's going home.
> 
> Also, the chapters posted caught up with the chapters written, meaning that updates might be slower now... sorry about that!  
> (the fact that I got distracted by sudden Ori/Nori feels didn't help >.>)(but I'll go back to being serious and writing on this fic now!)


	15. brotherly love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori and Nori talk about a variety of things

“I think I’m in love with Fili.”

The word hurt as he said them, and yet after months of denial, of refusing to even consider that option, it felt liberating. He was in love with Fili. There was no _I think_ about it, really. He was sure of what he felt, more sure than he had been in his life.

More sure than he had been for Kili.

And it was the worse news of the century.

Not that Nori seemed to realize how bad it was.

“Well, you could do worse,” he told Ori, hugging him tighter. “M’al, you’ve _done_ worse. He’s a good lad. And he’s completely crazy about you of course, but you already know that.”

Ori snorted.

“One day, I’ll surprise you, you’ll see.”

“Kid, that’s all you ever do. And I'm happy for you and the little prince. Can we start expecting letters again?”

“You can... but Fili... it's better if I leave him alone, isn't it? I'll just end up hurting him again otherwise...”

Nori pulled back a little, and threw him an incredulous look.

“Kid, you're not seriously thinking about not telling him, are you?”

“It's for the best! It's not... it's not like we'll ever be together... I'll never see him again... it's better if he doesn't know! That way he can move on, and...”

“If he didn't move on when you were shagging his brother, or when his uncle exiled you, I don't think he'll move on now, just because you've decided to be an idiot.”

Ori glared at his brother. “I'm being _sensible_. But wait a minute, you _knew_ he liked me even in Erebor?”

Nori had the decency to look embarrassed.

“I've suspected since our night at Bilbo's. Kid, he started a bloody _musical number_ to impress you, remember? And his eyes never left you for long while we were on the quest... or even after. I'm surprised no one else noticed. I'm surprised _you_ didn't notice, but I guess you were too busy trying to convince yourself you were happy.”

The younger dwarf cringed. That was a low blow, especially coming from his own brother. It was true, but it was still a low blow.

“That came out wrong,” Nori sighed. “You didn't do anything bad. You were just young and...”

“Stupid?”

“ _Inexperienced_. Stupid would be if you still wanted to get back to Kili, or if you got yourself another lover like him. Thankfully, your friend with the birds seems a decent dwarf, so I'd say you've learned your lesson.”

“ _You know about Thren_?”

Nori gave him a look then. A look that said quite clearly that he knew many things, and that Ori probably didn't want to start asking about what his brother knew, just in case he started getting _answers_. Thelor gave him the same look sometimes. No wonder these two got along.

“So that's our situation then,” Nori said with a grin. “The prince loves you, and I now have confirmation that you love him...”

“ _Confirmation_?”

“... so the only problem left is that he's in Erebor, and you're stuck here. For now. There's been progress about getting you back home, but you'll have to help. Do you remember Jerin, who worked with you and Balin back in Erebor?”

Ori tensed. That was a name he wasn't about to forget.

“He's that dwarf Balin suspected of stealing from the treasure... which he _did_ , by the way! And I would have proven it if only... if I hadn't... I lost the file with all the proofs, on the day... on that day where I...”

“On the day where Kili tricked you into assaulting him. Yeah. I know. Balin told me. And considering how everything turned out, he thinks it's a bit queer how it mysteriously disappeared just then. Bit too _convenient_. Between that and your notes from the quest that disappeared on the same day...”

“Dwalin said they didn't find anything in the fireplace.”

“Yeah, and we didn't find it anywhere else either,” Nori noted. “Trust me, we looked, kid. I didn't want to send you to Thelor without your very best work to speak for you, and that was the best thing you'd done that I knew of. But the notebook was gone, so burnt or not, there's something wrong.”

Ori gasped at that. He had accepted it as a fact that his book was destroyed. He still wasn't sure if what he had seen in the fireplace that day had been real or not, but he'd been certain the book no longer existed. He'd never really stopped to think about the implications of that. Namely, that _someone_ must have destroyed it, even if it wasn't necessarily Kili.

“Jerin's been pretty quiet for a while,” Nori resumed. “Good and honest member of society, who managed to open a small tavern with what he earned working with Balin. The sort of tavern you don't go in if you're not already a regular, because there's all sort of business happening there. Your little friend Jerin has many important friends. One or two might even have something to do with a few assassination attempts against the royals…”

“He is linked to the people who tried to kill Kit?”

“Not directly, no, but he probably lent the money that was used to hire the assassins. Can’t prove anything yet, though, and that’s part of why I’m here. Thelor’s paranoia gave me the perfect excuse to come see you. You investigated that little shit and what he was doing. You found _proofs_ of what he did, before he learned to become careful.”

“But that was years ago!”

“I know. But anything can help, kid. And I’ve talked with Balin, who’s agreed we should blame dear old Jerin for your troubles during your last few weeks in Erebor. As I’ve said, it’s pretty weird that both your files on him _and_ your book disappeared on the same day, on top of… other things that happened around the same time. I’ve been told about pens and clothes going missing back then?”

Ori frowned. Blaming Jerin for that? It would have been strange, but not impossible, come to think of it. Jerin had good reasons to want to make Ori doubt himself… but when would he have managed to move Ori’s things? If anyone had had a hand in that, it had to be Kili, who was the only who could have come into the rooms they shared. Nori himself had checked their locks and named them safe, and there were only two keys, Ori’s and Kili’s, and…

“You can’t blame Kili because it would make his entire family look bad, so you want to say it’s Jerin?” Ori gasped. “But that would be a lie!”

“And Jerin had a hand in trying to kill a baby,” Nori noted. “I think in the end, I’m still slightly less of a bastard than he is. And really, I lie regularly for Thorin. _You’re_ working with Thelor and probably lie for him. Why shouldn’t I lie for _you_?”

That was an unfair accusation, Ori thought. He didn’t lie for Thelor. He sometimes forgot to mention important facts that people didn’t need to know, and he was very good at changing the subject, but he didn’t _lie_. Lying was _wrong_.

Even if Jerin was an awful person who deserved all sorts of bad things to happen to him, and…

“I hope you realize the implications of what I’m trying to do?” Nori asked. “It’s not just about getting rid of a dwarf with too much money and the wrong sort of power. It’s not even about protecting the royals. It’s about trying to get you home.”

“What?”

“I can’t say Kili abused you in every way he could think of, because it would make Thorin and Fili look bad. But if I can prove that you had been pushed to your limit by someone else, an enemy of the crown, there’s a fair chance Thorin will allow you to come back, according to Balin. There’s a precedent, he said.”

“ _What_?”

Ori felt he could hardly breathe.

Home.

He might be going _home_. There was a chance that he could see his mother again, and his friends. It was a small chance, but it was still better than what he’d had so far, the absolute certainty that he would never again see Erebor.

Tears started running down his cheeks, and he must have looked upset because Nori pulled him into a hug, but he didn’t care.

He might be going home.

He might see his mother again, he might see Dori again, he might…

“ _I could be with Fili_ ,” he breathed, pressing a hand against his mouth when he realized he’d said that aloud. Nori laughed of course, but there was nothing but affection in his voice.

“Now you’re starting to catch up, kid. Gonna need your help, though. Everything you can remember about what Jerin did will help. His habits, the way he worked, the people he talked to, everything. Not right now, don’t worry. I think I’m here for a while, if Thelor and his Queen really want to reopen the old commercial roads. We’ll have time to discuss dear old Jerin in the next few months.”

At the idea of having his brother there for months, Ori grinned. He wasn’t alone anymore. It wasn’t quite the same as being home, but he wasn’t alone, he had family with him, and family was what mattered.

He pressed himself against Nori once again, just because he could, and his brother sighed.

“Are you going to be like that the entire time, kid?”

“Yup!” Ori cheerfully announced. “Unless I decide to be worse. Beside, you _like_ hugs.”

“I don’t.”

“You _do_. Don’t lie. I know it when people lie. It’s my job.”

Nori glared at him, to which Ori answered by his sweetest, most innocent smile, until they both started giggling.

“Alright, I like hugs a little,” Nori admitted. “But don’t you dare tell anyone, or I’ll have to kill you.”

  
  


Once Ori had managed to compose himself a little, Nori suggested they went out to eat. He knew a place where someone owed him something, and so they could get a free meal. Ori tried to argue that he had money, and so could pay for a place that would have good, edible food, but all in vain. Nori was determined. He wanted to go to that one place he remembered.

Sadly, when they arrived there, they discovered it had closed down.

“Well, it’s been a while,” Nori admitted. “I haven’t been here in nearly half a century. But we’ll find somewhere else. That place here looks nice!”

Ori looked where his brother was pointing. Nice wasn’t the word he’d have chosen for it. There were no polite words for it.

“Can’t we go to an actual restaurant? Please, Nori. I remember what happened last time I ate somewhere you had chosen. It was in Laketown, and I was sick the entire next day. We’re seeing the Queen tomorrow, I can’t be sick!”

“Then don’t eat, or go home. I’m going in. It looks like a fun place.”

Ori groaned, but followed his brother, of course. Lord Thelor had said that Nori was under his responsibility after all, and even if he could take care of himself, Ori took these things seriously.

Beside, he’d get his revenge through more hugs later on.

The food wasn’t so terrible in the end. Ori had had worse in prettier places. And it was nice to just be around Nori, to hear him joke and give news of everyone… He complained a lot about Dori of course, because that was his way of showing he cared. He also grumbled against their mother, and how she got along too well with a lot of important people, some of which were dwarves who had scorned her in Ered Luin because of her three bastards. Everyone else was doing well too, everyone was happy.

‘Except for your little prince,” Nori stated. “Well, it’s not so bad now that he’s got his kid. But things aren’t so well between him and Thorin. Dis is starting to realize that he was shaken badly by what Kili did to you, but he won’t tell her the whole story. And, well, he used to be close to his brother, but not so much anymore. And what’s a dwarf without a family to count on?”

“He’s mentioned once or twice that Thorin was a bit hard on him, but I didn’t think it was that bad?”

“Your boyfriend isn’t the complaining sort, kid. It’s the problem with these Durins, they’re too proud to admit there is a problem in the first place… and he’s pretty good at pretending. The boy can smile through anything. He’s been well trained. It’s good for a future king to know how to keep himself in check, but that means when he breaks, he breaks _hard_. You should have seen him when he heard there had been an attack against his niece…”

Ori shivered. He remembered his prince’s letter after that. Fili had seemed so… fragile, then. Almost as fragile as he’d seen that day where he had visited Ori in his cell. He’d looked so broken then…

“Why would anyone want to kill a baby?” Ori asked, trying to banish that memory.

“Not everyone likes the royals.Not everyone likes Kili in particular, and Diat’s family isn’t all that popular. There were a few people who would have liked it better if Fili had married himself a nice girl and made babies with her. Which isn’t going to happen, as we both know. I’ve changed your diapers when you were a kid, I know you don’t have the equipments to bear kids. And since there’s absolutely no chance whatsoever that he’s going to get into anyone else’s pants… Kit’s got to survive. Why do you think I suggested to Fili that he should adopt her?”

“Because if she’s his daughter, she instantly get a better public image than by being Kili's? Oh, that’s clever! And in a couple years, everyone will have forgotten she wasn’t his, especially with how young he took her… it’s a shame she has dark hair, if she were a blonde… what?”

Nori was staring at him with a strange expression, as if he were both pleased and sad.

“Thelor is doing a good job with you,” he sighed. “That wasn’t really what I had in mind when I sent him to you, I must admit. I’d never have wanted you to become… like us.”

“Oh, I’m not like you! I’m not nearly good enough yet… I don’t think I’ll ever be… Thelor says I just don’t have the mind for it. He says I’m nice. Well, not, he says I’m _nice_ ,” Ori corrected with an ugly, disgusted grimace, and Nori snorted.

“He tends to speak like that, yeah. The worse is when you speak of sex in front of him though…”

“Oh, he’s awful then!” Ori laughed. “You should hear how he always complains when I’m spending time with Thren! He’ll probably be happy that it won’t happen anymore...”

“You’re thinking of breaking up with your friend then?”

Ori ponder on that for a moment. He still wasn’t sure he would tell Fili about his feelings. Even with Nori’s promise that he might get home, it still felt… _cruel_ to taunt Fili with something he couldn’t get. A part of him wished he hadn’t realized that he loved the prince, because it felt cruel to himself too. But no matter what he told to Fili (and he _would_ write to him, that much was _certain_ ) the idea of having a lover, even one as understanding as Thren, felt… wrong. Like he was cheating on Fili, somehow.

“It’s easier like that,” he decided. “No matter what happens after, for now, it’s easier like that.”

“Hm. You really must be in love to renounce easy sex so fast. Not sure I could do it.”

“Not even for Dwalin?”

“Well, we have an arrangement, so…”

“Ah! I knew it!” Ori laughed. “I _knew_ it!”

“You don’t know anything!” Nori grumbled, but he was _blushing_. “I’m not like you and Dori.”

“Of course not.”

“I don’t do romance. I hate romance. Romance is _shit_.”

“Obviously.”

“What will I have to pay you to make sure you never tell Mama and Dori?”

Ori grinned.

“All the gold in Erebor wouldn’t be _enough_ to stop me from telling them. _But_ if I get to hug you as much as I want while you’re here, and we get to places that sell actual food, I might manage to keep silent for a while.”

“I should never had sent you to Thelor,” Nori whined theatrically. “Fine. We have a deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chances of mistakes is about 100% higher than before, since I'm posting this just after finishing it... sorry...D:


	16. Dear Fili

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili is having a good day

_“Dearest Fili,_

_“I hesitated so long before writing this letter_

_“Not because I didn’t want to write to you! It’s all I wanted, even during those months where, I admit it, I thought you no longer wanted my friendship. Will you forgive me for thinking so badly of you? I should have known that you would never do such a thing! You are the very best dwarf I know, and I should have guessed something was wrong when Karad came back without news from you! (I’ve taken some measure to ensure this never happens again: I’ve told her I’ll never again buy figs for her if she doesn’t bring an answer this time!)_

_“Oh, Fili, I am so sorry I doubted you like this, and I am sorry I hurt you once more. It is the last thing I could ever want._

_“Do you know, I have something to tell you, but I’m still not sure I should… I’m so terrified I’ll hurt you again in the end…_ _But at the same time, I’m not sure I can keep it a secret now that I’ve realized it…_

_I love you, Fili._

_“It feels so strange to put it on paper! It’s like it’s making it all more real… or maybe it’s just that I’ve just started admitting it to myself anyway… I’ve known for a while now that it hurt to no longer have you in my life (that much was made clear when I could no longer get news from you. I’ve started so many letters to you, but I destroyed them all… I was too scared to try to send them to you…). I knew I wanted you in my life, but I think when I read your letters, I realized how much I needed you._

_“If I must be honest, I didn’t want to tell you any of this. Nori says he has a plan to have me pardoned, so that I may come back… but I know my luck, and I am not so sure it will work. And I still believe what I said in my last letter: what good is there in tormenting each other with feelings that will never be more than ink and paper? I’m not sure how we could make things work between us, with such distance between us…_

_“But at the same time, just the idea of touching someone else feels wrong now… Is it strange to say that? I didn’t care before, but now that I’ve realized that I love you, I can’t stand the idea of having anyone else. It has to be you, or no one. Of course, that’s easy to say right now… Nori is here, and I can cuddle with him whenever I feel sad or lonely… but I still don’t think I could want to kiss someone else now. It’s got to be you._

_“Speaking of that, I told Thren that we could no longer be lovers, of course. As I’ve said, it would feel… wrong. He told me he wasn’t surprised, and that he’d always thought I had a soft spot for you, because no one in their right minds spends that much money to send letters to “just someone they know”, which is all I told him about you at first. Nori wasn’t surprised either. And Lord Thelor too! Apparently, you and I were the only people who didn’t know._

_“But I know now. There’s not much I can do about it, but I love you._

_“Can you forgive me for how I’ve doubted you, and how I’ve hurt you? I’ll try my best to never do it again._

_“I’m afraid this is all I have to say for now. I hope to hear from you soon._

_“I love you_

_“Ori_

_“PS: Nori wants me to remind you that you mustn’t tell Thorin or Dis anything about the plan to get me back (you knew there was a plan?)(Nori says you did, but he ordered you to not tell me anything)(Nobody ever tells me anything, I swear)_

_“PPS: Nori also wants to say that he’s very happy that we are “young and stupid and in love”, but that he’ll break your face if you hurt me, but that’s just him doing his brotherly duty. I wouldn’t even have written it, really, but he’s standing right next to me to make sure I do as he says. He’s such an idiot sometimes._

_“PPPS: I hope Kit is fine. Nori says she must have started living with you now? Are things okay? How does she adapt? Is she still as cute, are you still as crazy about her? Tell me everything!_

_“PPPPS: I love you_

 

Fili stared at the letter, unsure what to do.

He hardly dared to breathe and he couldn’t blink, terrified that if he closed his eyes just one second, he’d realize it was all a dream… it was too _good_ to be anything but a dream…

He’d just started making his peace with it all, for Mahal’s sake. He’d just started to accept that Ori would never be his, that Ori was building a life for himself where he was, that Ori might not want to come back now that he had a good job and a lover. He’d finally accepted all that. He’d told himself he could live like that, live without Ori…

He’d _hoped_ that Ori would at least write to him after reading his letters, but he hadn’t expected more than a “Here is your goodbye, let’s go our separate ways now before we hurt each other”. On days where he was very daring, he dreamed that Ori might agree to resume their correspondence, that they could be friends even now…

He’d never allowed himself to think something like this could happen.

He was a realistic dwarf, and he knew when to give up. He’d given up the very instant Ori had written that he didn’t want to just _think_ about the possibility of love between them (well, maybe not at that exact moment, he thought guiltily. His actual first reaction had been to want to run to the Orocarni to see if things could work if he was in Ori’s presence… but he’d accepted the other’s decision as soon as that first impulse had vanished).

And now Ori wrote that he loved him.

Fili just didn’t know how to deal with that. He’d prepared for rejection of some sort, not for… not for this.

Ori loved him.

He didn’t know if it made him want to laugh or cry.

Ori _loved_ him.

He started crying and laughing all at once.

Ori loved _him_.

Fili wasn’t sure how long he stayed there reading again and again those words. Far too long, probably, and he had _so much_ to do, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered in the world, nothing but the fact that _Ori loved him_. Fili would have been perfectly happy to do nothing but bask in that feeling until the end of days.

The world, of course, had other plan, and before long there was a knock on his door, soon followed by Kili barging in without waiting for permission, as he always did. Fili managed to quickly hide Ori’s letter under a couple documents he should have been reading, but Karad was still there, and of course Kili noticed her.

It was rather difficult to miss a black bird half as tall as a dwarf perched on a chair.

“Fee, there’s a raven in your office,” Kili announced, staring at it.

“I’ve noticed, thanks.”

“ _Why_   is there a raven in your office?”

“Because he came in without asking if he was allowed to, as he always does, no matter how many times I’ve told him that the point of knocking on the door is you’re supposed to wait until people tell you that you can come in. Oh, wait, you meant the _bird_? She’s waiting for apples.”

Kili glared at him.

“Why is it waiting for apples?”

“I believe she was promised some.”

“You’re not going to tell me why that damn bird is here, are you?”

Fili smiled. “Not a chance, no. But may I inquire why you are here? The bird was invited. _You_ weren’t.”

“Yeah, and you were supposed to come and pick me up to go meet the council, and you didn’t, so I came to see what was wrong, like the good brother I am. Wait, did you cry? Is there a problem?”

Kili looked sincerely worried, and Fili tensed. He never knew how to react to his brother’s moments of kindness, and on that day more than ever, it would have felt like a betrayal to Ori to accept any tenderness from Kili.

“I’m perfectly fine, thanks,” he replied. “Got a bit of dust in my eyes, that’s all. How late are we for the council?”

“So late I’m not even sure it’s worth showing up. Fee, are you sure you’re okay? You look… weird. You’re… _smiling_.”

“What, so I’m not allowed to smile now? I’m in a good mood, that’s all.”

“Yeah, well, that’s _weird_ ,” Kili grumbled, eyeing him suspiciously. “You’re never in a good mood, not unless Kit’s around. Did something happen? Are you finally getting laid, maybe?”

His grin as he suggested that made Fili sick.

“No, I’m not, and you know _why_ I’m not.”

Kili rolled his eyes, sighed, and slumped on the chair where Karad was perched.

“Mahal, Fee! That was _years_ ago! You can’t _still_ be mad at me for this. Okay, so I fucked up and I stole your crush from you… I’ve told you I was sorry, isn’t that enough? You should move on, it’s not good to hold grudges like that. You’ll end up like Thorin if you keep that up. Beside, Ori wasn’t even that much of a good fuck, so really, you didn’t miss anything. And he was _clingy_ , you’d never have gotten rid of him after… you’re too nice for it.”

“That’s _not_ a conversation I want to be having,” Fili hissed. “Today less than ever.”

“Oh come on, you _still_ have a crush? Seriously, he was pretty, but he wasn’t _that_ pretty. Beside, you never had a chance. Stupid kid only had eyes for me. D’you know he thought you hated him?”

Fili glared at him. He should have known that Kili’s kindness wouldn’t last. It never lasted… though it was fairly likely that the younger prince thought he was being nice by talking like that… and that made it _worse_.

It took all of his willpower not to shove Ori’s letter in Kili’s face, not to yell ‘suck it up, he loves me now’... but ever since the very first letter, Nori had told him that he probably shouldn’t let people know he was in contact with Ori… and Ori certainly wouldn’t like knowing that Kili had read that…

But the temptation was still here, even just to show Kili that he had lost this time, that he was _wrong_.

“We’re done talking about this,” Fili announced instead. “Don’t you have anywhere else to be?”

“The council, just like you. But I figured I might as well stay here and wait with you until uncle comes yelling at us because we’re a disgrace to the line of Durin. It’s not as bad when we’re together for it, you know?”

Of course it wasn’t as bad, Fili thought bitterly. If they were together, Thorin gave up on shouting at Kili after a couple minutes, and instead concentrated on telling Fili that he wasn’t just the shame of the entire family, but also a bad example to his brother. Thankfully, he had learned to tune out… most of the time. Lately Thorin was also accusing him of being a bad influence for Kit, and _that_ was a little harder to deal with.

“I’ve got work to do,” Fili grumbled. “I’m fairly sure you do too.”

“Nothing urgent, don’t worry. What are you working on?”

“Security measure and the establishment of common norms for all the mines in the mountain, regardless of what’s been extracted in them.”

“Sounds boring.”

“Yes, I suppose that legal decisions meant to save lives can sound boring, and yet it must be done. So stop talking, or go away.”

Kili sighed tragically, but he stopped talking. Fili tried to get back to work, but he soon found he couldn’t concentrate on the reports he was supposed to read. He didn’t _want_ to concentrate. He wanted to read Ori’s letter again, until he knew it by heart. He wanted to think of nothing but Ori, and how Ori loved him, and what he was going to write to him…

“Hey, that bird’s funny!” Kili exclaimed after a while. “Do you think I could keep it? I’d teach it tricks. It looks clever enough for that…”

Fili glared at him. Kili was taunting the raven with a golden locket, waving it in front of the bird who tried to catch it.

“You’re not allowed pets, and Karad already has a master.”

“I could buy it. Who’s its master?”

“That’s no concern of yours. And anyway, it’s better if she goes now. Thorin will probably find a way to get angry if he sees her. Come on girl, if you go now, I promise you a mountain of apple later on!”

Fili stood up from his chair, preparing to show the bird away, but before he could take a single step in her direction, Karad let out a cry and flew to the window and outside. For a brief second Fili panicked, wondering if she’d come back this time… but of course she would. Ori had told her to, and she was a clever bird.

Still, Fili felt uneasy as he sat back, and now instead of thinking about Ori’s letter, he kept glancing at the window. Surely, if she came back without a letter this time, Ori would send her again… wouldn’t he?

If he didn’t, Fili really _would_ grab Kit and ride to the Orocarni this time. It would be easy. If he could get a good pony… and grab enough gold… he’d just have to ride East, and…

A knock on his door interrupted that train of thoughts, and Thorin came in, uninvited (who was being a bad example to Kili now?). He looked angry, but not more than usual.

“There was a council this morning,” their uncle informed them, “and you did not come. May I know why?”

“I was busy and forgot about it,” Fili admitted. “And since I was supposed to get Kili on my way there, he forgot too. It’s my fault, and I’m sorry. I won’t happen again.”

“Isn’t that what you say every time? You are my _heir_ , Fili, you cannot just _forget_ about your responsibilities. What will it take for you to start taking this seriously?”

“Come on uncle, don’t be so hard!” Kili protested. “He’s had a bad morning. He was _crying_ when I came in, you know.”

The young prince smiled at his brother, as if he’d just done something great and helpful, but Fili just blushed. How dared Kili say something like that to Thorin? It was already hard enough to maintain a good image in front of their uncle, he couldn’t have him thinking that Fili was some weak little thing that liked to cry alone in his office!

“I wasn’t!” he exclaimed, glaring at his brother. “Uncle, I am very sorry that I missed the council. I was reading the reports for the new norms in the mines, I didn’t notice the time, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, but I take full responsibility for the fact that it happened this time, and I was _not_ crying. Kili is _mistaken_.”

Thorin threw him a strange look then, one Fili couldn’t quite read… though he’d seen more and more lately. A new expression of his disappointment, probably. Some days, Fili wondered if he shouldn’t leave after all, just for a while, just to show his uncle what it’d be like if _Kili_ were his heir… Kili who never showed up in council unless his brother took him there, Kili who always found a way to escape work… Kili who still managed to be a favourite with the lords, because they liked how friendly and open he was, Kili who insulted people on a daily basis, but with such candor and good humour that no one seemed to mind, Kili who had enemies, but not as many as he had friends…

“How long have you been working with these reports?”Thorin asked.

“A couple days now… I’ll have a summary ready very soon, I promise. Tonight, if you want. I’m sorry that it’s taken so long already. I meant to have that finished, but Kit is having nightmares these days, so I didn’t sleep well and… not that I’m making excuses. I _should_ have finished that anyway. I’m sorry. I’ll get back to it right away and…”

“No. Go home,” Thorin ordered. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. Go home and rest.”

“I can do it uncle! I just need a little time, but you’ll have it tonight… this afternoon even!”

He’d just have to skip lunch. It wouldn’t be the first time. And he couldn’t let Thorin think that having Kit living with him meant he wasn’t able to work. They _couldn’t_ take her from him, she was _his_ daughter now, but he still didn’t want to risk it.

“You’ll finish it later,” Thorin replied, with that strange look on his face again. “It can wait a little, and you look like you haven’t slept in days. Maybe your mother is right, and you do work too much… And you are of no use to me if you can’t concentrate because you are tired. So go home, and sleep. The mines will wait.”

Fili almost protested that he could manage… but he was tired, and he hadn’t had much time with Kit since he’d started working on these reports… and if Thorin was in a good mood, he’d be a fool not to take advantage of it.

“Thank you, uncle. I’ll… go home now.”

“Good. And you, Kili, you’ll come with me. I need to visit lord Borin, and since he likes you for some reason, you are coming too.”

Kili groaned, as he did every time anyone asked anything of him, but he still rose from his chair, just as Fili rose from his, and the three of them started walking toward the door. At the last moment, Fili remembered Ori’s letter. He didn’t want to leave it there, where someone might come in and discover it, and if he was to have a free afternoon, he wanted to spend it with his daughter and the words of his One. He dashed back to his desk, took the letter, folded it carefully, and hid it in a pocket before going back to the others.

“You’re supposed to rest, not work,” Thorin reminded him, glaring at his pocket. “I meant that. I don’t want you falling asleep at the wrong moment just because you don’t know when to stop.”

“I will rest, uncle. That’s just something I’ll take care of quickly later, don’t worry.”

That got him a look from both his uncle and brother, but he didn’t care. He carefully closed his office’s door behind them, bade them a good afternoon, and as soon as he was out of view, he started running to his apartments.

It was a good day. Ori loved him, Thorin hadn’t yelled at him about the missed council, and he was getting an entire afternoon with his daughter. It was a _very_ good day.

Kit shouted in joy as soon as he opened the door of her nursery, and she jumped in his arms when he knelt to her level, holding her tight against his heart. He’d barely had any time for her lately, just enough for a story at night, if even that…

“I’ll have her this afternoon,” he told the nurse. “Could you go tell the cook that I’m eating here? You’ll have the rest of the day off so… go have fun, or rest, or do whatever you want. Sorry I didn’t warn you before, but…”

“It’s fine, your highness. And the princess was just saying how much she would have liked to play with you. That’s quite the happy coincidence.”

Fili smiled, but he felt guilty for having abandoned his daughter like that… he’d have to figure out a way to work better and faster, so that he’d have more time for her. What was the point of adopting her if he never was with her? He had to make it up to her, somehow.

“Could you ask the cook if there is any fruit paste? Strawberry, if they have any... Oh, and see if we can have apples sent here,” he quickly added, remembering Karad. “Thank you, and again, sorry that I didn’t warn in advance.”

The nurse insisted she didn’t mind, and left. Not long after, lunch was brought, along with the fruit paste and apples. Kit insisted on eating alone, of course, which meant there was more food around her mouth that inside it, and Fili had no choice but to clean her entirely afterward (he doubted that dress would _ever_ be white again… but since it was a present from Diat, he didn’t mind too much)

They played a little after, Kit laughing as he tickled her, trying to push him away… only to poke at him if he stopped, until he tickled her again. After a while, the child started dozing off, and Fili took her to his room. If there was any chance that she’d fall asleep it might as well be somewhere comfortable, and that way if he fell asleep too, he wouldn’t wake up with his back hurting him (which had happened last time he’d make the mistake of trying to sleep in _her_ bed).

Once they were settled, and Kit asleep, Fili took Ori’s letter out again.

He had meant to read it more calmly, to try to evaluate the situation, but seeing these three words again made him feel like his heart would explode. Ori loved him. After all these years, after he’d given up… Ori loved him, and the only thing in the way of their love was half of the world, Kili’s lies, and Ori’s condemnation to exile.

That wasn’t so much.

After all, they had reclaimed Erebor with worse odds than that, hadn’t they?

If his uncle had managed to become king, he could certainly get his lover home.

Fili felt himself blush had that idea. His lover. He wasn’t sure the word was the right one… was it enough to be in love to be lovers? As Ori had pointed out, they had never touched, would never touch until he came back to Erebor… they probably weren’t quite lovers yet, but Fili liked the word anyway. _Lovers_.

He laughed softly, trying to not wake Kit but feeling too happy to contain it.

Oh, he _would_ find a way to make Ori come back to Erebor..

One way or another, he _would_ get his lover _home_.


	17. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's day remains a good one

Fili was awakened by something moving against him and babbling cheerfully. He opened one eye, and seeing Kit playing with the buttons of his tunic, he couldn’t help a smile. She was alternating between sucking on them and trying to tear them away, but when she noticed that he was awake, she stopped and just laughed, and Fili laughed in return.

Bless Thorin for giving him this. It had been so long since he’d been able to just relax like that… and there was no formal dinner planned that night, not that he knew at least, so he had nothing to worry about until the next morning. Even with the long nap he’d just had, it left him with more free time than he’d had in… _years_ , probably. Since Ered Luin, he supposed.

Hours with nothing to do but play with Kit, and write to Ori once his daughter would be in bed. If _that_ wasn’t happiness, he didn’t know what qualified.

After a while though, he decided that his buttons did not make appropriate toys for a toddler. Especially since this was one of his favourite tunics. So he grabbed her (she giggled, thinking it was a new game) and decided to head back to the nursery, where all her toys were.  She had a lot of those. More than needed, probably, but there was so much choice available in the markets of Erebor, and Fili remembered when he was very little and all he had was a piece of fabric from an old dress and a stick that was supposed to be a sword. Things had been hard after Azanulbizar, and toys had been the least of their worries then.

So Kit had more toys than she could plays with, and that was not about to change, not if Fili had a choice in it.

Besides, he _liked_ her toys. The best ones came from Bifur’s shop and they were amazing. The ones for toddlers were nothing but soft curves and solid shapes, but even like that it was easy to recognize here a bear, there a dwarf… Fili’s favourite was a dog, but Kit seemed to prefer a fierce dragon. At least, he supposed it was her favourite. She was always chewing on it.

“You’re a bit late to try to fight dragons, jewel,” he told her, kissing the top of her head. “May this one be the only one you ever see. But I’ll tell you about the one I saw, when you’re older. Not that I saw much of it… maybe I’ll get Bilbo to tell you about it. He likes telling that story of how he faced a dragon. Will you want to hear it?”

Kit didn’t answer of course, but she bit furiously into her toy, and Fili laughed.

“You little… _daughter of Durin_!” he exclaimed, picking her up and kissing her. “You’re just two, jewel, you’re not supposed to be killing great worms already! You’ll get eaten if you keep that up, like this!”

She laughed as he pretended to bite her, hitting him on the head with her toy dragon until he let her go, the two of them giggling and breathless. If Thorin could see him now, he would probably say that Fili was childish, and that a prince of Erebor shouldn’t act that way… And Fili didn’t _care_. He was happy, as happy as he could ever be…

Well, not quite. True happiness, he thought, would be to also have Ori laughing with them. He hadn’t heard the other dwarf laugh often, because Ori had always been so guarded in his presence… but it wouldn’t be like that when they’d see each other again. Ori wouldn’t be afraid anymore, and Fili wouldn’t have to be so careful, wouldn't have to weigh his every word for fear he might reveal more than he ought to… Next time he would see Ori, he would be _allowed_ to be in love with him.

“Do you think you’ll get along with him?” he asked Kit. “I think yes. He’s nice to everyone, so of course you’ll like him. And you are the most adorable dwarfling the world has ever known, so he’ll be crazy about you, just like me.”

At least, Fili hoped so. He didn’t know what he’d do otherwise… if it turned out Ori couldn’t make himself like the child of two people who had hurt him so much… she was Fili’s daughter, but she still looked so much like Kili…

But no, Ori had always seemed happy that Kit made Fili happy, he’d asked after her in his latest letter… and when Fili had mentioned his dream of running away to the Orocarni, Ori had answered he’d be happy to welcome them both. Everything would be fine, and they’d be happy, the three of them...

A nasty smell coming from his daughter brought him back to reality. Ah. Well, that happened of course. He was glad that he’d learned to change diapers even before he’d first considered adopting her. It wasn’t his favourite part of fatherhood, but it still made him feel quite accomplished that he managed to do it… especially since Dis had told him Thorin had never quite mastered it.

“Come here, you stinky little jewel,” he grumbled, grabbing her. “Let’s get you all nice and clean, love. But let me tell you, I can’t wait for you to take care of that on your own. How can someone so small and cute make something that smells that bad?”

She babbled as if to reply, and he snorted.

“That’s no excuse at all, love,” he pretended to scold her. “ _Gya gya ba_ doesn’t explain that smell. But don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you. I love you far too much.”

He made quick work of cleaning her, and wondered what to do with the rest of the day. There were gardens on the side of the mountains that were still nice, thanks to the warm autumn they were having… and Kit loved playing in the grass. She also loved _eating_ grass, as well as any worm or bug that she could find, so he’d have to be careful, but it might be nice.

He was thinking about how he’d dress her, when there was a knock on the door. Fili froze, his daughter in his arms. Maybe Thorin had changed his mind and decided that he needed to work after all? But no, whoever it was this time, they hadn’t come in right away… meaning it wasn’t one of his relatives, since _they_ didn’t understand that basic politeness also applied to them. Still a little wary, he went to open the door…

And found the Lady Ari before him, smiling at him, a basket of apple at her arm.

“Good day, your highness. I hope I do not disturb you?”

“You never do, my lady.”

“Great. May I come in then? I would like to talk to you… It has been so long since we’ve had a little chat, after all!”

Fili nodded and let her in, feeling worried. He’d stopped talking to Ari when he had stopped getting letters from Ori, fearing she might get angry if he let it slip that it was his fault if her son no longer gave any news. He thought it strange that she’d come to him again on the very day he had news from Ori, but it might be a coincidence, and…

“I’ve brought apples for the raven,” she told him then. “I remember that it likes them, doesn’t it?”

“What?”

“Haven’t you received a letter from Ori?” she asked. “I thought…”

“I have actually,” Fili admitted. “But how do you know… I haven’t told anyone!”

Ari laughed softly. “One of your cook’s helps is good friend with one of our maids, and it’s not entirely impossible that I asked to be alerted if you ever ordered apples out of the blue… I hope you won’t mind, but Nori said in his last letter that Ori had written to you.”

Well, _that_ was a surprise.

“Nori wrote to you? How?”

“Strictly speaking, he wrote to Thorin… but a what's the weight of a second letter for a raven of the Orocarni? And it seems their Queen has some special birds reserved to her only that are _much_ faster that the one Ori has to use… though technically, the royal ravens can only be used on official matter, of course. Still, I’m currently waiting for Nori’s next letter myself, and from what he told me in the first one, it shouldn’t be much longer now.”

“Oh. Well, that’s… nice. And I suppose I don’t mind that you are corrupting my staff? I’m fairly sure they are all spies from Nori anyway. I’m starting to believe it just runs in your family.”

Ari laughed again, but Fili noted that she didn’t try to deny it. That was one interesting family he’d have if things worked out well for him and Ori. Emotionally stunted nobles on one side, lovable liars and manipulators on the other. Family gatherings would never be boring, if nothing else.

“I am certainly not as bad as my sons,” Ari protested. “I just want to make sure people are well, nothing more. And I am so glad that Ori and you managed to make it up. I still don’t understand how the two of you became friends in the first place… and how you managed to make Ori agree to write to _you_ , even though he wouldn’t say a word to _us_ after Thorin condemned him… but from what I could see in his letter, it made him rather happy to have you as a friend… I’m glad he has that again.”

_We’re not just friends, he **loves** me_, Fili almost replied. He didn’t, though. It wasn’t his place to tell Ori’s mother about such things. It would be his lover’s decision.

Still, he realized that it might be a problem for him to keep that secret. He _wanted_ to tell people... someone... _anyone_ … but he couldn’t. There had been a time, years ago, when he would just have told Kili, but that had stopped being an option long ago. Thorin never was an option; he knew of Fili’s feelings for ori, but had said more than once how much he disapproved.. He might have told Dis… but Fili had never dared to tell her that he loved his brother’s lover, and he still wasn’t sure of her reaction. She had liked Ori well enough, but still… and if Nori didn’t want her involved in the plan to bring Ori home, than it would probably be best to leave her out of… _other things_ as well.

Which meant it was a secret he’d have to carry alone for a while… at least, it was a nicer secret than when he’d been hopelessly in love with someone he’d never have.

“You seem terribly thoughtful, my prince,” Ari noted, worried. “Ori and you _are_ on better terms again, aren’t you? Nori said so, but…”

“We are!” Fili quickly answered, blushing. “I think… I think our friendship was only made stronger now that… now that we’ve been able to say things clearly.”

“Wonderful! Now, I didn’t come just to give apples. I wanted to invite you to have dinner with us tonight, if you’d like? It would be just us, a little private gathering of friendly conspirators… Dori, Balin, you, and me of course… and the young princess is more than welcome too.”

“Conspirators?”

“Isn’t that what we are? It is for a good cause, the return of my poor Ori, but I’m afraid we are conspiring nonetheless… and we might as well conspire around a roast chicken and some nice wine, don’t you think? I’ll be cooking myself, I gave the maid her evening so that we can all talk without fear of being overheard.”

Fili smiled, and nodded. He felt… strangely honoured to be included in that. He was still surprised that Nori had chosen to involve him in his plan concerning Ori, to be honest. He wasn’t anything to them… well, that wasn’t quite right. He _was_ something to them: the brother of the dwarf who for years had taken advantage of and hurt a son, a brother…

Some days, he thought it was a small miracle that Dori, Nori and Ari talked to him at all.

“Wonderful,” Ari exclaimed. “Oh, you could come right now if you want? Dori will be home, and I don’t think anything could please him more than to play with your little princess while I cook and you talk to him.”

“I’d have to change her dress first,” Fili admitted. “She… tried to eat on her own.”

Ari made a grimace that said well enough that she knew the problem.

“I remember when Nori was her age… He was a true horror. Dori had been such a quiet baby, I wasn’t prepared for that. Thank the Maker, Ori was more like Dori. I wouldn’t have survived a second Nori.”

“I don’t think the _world_ would survive a second Nori,” Fili retorted with a shudder. “Fine, I’ll get her dressed quickly, and we can go… would it be okay to help you cook though? I’m… It’s been a while since I got to do that, and you said we were _friendly_ conspirators, I’d like to help? I mean, I’ll understand if you think I’ll be in the way, of course, I just…”

He didn’t finish, unsure what to say, and shifted his arms around Kit. He was fairly sure princes weren’t supposed to _miss_ the time when they worked in a forge and had to help in the kitchen because they just had enough money to feed and dress, and servants were out of the question. And how could he say something like that to Ari, whose family hadn’t been half as well off as his?

“I’m sure that Dori will be perfectly happy to have the baby all to himself,” Ari assured him. “The real problem will be to get her back later.”

Fili smiled and thanked, before quickly going to put a clean dress on his daughter. That wasn’t so easy to do. Kit didn’t like getting dressed, and she made it clear… but in the end, he still managed to make her wear a lovely little blue dress, a present from Balin for her second birthday. When he came back to the main room, he discovered Karad on his table, eating pieces of apple cut for her by Ari.

That was a relief. It felt like he’d been holding his breath all day, wondering if the bird would come back or not… And now that was one thing less to worry about. Karad hadn’t run away again. He would be able to write to Ori.

Today was a good day.

 

Just as Ari had predicted, Dori was delighted to see Kit and he played with her while Fili helped Ari cook. When Balin joined, he tried to come chat with the prince, but his husband forced him to help entertain the young princess… and Balin didn’t look like he minded at all.

They had a nice evening. They talked of Ori, of course, mostly to wish there was more they could do for him, while feeling relieved that at least, he was doing well where he was. Ari didn’t seem too happy with the idea that her youngest son was just as involved in politics as his siblings, and the fact that Nori had introduced lord Thelor as an old friend didn’t help, but as she said, there was nothing she could do about it.

Fili was glad to know that Ori had been informed of their little plot, and that with the help of Nori, he was trying to remember everything he could about Jerin’s pas thefts in the treasury. As far as he was concerned, a plan that could both bring Ori home to him and rid the world of a dwarf like Jerin was a good plan.

They also talked about nicer things, though, like the celebrations there would be for Durin’s day, Kit’s first teeth, and whether they would get a cold winter or not. It was a nice change from eating alone, or having to listen to Thorin and Dis discuss legislations that needed to be passed while Diat and Kili complained about the latest gossips her friends were spreading.

Fili liked it there, and he could have kissed Ari when she said he’d have to come more often.

He just wished he could have stayed later, but Kit was getting sleepy, and she didn’t like being anywhere but in her own bed for the night, so he had to go home. He thanked them all for the lovely evening though, and offered to invite them one night, if they wished.

It had been a good day, and a wonderful evening.

He put Kit in her bed, the child half asleep already, and kissed her brow gently.

“Things are changing, jewel,” he whispered to her. “Things are going to get better, you’ll see. And do you know? I have a secret for you. I can only tell you, so don’t repeat it. Are you ready, jewel? _Ori loves me, and we’re going to get him home_. That’s our secret. Isn’t it a nice one?”

He kissed her again, feeling both very silly and very happy to have been able to say that aloud at last. And once Kit was asleep at last, he went to his desk, and started writing.

 

_“Dear Ori_

_“My dear, dearest, darling Ori,_

_“I keep reading your letter again and again, because I can’t quite believe what you say. It feels like a dream come true… and I’m terrified I might wake up. I had entirely given up on such a thing happening, I was just hoping I could be your friend at least… Just that would have made me happy, so to read that you love me… Ori, there are no words to describe the way I feel now. Happy wouldn’t even begin to cover it, my darling._

_“May I call you that? There are so many names I want to give you, Ori, but if you do not like it, if it makes you uncomfortable, just tell me and I will stop. I understand that you still have doubts about… all of this. I will not be easy, not until you can come back… and I trust your brother when he says he will bring you back someday. Until then, letters will have to do…_

_“I wish I could at least ask to court you, but all I could offer to you would be a secret thing. My family would never give me permission to make this official, not with you in exile… and you deserve better than a secret affair. But when you are back, my darling, I will ask to court you, before I do anything else. That is, if you want me to? I will of course understand if… past experiences have disgusted you of the prospect of entering the royal family, or if you just do not wish to have for a brother-in-law the dwarf who hurt you so much._

_“But whatever you decide, I am yours, my love, any way you will have me._

_“And now, for news… though I suppose you had some from your mother already. What can I add to what she said to you? I could tell you that Dwalin seems in a dreadful mood these days. I don’t not have your talent in these things, but I am now almost certain that there is something between him and Nori… he says he just misses having someone to drink with him, but Balin told me that Nori hadn’t told him where he was going, nor for how long, and that has been a hard blow. It seems I am not the only one in this mountain to suffer because of love, distance, and the impossible charms of a son of Ari._

_“You lot are nothing but a bunch of heartbreakers._

_“And I personally don’t mind one bit._

_“What more can I tell you, my love? Bifur’s toy shop is doing very well. I am probably their main customer… but they do such good work! It keeps getting better and better, and I wish I could send you something they made… I’m sure you don’t have anything half as nice as this in the Orocarni. Bombur’s twins are born… two girls! Can you imagine that? Two girls at once! Between them and Kit, people are starting to say that the Company has truly been blessed by Mahal, and that Erebor is a lucky place for dwarves. And they are pretty babies, too… though not as pretty as Kit. No one can be as pretty as her._

_“She’s old enough to start walking now, you know. Well, I say walk… run would be more exact. She can’t stay in place, and she’s always laughing. She is very ticklish, and it’s a fact that we both enjoy very much. She’s also quite the charmer. I had dinner with your family tonight, and let me tell you that Kit had Dori and Balin wrapped around her finger. And she’s just two! I am going to worry a lot once she turns fifty and starts trying to flirt. You will have to help me, love, or I might just murder everyone that dares to look at my little girl… and she’ll be my little girl until she’s two hundred at least!_

_“Or she’ll be our little girl. I think I could share her with you. Maybe._

_“I do not know what else to say. If I listened to myself, I would cover the rest of this letter with ‘I love you’ and variations of it… it is all I’ve been able to think of since this morning. I love you, I love you so much, and I still can’t believe you love me. Today has been the most beautiful day of my life, my darling, and that’s all thanks to you._

_“I love you, more than I could say._

_“I love you and I miss you._

_“I love you and I am yours, entirely._

_“Fili._


	18. letters once more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time passes, and a few things are discussed

Fili wasn’t quite sure how it happened exactly, but before long, it became a habit to have dinner once a week with Ari, Dori and Balin. The first few times had happened at Ari’s, but they soon decided that it was more practical to do that in Fili’s apartments. If nothing else, it meant that they could stay later, since it was easier to put Kit to bed.

It felt nice to be around people and not constantly have to watch what he was saying. Beside the fact that he was in love with Ori, Fili didn’t have anything to hide from them, and they didn’t seem to mind that he wasn’t always everything that a prince ought to be. Ari even liked to trade recipes with him, and she promised him to teach him her best desserts when they would have time.

It didn’t mean that Thorin was less demanding the rest of the time (he was as bad as ever), that Kili wasn’t a nuisance (he’d decided that he wanted a raven, and kept bothering Fili about that), that Dis wasn’t too busy to have time for him (she’d _always_ been busy, even in Ered Luin, but she used to make time for her sons… but it was time they learnt to live their own lives Thorin said, and so Fili tried). Some things were still bad, but he had a few good ones to compensate.

And when after a couple months a new letter from Ori arrived at last, it was the best of these good things.

  
  


“My dear Fili

“Your letter made me so happy and so sad! I’m afraid I cried a bit… good thing Nori’s still here for the moment… Being away from you might be even harder than I thought, but I suppose that’s only more motivation to try to remember things for our secret plan! And I do try hard, and things come back slowly. Nori seems happy enough with the things I tell him, so there’s hope!

“I am so happy that you still feel the same way! It really was a concern… I know the letters Nori gave me said you did, but I was afraid that you’d be angry that I had believed you wouldn’t write on purpose! Thanks for not being angry, and thank you for the wonderful, beautiful things you wrote to me…

“Speaking of that, I must tell you that I would indeed be very happy to be courted by you! Even a secret courting, even with the distance… And if you don’t like doing it secretly, you can always ask my mother! She likes you a whole lot. In her last letter, she said you were polite and nice and rather adorable. You apparently remind her of a puppy (but Kit is a cat, she said). She meant that in a good way though! Don’t take offence, please? It was just her way of saying that she likes you… so if you are serious about wanting to court me, you can ask her. Or if that was just a joke, then forget I said anything! I tend to take things too seriously, and it’s even more difficult with written words.

“Speaking of words, you may call me however you wish! I do like darling, it makes me feel… precious, if that makes sense? Like I am important… And I liked ‘my love’ a lot too, but be careful with that one, because it made me so happy I had to put down your letter a moment to calm down. May I find sweet words to call you too?  I’ve never really done that in the past, because I’ve always been told it was… ridiculous, but if you do it, maybe I can try too? I’ll try to pick one that’s not too silly. You are a prince after all! So if I find an idea, I’ll share it with you and you can tell me if it’s acceptable.

“Still on the subject of what is acceptable, I forgot to ask before, but do you mind if I remain friend with Thren? Nothing will ever happen between him and me now, I promise you that! But I like being friend with him, he’s fun to chat with… and he has Nori’s stamp of approval! But if you’d rather I stopped talking to him, I will of course.

“Although I must say I can’t stop talking to him completely, not even if I want to. I have to see him fairly often to send messages on behalf of Lord Thelor. And there are a lot of these lately… it’s all because of Nori of course. Nori and Thorin. I’m afraid I can’t say more than that… but I’m sure you’ll hear about this soon enough anyway, so why would I tell you now? You know, Nori and Thelor keep reminding me that I can’t tell you about certain things… I’m fairly offended by that. I never told you anything you couldn’t know before, do they really think I’ll do it now just because my feelings for you have changed? I mean, I have a fairly good track record in these things! I know I’ve messed up many things in my life, but when it comes to keeping secrets, I’ve been pretty good!

“But enough on that, it just makes me angry that they trust me so little… and I don’t want to be angry when I write to you. I want to make you smile, as much as you make me smile… and that’s quite the task, trust me, because I’ve had the most foolish of grins on my face since I receive your letter. It’s been hard to look calm and distant during work hours, because I just felt so happy!

“Still, I’m sure I can find good news to give you. My friend Hara, the orc, is going to be an aunt very soon! Her sister is with child, and you should see how happy that makes her! There was a party to celebrate the other night, and she invited Nori and me. Apparently it’s a great honour, because few non-orcs are allowed at such celebrations… they take pregnancies very seriously and it is very sacred to officially announce the future arrival of a new child. Hara told me it’s because each new birth takes them further away from the Darkness that created the orcs. She allowed me to take notes and draw a few things there, because she thinks it can’t harm to have anyone show that the free orcs aren’t so bad. She’s even said that I could come visit her village one day, if I want!

“The eldest prince, Khim, is trying to learn Westron. He’s not very good at it, but he tries very hard. He comes to see me for help sometimes, and we trade: I help him with Westron, he helps me with Eastron… technically. We often end up just talking, really. He likes hearing stories about the West, he says it sounds like a very exotic place. He says he’d love to visit Erebor if he could.

I’ve managed to get Nori drunk a little while ago! He thought he could eat more hot pepper than me. Turns out, he couldn’t. And no one told him that the best way to deal with the burn is to eat bread, so he tried to calm it with wine… and that wasn’t such a good idea. He was a bit hungover the next day, and he kept saying he hated me because I was smiling… well, that will teach him to not take me seriously!

“What else can I tell you to make you smile? Karad is a sweetie, as always. She seemed very happy to be able to travel once more. She really is a restless bird! Well, I suppose that’s good for us, isn’t it? I just wish she were a little faster. The royal ravens can go and come back so fast! If Karad were as fast as them, it would only take her two months to bring back your answers… Just two months! It would be so quick! Though I suppose it would still feel very long… I’m just wishing more and more that I could come back… I had grown really used to life here, and I didn’t mind so much the idea of staying here for the rest of my life, but now I feel restless. I want to be in Erebor, I want to see you, I want to talk to you, I want to hold your hand and to kiss you… but it will take some time, Nori says. He can’t do anything until he’s back… and there’s still a few things for him to do here. I can’t quite complain about that. I’m so happy to have him here! I just wish I could have him and you.

“Well, look at the size of that letter! I’ll end it soon now. I just have a request… well, it’s not so much a request. You don’t have to if you don’t want to! Only, I’d like it a lot if you sent me a portrait of yourself… it’s been such a long time, sometimes I can’t quite remember what you look like… Please don’t take that the wrong way? There’s things I remember, your hair, and the way you move when you fight, but I can’t remember your smile, or your eyes, or things like that… Oh, and would you please send a portrait of Kit too? After all that you’ve said about her, I’d love to know what she looks like. 

“I hope to hear from you soon

“I love you

“Ori

  
  


_"Dear Ori,_

_"I would never joke with you on a subject as important as courting, my love. I truly want to be yours and yours only. But while I have your permission, I would prefer to wait before asking your mother’s permission, at least until Nori is back and can testify that my intentions are honourable. After what happened with Kili, I do not think she will be thrilled with having you courted by a prince again… and since your brother is the only person who knows, I want to have his opinion before I do anything. But please, do not think that’s because I am not serious about this. I only want to do this as right as I can and if I could, I would send you courting gifts already, my darling, or even an engagement bead, to prove how little I am joking._

_"Concerning Thren, of course you can be friend with him! I would never dare to demand the right to decide to whom you may or may not offer your friendship. I have felt anger and jealousy toward him, I’ll admit him, but what sort of a dwarf would I be if I forbid you to have certain friends? Beside, I trust you, my love. And even if you and Thren should exchange… more than friendship, I wouldn’t blame you, if that is what it takes to fight loneliness. You are so far away, my darling, and I can’t hold you when you feel sad, so what right would I have to be angry if you go to someone who offers you comfort when I can’t?_

_"On a nicer subject, if you want suggestions for pet names, I’d suggest my sun and stars. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Or my beloved king maybe. I think brave lion would fit me rather well too. It feels like the barest minimum, really._

_"I jest, of course. Call me whatever you want, my love. You could join your mother in calling me a puppy, and I would be quite happy. Any name given by you will be more precious than a grand title. You do not need to worry about offending me. If I do not like something I will tell you, but I find that unlikely, my darling._

_"With this settled, I must say I am glad that things seem so well for you. I don’t think I will ever get used to you calling an orc your friend, but if you do, I suppose it must be deserved. I am getting quite intrigued about these free orcs now… do you think you could give some copies of your notes to Nori? I want to understand how these creatures behave when they are… civilized. It is such a strange notion! Do you know, before your letter, I had never realized that orcs must have children too? I never thought about where they come from. I suppose that makes me no better than Men are when they think we are born from stone._

_"Here, things aren’t so bad either. I get along quite well with Dori and your mother these days. She’s teaching me new recipes, and your brother has decided that he would teach me about fabrics and what colours go well together, and by the time you come back, I might very well be a very fashionable dwarf. Thorin even told me he appreciated the extra care I put in my clothes these days, and that it was good to see me finally looking a little more like a proper prince._

_"Speaking of uncle, he’s ordered me to start studying the Orocarni. He asked if I knew anything about it, and it was hard to keep a blank face to say that I’d read about it sometimes, but nothing much. He said it had to be my main task until new orders. What a chore. Reading about the Orocarni, which is a topic I have no interest into at all. Alas, these are my uncle’s orders and I can’t help it… nevermind that I’ve already read everything we have at least once after I forced Nori to tell me where he sent you to. Which means I actually have a lot of free time lately, since re-reading everything and taking notes is pretty quick. That means more time to spend with Kit, and I can’t complain about that._

_“Kit is on good way to becoming friend with some of Bombur’s kids. I took her with me to see the twins not long ago, and while they are a little young to play with, Bombur has a boy who is just ten, and Kit adored him. She seemed delighted to have such a grown-up dwarf play with her, and she tried to imitate him in everything, it was very sweet. I’ve promised Bombur I would bring her again. She needs to make friends after all. It’s easy to forget for me, because I had Kili… but she’s an only child, so she’ll have to find companions outside of her family. That’s probably just as well._

_“Bofur and Bilbo are in Erebor at the moment. It’s nice, and I had missed them a lot. Mostly, I had missed Bilbo’s cooking, let’s be honest. Hobbits have a way with food. I don’t know how they make everything so good. The thing he does to vegetables! I know you don’t like greens too much, love, but that’s only because you’ve never really tasted what Bilbo can do to them. i’m very tempted to ask him to teach me a thing or two… that way, when you’re home, I’ll be able to feed you with recipes coming from the greatest food lovers in the world._

_“Gimli is keeping secrets from me. It has to do with the elves. We’ve had prince Legolas come quite often to Erebor, as you might have understood from my letters. He’s his father’s ambassador. But he’s grown to like us dwarves it seems… or at least, he likes Gimli a fair deal… and I think he wants to show him around Mirkwood, just like Gimli has shown him our mountain. At least, that’s what I understood from his hints that it would be good to have dwarves come to his father’s kingdom to show our good will. Gimli denies everything, of course, but I’ve asked Oin, and he said he’d caught his nephew reading about trees lately. It really feels like the world is changing, my love! If a dwarf and an elf can make each other appreciate places where they don’t belong, I’d say there really is hope for the future._

_"What else can I tell you, my darling? I suppose I could say once more that I love you dearly, and that I miss you. I don’t tire of saying the first, and I long for the day when I’ll never have to say the second again._

_"I love you._

_"Fili._

_"PS: find enclosed a drawing of me and Kit, as requested. She’s much cuter in reality, and I’m not quite that handsome, but somehow people don’t dare to draw the defects of the heir apparent to the throne, for some mysterious reason._

  
  


"Dear Fili

"I would never betray you with another dwarf, not even with your permission. I’d rather be lonely than do this to you. I know too well what it’s like to feel jealous, to imagine your lover in the arms of another, and it is a pain I couldn’t bear to inflict to you! I am glad that you don’t mind if I remain friend with Thren, but I promise on my honour that we will never again be more than friends!

"But I’m glad I can talk to him. I do feel a little alone here now. Nori left last week. I am starting to regret that he came at all. I miss him so much now, and I miss my mother, and Dori, and you, more than I had in a very long time. I had grown used to being here alone, and I was fine, but Nori’s visit reminded me of all that I’ve left behind, and it’s hard to go on with my life.

"The only good side to his departure is that I gave him a present for you, my sweet! (do you mind if I call you that? Only, you’ve always been so sweet and nice to me… So I thought that sweet, or maybe honey would work? Honey is a good one too I think, because you’re sweet and you look like you’re made of gold… at least, that’s what I thought sometimes)

"Anyway, about that, present… I can’t tell you what it is! But I hope you will like it. It’s nothing extraordinary, but I made it myself, and I did my best to make something tolerable. It’s not often one gets to make a present for the heir to the throne… or a first courting gift. Which is what this is. (by the way, Nori agrees it’s better if you wait until he’s here to properly ask to court me. He should get to Erebor soon after this letter, I think? No more than a few weeks after. So maybe you should keep Karad a little? I hope that doesn’t sound selfish, but I so want to know what you think of my gift… and what mama will say)

"I am trying so hard to find things to tell you… there are so many things happening at the moment, but I’m not allowed to talk about any of them. It’s terribly frustrating. I don’t want to send you such a short letter! Only, I might have to. Talking about work is forbidden, and talking about the things I’ve done for fun with Nori just makes me so sad right now… I miss Erebor so much. Which is strange, because I don’t have any happy memories there, not really… but all the people I love the most are there.

"I wish I could be there with you and Kit. She looks so sweet! Is it strange if I say she has your smile? Because she does. When I saw her portrait, it just reminded me of the way you smiled when you forgot you had to be serious. It’s the smile you had on when we all sang and laughed at Bilbo’s, or where the entire company had fun at Rivendell while your uncle talked to lord Elrond. It makes me happy that she has your smile, because it means you must be smiling at her a lot.

"I cannot wait for the day I meet her at last. I so hope she’ll like me! Sometimes at night I wonder what I’d do if she doesn’t like me. It’s a very scary thought, and I hope it doesn’t happen!

"I miss you, my sweet

"and I love you so very much

"Ori

"PS: I don’t think the artist made you too handsome. You’ve always been a beautiful dwarf, and I think they captured that perfectly, my love.


	19. Ori's gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori's back to Erebor

By the time Nori finally came back to Erebor, Fili had almost written back to Ori a dozen times. It had been near two months since he’d received his lover’s letter, and he hadn’t liked staying so long without giving news (and Kili’s obsession with getting a raven of his own had come back, worse than before) but Ori had said he’d like to know how Fili liked his courting gift, and what Ari would say about that courting…

Still, one more week, and Fili would have written anyway.

Nori’s first stop was to see Thorin, of course, and Fili wasn’t invited. Dwalin and him waited at the door, and the prince wondered which one of them would get to have some time with the spy first.

It was Dwalin.

Not that Fili could really blame them. Well, he felt rather angry that Nori would chose his own carnal needs above his brother and his prince’s happiness, but he couldn’t blame him.

But he really wished that when Nori had finally deigned to come see him, it hadn’t been in the middle of the night, and by coming in through the living-room window. No one was supposed to be able to come through that window. Nori himself had said so. Apparently,  “no one” meant “not a single person in the world except for me because if it’s impossible it’s fun”.

And while Fili liked Nori a fair deal, waking up to the sight of him was not exactly a positive experience.

Nori’s smile was a thing no one should have ever had to wake up to.

“Come on, princeling, you look like you weren’t expecting me,” the older dwarf sniggered.

“I wasn’t. Not so soon. Surprised Dwalin let you go already.”

“He’ll never know I even left if we get this over with soon enough. Got two things for you, kid. Here’s the first,” Nori said, taking a book from somewhere inside his tunic. Fili took it reverently, and gasped when he opened it.

On the first page was a drawing of Karad, with a few words in Ori’s hand that said “our favourite messenger. Hope she won’t mind I used another one for this”. On the second page was a bed surrounded by books and a few tunics lying on the floor: “I really should clean up my room, but drawing is more fun”. The third page was a severe dwarf with a dark skin and hair that must have been gray or white, glaring in the general direction of the looker: “Lord Thelor didn’t like it when I asked him to pose for me… grumpy old thing! But he’s nicer than he looks.” The fourth page was a view of the royal palace “I still get lost sometimes”, the fifth was carvings on a wall “that’s the sort of things I learned to do when I first came here… but mine weren’t that pretty!”.

When Fili tried to look at the sixth page, Nori stopped him.

“I’ve been ordered to not be here when you look at this,” he explained. “It is a courting gift, it’s meant to be private, princeling. And speaking of courting… Did you tell our mam in the end?”

“No, I… was waiting for you? I don’t want to… I don’t want to be like Kili and force her to accept. I… I want her to know she can say no… I’ll respect it if she doesn’t want me to court Ori.”

“Will you really?”

“Yes,” Fili said firmly, fingers clenching on the book he still held. “I want to do this right. If your mother thinks Ori and I shouldn’t be together, then I’ll understand… as long as I can at least be friend with him…”

He could live with just being friend with his lover, if Ari didn’t give her blessing. He didn’t think she’d deny him that, because she seemed to like him well enough, and if she still refused, he’d try to convince her, to prove that he wasn’t like Kili, that he’d never hurt Ori…

Not more than he already had, at least.

He probably wouldn’t tell her that he’d never dared to try to help the dwarf he loved, that the most he’d ever done had been to tell Thorin things didn’t look so fine…

No, Ari didn’t need to know that.

And if she still didn’t want Ori and him to be courting, he’d accept it, because he was trying to be a good dwarf, and he’d tell Ori that they’d have to wait until he was back to talk again of such things… And certainly, Ori would convince her, if he wanted to. There was nothing Ari could refuse her youngest son, everyone knew that.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Fili son of Dis,” Nori told him. “Don’t ever tell Ori that you’d let go of him just because you’re not getting permission. He won’t like that, trust me. And you should learn to be a little more… _selfish_ , let’s say.”

“Aren’t old people supposed to tell youngsters that they are too selfish?”

“First: fuck you kid, I’m not old. Second: kids are supposed to be selfish and a little stupid, especially kids in love. You’re allowed to want him even if others tell you that you shouldn’t. He certainly does.”

Fili blushed, and Nori sniggered.

“Oh, you like hearing that, princeling? You’ll hear it again, trust me. Tomorrow night, you’re having dinner with me and the family, and we’re going to talk ‘bout you and Ori. Dress smart, and bring a nice dessert. And get your kid a good babysitter, we’re going to stay up late. Once we’ve made everyone accept the fact that Ori wants to shag you as much as you want to shag him, we’re going to talk about how to get him back home.”

“You want to tell your mother now? So soon?”

“Kid, if I have things my way, Ori will be back in less than a year. Of course I want to tell the old girl now. But first, I need my beauty sleep. Going back to Dwalin now, see you… at some point tomorrow, if I can manage to wake up.”

Nori took a few steps toward the door, then turned back, grabbed his chin, and kissed him on the lips with a wet sound.

“What was that for?” Fili shouted when Nori let him go.

“I said I had two things for you from Ori, didn’t I? Well, that was the second. He kissed me on the cheek of course, but I don’t think that’s what he’d have done if he’d had you in front of him, so I decided I’d give you the true spirit of his present. Don’t thank me, you’re welcome.”

“I hate you.”

“Not a thing to say to your future brother in law, kid,” Nori replied with a wink. “Not when he’s your best chance at convincing your future mother in law that you’re a good match for her baby. Be nice to me, or I’ll tell her your hammer’s too small to keep Ori happy.”

Nori easily avoided the pillow thrown at him, and before Fili could grab another one, he had left.

Fili wondered if he should try to go back to sleep, but that soon turned out to be impossible. He was far too nervous over the prospect of telling Ari that her youngest son had once more caught the eye of a prince... 

That, and he just wanted to have a first look at Ori’s drawings. He’d look again in the daylight, when he’d be properly awake, but he had to see them a first time, to discover where his lover was living and the people who were now part of his life. Gabilbizar looked like a beautiful place, very different from Erebor, but he rather liked that. And the people all seemed nice, though it might just have been because Ori was drawing them, and he tended to think the best of people. But it made Fili glad to know that his lover was surrounded by good people… and a little sad, too, because it would be difficult for Ori to leave them when the day came, wouldn’t it? And what if he decided he didn’t want to leave after all?

He was a great lord’s help in the East. He was someone important. But in the West, he’d probably have to start from scratch again to get people’s respect, and some people might still judge him badly for what had happened with Kili. Ori’s life was probably better in the East, Fili thought as he turned to the last page, and all the prince could give him was…

Fili’s mind went blank when his eyes fell on the last page.

It was a drawing of Ori himself.

I was a drawing of nothing but Ori, sitting on the side of his bed, wearing… _nothing_.

No wonder the young dwarf had told Nori that he shouldn’t be there when Fili would look at his drawing. The prince wasn’t sure he could have kept a blank face in front of his lover’s brother.

Oh Mahal, he hoped that Nori hadn’t decided to have a look inside?

Fili mentally slapped himself. _Of course_ Nori had had a look inside. He was _Nori_. The best he could hope for was that he hadn’t looked at the entire book. Which was a fool’s hope. It wasn’t like Nori to leave things half done.

It was the most embarrassing thing ever.

And Fili would have died of sheer embarrassment if he hadn’t been busy trying being aroused by that damn drawing. Part of him told him it was wrong to react that way. The part that he’d listened since he’d first fallen for Ori, before the other dwarf was even old enough to court. The part that had told him it was wrong to lust after a dwarf of barely sixty, the part that had told him that he shouldn’t want his brother’s lover, the part that had repeated to him that Ori was too far away and that his friendship was already more than he deserved.

But if Ori had sent him that drawing, then it must have meant that he didn’t mind that Fili could want him, mustn’t it? He wouldn’t have sent a naked picture of himself if that hadn’t been okay, would he?

And there was a legend with with that drawing, just as there had been one for all the others. It was a short one, but reading it made Fili blush even harder. It just said “someday”.

It definitely had to be okay to _want_ Ori, then. Hadn’t it?

Fili sighed.

“You’re not making this easy for me, love,” he told the drawing accusingly. “Now I’ll have to ask if you mind if I think about like that, and I don’t think anything could be more embarrassing than that. And I have to see you mother later on! How am I supposed to face her now that I know what you look like under those big cardigans you loved so much?”

He glared at the picture, as if it might answer, but his frown didn’t last long. He couldn’t even pretend to be angry, not with the way Ori looked both bashful and determined on that drawing.

Fili sighed again, closed the book, and put it safely on his night table. He really hoped that the message had been that he was allowed to desire Ori, because he wouldn’t be able to help himself now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is short  
> and sorry it's not very good  
> but I'm back to school, and I could write all day and I needed to have something posted tonight just to prove myself I could  
> Plus I just want to get things moving again


	20. making plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ari is informed that her youngest son is being courted  
> and Nori shares his

Fili didn’t even know why he was so nervous. He’d had dinner with Ari and Dori plenty of times. They had talked of Ori plenty of times. He’d never made a fool of himself, he’d always been rather polite and charming, and they liked him, and he had Nori on his side. Everything would be fine.

He hoped everything would be fine, because he wasn’t sure what he’d do otherwise.

He didn’t want to give up on Ori, not when the other dwarf was just starting to love him back, not when he was just starting to allow himself to _want_ Ori without too much guilt… but he’d have to give up on him if Ari objected. Nori could say what he wanted, but Fili wanted to do things right. Ori deserved to have things done right.

Taking a deep breath, Fili knocked on the door, and Ari immediately came to open.

“Hello, Fili! Come in! You’re just on time, I was going to start pestering my sons for some help… My, what a nice tunic! That shade of blue is nice on you… oh, but you’d better go sit with the boys then, we don’t want you to get dirty.”

“No, it’s fine!” the prince quickly protested. “I’ll just… remove it while we cook. What are we making? Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, I brought a cake! I didn’t have time to make it myself, but it’s from one of Bombur’s places, so it should be fairly good.”

Ari thanked him and went to put the cake somewhere safe (safe from Nori she said, and her son protested against such attacks on his honour). Fili quickly removed his tunic and with just his shirt on, he went to join Ari in the kitchen to help her with a chicken. After a moment Dori came to join them, mostly to escape Nori, and Balin wasn’t long in hiding to the kitchen too. Nori, having no one to bother, was forced to come too, and his mother made him do the washing up, the only thing he was good at according to her.

Once everything was done and they just had to wait for the chicken to cook, Nori suggested they all tried a bottle of something he’d bought in the East, “to celebrate”.

“And what exactly are we celebrating?” Ari asked, sniffing suspiciously the clear liquid. “Your plan to bring Ori back? I hope not. If we start celebrating every time you have a clever idea, we’ll never be sober again.”

“We’ll celebrate that when he’s actually with us. But it is something about Ori, yes. Our baby found himself a lover, and that lover wants to court him.”

“Oh.”

Fili blushed when the other three looked at him. There was a certain worry on their face. They must have thought he was an intruder, he decided. They probably wondered why Nori had asked him to come, since he wasn’t family, and any minute now Ari would ask him to leave, because he had no place among them at the moment, and…

“I must say, I’ve met Ori’s boyfriend, and I like him,” Nori said. “Good lad. Serious, hard working. He’s got an important position, but just because he can’t escape the family business. He’s not too ugly either. His family is _shit_ , so big gatherings are going to be pretty animated, but still, I’m personally all in favour of it.”

“Your good opinion is not exactly something in his favour,” Dori noted. “When you say he’s Ori’s lover…”

“These two idiots haven’t even _kissed_ yet, if that’s what you’re asking. Not for lack of wanting it, but things are a bit complicated. Beside, the lad told me he refused to court Ori without mama’s permission, because he’s the sort of idiot who believes in doing things right. Stupid, if you ask me, but some people are ridiculously noble like that, and I think he means it.”

Fili glared at him, but Ari nodded approvingly.

“He sounds like a good boy,” she decided. “Can’t be worse than the last, anyway. Does this one love Ori?”

“Has for years, but never dared to say anything until recently,” Nori informed her with a smirk. “And Ori’s quite taken too. In a more… _healthy_ way than he was with Kili, I’d say. I honestly think it’s a good thing, their little love story. Good for both of them.”

“Won’t that be a problem when we get Ori back?” Balin asked with a side glance to Fili. “Will that dwarf agree to come here with him, or might he want to keep Ori in the East? We’ll have to adjust our plans a little if…”

“Won’t be a problem,” Nori announced. “Ori’s lover isn’t in the Orocarni.”

“He isn’t?”

Fili looked down at his glass of… whatever it was Nori had served them. He’d never believed in drinking to find courage, but he was starting to see the appeal of it.

“Oh, so Fili finally made a move, is what you’re trying to say?” Ari asked. “Well, it was about time.”

Both the prince and her second son stared at her in shock, but she just laughed.

“Boys, I’m old, not blind or stupid. He’s the only one who thought to ask Ori to write I can’t say I was too happy when I realized it, but I don’t mind so much now. You are a good boy, and if you want to court my baby, you have my blessing.”

“Well, you’ve just ruined all my fun,” Nori grumbled. “Thanks for nothing.”

Fili tried to remember how to breathe. Ari knew. She’d known before, and she didn’t mind, she hadn’t tried to yell at him, she hadn’t told him to never get near her son… she’d known all along and she’d still been nice to him, had still talked to him and invited him for dinner

Maybe she’d thought she had no choice? Some people did. He knew he had to be careful, his mother had always told him he had to be careful, because a request from him could be taken as an order.

“You’re allowed to not want me to court Ori,” he said. “I’ll understand, after… after what happened.”

Ari tilted her head and looked at him, surprise clear on her face.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes! Of course I do!”

“Then that’s all I want. Make my boy happy, and I’ll forgive you for having a brother you didn’t even choose and who must annoy you just as much as he annoys us.”

She smiled at him then, and that was it. Fili couldn’t believe how easy it had all been. He’d spent his day preparing entire speeches to explain why he wouldn’t be like Kili and to prove that he sincerely loved Ori and would do his best to always protect him from harm. All for nothing, because Ari already knew, and she didn’t mind.

Fili quickly drank his glass of Nori’s stuff from the East. He hadn’t prepared for things to work so well, and he found it a little difficult to accept.

He felt sure he’d get used to it soon, though. How could he not?

Diner went went well. It was friendly and light hearted and Nori was the center of everyone’s attention, a fact he seemed to rather enjoy. He told them stories of his time in the East, of the things he did with Ori in their free time. A lot of _that_ involved Nori trying to get Ori into less respectable parts of Gabilbizar to see if he could get him drunk or make him meet his extremely not respectable friends, and Ori finding excuses to avoid it.

“He blackmailed me,” Nori grumbled with the air of someone who tried to be annoyed but really was proud. “And then whenever I still managed to get him somewhere fun, he already knew people there, and they were all nice and polite to him. Polite! Nalj calls me a filthy shit eater every time she sees me but she called him Master Ori. And she was nice to him. She’s the sort of girl who punches you in the nose to say hello, but she bought him a beer and asked how he was doing, all ladylike and everything.”

“Well, I’m glad to see Ori’s a little better than you at dealing with friends,” Ari said.

“I’m very good at having friends.”

“Friends who punch you to say hello.”

“That’s the best sort of friends you can have,” Nori assured his mother. “You can’t trust a friend who doesn’t insult you whenever he sees you. It’s not natural.”

Ari roller her eyes, but didn’t insist.

When they got to dessert, they switched to a more serious subject, and started talking about how exactly they would bring Ori back.

“He doesn’t like the idea of blaming Jerin for Kili’s shit, but I made him see reason in the end,” Nori explained. “Now isn’t the time to be noble and believe in the power and truth and justice. Now’s the time to be filthy bastards, and it happens to be exactly what I am. I asked Ori to tell me everything that had been strange before the incident, and I’ll make sure our good friend Jerin confesses to it once he falls in our hands. Gave me the list of dwarves he suspected of being Jerin’s accomplices. Some are white as snow. A few are the wrong sort, but don’t work with J. Others I suspected were part of his circle, but there’s one or two new names I can use.”

“And how do you plan to go after him?” Balin asked. “I could never prove anything when he was stealing from us. We found nothing tangible linking him to the attack on Kit. Do you propose we just arrest him and torture him until he confesses to everything we want? There are places where this might work, but Erebor has _laws_ , lad.”

Nori nodded. “It won’t be easy. Best chance we have is if he were involved in something big again. Another attack on the royal family would be good. No one will find it strange that I interrogate him personally, should that happen. He doesn’t seem to hate our little princess so much now that she’s in responsible hands, but he might change his mind and decide he just doesn’t want her around after all. After we've saved Kit and proven that Jerin was behind everything that went wrong for the royals, it'll be easy enough to get a pardon for Ori.”

Fili felt his stomach twist. Surely Nori wasn’t suggesting to use Kit as bait? Just the thought of it made him sick. He wanted to see Jerin in prison as much as the rest of them, and he was ready to do almost anything to get Ori home, but not _that_.

“Do you really expect him him to change his mind alone, or do you plan to help him?” Balin wondered. “I can’t fully approve in the second case, and I’m not sure Fili will either. She’s a baby, Nori.”

“She’d be safe, I’d have her protected at all times,” Nori replied. “It’s the best way. It’d be easy, and sure to work. If I make the right people tell the wrong people that the child is looking like she’ll have her parents’ personality after all…”

“No,” Fili said.

“She’ll be safe. And this time I’ll be warned, I’ll know what I’m looking for, he won’t escape again.”

“No.”

“It’s the best way! The more we wait, the more prudent and powerful that little shit will grow. It’s not just about Ori, he’s a potential danger for many people in Erebor. He has the power to have anyone in the mountain assassinated. I can protect your family, kid, but there’s all sorts of other people that are just important, and I can’t have someone behind everyone’s back!”

“No,” Fili repeated. “We aren’t using my daughter. Your plan is good, but we’re not using Kit as bait, and that’s final.”

The prince clenched his hands into fists, waiting for the moment when they’d call him selfish. Which he was, he knew, but the mere idea of Kit being in danger again made his blood boil. He _loved_ Ori, but if the price to have him back was to have his daughter be pursued by assassins again, then it wasn’t _worth_ it.

They would hate him, because Ori was their kin, but he couldn’t…

“The prince is right, we shouldn’t use the baby like that,” Dori decided. “I don’t think Ori would like it. I’m fairly sure you haven’t told him that part of your plan.”

“Came to me on the way back!” Nori defended himself. “Very well then. We could easily have an attack on Kili or Diat instead. Would work too.”

Fili hesitated. Part of him thought that this wasn’t a bad idea. Beside, if Nori’s protection wasn’t as efficient as it ought to have been… 

He winced. Kili was a terrible person, and his attitude had hurt everyone, but he was still his brother, and Fili loved him. He had to love him, even if he didn’t like him these days. As for Diat, she was relatively innocent. She’d decided to flirt with the wrong person, yes, but she’d never hurt Ori, and she’d tried to be a good mother to Kit. Fili didn’t like her, no more than he liked Kili, but using them for his personal interests would make him just as bad as them.

That left them with only one solution.

“We should use me as bait,” the prince announced. “It would be easy. Just make a few rumours go about how I’m violent in private, or that abuse Kit, anything. Make me look bad. If he was ready to kill Kit just for existing, he won’t resist this.”

There was a moment of silence during which they all stared at him, but Fili didn't feel nervous. It was the best way, he knew it. 

“It’s too dangerous,” Nori claimed as soon as he recovered from his surprise.

“You just said you could guaranty Kit’s security, why not mine?”

“You are far too important,” Balin protested. “You are your uncle’s heir, and should anything happen to you, the title goes to Kili, not Kit.”

“And we don’t want to see him on the throne,” Fili agreed. “Let’s hope that will encourage Nori to be even more careful about my protection.”

Nori shook his head. “I can easily damage your reputation, kid, but restoring it after? That’s not my line of work. And we can’t afford another king with a bad public image.”

“We’ll reveal later one that it was all a big, elaborate plan to annihilate a dangerous enemy of Erebor. Beside, the plan is to show he's not afraid to mess with someone's reputation to make them look back, isn't it? It all works in our favour in the end. And it’s that or nothing. If you put anyone else in danger, I’ll tell Thorin everything. That’s my last word.”

“I’m not sure Ori will like that either,” Ari said.

“Then we won’t tell him. He doesn’t need to know. He’ll hear about the attack, but we can tell him that it was just a coincidence. Or we’ll tell him that the only other choice was Kit, and he’ll probably agree that it was the best option. Or maybe he’ll just not ask at all, because he’ll know he won’t like the answer. And anyway it won’t matter because he’ll be home, and isn’t that the most important?”

Ari looked away, but didn’t protest again. Neither did Dori.

Balin and Nori did argue a while longer, pointing out how very stupid his idea was. Nori even suggested to look for a better idea, one that wouldn’t involve assassins and rumours at all, but that would be delaying again Ori’s return, and he’d already taken measures to bring that plan to life before leaving for the Orocarni.  


In the end, they were forced to agree to Fili’s conditions.

All the prince could do now was hope that Nori’s network was better than Jerin’s.


	21. Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin and Fili talk about the Orocarni  
> and others things

_"My dear Ori,_

_"I am sorry that this letter was so long in coming, but I must blame it on your brother who didn’t arrive as soon as you seemed to expect._

_"I can’t entirely be unhappy with him though, since he brought me this wonderful present from you. There are no words to express how happy it made me to see your drawings… I had almost forgotten how talented you are, my love. And the Orocarni seem like such a beautiful place! I wish Kit and I were there with you. It might be even better than having you here with us. Imagine that! I’d run away in the night, taking my little girl… and your family, of course. I don’t think they’d forgive me if I did anything that could keep you away from them._

_"Speaking of your family, I am pleased to tell you that your mother has agreed to let me court you. It turns out she had known of my feelings for you for a long time now, but she doesn’t mind because I am “a good kid”. I’m not too happy with her seeing me as a kid, but who cares? We have permission, my love. I can tell you I love you, and know that you family will not try to keep you from me when you are back (as for my own family, I’ll take care of that later, but Thorin certainly owes me a little happiness. I have always been a good and dutiful prince, he can grant me this)_

_"It is good that your mother is allowing us this, or I would have felt terribly guilty over the last page of your courting gift. To be fair, I still do a little. After spending so long trying not to desire you… so I must ask, my love: does it bother you that I would think of you with lust? Tell me if it does, and I will try not to… hard as it might be. For all that I claimed that I didn’t mind not being able to touch you, I now want to so much it almost frightens me. I would give up on being a prince, just for a kiss from you._

_"I’m not that fond of being a prince anyway, while I’m sure I’d enjoy kissing you very much, and so it feels like a good deal._

_"Do you want news from everyone? The entire company is doing well. Gimli is in Mirkwood, studying the elves. Sometimes, we get a letter from him. Usually, he’s complaining about the lack of meat, and saying that the wine is pretty good. He’s not there alone, of course, there are a scribe and a copyist with him, because Thranduil granted us permission to copy some of the books in his library. We have Bilbo to thank for this. He used his hobbit magic to convince the elven king that it would be a good idea. How that hobbit manages to make friends everywhere, I don’t know. Even Bard asks for news of him sometimes, and he’s not the friendliest of people._

_"Anyway, Gimli seems fairly happy where he is. He only complains that much when he’s in a good mood… it’s when he’s silent that you need to worry. Gloin is heartbroken, of course. His son, alone in the middle of trees and elves! Oin thinks his brother needs a new child so that he’ll stop treating Gimli like a baby. Gloin thinks Oin’s an idiot, and that it’s all his fault for dropping Gimli on his head when he was born._

_Oin’s hospice is doing great. I think soon enough, Erebor will have a bit of a reputation for training good doctors. A few of Oin’s students have been stolen from us by the Iron Hills already. Saeros (that’s Oin’s elven associate) says it’s good news, and that he hopes their students will spread enlightenment to the rest of the world. Oin is more pragmatic, he just hopes their will spread good cures and a logical way to deal with wounds and sickness. I think it means the same in the end, but you’ve got to admit that Oin’s way of saying it sounds a lot better._

_Bilbo and Bofur are in the Shire again. It seems a lot of Bilbo’s relatives have been busy making babies over the last few years, and now the children are old enough to visit “mad uncle Bilbo and his dwarf”. Bofur seems very happy with that. I think he misses his nephews and nieces when he’s there, so having little hobbits to play with makes him very happy. Bilbo’s last letter said that the children all had Bofur wrapped around their finger, and that he didn’t seem to mind one bit._

_Bifur’s shop is doing great, and he might open a second one… more on that later if it happens. Bombur twisted his ankle a couple weeks ago, and he can’t walk at all while it heals. It annoys him greatly, because he can’t cook until he’s better, let alone visit his restaurants. Dori and Balin are planning a series of new law to encourage business in the mountain. As they’ve told Thorin, the royal treasure can afford very low taxes while the mountain grows back to its former safe, and if we can get some of the smiths from the Iron Hills or Ered Luin to come settle here, it won’t hurt. Many of the exiles who came back were miners… smiths usually had good businesses where they were, and they weren’t too anxious to start anew. Time to change that, as Balin said._

_What else can I say? Nori and Dwalin? Definitely shagging. They’re not even trying to hide anymore. And it’s a bit hard to tell with your brother, but I think there was a new braid in his hair last night. I caught glimpse of a golden bead there, but I couldn’t really get close enough to see if it maybe had Dwalin’s family crest on it. I would bet on it, though._

_I think that’s all I have to say for now, my love. That, and I can promise you that we are all working hard to bring you back home._

_I wish I could kiss you now, my darling._

_I love you, and I miss you._

_Fili_

 

It was easy to know which dwarf had heard the rumours, and which one hadn’t. There was such contempt in their eyes when Fili met them. It made him wonder what Nori had told about him… but in the end, he felt it was probably better if he didn’t know. Nori had a _lot_ of imagination.

Beside, it was easier to keep a straight face like this. If he knew what they were thinking of him, he might have been tempted to grab them and swear that he really wasn’t that bad.

And anyway, he couldn’t afford to get distracted, because he had a lot to do lately. A few days after Nori’s return, Thorin had summoned him for a private meeting, in his apartments rather than his office, and had asked him how his studying of the Orocarni was going.

“It seems like an interesting place,” the prince had answered. “They have quite a few pretty things, and Nori brought back that very nice drink that…”

“Do not talk to me about Nori,” Thorin cut him. “If I didn’t need him that much, I would kick him out of the mountain this instant. Do you know why he went East?”

“No. You never told me, and neither did he.”

Thorin nodded. “It shouldn’t have been any concern of yours. But the dwarves of the East seem to believe that things are happening in Mordor, and that old alliances should be renewed. I let Nori convince me to send him there to get information, and once he was there, I listened to his suggestions, and now we have to prepare for the arrival of an ambassador from a place called Gabilbizar.”

Oh, that was pretty clever of Nori, Fili thought. And that explained why he’d seemed in such a hurry to have Ori pardoned. He probably wanted his brother to travel with that ambassador.

“You say it like it’s bad news,” Fili noted. “Surely it’s great that anyone would want an alliance with us, even though we’re just starting to be a decent kingdom again?”

“You don’t know the dwarves of the East,” Thorin replied. “Some of them strayed from the path of righteousness and went to serve the Maker’s enemies. Those of Gabilbizar didn’t, but they made friends out of wild men and orcs, and that is hardly better.”

“And you still agreed to have their ambassador here, because…?”

“Because, as you’ve said, we need allies. I don’t want to rely only on Laketown and Mirkwood, and Dain has little to offer now that we’ve stolen every good artisan the Iron Hills had. But we could make proper business with the East, even if they are… traitors to their own kind with the sort of friends they keep. They have spices and furs and metals we don’t have here, while we have diamonds and gems more than we need. I suppose I should have asked before, but what do you think of that?”

“What do you mean, what do I think of that?”

Thorin glared at him as if he’d said something stupid.

“I have already agreed to an alliance, it’s too late to back away from that. But how far do you think we should go? Balin is all in favour of it, but I suspect that part of his enthusiasm for this is due to the fact that it is in his husband’s interest. Nori has too many friends in the East to be truly impartial in this… not that he ever _is_ impartial anyway. You’ve read about the Orocarni, you are aware of how things are here, and you are my heir. Some day you will have to deal with the consequences of this. What is your opinion on all of this?”

Once the surprise of being asked what he thought of anything disappeared, Fili couldn’t help feeling guilty. If his uncle wanted a fair, impartial opinion, then his nephew was a very bad choice, since his own interest laid in good relations with the East. Which didn’t mean it couldn’t be in the interest of Erebor too, of course, but he still felt rather biased.

“I think it can’t hurt,” Fili said hesitantly. “Even if they have… queer alliances to the side, they have always kept their oaths, haven’t they? When we called for their help against the orcs of Khazad Dum, they came, no matter what their own links to orcs were. If there had been stronger promises and friendship between them and us when the dragon came, they might have offered help.”

“They did,” Thorin grunted. “There are exiles of Erebor still living in the East, and from what Nori could gather, most of these have no intention of coming back.”

“Oh. Well, that makes them good allies, doesn’t it? They probably won’t promise much, but what they will promise we can count on. But they’ll expect the same of us, and Gabilbizar doesn’t always get along with the other cities… They’ve been at wars with the rest of the Orocarni more than once. If they’re willing to offer friendship now, it might mean they are preparing something and want our help.”

Thorin smirked grimly. “That’s what I think too. Nori says they’re just worried about Mordor, but I don’t believe that. The Lord that ruled there was defeated generations ago, and if he still lived, why would he rise again now, why not earlier? We are all gaining in strength. Erebor rises again, the Mirkwood were freed from the Necromancer thanks to an alliance between the three wizards, there is… friendship of a sort between dwarves and elves, and from what I hear, the kingdoms of the Men manage well enough… No, I don’t believe there is anything in Mordor. If the Ironfists prepare for war, it is against other dwarves.”

Fili nodded, because he felt it was what his uncle expected of him, but he had his doubts. Ori had mentioned once or twice in his letters that bad things were happening, and the prince felt that he meant things _worse_ than just a war with a neighbouring city. He couldn’t tell his uncle that, though.

“We will make treaties with them,” Thorin sighed. “We need them, probably more than they need us… but we’ll have to be careful about what we promise. _You_ will have to be careful.”

“Me?”

“I’m putting you in charge of all that mess,” the king announced. “You are doing well enough dealing with internal problems, it’s time you tried your hand at international diplomacy. Don’t make such a face, you won’t be alone in this. Balin will help, since he’s the one who pushed the most for it all, and I’ll find you advisors with experience in such matters.”

“But…”

“It is a great honour I’m doing you,” Thorin warned him. “You are young, and I probably shouldn’t put you in charge of something so important, but it is the only way you will learn… and _I’m_ not all that young. There’s no telling when you will have to take my place, but when you do, you won’t be unprepared. I will make a king out of you, somehow.”

That mere thought had Fili sick with anxiety. He almost screamed that he didn’t want to be king, and that Thorin could keep that great honour for someone else, really. He didn’t want more responsibilities, and he didn’t want more work, because that meant less time with Kit, and the Maker knew he already had little enough as it was. But he coudn’t say that, of course. His time with his daughter was a personal matter, and anything _personal_ was of no value to his uncle.

“I’ll do my best to be worthy of your trust, uncle,” the prince said. _Not that it’s ever_ _ **enough**_ , he didn’t add. “What exactly do you expect me to do?”

“To write down a first draft of a possible treaty. It won’t be the one we’ll sign in the end. It won’t even be the one we’ll negotiate when Gabilbizar sends an ambassador. But it will be a starting point toward that. I am trusting you with this, Fili. I know you can do well. You are clever. Do not disappoint me.”

“I won’t, uncle.”

“I hope so. I will arrange for your regular tasks to be taken care of by someone else while you work on this. The official story is that you and Balin are working on an inventory of all our old treaties to find out which ones are still technically in effect. I do not want any leaks. If it is known that our eyes are set on the East, Dain and Thranduil will decide that there must be something interesting there and try to find what. This _cannot_ happen. Am I clear?”

“Yes, uncle. Anything else?”

Thorin seemed to hesitate for a moment.

“No. Nothing. Go home to your daughter, you have the rest of the day off. Try to rest, if you can. You look tired.”

“No more than you do, uncle.”

That got him a smile, and something that might have been a chuckle had Thorin been capable of something like _laughter_.

“I _am_ tired, nephew, because I work too hard to try to prove that I am worthy of my title, in spite of all my past mistakes. You have no such things to do. Learn when to stop, or your mother will kill me for turning you into a second me.”

“I thought that was what you were trying to _do_ ,” Fili retorted before he could stop himself.

Thorin shot him a surprised look. “That is the last thing I could ever want,” the king assured him. “After all that I have done wrong? If I had any shame, I wouldn’t even be king anymore. I almost had you and your brother killed, as well as many others, all for my pride. I might have renounced the throne in your favour already, but you aren’t ready. Not yet. But you will, someday soon, and that day I will be proud to give you the place that is rightfully yours.”

“What if I’m never ready though? I don’t think… I’m not sure I have what it takes to make a king, uncle.”

“I know. _Everyone_ knows you hate being a prince,” Thorin claimed. “Everyone that matters, at least. And we all agree that it’s why you’ll make a better king than I. You don’t crave power and fame, not the way I did.”

Fili had to bit the inside of his cheek not to shout. They _knew_? They _all_ knew? He’d done his best for years to hide how much he _hated_ the work he had to do and the position it came with, and they all knew and _enjoyed_ it?

“Doesn’t it… Don’t you think it unfair to force me to do… to _be_ this even though I find no joy in it?” he asked.

“Fairness has nothing to do with this,” Thorin replied dryly. “You are doing your duty, as we all do. And if not you, who would you see rule after me? Your brother maybe? He isn’t a bad boy, and he’d certainly enjoy the title a great deal, but he doesn’t have the head for it. You do, and that is all that matters. You may never _enjoy_ it, but I hope that someday, you will find _pride_ in knowing you are what your kingdom needs you to be.”

“I see. Thank you for clarifying this, uncle. May I go now?”

“You are angry,” Thorin noted, and he dared to sound _surprised_.

“I am,” Fili admitted. “What does it matter? You do not mind that I am unhappy, why should you care if I am _angry_?”

Thorin opened his mouth to say something, before changing his mind and frowning.

“I refuse to talk to you until you’ve calmed down. You are tired, if we keep going you will say things you might regret. Go home, and rest. You need it.”

Fili didn’t need to be told twice. He stormed out of the room, and his mind was made. He was done with his uncle, and with Erebor. He was going to get Kit, buy a pony, and run away in the East. He had nothing to keep him there after all, not when his own family saw no problem with forcing him into a path that wasn’t his. He had tolerated it as long as he’d believed that they didn’t know how much he hated it, but knowing that they _knew_ was more than he could bear.

He wished Thorin would at least have had the decency to pretend, to spare his feelings… but that would have required his uncle to _care_ , which he clearly didn’t.

Nothing mattered but bloody Erebor, and Fili had never hated the mountain more.

He wanted to leave and never look back, he wanted to go to Ori that very moment and be happy at last, with the dwarf he loved and his daughter, in a place where he’d be Fili, _just_ Fili.

But he couldn’t, of course. He hated Erebor, but if he left, then Kili would be the heir to the throne, and the people didn’t deserve that. Kili might not be a bad king, given the chance, but he was unlikely to ever be a good one. He didn’t have Thorin’s guilt to guide him, or Fili’s insane need to please others.

And even if Fili went to the Orocarni, Nori would still work to bring Ori back… and without Fili to keep him in check, who knew to what extremes he’d go to have his brother pardoned? He’d been ready to put a child in danger. Nori probably wouldn’t mind using Kili as bait if it came to it, but he might not save him at the last minute. Not after everything that had happened.

By the time he got to his apartments, Fili knew he couldn’t leave. He was trapped, and he would stay, for the sake of a kingdom he didn’t want, for a brother he hated as much as he loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to compensate the angst: http://ofinkandquill.tumblr.com/post/60745871616/ori-and-karad-from-tagaths-i-had-a-dream-once  
> ORI/KARAD OTP 5EVA uwu


	22. I just wanna see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili gets a fascinating letter from Ori  
> and there's some family time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Brave by Sara Bareilles which has been suggest as a good Ori/Fili song for this 'verse, and I'm afraid I must agree very much.  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

If Fili had thought that dealing with miners guilds and shareholders and merchants of all sorts had been boring, it was nothing compared to the dry, painful horror that were international treaties. The number of things that could go wrong if they didn’t use the right word was just terrifying, and they had to be careful about what they offered, what they asked…

“We’ll send a copy the first draft by raven,” Balin told him. “Gabilbizar gave us one just for that purpose. They’ll read it, decide it is worthless and a terrible offence to their pride, so they’ll suggest a few corrections. We will be appalled by their mad demands, and make a counter-offer. When we tire of that little game, they send their ambassador. New details are added and discussed, and in five years, we have an alliance.”

“Five years.”

“If we are lucky. I remember when your great-grandfather started negotiating for an alliance with the elves. We were at it for near thirty years. It shouldn’t take so long this time, though. We are between dwarves after all.”

“We still haven’t settled the problem with the miners of the South diamond mines,” Fili reminded him. “We’re not even close to settling it. Even though they are dwarves too.”

“And until new orders it’s _Gloin_ ’s problem, not ours,” Balin sighed happily. “But don’t worry, my prince, this will be much easier.”

Fili sincerely doubted that, but he decided that it didn’t matter. The more time it took them to settle things with the East, the more chances there were that Jerin would have finally tried to kill him, which would allow Ori to be pardoned and to come back West with the ambassador.

It was rather strange to wish for an assassination attempt, Fili realized it. He didn’t care. He wanted things to move, to change at last. Ever since his conversation with Thorin, it had become hard to pretend he was fine. He still managed, because he’d been doing that his entire life, but he’d lost his temper with Kili more than once, he’d been less than nice to Diat whenever he’d seen her, and he’d been forced to avoid his uncle and mother entirely.

It had been one thing to discover that Thorin knew how much he hated his role, but Dis? She was his mother, he would have thought she’d want him to be happy.

It hit him one day that letting him adopt Kit had probably been an attempt to balance the fact that they were willingly forcing him to be something he hated. They had given him his daughter, he was giving them his life. If he could play on their guilt to have Ori too, he wouldn’t mind so much.

Still, it was a relief when at last, he got news from his lover again.

  
  


_"My Fili,_

_"I am so happy that my mother approves of us! I knew from her letters that she rather liked you, but I can now admit that I was worried… I don’t know what I would have done if her dislike of your brother had meant she would let us be in love!_

_"And I am glad that my gift pleased you. Some of the drawings were a little rushed… I didn’t have that much time, and there was so much to show you! I couldn’t put everything in there… partly because I haven’t seen everything yet. I keep discovering new things that I like… You know, I might be a little sad to leave after all, when the time for it comes! But just a little. Leaving means I’m going back to my family, and to you, after all!_

_"Do you know I’ve just refused an adoption offer because of that? From a very important dwarf, one of the Queen’s own ministers! I was never really tempted, to be fair. I’ve worked with him a bit, and he’s a fool, and cruel to the miners who work for him… but lord Theron said I should pretend to consider it anyway, or it would be rude. That’s what he said, but I really think he just wanted to have some time to see if he could use it to his advantage. Still, Theron seemed rather happy when I told him I’d stay in his service until the day I could go back. I think he sorts of likes me. As much as he can like anyone. Let’s say he finds me very useful, and leave it at that._

_"And now, to the heart of this letter._

_"Yes, you wonderful, foolish prince: you can want me. I thought it rather obvious at that point! We are courting, aren’t we? And I sent you that picture of me, didn’t I? (M’al, wasn’t it embarrassing to draw… I haven’t drawn many naked people, and to draw that knowing you would see it…)_

_"If you really have any doubt that I am fine with it, let me tell you this: I want you too. I think about it all the time. I wonder what it would be like to have your lips against mine. I wonder how your hands will feel, when they are in mine, when they are in my hair, when they are on my skin, when you are holding me as we make love. I wonder how warm your skin will be when I can finally touch it, I wonder how you smell, how you taste. I try to remember what your laugh is like, and from that I try to guess what sort of noises you will make when you are in me._

_"I think about that last one a lot. I like that a lot, to be honest. I hope you will like it too? I really hope we can try it at least once. I want to feel you inside me, moving against me, I want to feel your weight on me and your moans against my skin, I want us to do this together and to reach our peaks together. I would be so nice! I know you once sort of implied you had never done such things, and I want nothing more than to show you all the ways two dwarves can be together. And when that’s done, we’ll just have to find new ways, or to start all over again._

_"I hope this will rid you of your worries, my love. You can desire me all you want: I do too, and it is a torture sometimes to want you so much, and not know how long it will take for me to be with you at last. You say you would give up on being a prince for a kiss… I don’t have anything so precious to give away, but what little I have, I’d renounce it all to be with you. I have never touched you, never held you in my arms, and yet I miss it so much that it hurts._

_"Let us hope that Nori’s plan will work! He refuses to tell me the details of it, paranoiac old thing that he is. He said it was no concern of mine. Can you believe it? My one and only chance to see my family again, to finally, finally be with you, and it doesn’t concern me! I love my brother a lot, but he’s such an idiot sometimes, and he loves making himself look so mysterious. Good luck to Dwalin dealing with that, he’ll need it! I mean, I understand the need for secrecy for some things of course. I know I can’t tell you things about my job, and I expect there’s many things you can’t tell me either. But Nori takes it too far sometimes. I bet if he ever decides to marry Dwalin, he’ll keep it a secret from him until the moment of the ceremony! Or he won’t tell us. For all we know, they’re married already, and they just didn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t even be surprised. Actually, I’m ready to bet on it: one day, we’ll discover that they are married, and they just didn’t see any reason to tell anyone until it became necessary. I bet you one kiss that this is how it will be. What do you say?_

_"I’m afraid this will be a short letter, my dear. I am leaving Gabilbizar for a time… Lord Thelor is sent to negotiate new treaties in the South of the Orocarni. We are negotiating with Blacklocks to sell them… salt. It always comes back to that. I am growing quite tired of it! But they’ve had terrible accidents in their mines whereas the orcs are doing just great with their nice salterns, and since they only sell to us, we have the upper hand! Well, and we just want to make sure that if things turn bad, for whatever reason, we are in good terms with… everyone, really._

_"Don’t worry though, I’ll probably be back in time for your next letter, and if not, I’m sure Thren will make sure I get it anyway._

_"I love you, and I miss you terribly_

_"Ori_

_"PS: You know, I’m sort of glad I send letters to mama along with official ones to Nori. It would be so embarrassing to have a letter like that travel along with something for my mother! I’m blushing just thinking of it._

  
  


Fili was blushing too, trying to remember how to breathe and _glad_ that he’d already put Kit to bed.

He wasn’t ignorant. He’d been in enough drunken conversations, he’d listened when older dwarves talked… his own brother had told him _more_ than was necessary about his intimate life before Fili had snapped and told him he didn’t want to know what Kili and Ori were up to when they sneaked away together. 

He wasn’t a child. He knew as much  about sex as one could without actually having it.

He had still been entirely unprepared for that letter. Knowing of the theoretical existence of sex and knowing that someone wanted to have it with him as soon as would be possible were two very different things. Fili kept going from an intense feeling of lust to a no less intense panic.  He _wanted_ Ori in that moment, more than ever before, and his lover’s words filled his mind with images and ideas. It was so easy to picture himself on top of his lover, inside him…

Or the opposite would be nice too. Ori made it sound rather nice to be taken, and Fili liked the idea of just letting his lover in control… He hoped they would try that too… but Ori had said he’d show him everything, hadn’t he? Of course they would try that. Once Ori was back and they were engaged...

Fili was starting to understand why Ori had had such fears about how difficult it could be to court someone who wasn’t there. He didn’t want to wait for months or even years. He needed Ori with him that very _instant_ , needed him so much it made him ache.

It wasn’t _fair_ of his lover to send him such a letter and not be here to help him deal with the sudden flood of sheer lust it had provoked.

In the end he took care of the problem on his own, but it was Ori’s hand he imagined on him the entire time.

  
  


He felt strange the following day. As if knowing that he had not just Ori’s love, but his desire too, had changed something. He had trouble concentrating on anything, and when it earned him a light scolding from Balin, he found he just didn’t care. Who _cared_ how many soldiers they would be willing to send to the Orocarni as part of their treaty? It didn’t matter, not when Ori wanted to make love to _him_.

In the end, Balin sent him home early because if he was going to be distracted and useless, he might as well do that near Kit.

That was a fine plan, and Fili didn’t need to be told twice.

He didn’t have time to think that much about Ori the rest of the day. Kit was a rather huge distraction, and she was just starting to try really talking, which was the most wonderful thing ever. She had a slight tendency to call Fili ‘mama’ of course, but the nurse assured him that would pass, and these were just the easiest syllables a child could say. Fili didn’t really mind. His own mother was one of the greatest dwarves he’d ever met, along with Ari, and so being called _mama_ felt more like a compliment than anything else.

“Will you call Ori Adad then?” he asked her while he tried to brush her hair. “I won’t mind. We’ll make a nice little family, jewel, don’t you agree?”

She didn’t answer, glaring at him. Kit seemed to take the brushing of her hair like a personal insult and she was usually quite good at escaping that. In that at least, she really was Kili’s child. In other things too, of course. She was reckless and far too curious, and if she couldn’t resist a bad idea if it looked fun… But she was _kind_ , always. 

Clever and mischievous, but kind. Whenever they went to see Bombur’s kids, she was always so careful with the young twins… Kili had never been like that. Even with Gimli, he’s always been rough… even though Kili had been twenty by the time their cousin had been born and he _should_ have been able to be careful…

“There, you look almost presentable, jewel. Should we tie your hair?”

Kit glared at him again. That was a no, then.

Satisfied with his work anyway, Fili decided to make his excuse for that _terrible_ session of torture by playing with her. As soon as he lowered himself to her level, Kit jumped on his back, having decided he was a pony. A couple more years and she’d be too heavy for that, but for now it was a fun game… even if Fili wished Kit would stop pulling at his hair like that. It just wouldn’t do for him to get bald. The heir to the throne was probably not _allowed_ to go bald.

When she pulled one time too many, Fili made Kit fall gently on the ground, and started tickling her as punishment… not that she seemed to mind too much, if the way she laughed was any indication.

Of course that had to be the moment his mother chose to come in. Without knocking. Family trait.

When he’d be king, Fili’s first law would be to make it a crime to come into a room without knocking.

“You’re not ready,” his mother noted, sounding torn between resignation and exasperation. “Oh, please, Fili, don’t tell me you forgot _again_.”

“Forgot what? Ow, Kit, not the moustache, jewel! We’ve talked about that.”

The dwarfling giggled happily, and Fili gave his mother an apologetic smile that was meant to say “ _kids, uh_?”, but Dis seemed entirely unamused.

“You forgot,” she sighed angrily. “I can’t believe you forgot! I don’t care that Thorin wants you to be well prepared, this is going too far if you can't even... There’s a _party_ tonight, Fili! Does that ring a bell?”

“Well, it explains with Balin said he’d see me later, I suppose.”

Dis glared at him. Humour, it seemed, was not a good idea that evening.

“So, what are we celebrating this time? A new law, the fact that it’s been a couple years since anyone in the family did anything that might lead to the death of our entire people?”

“ You don’t even know… Please, tell you are _joking_ , Fili.”

“I’m not sure I’m even allowed to joke, mother. What is the party about?”

“Diat is pregnant again.”

Fili’s first instinct was to pull Kit to him. Diat was with child? But why? She didn’t even like children, and she’d done her duty by giving an heir to the royal family. Diat wasn’t the sort to do anything useless. She was a practical girl, she had done what she had to do, anything she was doing now was because she wanted to.

“Who is the father?”

“ _Fili_!”

“It’s a fair question! I didn’t know she had a lover… I thought Nori would have told me, but…”

“Is it so hard to imagine that your brother and his wife are in _love_?”

Fili stared at his mother, unsure what to say. Dis seemed disappointed, and that _hurt_. He didn’t want to disappoint his mother, even less than Thorin, but still… Kili and Diat? In love? He wasn’t sure they even understood the concept. They certainly hadn’t understood it when Ori had been in love with Kili and they’d both tried to get rid of him without a care for his feelings.

“There was a time when your brother’s happiness made you happy,” Dis sighed. “I remember how happy for him you were when he started courting Ori… And now you can’t even pretend to be glad for him when he’s going to be a father for the second time, and this time to a child he will get to raise himself. We’re announcing it officially tonight, it’s a great day for him, and the only thing that comes to your mind is that he might not be the father? What has happened between you, Fili?”

Ori happened, the prince thought.

 _Kili happened_ , he corrected himself, holding Kit tighter even though she was starting to protest. Ori had done little wrong, beside being… far too young when everything had started, and too naive too. Kili on the other hand had used and abused the most wonderful dwarves of them all, and if after that Diat could love him… it was more than Kili deserved.

He almost told his mother everything then. He wanted to tell her how long he’d loved Ori and how he’d been forced to watch him be treated so badly by a lover who just found him convenient, before throwing him away the first chance he’d had. But he kept silent. Nori had said that Thorin and Dis couldn’t be told anything, because they were the only ones with the power to really ruin their plan to bring back Ori.

And more importantly, he didn’t feel brave enough to tell her. Dis might sympathize and feel sorry for him and Ori, but what if she didn’t? He remembered telling Thorin. He remembered how his uncle had told him that if he didn’t like the way things were, he should just have had the courage to try his chance with Ori first, completely missing the point of everything Fili had tried to tell him when he’d begged his uncle not to take Ori on the quest…

Dis probably _wouldn_ ’t react that way, but she _might_ , and it was a risk he couldn’t take. It was hard enough to feel no affection for his uncle and brother anymore, if he started detaching himself from his mother too…

“I’m sorry, mother. I’ll be happy for him. I just worry for Kili sometimes.”

“Don’t we all?” Dis asked with a small smile, bending down to take Kit from him. “But I worry about you too. It feels like you are withdrawing from us lately.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I note that you don’t even try to protest. Thorin said the two of you had an argument. He didn’t say about what, though.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Fili quickly lied.

Another thing he didn’t want was to have his mother confirm that she knew how much he hated his life as a prince.

There were so many things he didn’t want these days, and only two he wanted. One was in Dis’s arms, and the other in the East.

“If it didn’t matter, you’d tell me,” Dis retorted. “Fili, you shouldn’t… Ah! Kit, my hair!”

Fili chuckled. “She does that.”

“Naughty girl.”

“She’s not naughty. She’s wonderful and perfect.”

“You’ll spoil her,” Dis laughed, kissing her grand-daughter.

“Better than the opposite.”

Fili bit his lips. That hadn’t come out right, and now Dis was frowning and staring at him as if she couldn’t quite believe what he’d said.

“We’ll have to talk,” his mother decided after a long silence. “Not tonight… tonight, you are going to dress well and re-do your braids while I take Kit to her nurse, and then you’ll be _happy_ that your sister in law is carrying your brother’s child. But very soon, I think we’ll have to talk.”

“Yes, mother.”

“Talking to me isn’t supposed to be a _punishment_ , Fili, so please stop looking like it is. I am your _mother_ , not a guildmaster you need to please and convince.”

“Yes, mother.”

Dis sighed again, but she didn’t insist.

“I’ll go drop Kit. The party is in half an hour. Please, don’t be late.”

Fili nodded.

That wasn’t at all the evening he would have wanted.

What he would have wanted was to play a little while longer with Kit, to eat with her, then put her to bed with a story where true love was strong and villains were punished in the end. Then he’d have gone to bed too, and he’d have read Ori’s letter again, and he’d have thought of his lover.

Instead, he’d have to watch Kili and Diat triumph.

Thankfully, Fili was getting used to know having what he wanted.

 


	23. my favourite brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili tries to help.  
> This goes about as well as you would expect

As soon as he opened the door, Fili felt everyone’s eyes turn to him, and his brother all but ran to him.

“Hey, Fee! You’re on time! I think it’s the first time you’re not late for a party!”

Fili forced himself to smile at his brother, and almost didn’t tense when Kili pulled him in a hug. There were people watching them, important people, and as much as he didn’t want to be there, Fili couldn’t afford to show it.

“You look… happy, Kee. Congratulations?”

“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” Kili laughed. “I’m gonna be a _dad_!”

“For the second time, and I don’t remember you caring half that much when Kit was on her way.”

Kili shrugged. “Kit was never really going to be mine. Why should I have cared about her?”

“What do you mean not yours?”

Kili rolled his eyes, as if it were terribly obvious and his brother were very stupid for not getting it.

“Kit is yours,” he explained, dragging Fili toward the buffet. “She’s your heir, she’d have been yours even if you hadn’t adopted her. Just like you’re Thorin’s, you know? It’s just as well that you took her, it’d have been such a bother to deal with her when you were the real highest authority for her. But this one, it’s _my_ kid. Well, mine and Diat’s.”

Fili stared at his brother. He shouldn’t have come. He didn’t feel capable of dealing with that sort of things. What sort of a dwarf just decided not to care about his daughter because someone else would have a hand in her education?

“M’al, you look about as tired as uncle,” Kili said, looking worried. “Come on, eat something! I don’t want you fainting or anything… The snacks are really great, Bom’ made them himself you know. Have a taste!”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not. Eat, or I’ll tell mother.”

Fili glared at his brother, but Kili just smiled, clearly very proud of his little joke. Fili sighed, and grabbed a canapé, stuffing it in his mouth like an angry child before looking defiantly at Kili. It made his brother laugh, of course, and Fili himself couldn’t help a smile. It wasn’t the first time one of them was forcing the other to eat by using their mother as a threat… though it had been a long while since it had happened.

“So, how is Diat doing?” Fili asked after swallowing. And maybe he had been hungry after all, because he quickly took another snack.

“She’s completely taking advantage of the situation of course,” Kili sighed with what might have been affection. “She wants strawberries any time of the day, and she’s decided she just can’t stand the smell of most meats, or of anything fried. Makes for pretty awful meals, because Mahal, I’m getting tired of green food. She’s lucky she’s pretty.”

“Is her beauty the only thing you like in her, then?”

“The only thing I can talk of before you,” Kili teased. “Oh, don’t look at me like that! I was joking. I love her for tons of reasons, don’t worry. And I really _do_ love her. I learned my lesson, see? No more messing with people just because they’re all I could get. I’ve become good, I hope you’re proud of me.”

Fili didn’t answer. This was Kili and Diat’s great day, Dis had said. He couldn’t tell his brother how pride was the one thing he certainly _didn’t_ feel for him at the moment. At least, Kili seemed to notice how uncomfortable he was, for once, and he quickly changed the subject.

“So, hey, it’s great you’re here,” Kili said with a forced smile. “Because I wanted you to meet someone. A… not really a friend, but he works with me, and I told him I’d introduce him to you. He’s… fun to be around, I guess. He’d make a good friend for you, since you like to talk about all sorts of boring stuff, like him. He should be here… come on, let’s find him!”

Meeting anyone was the last thing Fili could want at the moment, a friend of Kili least of all. His brother’s friends all turned out to be brutish warriors with a dreadful sense of humour, or scribes that Kili would push his way claiming cheerfully that they were ‘boring just like you’.

The scribes never stayed in Kili’s circle very long, but usually just one evening with them was painful enough. There were many ways to be labelled boring by Kili, one of which _was_ to _actually_ never have anything interesting to say.

“Fee, this is Khrum,” Kili announced when he had found his scribe of the day. “He works for me, sometimes. Khrum, that’s my brother Fili, heir to the throne of Erebor. He likes books and old stories.”

Fili winced. He wondered if his brother realized that “books and old stories” was about as vague as if he’d said “weapons” or “shiny things”. At least, Khrum seemed at least as appalled as him by that _terrible_ introduction.

“Well, why don’t you two talk?” Kili said. “I’ll go… see if Diat needs anything. You two have fun!”

“Sorry about that,” Fili sighed as soon as his brother was gone. “He… thinks I need friends or something. We’d better… talk for a while or he’ll come back and try to give us conversation subjects, and we don’t want that. Trust me.”

Khrum grinned. “Shall we talk about… stories and books, then?”

“Ah, yes. Stories and books. A most fascinating topic. May I say that my favourite thing about books is that they have pages, sometimes with writing on them? It is most fascinating. And these writings tell you things. I can’t help but be amazed by how ingenious the whole thing is.”

“It truly is. And do you know you can also use them to write down numbers?”

“Can you, really? Incredible. Progress really never stops,” Fili exclaimed in mock wonder, though he quickly regretted it. “Sorry, that was mean. Please don’t think I enjoy making fun of my brother. He is far from stupid even if he doesn’t share my interest in… _books and stories_.”

Khrum smiled politely, and assured him he hadn’t sounded mean at all. They still changed the subject, and Fili asked the other dwarf what sort of job he did exactly (he was an accountant more than a scribe). They talked for a moment, until the prince felt that his brother couldn’t complain that he hadn’t even tried to be friendly, and he said goodbye before going back to the buffet.

He really was hungry, in the end.

But just as he was finished a toast with… something salty and pink on it, Kili appeared out of nowhere next to him to ask him what he’d thought of Khrum.

“He’s… nice? You’ve introduced me to worse.”

“Do you like him then? He’s single, you know. I’ve asked. And he’s nice and honest.”

“Why would I care that he’s single?” Fili asked, confused.

“Because I figured you’d take it the wrong way if I tried to hook you up with someone who already had a lover,” Kili explained as if it were obvious. “With all that you’ve been angry at me and Diat because of the thing with Ori, I thought it was best not to put you in a position like that, you know? So, do you like him or not?”

“You are trying to do _what_?”

Kili’s smile faltered a little.

“Are you angry?”

“ _Guess_.” Fili snarled, using all of his self control not to shout.

“What did I do wrong now?” his brother whined. “I was just trying to help! You do nothing but work or play with Kit, you _need_ to get laid, Fee. Or at least to have conversations that aren’t about work. Come on Khrum is nice, isn’t he? You should give him a chance. You can’t go on being all broody and dramatic like that, you’re turning into Thorin. You’d started going better a few months ago, but now you’re worse than ever...”

The concern in Kili’s eyes seemed sincere, and it made Fili almost feel bad for worrying his little brother like that.

But at the same time he suddenly realized that Khrum was a young, small ginger scribe with a big nose. 

Kili had tried to send him in the arms of a dwarf who vaguely looked like Ori.

“I don’t want to get laid,” Fili hissed. “Not with just _anyone_ , sorry.”

“But it’s been _years_!” Kili protested. “You’ve got to move on, Fee. It’s not healthy. Look, you had your chance, and you didn’t take it, and then tons of stuff happened… you can’t pine for him like that, he won’t come back and you know it. I… I don’t like seeing you sad like that all the time, and I don’t like that you’re still angry at me for something so stupid… he wasn’t worth it, Fee! He was just a guy you liked, but I’m your brother, why do you let that one bad thing I did keep us apart? I miss when we still got along.”

“And I miss Ori.”

“But that’s _stupid_! He didn’t even like you, and he was nothing special, and you’ve got to move on. That’s what people do when bad stuff happen to them, they move on. He’s never gonna be here again, and he’s never gonna love you, so just pick someone else and have some _fun_!”

Everyone was looking at them now, because Kili, dear, sweet Kili, just didn’t understand the concept of discretion, or that some conversation were meant to be private, and so he’d been almost shouting. Fili wanted nothing more than to shout back, but he couldn’t. This was Kili’s party, and he couldn’t ruin it.

Kili was allowed to ruin anything he wanted, but Fili wasn’t, because one of them had to be the good brother.

Fili was getting tired of having to be good.

“If you say another word about Ori,” the oldest prince said calmly, “I will punch you in the face until even mother can’t recognize you.”

For a short second, it felt good to see the shock on Kili’s face, the _fear_ even, to hear the gasps of people around them…

Then that second passed and Fili felt horrified by what he’d just said. Everyone was looking at them, at him. Dis was there, looking hurt and disappointed, and Thorin was next to her, furious and horrified. Diat was with them, apparently ready to jump ahead to protect her husband. Fili took a step away from his brother and smiled, trying to show that he hadn't meant that, that he’d never hurt his brother, no matter how much he wanted to sometimes…

But everyone still stared at him, and their surprise was turning to disgust, and they were starting to mutter.

Fili couldn’t deal with that. He was tired and angry, and tired of being angry.

So he did the only thing he could, and went for the door, not caring how many people he had to push to get there.

They already hated him anyway, a little more would make no difference.

He was just glad that no one tried to stop him.

When at last he was in the corridor, and the door was closed between him and that damned party, Fili felt like he could breathe again. So he tried to take a few deep breaths, and pretended they didn’t sound like sobs. He hated Kili for making him lose his calm like that, in public, and the fact that Kili had probably meant well only made it _worse_. He didn’t want his brother’s good intentions. He wanted to be home and to cuddle under a cover with Kit and Ori. He wanted things to be right. He wanted to just _sleep_.

That last one he could have, at least, so he started walking home.

He winced when he heard the door behind him open, followed by steps running his way. He didn’t want, couldn’t deal with anyone right now… but much to his relief, it was just Khrum.

He could maybe deal with that. Whether the scribe wanted to offer pity, anger, or just company for the night, Fili could deal with that.

“What can I do for you?” the prince asked, trying to smile out of habit.

“Just wanted to see if you needed some help,” Khrum answered. “You seem tired.”

“Which I am. I am now going to get some rest. Thank you.”

“Yes, I felt I could help with that.”

Fili opened his mouth to say that rest was really the only thing he wanted at the moment, thank you.

He didn’t see the dagger in the other dwarf’s hand until it was almost too late.

He felt it, though, when he failed to properly dodge the blade and it sank into his left side. Years of old habits told him to keep silent and endure, but Fili realized in time how stupid _that_ was, and he shouted for help. He doubted anyone at the party would give a damn if they heard him, but Nori had people somewhere near who were supposed to watch and protect him. Any minute now they’d appear and save him.

He avoided Khrum’s second attack better, and even managed to kick the assassin in the stomach… which turned out to be a mistake, because Khrum grabbed the prince’s leg and threw him against a wall, head first. Fili collapsed to the ground. On a good day, he would have stood up again and fought to his last breath.

This wasn’t a good day.

He was _tired_ and his head had hit the wall _hard_. His vision had started going black before he even closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I must say that Kili had no idea at all that Khrum was an assassin. Kili's not a great person, he's done shitty things, and his feelings for Fili aren't easier than Fili's for him are, but he really loves his brother and would never do anything to hurt him.  
> Not intentionaly.


	24. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Fili woke up at last, he was in his own bedroom, dressed in his night clothes. He might have thought that his little encounter with Khrum had been a dream, if not for the pain in his stomach and head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates might become very, very, VERY irregular until october. School work + a report to write make me a very unhappy little bug. On the good news, we are slowly going toward the end of this fic. As in, less than ten chapters, I'd say (can't give a better estimate than that, I still have quite a few things waiting to happen... and I'm not sure yet how quick or slow it'll be uwu)

When Fili woke up at last, he was in his own bedroom, dressed in his night clothes. He might have thought that his little encounter with Khrum had been a dream, if not for the pain in his stomach and head. He tried to move, to evaluate how badly hurt he was. The wound on his stomach was painful, but no more than what he’d gone through after the Battle of the Five Armies, so there was that. His head worried him a little more. When he tried to sit up, Fili felt everything spin around him, and he saw bright lights in front of his eyes. He decided to lie back down and wait a little before he tried again.

Since he couldn’t even think of getting up, Fili looked around him. It didn’t really surprise him to see Dis asleep on a chair next to his bed. She had always done that whenever her sons fell ill… and it made Fili happier than he’d have expected. If even after his little outburst at Kili’s party she still loved him enough to take care of him… all wasn’t lost.

He wondered where Kit was, who was taking care of her. Her nurse was a nice dwarf, but Fili would rather have his daughter with friends. He’d have to ask Dis when she’d wake up, and see if maybe Kit could stay with Bombur… or with Dori? She loved Dori. Dori was a better choice, Bombur had enough to do with his own children.

Fili tried to swallow. He felt thirsty, very much so. Possibly a little hungry too, but mostly thirsty. He tried to sit again, but the dizziness came back and he almost fell from his bed trying to reach for his pot of water.

That woke Dis, who gasped when she saw him half sprawled over his bed with one hand on the ground and trying hard to not end up on the floor. Fili expected her to come to his rescue. Instead, she fell to her knees next to his bed and pulled him on her lap.

“Thank the Maker, you are awake! We were so worried!”

“Mother?”

“Oin said you’d probably wake up,” Dis whispered, kissing his hair, “but we weren’t sure… Oh, my darling, we were so afraid… Even Nori looked worried.”

“Did he?”

He’d missed Nori looking _worried_? The event of the century, more rare than an eclipse, and he’d missed it? Just his luck.

“He said he knew there were assassins after you,” Dis explained, “but that he’d believed they weren’t good enough to even touch you. He didn’t take into account how tired you were, and… he seemed rather guilty about it all. He’s so proud of his perfect network and of how well he protects us, to fail like that… oh Fili, I am so relieved you’re fine.”

She held him tighter, and he didn’t resist, but he felt an awful doubt creeping up in a corner of his mind.

It was theoretically possible that Nori could feel worry. He was a dwarf after all, and Fili had seen him worried when Ori and Kili were engaged. But guilt?

Nori didn’t do guilt.

He used other people’s guilt, but he didn’t feel it himself. A dwarf capable of suggesting they used a toddler as bait for assassins couldn’t feel guilty of anything.

He could pretend, though. If he felt it would get him something, Nori could pretend anything. And it wasn’t normal that Fili had been left alone so long after Khrum had stabbed him. When Kit had been attacked, one of Nori’s dwarves had appeared out of nowhere before the assassin could even touch her… But his head hurt too much to think of that now.

Beside, he was still thirsty.

“Mother, can I have water? I feel… parched…”

“Of course… we tried to give you food and water, but it… wasn’t easy… here, let me help you get back in bed.”

She did just that, before handing him a glass of water. Fili drank it as quickly as he could, before asking for another one. After the third glass, he felt a little better, and his head didn’t hurt quite as much.

“I’m sorry about the party,” Fili said all of a sudden, wanting that out of the way as soon as possible. “I’ll apologize to Kili too. I’m really sorry, I was awful, I shouldn’t have…”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Dis agreed. “But I must apologize to you too. I should have seen how tired you were that night, and I shouldn’t insisted to have you go. I am sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault, mother. Thorin always says I should rest more, it’s my fault.”

Dis pinched her lips. “Your uncle says that, doesn’t he? Yet he’s the one making you work. Well not anymore. I thought I could trust Thorin to be responsible in his treatment of you. Clearly, I was mistaken. I am taking matters in my own hands now, and that will start by the making of a schedule which both you and you uncle will learn to respect.”

“It’s not that…”

“Just tell me it’s not that bad, my darling boy, and I will be forced to _slap_ you. I have talked to Thorin, and Balin. It isn’t that bad, it’s _much worse_. I can’t believe that either of you thought it normal. You sleep about as much as your uncle, and he has the excuse of having suffered from insomnia for over a century.”

Fili shrugged, and looked away. He didn’t feel like what had been happening in Erebor was much worse than how things had been in Ered Luin… except for the fact that he sometimes got some free time in Ered Luin, of course. Technically, he had also slept more back then… technically. His mother was there to send him to bed, but he’d often stay up reading until the middle of the night to make sure he’d understood all his lessons… and sometimes just to read something that _wasn’t_ work.

But he wasn’t about to protest a chance for more free time.

“You must really have yelled at uncle a lot if he agreed to that.”

“I didn’t have to. Just the fact that you were so tired it almost got you killed was a wonderful help in convincing him that you do need breaks from time to time. You’ve been asleep for a week, Fili. That is a long time, and your uncle loves you, even if he doesn’t always know how to show it.”

“Runs in the family,” Fili sighed. “I’m saying that for Thorin and Kili!” he quickly added, looking straight at her, worried she might take offence. “Not you, don’t worry.”

Dis smiled sadly at him, and Fili averted his gaze again.

“I do hope I’m not quite as bad as the boys,” his mother teased gently. “I would be very cross if you said I was no better than Thorin. I am not perfect, but thank the Maker, I know the difference between grumbling abuse at someone and telling them you love them. But I still wonder sometimes if I said it enough…”

“Mother?”

She shook her head. “That’s nothing. You need to rest, darling. Sleep for a bit, I’ll warn everyone that you’re better, and see if I can have some broth prepared for you… and then when you’re strong enough, Kit will want a hug I’m sure. She’s been begging for you all week… _mama_.”

Fili smiled.

He didn’t mind that his daughter called him mama, but he had a feeling others might start doing it too now. He wasn’t sure he liked that.

But he was getting tired, so he followed Dis’s advice, and closed his eyes.

  
  


Fili had a few visitors over the next few days.

Dis, of course, barely ever left his side, and Kit’s toys were brought into his bedroom so that she could be with him without risking getting bored or bothering him whenever he slept. She seemed perfectly delighted to have her father to herself all day long, and Fili was convinced that spending time with her was very much beneficial to his recovery.

Except when she jumped on his stomach, but she was a clever child and she soon learned _not_ to do that.

Dori, Ari and Balin came to see him almost everyday. Dis almost didn’t let Balin come in the first time, until he swore on Mahal and the Seven Fathers that he was there strictly on personal business, and promised that he wouldn’t say a word about the treaty with the East. He almost kept to his word, though as soon as Dis  had her back turned, the old dwarf told Fili that they had send a first draft of the treaty.

“Along with a letter to Ori, as usual. We didn’t tell him about your… situation. We felt it better not to say anything that might worry him until we were sure what was happening to you.”

“You mean until you knew if I would die,” Fili translated, making Balin and the others wince. “Sorry. It’s fine I… I have to write to him, I’ll tell him myself, it’ll be better. M’al, I hope Karad’s still around…”

“She is,” Ari assured him with a kind smile. “She’s home with us. Just write you letter when you can, give it to Nori when he’ll visit, and we’ll take care of the rest.”

“Take care of what exactly?” Dis asked, having finished washing Kit’s face to get rid of the jam there. She glared at Balin. “You’re not making my son work, you old thing. Oin said he needed rest and trust me, rest he will have, am I clear?”

“I wouldn’t dream of going against your orders, my lady,” Balin assured her with a bow and a grin. “And the well being of the boy is my greatest concern. We were talking of a private business only, I assure you.”

Dis didn’t look particularly convinced, and before long she was sending them away. No matter how much Fili promised her that they really had been talking of something that had nothing to do with his work for Thorin (which was a lie, technically, but a small one so he felt it didn’t matter), Dis made sure to always stay near them whenever Balin or Dori visited again… and when Ari came alone, she often talked to the princess more than to Fili, so it was no good.

These weren’t his only visitors, of course. The entire company came at one point or another, all of them very worried about him. Oin was his doctor, and the first time he came, he scowled the prince for not sleeping or eating enough, for working too much, for not being more careful with his wound, and many other things.

“You’re a touch lad, I’ll grant you that,” Oin said. “But there’s a limit, and if you don’t take breaks and care for yourself a little more, you’ll fall to pieces. I have enough work making sure your imbecile of an uncle doesn’t drop dead with how he treats himself, I’d appreciate if I didn’t have to start watching you too. You’re more clever than that, boy.”

“I’ll try, mister Oin.”

Bombur brought him his favourite cakes, “to help him get better” (Kit ate most of them, but Fili didn’t mind because she had seemed to enjoy them very much). 

Bifur and Jor told him to be careful if he started having headaches, and gave him a tip or two to deal with those, just in case. 

Gloin assured him he was organizing things so that when Fili went back to work, he’d have assistants to help him with things, handpicked by Gloin himself and with a background check from Nori.

Dwalin told him that Jerin had been arrested not two hours after the attack, and that after being interrogated by Nori, he had confessed to many things, including his responsibility in the attempts against Fili and Kit’s lives, and his role in Ori’s troubles right before his exile. Something in Dwalin’s voice made it clear that Nori’s interrogating methods didn’t please him at all. Fili decided he’d rather not know. Nori was capable of terrible things.  
Kili apologized profusely.

“I thought he was nice!” the younger prince claimed with a desperate look in his eyes. “I swear, if I had had any doubts about him… I’d never do anything to put _you_ in danger Fee, you know that, right? You’re the last person I’d ever want to see hurt!”

“Let’s take this as a divine sign that you shouldn’t try to find me a boyfriend,” his brother suggested, trying not to react to the fact Kili had virtually said that he wouldn’t have minded hurting _someone else_.

“How can you joke at such a time?” Kili pouted. “I’m being serious here!”

“So am I. The dwarf you tried to set me up with almost killed me, and all the ones before him were so boring it’s a wonder I didn’t jump off of a window to escape them. Please, don’t ever introduce me to anyone ever again. Please.”

“But…”

“ _Please_.”

Kili complained that he’d just been trying to help, and that he’d get it right eventually if he kept trying, but in the end, he agreed that he wouldn’t try again to introduce his brother to any potential romantic partner. Just for that, being stabbed hadn’t been a complete loss of time, Fili decided.

Thorin didn’t come, but he sent a basket of fruits. He wasn’t allowed to come, anyway. Dis had been very clear on that. She didn’t want her brother anywhere near her son until Fili was perfectly fine again, and until she had finished negotiating new rules concerning his work hours. She was still fighting to get him at least two free days a month, among other things.

  
  


Then one night, while Dis was putting Kit to bed, Nori came.

How he’d come, Fili wasn’t sure, but he suspected the window. Nori just couldn’t resist a chance for a dramatic entrance, and Dis might not have let him in. She was rather cross at him for how long it had taken for his dwarves to intervene. She thought he hadn’t taken the threat seriously enough.

Fili had his own opinion on that.

“You’re looking good, little prince,” Nori greeted him. “Look at you, you don’t even have bags under your eyes. You should get stabbed more often if that’s the effect it has on you.”

“Careful, if my mother hears you, you’ll be in trouble.”

“I’m always in trouble, that’s my default state. It’s when no one hates me that I have to worry.”

“You sound like Thorin.”

Nori grinned. “Us dwarves of power have a tough life. Get used to it, you are in the same situation. I told you it was a bad idea to make Jerin attack you. Even if I’ve started telling that it was a plan to get rid of good old Jerin, your reputation took a nasty blow, and the damage control won’t be easy. We should have used Kit, or Kili.”

“But if the assassins had gone after Kili, would your spies have arrived in time to save him, or would they have taken even more time than for me?”

Nori didn’t flinch or wince, or react in any way beside a crooked smile that could have meant anything, but Fili felt more sure than ever before that it wasn’t just bad luck that had gotten him stabbed.

“I’d have protected your brother as much as I could have,” Nori assured him. “I have sworn to protect Erebor, and the royal family.”

“In that order,” Fili noted. “And all that comes after Ori. I’m sure we are all a very small sacrifice to make if it can get you your brother back, right?”

Nori threw him a strange look, not quite a glare, almost… fond, in an angry way. It wasn’t an expression Fili was used to see directed toward him. It was the way Nori looked at Dwalin these days, the way he used to look at Ori sometimes. Fili couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or not.

“Just so we’re clear, little prince,” Nori said after a moment, “the only reason I’m trying to make Ori come back is because of you. He’s got a good life there, a good reputation, a good job, a future if he wants to. The only thing he has here is you. If you had died, I’d have made sure the banishment was lifted, just in case, but I’d have told him to stay in Gabilbizar.”

“Oh. So it… really was an accident, then?”

It was a scary thought. If Nori could mess up that much, there was something wrong in the world.

The older dwarf smirked.

“It wasn’t all an accident,” he admitted. “I felt you deserved a holiday.”

“So you had me stabbed and concussed? Nice plan.”

Nori grimaced. “I was counting on you fighting back better than that. The stabbing was planned, the trying to break a wall with your head and not waking up for a week wasn’t. Khrum was pretty bad at his job, he shouldn’t have gotten so close to success. You were closer to breaking than I expected.”

“Sorry?”

“You can be. It’d have been a bother to make sure your brother never got on the throne. I might have been forced to have him killed, and that would have been annoying to plan.”

Nori smiled.

Fili didn’t.

It had been four days since he’d woken up, and since that moment, everyone had told him that he needed to take better care of himself now. He had always agreed to everything they said, knowing perfectly well that before long, he’d probably be back to his usual rhythm. Nori had just given a good reason to mind his health a little more. It had been said with the air of a joke, but if anything happened to him, Fili felt sure that his brother wouldn’t survive him very long.

“So, you’ve got Jerin,” the price said to change the subject. “Do you think he can be convinced to… help us?”

“Yes.”

Nori smiled again. It wasn’t a nice smile. Fili had seen _wargs_ show their teeth and look less dangerous than that.

Jerin was a bad dwarf, and a danger to all of Erebor.

But no one deserved… whatever it was that made Nori smile that way. 

“I think I’m getting tired,” Fili announced, feeling cowardly for wanting to escape like that. “Sorry, just... they give me medicine to make sure nothing gets infected or painful, I get sleepy.”

“Sure. I’ll come again whenever I have time. Try to get your next letter for Ori ready, but don’t get caught by your mother. She’ll start asking questions, and I’d rather not have to lie to her.”

“Are you scared, master Nori?”

“ _Yes_. Your mother is a terrifying woman,” Nori explained with a fake shiver and a smile that  looked less threatening now. “Sleep well then, kid. We all want you back to full health as soon as possible.”

Fili wished him good night, and watched him go, but for many long minutes after he was left alone, he couldn’t close his eyes.

He liked Nori, he really did. And he’d always known that his lover’s brother was a dwarf of… dubious morality, mostly because he thought Right and Wrong were things that didn’t apply to him. It made Nori a… loveable rogue, or something of the sort, and they all liked that.

Fili wanted to like Nori. In a couple years, with any luck, they would be family.

But it was a lot more difficult to like him knowing that he wouldn’t think twice about killing Kili, that he could do to another dwarf things that had made even Dwalin uncomfortable, and then smile like that…

If Ori hadn’t been the most perfect dwarf in the history of dwarfishness, Fili might have reconsidered their courting then, just because it made him feel a little uncomfortable to have a brother in law like that… But at the same time, if Ori could love him in spite of his having Kili for a brother, then Fili could make an effort too.

But the Maker help them, family gatherings would really be something.


	25. Jerin's trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerin is brought to justic  
> but more importantly, letter are exchanged  
> and Thorin makes a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favourite chapter.  
> I am sorry for not giving you more of the trial, I guess? But that's just... not... what I like writing?

_"Dear Ori_

_"There has been progress in bringing you home, but you might not enjoy the details of it. To make it short, someone tried to kill me, and since they had been paid by Jerin, we were able to have him arrested much sooner than expected._

_"Do not worry about me, I am perfectly fine. It is barely worth mentioning, really, apart from the fact that it comes right at the good moment to help us. The Maker might have decided we had been away for long enough, who knows? Oin says I might get a scar, but it won’t be nearly as impressive as the one I have because of the battle of the five armies. In fact, I’m sure you won’t even notice that new one, it is rather small._

_"It’s not so bad, really. I was given three weeks of holidays as a result, and that is just counting the time after I woke up. Mother also decided that from now on, I will work less hours, because everyone seems convinced I wouldn’t have been hurt at all if only I hadn’t been so tired. I am not sure if it means they have a high opinion of my capacities when I am in a good state, or if they just think me very stupid for not having a more healthy lifestyle. A little bit of both, I suppose. Still, I will not complain. Anything that can give me more time with Kit is a good thing._

_"And now, Jerin will soon start. Justice is swift when you attack the royal family of Erebor. Nori is very confident that Jerin will work along with our plan, and I suppose I trust him. I do not have any other choice._

_"We might soon be together at last, my love. Seeing you again is all I have wanted for years now. I would have been happy to see you as a friend, I will be happier yet to see you as a lover. May I just say that your last letter was wonderfully cruel? It filled my mind with so many images and desires… Even when you are back, my love, it will be hard to resist until we are engaged… but we will manage._

_"Until then, we can kiss and hold hands, I can braid your hair… I have wanted that so much. There have been times on the quest when it took all of my self control not to touch your hair. Will you be terribly cross at me if I tell you that I actually did touch it, once? It was after the spiders, in Mirkwood… It looked as though we would die, I was so hungry and tired, and you seemed so sick from the creatures’ poison… so for a few seconds, I told myself it didn’t matter that you were my brother’s lover, and I pretended to rearrange your hair a little. We were all going to die, after all. I felt very guilty about it when we didn’t die, but I can’t say I ever regretted it. You have wonderful hair, my love._

_"Will you let me brush it and braid it? Will you do the same for me? I have seen you help your brothers, so I know I would be quite safe in your hands. If you can manage their extravagant styles, there is nothing you can’t do. I’m not sure I am half as good as you are, my darling, and your new style is a little more elaborate than what I’m used to do, from what I could see in that picture of you, but I will try my best. And if it doesn’t work, you will just have to teach me. I am ready to learn anything that you can want to share with me._

_"I just want anything at all that I can have, really. It is such a torture to be away from you… I want you by my side now. I want to see you smile, I want to hear you laugh, I want to take your hand and kiss your hair, your forehead, your cheek, your lips. I want to hold you close, to feel you in my arms, warm against me. I do not mean just for sex, either. I want to sit by your side and read together, I want to kiss you while we wait for dinner to finish cooking, I want to lay in bed with you while Kit sleeps between us. I want to many things, and knowing that I cannot have them this very instant is so painful sometimes…_

_"But sadly, there is nothing I can do about, nothing but to wait._

_"I am waiting, my love, and hoping things will turn out for the best._

_"I am waiting, and missing you more than ever._

_"Fili._

  
  


Jerin’s trial attracted a lot of attention, of course. A dwarf that had confessed to having been responsible for three attacks against the royal family couldn’t be judged without a great amount of gossip. People seemed quite fascinated by that great criminal mastermind.

Jerin didn’t look like he’d been tortured. He looked smiling, and confident, and in perfect health.

Nori was good at what he did.

Of course, Jerin was given a lawyer, and a great one at that, who defended his client fiercely, but the proofs were overwhelming, and Jerin himself had admitted his crimes.

The trial was still a long one. It wasn’t just about Jerin, as Fili soon realized; Nori wanted to destroy his network too, and to make sure no dwarf who wasn’t king of Erebor ever gained that much power over the mountain again. He had been a dwarf of many talents after all, arranging murders, controlling thieves, making small businesses pay for protection… a king of the dark, some people called him.

No wonder Nori didn’t like him, Fili thought. It was Nori’s job to be a shadowy character with far too much power and too many connections, he probably didn’t like having concurrents.

  
  


Jerin’s fate still hadn’t been decided when Ori’s next letter arrived.

  
  


“Dear Fili

"You have been wounded, and you think it is barely worth mentioning? Really? You are lucky I’m so far away, or I think I’d get angry at you for being so careless with your life! It is worth mentioning! Tell me, would you have hidden it from me if you hadn’t been hurt, if the attack had been unsuccessful? 

"And don’t you tell me this is just luck. I am not stupid, Fili. If you are going to treat me like an idiot, this courtship will have to end. It would pain me greatly, because I love you more than I’ve ever love before, but be sure of it, but I have learnt my lesson, and I won’t let myself be treated as less than I am.

"I know you and Nori had a plan. I know neither of you talked about the details of it. Then suddenly someone tries to kill him, and that person is send by the exact dwarf who you wanted to use as a scapegoat to bring me home again, earning you more free time in the process, and you really want me to believe this is a coincidence? Is that the idea you have of my brain power? Where Nori is concerned, coincidences don’t happen.

"I forgive you for this time, because I can understand that you maybe you didn’t want me to feel guilty for what happened. But don’t do that again. The truth might hurt, but lies destroy.

"I just wanted to get that clear.

"Now, I can say that I am glad that things are moving at last! It’s been a rough few weeks here (I can’t say much about that… but I hate salt, I hate it forever, and I never want to ever again be involved in negotiations about it!), so it was so wonderful to hear that there’s some change! There’s been days I could hardly believe that I’d ever get home at all… but it might happen after all! I could see you again, I could be with my mothers and brothers… Oh, I’m crying just thinking of it! It’s too wonderful…

"I feel a little sorry for Jerin, that he had to be sacrificed like that… and falling into Nori’s hands… I wouldn’t have wished that even to Azog or Smaug! I don’t like him too much, but does he really deserve that? (I think not) (no one does)

"Sorry this isn’t a very happy letter. I fell in a lake a couple days ago, and now I have a terrible cold, and it’s been an awful month altogether, and the fact you tried to lie to me didn’t help. But I’m sure I can find something cheerful to tell you…

"The Queen’s daughter is going to be formally presented as her heir very soon. The princess is still very young, but she’s a bright little thing. She’ll make a great ruler one day, if she keeps learning her lessons so well… not that she doesn’t have fun on the side. Her brother and her are little terrors, driving everyone crazy. I’ve had to babysit them once or twice… I think I’d rather negotiate again with elves than that now (that is a lie. They are exhausting, but so lovely!)

"What else… Harud’s eldest son is going to be apprenticed to a glass-blower. He’s apparently very happy of it.

"There are chicks in the raven tower! They are so very cute, and Thren is doting on them. A true mother hen, if you don’t mind the pun.

"I’ve had three adoptions offer. Two from important people in Gabilbizar, and one from when I travelled South with Lord Thelor… but I’m very suspicious about that last one. That lady had a brother my age, and he tried to flirt with me, so… I don’t like thinking the worst of people, but that is very strange indeed. Still, it’s a rather nice feeling that people would have such a good opinion of me… most of it is just that I work for Thelor of course, and his secretaries are always very sought after by noble families who want to adopt, but still.

"And that will be it for today. I’ve got a terrible headache coming, and Thelor will be furious if he comes in and finds me writing. He said he’d check on me later, and I’m supposed to rest. But not even sickness can prevent me from writing to you… and I was getting so terribly bored anyway! Rest is no fun.

"I love you, and I miss you

"Ori.

  
  


_"Ori,_

_"I am so sorry that I lied to you. It was wrong of me, and there are no words for how much I regret it. I was so unsure how you would react if you know that our plan involved danger for me, however small… I didn’t think i’d get injured, really, and it truly is a very small wound._

_"Please, please forgive me, i didn’t mean to offend or hurt you in any way, I promise. I am so sorry that I did. I realize now that it was a bad idea, and I am so sorry. I will never again lie to you, my love. Thank you for giving me another chance, and I swear on my honour that I will never do anything like this again._

_"I wish I could make myself forgiven, but I do not have much news to give yet. Jerin’s trial is still going on. Nori keeps bringing new charges to light… and trust me, you shouldn’t feel bad about what could have happened to Jerin while in was in your brother’s hands. I will not go into details, but he deserved it. Mahal, he deserved it. Bad as he was in Erebor, he did worse in Ered Luin, under a few other names… It makes me wonder if framing him really was Nori’s best plan to bring you back, or if he just wanted to kill two birds with one stones. Well, two birds or more. Your brother is a terrifying dwarf, my love._

_"My initial plan was to wait a little to write to you, until Jerin had been judged and we had convinced Thorin to lift your banishment… but it could happen tomorrow, or in two months, and I just don’t want to risk staying longer without news from you. And anyway, I am quite sure that by the time I write to you again, it will be settled._

_"Can you imagine, Ori? We’re getting you home… It’s certain this time! And I don’t say that just because it is what I want. I am saying it because it is now almost certain. Just the other day at dinner, mother told uncle that now that we knew you’d been pushed to your limits by “that son of an orc” (her words), exile was far too strong a punishment for what had happened. Thorin didn’t say anything, and Kili and Diat didn’t look too comfortable, but who cares? What my mother wants, she obtains._

_"Beside, the negotiations with your Queen are going well, so we might get to welcome your ambassador sooner than we expected, Balin says. We’ve started giving orders to have a place prepared to become the new embassy. You might travel with him, in his delegation, who knows? It would certainly be the safest option, wouldn’t it? I think I could wait a little more to see you if I knew you’d travel safely, and in good company._

_I say that, but at the same time I cannot wait, my darling. Everything is going according to plan, and everything is going so well lately, it feels almost too good to be true. You are going to come home, Thorin is treating me like a living being rather than just a troll he needs to change into a proper heir… and Kit is starting to talk! She can say mama (that’s me), dragon (her favourite toy), no (her favourite word), jam, and stop._

_"And that’s just the good news about me. Everyone is doing very well. Gimli’s back from Mirkwood… and so is Legolas. Apparently, they got into a few fights against the spiders there, and now they call themselves shield brothers. You should see the look on Gloin’s every time someone mentions that in front of him, it is priceless. And since I am fairly sure that this is only a first step toward worse things between these two, I feel very sorry for poor Gloin._

_"I do not know what my cousin sees in that elf, really. But I have thought about it a lot, you know. And if Bofur could find happiness with a hobbit, why wouldn’t Gimli be happy with an elf? Certainly, uncle will have a heart attack if his own cousin ever gets engaged to the son of the person he hates the most in the world, and then I’ll have to become king… but at least, Gimli will be happy, so that’s something._

_"Beside, I’ll have you by my side to help me… I won’t mind being king so much, if you are here to help me._

_"I do not think I could mind anything at all if you were here._

_"I miss you so much, my love, and I cannot wait to see you again._

_"I love you so much_

_"Fili_

  
  


A week after Fili had sent his letter to Ori, Jerin was judged guilty, and sentenced to death by decapitation.

The prince almost regretted not having waited a little longer after all… before deciding that it was better like that. Jerin might have been found guilty, but it might still take some time to convince Thorin to allow Ori to come back. The king was a stubborn dwarf, and a proud one.

He would make the right choice in the end, especially with both Dis and Nori determined to have the banishment lifted, but he would probably fight against the very last moment.

At least, that had been Fili’s opinion.

He was quite surprised when two days later, Thorin mentioned before his council that he intended to change Ori’s sentence.

“The boy made some mistakes,” he explained, “and it was wrong of him to attack a prince of the line of Durin, no matter what. Still, I have to take into account the new discoveries we have made over the past few months. He is guilty, but not as much as we first thought.”

“You would restore him in his former privileges?” one lord asked.

Diat’s cousin, Fili thought, glaring at him.

“That would set a bad precedent,” Thorin replied. “He had been stripped of all the honours that had been granted to him for his services in restoring Erebor, and it shall remain so. But he will be allowed to return in Erebor, if he wishes to.”

Fili felt his heart beat hard. It couldn’t be… already? So soon?

He thanked Mahal, and any of the Valar that might be listening to him. Finally, _finally_ things were starting to go well.

“What if he attacks the prince again, or his wife?” someone worried

“If he knows what is good for him,” Thorin said,  “he will never again come near our family… and he was a rather smart boy when he wanted.”

The smartest of them all, Fili thought. But as for not coming again near their family… Thorin was in for a surprise. But he would deal with that later. It didn’t matter for now. The only thing that matter was that Ori would come home.

Ori was coming back to him.

After so many years, he would see Ori again.

Some of the lords weren’t too happy, of course, especially among those who were linked to Diat’s family… but the majority of them admitted that it was only fair, after what they had discovered about Jerin’s role in the whole thing.

The thing was quickly decided, and when Thorin signed in front of them three copies of the document announcing the lift on Ori’s exile, no one protested.

Fili felt like he was in the middle of a dream.

It was all going so well.

He should have known it wouldn’t last.

But when his uncle asked him to stay, after the end of the council, Fili thought nothing of it. That was nothing out of the ordinary, and even if he wanted nothing more than to run to Ari’s to tell her the good news, it was easy to put on a polite smile for his uncle.

“Sit,” Thorin ordered, while he started pacing next to his nephew’s chair.

“Is… is anything the matter, uncle?”

“Yes. Fili, you know I care for you. You are my heir, and my nephew, and if I could, I would see you happy.”

That didn’t sound good, but Fili kept smiling. He didn’t like it when his uncle tried to be emotional. He was terrible at it, and usually ended up making things worse… but he _had_ just allowed Ori to come home, and so the prince would indulge him.

“You and I have often had different ideas of what could make me happy, uncle. But I know you often mean well, yes.”

“You are a prince of Erebor,” Thorin said. “I want you to be happy, but it can never be my priority. Our kingdom, our people, our family must come first, always.”

Fili frowned. That didn’t sound good at all.

“Are trying to tell me something, uncle?”

“I am. I know where your heart lies, Fili, and I know what you want, but you have to understand this: even if Ori comes back, even if he ever returns your affections, you can never marry him.”


	26. all I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know where your heart lies, Fili, and I know what you want, but you have to understand this: even if Ori comes back even if he ever returns your affections, you can never marry him.”
> 
> Fili stared at his uncle, hardly breathing.

“I know where your heart lies, Fili, and I know what you want, but you have to understand this: even if Ori comes back even if he ever returns your affections, you can never marry him.”

Fili stared at his uncle, hardly breathing.

He hadn’t heard what he thought he’d just heard. Thorin wouldn't say that. Thorin didn’t know he’d had a hand in… in the whole business with Nori and Jerin, with the little conspiracy to bring Ori home. As far as Thorin knew, Fili hadn’t talked to Ori since before the day he’d attacked Kili.

Thorin knew nothing, so why…

“I am not saying he isn’t a good boy, Fili. Mahal knows he wouldn’t normally hurt a fly, and what happened with Kili was a tragic accident, nothing more. But that is the first problem with him, of course: he just isn’t _fit_ for the sort of responsibilities a consort of yours would have to face. He is soft and shy, and if he couldn’t defend himself in front of his own lover, what would he do in front of diplomats, of guildmasters?”

That sounded rehearsed, Fili thought, clenching his fists.

“Then there is the problem of his family. He is a bastard. It didn’t matter much when we were in Ered Luin, and pride was the only thing left to us, and it didn’t matter much when it was Kili he married, since the chances of him ever getting on the throne were more than low. But having a fatherless boy as the consort of Erebor simply isn’t possible, not when his mother too is of rather uncertain lineage. You could be allowed a commoner, a miner, anyone, but the bastard of a bastard? Even you can only understand that it isn’t _acceptable_.”

That was definitively rehearsed.

“Beside, there is the matter of his attack on Kili. We both know he was pushed to it. Whether it was by that Jerin or by your brother, I do not care, the fact is that, as I’ve said, he is normally too _soft_ to harm anyone. Still, he tried to that time, and it was the wrong time and the wrong moment to grow a backbone. It was public, it was against a prince, against his future husband, and perhaps more importantly, it was the first time most people really heard about him.”

It was the voice Thorin used for official speeches. As if his nephew were a bunch of merchants he needed to convince of the necessity of some new regulation.

“Until then, he was just one of fourteen names. He never made friends, he never had a personality that gathers attention, he never did any work that could bring him fame. Which isn’t the same as saying he didn’t _do_ any work, mind you. What he did with Balin was necessary and useful, but accounting doesn’t catch people’s attention the way running an hospital or supervising the cleaning of streets and repairs of buildings does. People didn’t know him before he became your brother’s attacker. To us he might be a friend and a companion that faced hard times by our side, but in the public eye, he is only a dwarf who attacked his own lover… and now also a weak dwarf who was manipulated by a criminal. Can you really be thinking of having someone like this by your side on the throne?”

“I love him.”

It was the only thing Fili could answer, and he knew it was the wrong one.

Love didn’t matter.

Erebor mattered, pride mattered, public opinion mattered.

The fact that Ori was Fili’s One, that they were in love, didn’t matter.

It never had, not to Thorin.

“Please, uncle. Please don’t do this to me. I haven’t asked many things from you. Please let me have this.”

“Fili…”

“I love him! I have loved him for years, and he loves me, he does, he said so!”

It wasn’t a smart move, Fili knew it. Thorin wasn’t supposed to know about his correspondence with Ori, it wasn’t the plan…

But he needed every weapon he had.

He couldn’t lose Ori. Not because of bloody Erebor. Not again.

“Is that was Nori told you?” Thorin asked. “Is that how he convinced you to play along with his mad scheme this time?”

“I volunteered for that, uncle, and no, Nori didn’t tell me anything. _Ori_ did, we’ve been… we’ve been writing since he arrived in the Orocarni, and we became friends, and more than friends. He loves me, uncle, and I love him. He is my One, I know it.”

Thorin looked at him with pity, and understanding.

Fili didn’t give a damn about _understanding_.

He didn’t want his uncle to _understand_ , he wanted him to _agree_ , to let him be with the dwarf he loved.

“We all have to make sacrifices, Fili,” Thorin said instead. “For the greater good.”

“The greater good?” Fili shouted, jumping on his feet. “What do I care for the greater good? I don’t want the greater good, I want Ori!”

“You need to calm down,” his uncle said soothingly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Fili pushed him away.

He didn’t need comfort, didn’t want it.

“I’ve always done everything you wanted!” the prince spat. “I’ve done my best to please you, to be good enough, always, and I never asked for anything in return, and every time you criticized me I just worked harder. And now, for once, there’s something that’s important to me. I love him, and I want to be with him, and it would make me happy to be with him. Does that really count for nothing? You are my uncle, my mother’s brother, will you really dare to condemn me to be alone for the rest of my days?”

Thorin looked heartbroken, as if it pained him to be there.

But one needed a heart to have it broken.

And the kings next words confirmed he didn’t have one.

“I will send Ori the document that proves he is now free to come back to Erebor. I will also send a letter to the competent authorities to tell them they should discourage him of leaving the Orocarni. There is nothing here for him, and it would be cruel to both of you to have him come back, especially if he really returns your feelings.”

“I’ll tell him to come anyway,” Fili hissed. “Nori and I, we’ll…”

“ _You and him will do nothing_ ,” Thorin cut him, glaring at him. “I am still your _king_ , and his! And if you do not care about this, others will! If I tell the Queen in the East that I do not want that boy to leave her kingdom, she will keep him where he is! I understand that this hurts you, and I wish there was another way. If I could let you have your lover I _would_ , because no matter the low opinion of me you have, I do love you, I do want to see you happy. It hurts me that I have to hurt you like this, but I would rather hurt you _now_ , before you get your hopes too high, than have that boy come here only for the two of you to discover that the public opinion hates him and doesn’t want to see the heir to the throne share the bed of a weak willed bastard!”

Fili slumped back on his chair.

It wasn’t fair.

Everything had been going so well, Ori loved him, and their plan had worked, it had all been so perfect, and now it was all for nothing.

“I’ll run away,” he whispered, staring at his feet and fighting tears. “I’ll go East to be with him. I’ll take Kit with me, and we’ll happy together, far away from your accursed mountain and from _you_.”

“If you really meant that, you would have done it long ago. If you stayed before, you will stay now. Erebor needs you.”

“I _hate_ you,” Fili hissed. “I hate you, and I hate your mountain, and I hate Kili, but more than anything I hate _you_.”

“You aren’t the first to tell me that, and you will not be the last. Hate me if it helps you. I cannot change my mind.”

Fili stopped fighting the tears.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t _fair_.

 

Fili wasn’t sure how he got home after that conversation.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered.

Thorin _was_ the king, his word _was_ above all else. If he didn’t want Ori to come back then Ori _wouldn’t_ come back, not until Thorin changed his mind or died.

It was the first time in his life Fili sincerely wished for his uncle’s death.

Ori was all he wanted. Ori and Kit, and just the right to be _happy_.

He had done everything he could to be good. He had given up so much for Erebor. He didn’t have friends like Kili did, he didn’t craft beautiful things in the forge anymore like his mother did, he couldn’t train and hunt like Gimli did, because he had to learn how to be a king.

He had done _everything_ that had been asked of him.

All for nothing.

And it wasn’t fair.

But that was how it was, and there was nothing Fili could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter... but it felt right that way, somehow?


	27. seeking advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili asks people a few questions, and gets answers he's not sure he likes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how long this took me! D:  
> I am dealing with school works, and more importantly, I had a MAJOR block, and I didn't know how to write this chapter (this is my third version of it, and it's not perfect, but it'll be good enough because I don't want to write it again)  
> Anyway, updates will be veeeeery slow until October, and I am very sorry, but that's the way it is...D:

“That’s not entirely unexpected,” Nori told Fili. “You should have told me that he knew you loved Ori, though. I can’t take that into account what I don’t know. Why did you ever tell him _that,_ anyway?”

Fili looked down.

Nori had come to visit him the very evening after his… conversation with Thorin, and while he knew this was important, he just felt tired, in a way he hadn’t been in weeks.

“I told him before the quest,” he admitted anyway. “When… I didn’t want Ori to come with us, I wanted him to stay in Ered Luin and be safe and that… that was my last card. It… didn’t work.”

Thorin had just done his best to make sure he never was alone with Ori after that.

Fili had told his uncle a second time that he loved the other dwarf, on the day when he’d asked his uncle to talk to Kili because something had been _wrong_ in the way he had treated Ori since they had arrived in Erebor.

It hadn’t worked that time either.

It never worked.

“You should have come to tell me right away what Thorin was planning, at least,” Nori complained. “I might have done something if I had known right away, instead I discovered it when Thorin asked to use our raven. And if nothing else, I’d have appreciated a _warning_. I’ll have to lay low for a while now. I’m not exactly in your uncle’s good books at the moment. That’s royalty for you: you rid them of a dangerous underground network that was a real threat, but they only see the bit where you tried to push your personal interests at the same time.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Nori sighed, patting his shoulder. “Most of it is my own fault, I should have _known_ Thorin might understand what was going on, and that he wouldn’t like it. Bad news is, that means it’s become a matter of pride for him, and we all know how that usually ends.”

Fili nodded darkly. It ended with Thorin trying to throw friends down a mountain because they had dared to do the right thing. Of course at the time he had been under the influence of gold sickness, but still, madness ran in the family, everyone said so, and what if it came back?

“Well, it could be worse I guess,” Nori decided. “At least, Thelor will answer quickly, I’m sure. He was sure that affection for you wouldn’t triumph over your uncle sense of what a king ought to be. He won’t resist sending me a ‘I told you so’... and he sort of likes Ori, so he might help you.”

“And now, we wait?” Fili asked.

“And now we wait.”

 

The first week was the hardest.

After so long of hoping, it was hard for Fili to suddenly find himself back to nothing. He had been so sure that he would soon see Ori again. It might have taken a couple years maybe, if they weren’t lucky, but it would have been soon. Now it was back to uncertainties, to the very real possibility he might never be with his lover after all. Because he couldn’t ask Ori to wait for him until Thorin’s death… his uncle wasn’t young, but he was in good health, and their family lived long, sometimes past three hundred.

It could be _decades_.

It could be half a life.

And the temptation to leave was stronger than ever, especially with Thorin so sure that he wouldn’t do it. Fili almost took it as a challenge, and all he wanted, all he needed, was for someone to tell him that he should go away.

 

His first try to get that advice was with Dwalin. After all, Fili thought, the older dwarf was also in a complicated relationship with someone who didn’t have a father, and so knowing what Dwalin thought about what he had with Nori might help.

He went to see the captain of the guards one day, pretending that he just wanted to share some cakes he had made with Ari. It wasn’t exactly suspicious as such, since it was something he normally did anyway. Dwalin rarely came to their family reunions, since there was officially nothing between him and Nori, and his only link to them was that he was Balin’s brother, but he still liked nice cakes as much as the next dwarf. Fili talked to him about his job for a few minutes before asking the question that really interested him.

“What would you do if you were told you couldn’t marry Nori?”

Dwalin looked at him for a few seconds, and burst out laughing.

“Is that a serious question, kid?”

“I thought it was, but you don’t seem to agree?”

The older dwarf grinned. “Fili, I like you, and you’re a good boy. But if you think I’m stupid enough to consider marrying Nori…”

“I thought… I thought it was sort of serious between you?” the prince said, perplexed.

The affection between Dwalin and Nori wasn’t obvious, not when you didn’t know how to look… or even when you did know how to look, to be honest. It wasn’t until they’d had a fight, after Jerin’s arrest, that Fili had really been sure of anything. For a couple weeks, the two dwarves had very obviously not talked to one another, and the prince had seen then the signs that they were both upset, a little quicker to anger… it had been a relief for everyone when they had made up.

Beside, they both looked a lot happier these days.

“I’m serious enough about it,” Dwalin told him. “Nori’s a _terrible_ dwarf, but he’s _my_ terrible dwarf. But with a job like his, making things public would be too big a risk for him… and even without that, he’s just not the type. I’m probably lucky he’s even willing to be vaguely monogamous most of the time, so marrying… I’d have to be stupid to _think_ about that.”

Fili nodded. That made sense, of course, but it didn’t help him one bit.

“But what if Nori were different, what if he were the marrying sort, and you were told you couldn’t have him?”

Dwalin frowned.

“I’m not sure I’d want him if he were different,” he said, missing the point entirely. “ Might be a silly thing to say, and Mahal knows I’ll regret it if he ever hears I’ve said that, but I like him the way he is. Beside I’m not too keen on courting and all that either, anyway. I’ve tried it once, it didn’t end too well.”

Fili changed the subject after that. Clearly, Dwalin wasn’t going to be helpful, but someone else might.

 

Someone like Gimli.

Fili train of thought was easy: Gimli, even more than Dwalin, was in a complicated relationship that his entire family disapproved of. There might be only friendship between him and his elf, as he always claimed, but that was already enough to anger Gloin. Even Oin, who worked with an elf of his own, didn’t like it too much. And on top of it, Gimli had to understand what it felt like to be away from someone important: Legolas visited often enough, and Gimli had gone to Mirkwood once, but it never lasted.

It was easy to find time with Gimli. Fili’s young cousin was always complaining that they barely ever talked these days, so when the prince suggested they trained together, the younger dwarf had been more than happy.

Even if nothing else came out of it, it was fun to fight with Gimli. He was fierce, and quick, and strong, and he just knew the _best_ insults.

Which meant that he would never, _ever_ babysit Kit, Fili decided when they stopped at last, both of them panting and grinning.

Gimli’s grinned remained as they sat and drank some water.

It disappeared when Fili asked him what he’d do if he were forbidden to see Legolas again.

“Not you too!” his cousin snarled. “Bad enough when it’s my parents and my uncle and everyone, but if you start too… Who’s next now, Thorin?”

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t see him!” Fili quickly replied. “I think it’s great you have found yourself a shield-brother, even if he’s… weird and tall and he doesn’t have a beard.”

“He might not have a beard, but he can kick your bony ass,” Gimli retorted. “Or I will, you say anything against him while he’s not here to defend himself. It’s not his bloody fault that he’s born an elf, is it? No one cares that Bofur’s best friend is a hobbit, so why is this different?”

Fili snorted. “Gimli, are you seriously comparing you and your elf to Bilbo and Bofur?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Gimli grunted. “It’s the same, isn’t it? Bilbo’s another specie, and they’re always travelling together and…”

“And they’re lovers.”

Gimli glared at him, and Fili started laughing.

“Don’t look at me like that, it’s true! M’al, everyone knows it!”

“Well, I didn’t,” Gimli said dryly, before smiling. “But I suppose that does explain why father was so angry when I compared the two situations.”

That had them both laughing, and it felt good. It had been a while since Fili had had such fun… maybe he should start spending more time with his cousin.

“We’re not lovers though,” Gimli insisted once he had calmed down a little. “If he were a dwarf, I don’t say… and I think he wouldn’t mind if I were an elf, but… well. Things are what they are.”

“You should talk to Bofur next time he’s in Erebor, he might be able to help. But you didn’t answer my question: what would you do if people told you that you could no longer see Legolas?”

“I’d punch them in the face.”

“That was a serious question.”

“And that was a serious answer,” Gimli retorted tartly. “There’s not many people who have the power to separate me from my shield brother. Only your uncle… and you in a few years. And trust me, if you do this, you’d better have a good reason.”

“And if we did?”

“Then I’d obey,” Gimli said as if it were obvious. “A direct order from my king, what else could I do? I’d hate you for it, probably, but if the reason’s good, if it’s for the sake of Erebor or something like that, I’d break off all my ties with Legolas. Kin comes before everything else. But you _won’t_ make me do that, right?”

The younger dwarf looked so worried that Fili could only promise that he’d never do such a thing, and that he’d fight for Gimli if Thorin ever decided to do that…

Even if Gimli’s answer hadn’t been what he’d hoped to hear.

If his cousin, hot tempered and stubborn as he was, could think of leaving his closest friend behind if it was for the greater good, then certainly Fili ought to do the same…

Or he could try to ask one more person

 

“What would you have done if anyone had told you that you couldn’t marry Dori?” Fili asked Balin one afternoon, after they had finished working.

The old dwarf shot him a strange look, and smiled.

“Well, I suppose I would wait a century until the circumstances were right for it, obviously,” he chuckled. Fili must have made a strange face, because Balin’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Oh, so you didn’t know? I thought everybody did. It isn’t exactly a secret… though come to think of it, you were only a toddler for the last part of the story. That’s the tragedy of being old, you forget that others _aren’t_.”

“I thought… I thought you and Dori had just gotten closer during the quest?” Fili admitted. “I was aware you sort of knew each other before, but I had never imagined… a century?”

Balin nodded, and Fili felt his heart clench. A century. What sort of person waited a century for their lover? It had only been a few years for him, and it was already more than he could bear.

“Why did you wait so _long_?”

“Many reasons,” Balin sighed. “We had one date when we were young, but two days later a dragon attacked Erebor, which sort of put everyone’s lives on hold, as you might have been told. Neither of us was sure the other had even survived, not until a couple years later. We had a second date then… right before Thror decided it might be a good idea to go see if we could live again in Khazad Dum. I went. Dori didn’t, because his mother had fallen sick.”

“How sick?”

“Pretty badly. It was the sort of sickness that lasts fifteen months and leaves you with another mouth to feed, though we didn’t know it at the time. _Ori’s_ mouth. Nori was born in Erebor, after Ari’s husband died. We could pretend for him, even if the dates didn’t quite fit, but Ori? There was no pretence possible. He was a bastard. And I just couldn’t marry a dwarf whose brother was a bastard, it just wasn’t an option, no matter what our feelings were.”

Fili frowned.

How could any dwarf do such a thing? How could anyone give up on their One for such a stupid reason? Certainly, Fili himself had renounced being with Ori, twice, but he’d had good reasons, like the hope it would make both his brother and Ori happy (that had backfired) or the fear that his entire family’s reputation would be ruined if another scandal were to strike it…

Which might have been close to what Balin could have felt at the time, the prince realized, except it really wasn’t. Fili had been heartbroken over what he’d done, he still was, whereas Balin was talking about it as if it had been nothing at all…

“It was long ago,” the old dwarf said as if he could hear his thoughts. “I was still young, and fairly stupid, and I’ve had time to make my peace with it. Beside, Dori forgave me, once I finally did the clever thing and asked him to marry him… and he admitted himself that it might have been for the best that things happened the way they did. Even if I had married him after Azanulbizar, I would have been forced to ask him to never see his family again, it would have been the only way to… make everything less scandalous. And since Nori left home around that time, Ari would have been left alone with Ori, and they might not have managed.”

“It rather sounds like you’re trying to justify yourself,” Fili noted, but he quickly regretted it. “Sorry. That was mean.”

“But not entirely untrue. Dori forgave me, but there’s days when I’m not so sure I forgave myself. Considering all that has happened over the years, I suppose I’m very lucky we even get to finish our lives together… Especially with everything that happened with Ori. If you want my advice, lad, don’t ever try to tell your lover that someone is justified in _any way_ to exile their brother. It never ends well, even when you’re trying to make things better.”

Fili nodded distractedly.

“Have you… did you ever think of running away with him, back then?”

“Sometimes. But what good would it have been? Who would have supported my mother during her last years if I had ran away? Who would have helped Dwalin deal with the aftermath of Azanulbizar? Who would have been at Thorin’s side when he had to become a king long before his time? I had responsibilities… and so do you, since I’m fairly sure you aren’t asking all these questions just because my great romance with Dori is of interest to you.”

The prince flushed guiltily, and Balin smiled sadly at him.

“I know it isn’t easy, lad, especially after getting your hopes up like that… we are all very disappointed. But you have a duty to you family, to your kingdom, and who will fulfill it if not you? Kili could make a decent king if he had to, if he were surrounded by the right people, but he would never be a good one. The boy just doesn’t know how to _care_. You do… too much, at times, but it’s the sort of things where too much is better than too little. So if you want someone to tell you to leave, my prince, I’m afraid it won’t be me.”

“No,” Fili sighed. “I suppose it won’t. But thank you for… for sharing this with me. I think it helped.”

 

And it did, really.

If Dwalin could be realistic enough to know that he’d never marry the dwarf he loved. If Gimli could say he’d give up on his shield brother for the greater good if it ever came to that. If Balin had waited a hundred years for the time to be right before he could marry his One.

Then certainly, Fili too could wait, and accept his duty, and know when circumstances weren't the best.

After all, Thorin was two hundred and thirteen. That meant he had between forty and eighty years left before him. It was a long time, certainly, but waiting that long was a worst case scenario, because until then, Fili intended to spend as much energy as he could to prove that Ori was more than worthy of him.

It would be easy enough, because of course Ori was a fantastic dwarf… and Nori would help, as would most of the company. All they had to do was start talking about him, saying the things he’d done during the quest… and after. People liked a good story, and the tale of a boy who wasn’t a fighter but had believed in his king and fought with all he had to help claim again a kingdom he had never even seen… a boy who had been exiled and sent away with nothing, only to build for himself a great life far away and now dealt with royalty in a distant country… people would _like_ that tale, and it was _more_ than time it started being told. Ori had been forgotten and left in Kili’s shadow for too long.

It would be easy, Fili decided as he walked to tell Nori about his idea.

And one day, if that worked well, Ori wouldn’t be talked about as just Kili’s first lover, or his brothers’ brother.

People would know Ori has the hero he had been during the quest, as the dwarf who’d worked so hard in the treasury when Erebor had started living again, the boy who worked for one of the greatest lords of the Orocarni.

So that when he’d come back, everyone would know who Ori was.

And they would all wonder if Fili really deserved someone so wonderful as that.

 


	28. New Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the failure of Nori's plan, it is time for other people to take things in their own hands

It was surprisingly easy to convince members of the company to say a few good words here and there about Ori. Jerin’s trial had brought back a number of stories that had circulated at the time of his exile, and no one seemed to like these too much.

“It’s a shame to all of us that they would think we took a pretty idiot on the quest,” Gloin explained to Fili. “There’s people who’ve decided he was some sort of whore that we all used for relief… it’s the sort of stories people like to tell. Well, _I_ don’t like it. The boy wasn’t much, but he was better than that, and so were we!”

“People think that of him?” the prince asked, feeling sick.

“That, and worse things, lad.”

Fili did not dare to ask what could be worse than saying Ori had been used by twelve dwarves, a wizard and a hobbit. Instead, he just thanked Gloin for the help he had promised.

And the others were even more willing than that. Not one of them had really dared to protest against the way Ori had been treated, because even with all they had gone through together, Thorin and his nephews _were_ royalty. But at the slightest hint that it would be welcome for them to defend their comrade, it looked as if a weight had been lifted from their shoulders.

“ _It’s not right what happened to him, what people say of him_ ,” Bifur complained. “ _Your brother isn’t a bad lad most of the time, but this was_ _ **wrong**_ _._ ”

“I’ll tell the kids about the things he did,” Bombur promised. “They love a good story, and if I tell them it’s a secret story, in less than a week all the kids in the neighbourhood will know what Ori is really capable of.”

“He didn’t look like much, with his pretty face and small as a hobbit,” Oin grunted, “But he was a good kid, and the things he did whenever he had Dwalin’s warhammer in hands… He might have been half the size of a proper dwarf, but he had at least twice the strength of any warrior larger than him. You should have seen him during the Battle… I reckon he probably killed more orcs than you and your brother together.”

“Everything that happened with Kili was an accident,” Dwalin claimed. “That’s not who he is, and at the time I only arrested him because I thought _everyone_ would see it had been an accident. I don’t know what I can do to help… words aren’t my thing, but what I can do, I will.”

“It’s a dangerous game you’re trying to play,” Balin warned him. “But I will do what I can, and I’m sure everyone who worked with him will help. He was too shy to make friends, and too desperate to get along with Kili’s friends too, but everyone who worked in the treasury liked him. He was always nice and polite and helpful, and for someone engaged to a prince, that’s not a given.”

Dori and Nori, of course, were even more willing to help than the others. Nori made sure that his network would have a few stories to tell about the very small dwarf with a very big hammer (Dori and Ari had glared at him when he’d said that, but Balin had quietly chuckled), and Dori started hinting here and there that, certainly, he was head of the merchants’ Guild, and one of his brother was in charge of the protection of the royal family, but the real pride of the family was the youngest one, who had made his way in society in the East and was now the right arm of the Queen’s most trusted advisor. Being Dori, he managed to boast in the most humble of ways, as if it really were nothing at all.

Fili felt like his acquaintance with that family was a perpetual education in manipulation… especially since Ari was just as bad as her sons. She was apparently terribly good at asking people about their family, showing the most sincere of interest and yet still managing to let it slip how much she missed her youngest, in spite of how well he was doing far in the East.

It probably wasn’t very subtle of them all to start praising Ori all of a sudden, Fili knew it, just as he knew that Thorin must have known what he was doing. But his uncle didn’t comment on it, which meant…

Fili wasn’t really sure what it meant.

Mostly, it meant Fili wasn’t going to stop trying to make people see who Ori really was. As long as Thorin tolerated it he would try, and if his uncle started protesting… Fili wasn’t just some merchant or lord to be ordered about. He was the heir to the throne. Thorin might refuse to allow him to marry the dwarf he loved, but he couldn’t stop him from telling the _truth_.

  
  


Barely a month after Ori had been officially pardoned, Nori came to see Fili one night.

He came by the window, of course.

If the royal family didn’t know how to knock on a door, then Nori just didn’t know what doors were for at all. Fili had given up on trying to protest: it just made Nori even more smug, and he was smug enough to begin with. Beside, if he had come in the usual way, everyone would have known about it, and Thorin might have heard about it.

Still, why he always came while Fili was sleeping, the prince didn’t know. Just for the sheer pleasure of being annoying, he supposed.

“You look grumpy, little prince,” Nori noted with a pleased smirk. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“I look sleepy, that’s not the same. And should I be happy to see you? It’s too late to be happy without a good reason.”

“And I wouldn’t visit without a good reason. Thelor wrote.”

Immediately, Fili felt wide awake.

“He did? What did he say? Is he going to make Ori stay there? Can I read his letter?”

“I’ll tell you what he said, don’t fret, kid.”

“I’d rather read it myself,” Fili protested.

“Don’t you trust me, kid?”

“Last time I trusted you, you got me stabbed and looked like you expected me to thank you for it.”

“You still haven’t thanked me, by the way. That’s royalty for you, ungrateful assholes.”

“I’ll still read that letter please, if you don’t mind,” Fili insisted, because the fact that Nori didn’t want him to read him only served to make him really suspicious.

Nori glared at him, looking like he might try to convince him he didn’t need to read it… but instead he just sighed, and produced a carefully folded paper from somewhere in his tunic, and handed it to the prince.

Fili quickly understood why Nori would have prefered to keep it to himself.

  
  


_"Kared_

_"As expected, your foolish little plan failed. This is a surprise to no one except you. Thankfully I saw this coming, and prepared your brother for it, so that he is more angry than disappointed. I am now taking this in my own hands, and with a competent person in charge, things will certainly work better._

_"Krij sends his regard._

_"Thelor"_

  
  


“You know,” Fili said, “when you told me he wouldn’t resist saying ‘I told you so’, I thought it was a joke.”

“Thelor doesn’t even know what a joke is,” Nori grunted.

“I’d never have thought anyone could be more annoyingly superior and patronizing that you, but he is. That’s pretty impressive. And yet Ori likes him.”

“Ori likes _everyone_.” Nori protested. “The real impressive thing is that _Thelor_ likes Ori. Enough to help even though he’s got a king against him… and the old boy doesn’t respect much, but he _does_ respect royalty, and he’s always liked a self-made dwarf… and Thorin is both.”

The older dwarf took back his letter, grimacing in disgust as he put it back inside his tunic.

“I’d much rather know what the old boy is preparing,” Nori complained. “I don’t like being kept in the dark.”

“Yes, I imagine it must feel awful.”

Nori glared at the prince, to which Fili replied by a large smile. He _still_ felt worried about the situation, and he didn’t like the idea that someone he didn’t even know had decided to take care of everything, but knowing that for once, Nori too was helpless and annoyed by that helplessness… that _helped_.

“The good news is, it’s not just Thelor, it’s Krij too,” Nori decided. “Thelor has no logical reason to help, and so he might change his mind if he decides all if this isn’t in his best interest, but Krij has a debt of honour to me.”

“Who is he?”

“Many things. The Queen’s second husband, the heir of one of the oldest, richest, and most powerful families of Gabilbizar… and Thelor’s brother. He’s about your age, barely older than his wife’s eldest son… and a good deal less clever. But he’s got a pretty face, and he’s fairly nice to people, and I saved him when he was a child, so now he’s indebted to me.”

Fili almost made a joke that there probably wasn’t a dwarf in the world who didn’t have a debt of some sort toward Nori, but something on the other’s face stopped him. The older dwarf seemed almost… fond as he talked of that husband of a queen, and that was odd. Nori didn’t get fond of people. He liked Dwalin, and Ori, but Fili always felt like Nori treated that as an embarrassing accident, as if his love for them were a scar with a bad story that he couldn’t get rid of and just had to live with. The idea of Nori just liking someone and not even bothering to hide it…

“Can we trust them, then?” Fili asked.

“You could trust Krij to the end of the world, but it wouldn’t do you much good. He’d just a nice idiot with too great a sense of honour, even by their standards. And Thelor… If he’d been alive in the days of Sauron, he’d have gone to serve him, and within three months the Lord of the Rings would have been him. He’s worse than me, he’s… _better_.”

“So can we trust him?”

“No, of course not. But we are going to, anyway, because we have no choice, and that son of an elf knows it. He’s probably been waiting to get that sort of power over me for decades, like a tick waiting for the right moment to bite into a dog’s stones.”

“I’m glad Ori isn’t the only one in your family to have such a sense of poetry,” Fili noted with a smirk.

Nori threw him a disgusted glare, and the prince’s smile only widened.

The situation was entirely out of their control, and his new plan of improving Ori’s image might take years to work.

But really, having Nori in the same situation, somehow, _that_ was a consolation.

  
  


A couple weeks after that, Fili got a letter from Ori.

When Thelor had said that the young dwarf was angry, he hadn’t exaggerated.

  
  


_"Dear Fili_

_"I am, apparently, unworthy of your love, as you must know._

_"I am, and I quote, “a fatherless bastard with no sense of politics, no idea how to behave in public, and a disastrous history” who cannot return to Erebor, even if I am legally allowed to._

_"I mean, certainly, I wasn't too good at being around people back in the days, but I certainly wasn’t that bad, was I? And hasn’t it occurred to your uncle that I might have changed? That I might have learned? He didn’t even ask what I was doing, not even a little “hey, my nephew happens to like someone who lives in your city, would you mind doing a background check for me?”, no! I just get judged on what I was as a kid! Trust me, my love, if it weren’t for you, I’d just stay here where people have a little more sense than that. I am quite sure Her Highness would never do anything so stupid!_

_"Lord Thelor said something like this might happen, but I didn’t want to believe him. Nori was so sure that thing would be fine! We all were, really._

_"But I won’t give up so easily. None of us will! Thelor says he’ll help, too! Mostly, I think he’s doing it to piss off Nori. I don’t think anything would amuse him more than to succeed where my brother failed… they’re such children, the both of them! They’re like five years old playing chess, and making up the rules as they go, I swear!_

_"(Don’t tell Nori I said that. Or Thelor. Don’t tell anyone!)(But it’s nothing but the truth!)_

_"Anyway, Thelor sort of has a plan, though he’s not telling me all of it yet, because he’s not sure he can do some of the things needed for it yet. But he said that I should still tell you that we’re going to do our best, but only if you want us to. Basically, I might try to find a way to come back to Erebor in spite of Thorin’s demands, but I will only do it if you think it’s worth it. I do not want to put you in a complicated situation regarding your uncle. If you think that I should stay in Gabilbizar for now, just tell me, and I will._

_"This will be a short letter, I’m afraid. I’m at my fourth attempt at writing it, and I have trouble getting anything longer than this without starting to rant about how angry I am at your uncle because how has it not occurred to him that I have changed? That’s royalty for you!_

_"And I am ranting again, so I’ll just stop now._

_"But no matter how pissed off I am about your uncle, I still love you just as much as ever._

_"And I miss you terribly._

_"Ori._

  
  


"My dear Ori

"Please come back.

"I do not care how angry my uncle will be at you, at us. I do not care if all our plans fail, and we are never allowed to be more than friends. I only want to see you again, be near you again, talk to you at last, and not have to wait months before your answer. If we can ever get engaged, then I will be living a dream, but all I want is to be with you again, in any way. I would have waited for you a thousand years if you had been kept in Gabilbizar, but if there is even the slightest chance that you may come back, I will take it.  


"Nori says that your lord Thelor cannot be trusted. But if I have to be honest, neither can Nori, so I take his wariness as a recommendation.

"Beside, I am doing what I can to have it known that you are not what Thorin thinks you are. I have asked every member in the company to help me spread the truth about you, my darling… and may I say that they were very happy to receive such an order? They all felt that you had been treated very badly, and they all have many good things to say about you to anyone who will listen… and who wouldn’t listen to the Heroes of Erebor?

"So please, do come home, my love. With Thorin against us, it will not be so easy, but at least we will be together, and we will prove him that you are so much more than what he thinks you are.

"Please come home.

"I love you so much, I miss you so much.

"Please come back.

"Fili."


	29. Keeping a pet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili indirectly gets news of Ori  
> and has a conversation with Kili
> 
> (warning for animal cruelty)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: ANIMAL CRUELTY in the second part of the chapter  
> And we aren't talking kicking a dog, but something that is nothing short of torture

It was a boring council, but then again, they usually were, really. Fili was paying as little attention as he could, because they had been discussing the problems with the beer importations for months now, with no progress whatsoever, and the chances of there being any progress made that day were impossibly low. Fili felt he could afford to be a little distracted, and to think about things that really mattered.

It had been near six months since he had written to Ori, and he hadn’t received any answer yet.

He was trying to not be worried.

Usually, he would already have had an answer, but there were many reasons to explain why he hadn’t, logical reasons. Maybe Ori was busy with work. Maybe Ori was busy with Thelor’s plan. Maybe Karad had fallen ill. Maybe his letter or Ori’s had been lost. Maybe Ori had died.

That last one was very unlikely, because someone in the East would have warned Nori, who would have told Fili. But sometimes it crossed his mind anyway.

He just didn’t like staying so long without news, because it always reminded him of that time where Ori had thought the prince no longer wanted his friendship… One of the many times Fili had almost lost his One, and he wasn’t sure how he would deal with another one. But he wouldn’t have too, because Ori was fine, and there was a logical reason to this silence, and soon, he’d get a letter from his lover, maybe explaining details of that mysterious plan of his.

Everything would be fine.

It would.

“And now, regarding the alliance with the Orocarni,” Thorin announced, and instantly Fili started paying attention again. “They have accepted the latest version of the treaty, as well as our conditions for housing an embassy in Erebor. In a couple months their ambassador will leave Gabilbizar, and in less than a year, he will arrive here.”

“Already?” someone noted. “Isn’t it going a little fast?”

“Their Queen likes efficiency, it seems. And they really want this alliance, it seems. They really are convinced that there will be a war. Not until a few years, maybe a few decades, but the East is convinced that it is inevitable.”

That started some muttering among the council, though most of it was annoyed rather than worried. No one really believed Gabilbizar’s stories about a new power rising in Mordor, and no one really wanted to get involved in their little skirmishes against the rest of the Orocarni… but it had been agreed that for the sake of spice trade, they would, if they had to. In any case, they would be preparing for battle, and Fili thought it was just as well. Nori seemed worried whenever he talked of Mordor.

“How large will the ambassador’s party be?”

“About twenty people, including a couple guards,” Thorin explained. “The prince will have a few advisors with him, people from the guilds… a translator, maybe. They are considering taking people to negotiate on behalf of the Men and elves, but nothing is certain yet. They want to travel quickly, and so they intend to hire servants here.”

That was met with approbation. It would mean jobs for the people of Erebor… and any servant would be a potential spy, of course.

“They will be lodged in the southern part of the mountain, in the old Gondor embassy,” Thorrin announced. “We haven’t started renovating it yet, but I am told it should not take too much work to be made habitable.”

Fili nodded, and rose from his seat.

“The dragon left it practically intact, and the only reason it hasn’t been renovated before is that there were more important buildings in need of it… and that we had no use for that embassy. Even before the Worm, we had little contact left with the South… but it is still a beautiful place, worthy of our future guest. I am personally supervising the work done there, with the help of my brother. According to our estimations, the embassy should be ready in three months, though we are allowing for a delay of the same period, in case some unexpected problems arise. As you see, it should be more than enough, since the ambassador should not arrive before a year.”

Of course, that was just the time needed to make the main appartements and the kitchen presentable, much as Kili insisted that they could finish in time. It would leave a fair deal of work on… everything else, really, but no one needed to know that just yet. With any luck, the ambassador would be a couple months late and everything would really be ready.

Not that Fili was hoping for a delay on that front. Ori would travel with the ambassador, he knew it. Hoped it.

So that damn prince could sleep into an unfinished bedroom for all that Fili cared, as long as Ori came back soon.

  
  


That council was the only obligation Fili had that day, and as soon as it was over he went home to Kit. He had promised to take her outside, to play in the gardens, and she was now old enough to remember when she was promised things, and to shout very loudly until she got the things she had been promised.

The good side of it was that it gave Fili an excuse to go home on time every day, because “I promised Kit I would” made everyone shiver. She had a good voice, and could be heard by people who were on the other side of the palace, apparently.

But just as Fili had finally managed to put a coat on her (she loved going outside, but always tried to get rid of her coats), there was a knock on the door, and at Fili’s call, Thorin came in.

“You waited before coming in,” the prince noted, frowning. “Who are you and what did you do with my uncle?”

“You have said more than once how much you dislike it when people come in uninvited,” his uncle protested.

“Doesn’t mean I expect anyone to actually wait. You lot don’t usually listen to my wishes, do you?”

When Thorin didn’t protest, Fili’s frown deepened. That wasn't normal.

“Did you want something, uncle? I had _promised_ Kit we would go out.”

“It can certainly wait a few moments. I need to talk to you. Please?”

That had to be the most tentative ‘please’ that Fili had ever heard, as if his uncle were unsure how to even say the word. And it should have worried the prince that the ‘I promised Kit’ card didn’t work. But Thorin had _asked_ to talk to him, as if he could _refuse_ , and just for that, Fili decided to agree.

“Kit, love, can you wait a little? I have to talk to uncle Thorin.” The child pouted, so Fili quickly added “It won’t be long, and I will get you sweets on our way if you’re good. Do you want sweets?”

“Sweets!”

“Yes, darling. Now go play in your room a little, hm?”

“Should you be promising sweets for something so small?” Thorin asked while the child trotted to her room. “She will end up spoiled.”

“Kili never had many sweets as a child, and he still is a spoiled prince,” Fili retorted. “Taking what he wants when he wants it, then throwing it away when he is no longer amused. The fact that I can be stern when she is bad doesn’t mean I can’t be nice when she’s good. Beside, ‘sweets’ is the word she uses for carrots.”

“Carrots?”

“Carrots,” Fili confirmed. Why his daughter loved these so much was beyond him, but he wasn’t about to force her to change her mind. “You said you had to talk to me?”

Thorin nodded uncomfortably, and took an envelope from his pocket. It looked suspiciously like the ones that lord Thelor used.

“As you might have gathered from the council of this morning, I have received news from the East. Not all of it was about the coming of the ambassador, not… directly, at least. There was also a note in answer to some demands I made. I think you should read it.”

“How did you manage to get the raven mail before Nori?” Fili asked, taking the envelope.

“By ordering that I be the first one to read everything and anything coming from Gabilbizar. And by putting someone I trust in charge of the raven. It should take Nori at least another couple weeks before he manages to turn Drein into one of his minions, and then I will just have to replace him, and Nori will have to start again from scratch.”

The smile on Thorin’s face made it clear that the idea of that little game against his spymaster amused him greatly. Fili couldn’t really blame him for it. They had all treated Thorin as if he weren’t very bright, it must have felt good for him to remind them all that he wasn’t an idiot, and that he had some power. Beside, it was good sometimes to remind Nori that he couldn’t just do whatever he wanted, Fili decided.

Opening the envelope, the prince frowned at finding only a small piece of paper, with just a few words neatly written upon it that he recognized at Thelor’s.

  
  


_“To Thorin the Second, King Under the Mountain of Erebor,_

_“As you requested, Ori, son of Ari, will not follow our ambassador to your kingdom._

_“Lord Thelor, Head of Communication for her Highness Khirim, Low Queen of Gabilbizar.”_

  
  


Fili forced himself to breathe, and to not show any emotions.

It was part of Thelor and Ori’s plan. It had to be.

Ori was still coming, he had to. Fili had written to ask him to. Ori had to be coming. He had to. It was part of the plan. It had to be. Ori was coming. He was coming and they would be together. It was all part of the plan.

Fili jumped when he felt his uncle’s hand on his shoulder.

“I am sorry,” Thorin said softly. “I know this probably isn’t what you were hoping for.”

“You said you would ask them to forbid him from coming back. You did. It is no surprise.”

“As if my disapproval had ever stopped you before,” Thorin retorted, trying to smile. “I am sure that Nori and you had some new plan. I am sorry that… things aren’t turning the way you might want them. I am aware of… what you have been trying to do. Trying to improve Ori’s reputation...”

“I wouldn’t call it that,” Fili snapped. “I’m just making things right again. We treated him badly, you know it, just as you _know_ he doesn’t deserve the things people say about him. He’s _better_ than that.”

Thorin nodded, his grip tightening on his nephew’s shoulder. The prince didn’t push him away, tempting as it was.

“People say he’s made a good life for himself in the East,” the king said, “that he has become a lord of some sort, or at least someone… important. Maybe it’s just as well that things are the way they are. You should try to be happy for him, even like this.”

“Do you even know what love feels likes?” Fili asked, feeling strangely calm in spite of it all. “Do you know what it’s like to want someone, to need them by your side, to need their smile when all is well, to need their comfort when things are too much, knowing that you would do the same for them when they need it? You’re telling me I should be happy for him, but do you have the faintest idea what it’s like to _need_ someone like that?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Thorin replied, and there was something oddly quiet about him, as if he were tired… which he was, maybe. Tired and old. “If I didn’t know about love, I would have married you off to some noble girl already. It is what people want. A married heir would give them a sense of...order. The impression that things are once again as they should be. I have refused offers on your behalf, so you wouldn’t have to wonder if you should accept them.”

Fili stared at his uncle, surprised by that declaration. It was… unexpected, to say the least. If it was what the people of Erebor wanted, then why…

“Mariage should not have to be a sacrifice,” Thorin explained. “I was hoping that with the time and distance, your affections for that boy would disappear. I realize now that you are ready to love him until your death, even with half of the world standing between you… I cannot allow you to take as your consort a fatherless boy who never showed any head for politics, but I can at least allow you to not be forced to have someone else. I do love you, nephew, and since this is the only thing I can give you, have this at least.”

“Thank you, uncle,” Fili replied, and he _did_ feel thankful. Thorin had a strange way of showing it, sometimes… but maybe he did care after all.

“You are welcome. Now go… play with your daughter, before she decides I have kept you long enough, and she starts screaming at us.”

They both chuckled at that, and Fili couldn’t help a smile. “I’ll do that, uncle.”

  
  


It was a lovely afternoon, in the end.

Fili was glad that Kit was determined to have him take part in every single one of her games. It left him little time to worry about what he had just learned. And since his daughter had the idea of jumping into puddles of mud, most of his evening was also very busy.

Giving her a bath was never an easy task, especially not when her hair needed to be washed.

It was only later, when he was trying to sleep, that Fili was fully hit by the painful realization that if he had to be honest, he had no idea if Ori was coming home or not.

  
  


Fili didn’t sleep much that night, and he didn’t sleep very well either.

The following days were hardly better.

He wished Nori could have helped, but with Thorin in control of the ravens, they couldn’t directly contact Thelor, let alone Ori, to ask him what was really going on.

He wished Karad would just enter through his window one morning, and bring him a letter from his lover, at last.

He wished Ori was there with him, and that he hadn’t made all the mistakes that had resulted in having his One sent on the other side of the world.

He wished for many things.

Then when a letter came from Gabilbizar, announcing that the ambassador’s party had left at last, Fili stopped wishing.

  
  


It was some time after that letter that Kili came to see him one morning, and it was a visit Fili could have done without. There were threats of a strike in one of the diamonds mine, and part of the roof in the embassy had collapsed, wounding a couple workers, one of whom might not survive, and Kit was having nightmares.

Seeing his brother was the very last thing that the prince wanted that day.

Seeing his brother with the guilty, hesitant look that meant he was going to announce something that even he knew to be bad news? Fili needed that as much as he needed a rusted pickaxe.

“Hello, Fee,” Kili started, trying to sound cheerful. “How are you? It’s a nice day, isn’t…”

“Straight to the point,” Fili cut him with a glare. “What did you do this time?”

“What makes you think I’ve done something?”

“Experience and habit.”

Kili grimaced and shrugged.

“You’ve got a point. And this isn’t going to help. Fee, I’ve… I think I’ve done something bad, and… please, promise you won’t be angry at me? I think I need your help, but please don’t be angry at me again!”

Fili pinched his nose, and tried to breathe steadily. At least, for once, Kili was aware that he’d done something wrong. It was progress, the prince told himself. Kili had seemed to mature a little lately with the birth of Vili. With any luck, one day he might stop _doing_ wrong things altogether.

“I can’t promise I won’t get angry,” Fili announced. “We both know it’s a promise I might break. But if you tell me what you’ve done, I will still do my best to help you.”

Kili shifted uncomfortably. “It’s… it’s a bit… I think you should come and see, it’d be easier… please?”

“I’m a little bit busy right now.”

“Yeah, but it’s… it’s a bit urgent?” Kili pleaded. “I know you’re going to be angry, I wouldn’t have come if I’d had any choice, but you’re the only one who can… well, maybe Nori could, but I’d never be stupid enough to ask anything of him. If you get angry, you yell at me. If he ever gets angry at me, one morning I just won’t wake up, you know?”

“So what you’re saying is that you’ve done something that will anger not just me, but Nori too,” Fili sighed as he rose from his desk. “Kili, how do you… why… can’t you just _not do things_ sometimes?”

“It just seemed like a good idea at the time! And… Look, are you going to help or not?”

“No choice. If I don’t, you might go ask Nori after all, and I don’t want my nephew to be an orphan.”

Kili smirked sheepishly, and instantly relaxed. Of course he would relax. Whatever his problem was this time, Fili would be the one taking care of it now.

The princes quickly left Fili’s office, Kili leading them to one of the less used parts of the palace, one that was deep underground. Rooms there used to have been given to great guests, or for the use of the royal family, but they had all grown to used to live near the surface during their exile that the deeper rooms had been all but abandoned in favour of those near the side of the mountain. Virtually no one ever came there.

Fili felt his stomach twist at the idea of all that could happen in the deep parts of the palace without anyone ever knowing. No matter what Kili had done this time, secrecy must have been on his mind.

“I thought I was doing everything right,” Kili explained, stopping in front of a door to unlock it. “See, I had that book, and I did all that they said. And I asked, you know, to try to get it right, and I was so sure it would work, but then, it didn’t, and now I really don’t know what to do, and… well, just see for yourself.”

The youngest prince opened the door, and Fili followed him inside. It was dark, even for a dwarf, and all that Fili could make out was a rectangular shape covered by cloth. Combined with a smell of rotting meat, it made his heart beat faster. What had Kili done this time?

“Just wait a sec’, I’ve got a lamp somewhere,” Kili grunted, rummaging in a corner. The noise he was making was answered by a pathetic sound coming from the shape. “There, I’ve got it!” The prince claimed proudly, lighting a small miner’s lamp. “Okay, let’s have a look at it then.”

Kili went to the shape, and lifted the cloth.

Fili yelped.

The shape, as it turned out, was a cage. A large cage, technically, but much too small for the raven inside it.

“It hasn’t been eating in days,” Kili explained, sounding mildly worried. “I mean, it never ate much, but now it’s not eating at all. I think it might be sick?”

“Sick? Kili, look at her, she’s _dying_!”

Kili stepped back, looking stricken. As if that idea just hadn’t come to him. Fili growled and slowly approached the cage to free Karad (it had to be her. It was difficult to be sure, but it had to be her), but his brother stopped her.

“Don’t! It gets mean when you let it out! It even almost escape twice when I first got it.”

“Of course she escaped!” Fili shouted. “Of course she’d attack you! Any animal would attack you for trapping it like that! How could you do that?”

“But you all had a crow, I wanted one too?” Kili whined miserably. “And you always looked so happy when it was around, I thought it’d be fun… But it wasn’t. It just tried to escape, until I did as they said in the book… and then it was pecking at me every chance it had… it tried to get my eye once!”

“Serves you right,” Fili muttered, trying to open the cage’s door with shaky hands. It really was Karad, he recognised that slightly darker spot near the root of her beak that was shaped like a small cloud. When the door opened at last, she cracked an eye open, let out a small, hoarse cry, and closed her eye again. “She’s not even trying to escape,” Fili breathed. “She’s too weak even for that… oh Mahal, what have you done to her?”

“Sorry,” Kili mumbled, while his brother removed his tunic and put it around his hands to grab the raven. “I just wanted one too, I didn’t think it would be so much work. I swear I tried to do things right!”

Karad protested weakly when Fili took her, but she didn’t really resist. She was light, much too light, and she seemed almost smaller than last time the prince had seen her. Maybe she could still be saved. If she was brought back outside, and fed properly… if she was just allowed to fly again, then she could be saved. She loved flying, Ori had said once. If she could just fly again…

“You’ll be fine, my pretty,” Fili whispered to her, caressing her soothingly. “I’m going to take you somewhere safe, to the sunlight. I know you don’t always trust me, but I’ll get you somewhere…”

Fili froze, his fingers on the tip of Karad’s wing.

“Oh, yeah, that,” Kili said weakly. “It… it was in the book. About birds. They said… they said if you want to make sure a bird doesn’t escape, you’ve got to… remove that bit at the end of their wing? Pinioning, it’s called. Normally it’s done on babies, but I figured… I was very careful and did everything like the book said, you know, and I made sure it didn’t get infected! I even made it sleep so that it wouldn’t hurt too much.”

“You’re a monster,” Fili whispered, and the only reason he didn’t throw up was that Karad was in his arms, and he had to keep her safe. “You are a fucking monster. Why would you _do_ that?”

“It kept trying to escape!”

“Then you should have let her escape! She was never yours to keep in the first place! I’ve told you times and times again that she had a master, why did you take her anyway? Just because you wanted her? For Mahal’s sake, Kit is _five_ , and _she_ knows that she can’t just take things because she want them! You are _ninety_ , how can you not understand something a _child_ would know?”

“I just thought…”

“No, you didn’t think!” Fili exploded, holding Karad tight against his chest. “You never think! You didn’t think when you’d get everyone to follow you in your stupid games in Ered Luin, you didn’t think when you seduced Ori just because you wanted someone to fuck, you didn’t think when you decided that you no longer wanted him because Diat was prettier, and you certainly didn’t think when you tortured that poor bird just because you felt like having a pet! You never think, and I’ve always protected you from the consequences of it, because you were my brother, because I was supposed to love you… and you know, I did love you, no matter how awful you were, but now that’s _it_!”

“What do you mean? Are you going to tell mother?”

“Yes. And uncle. We’ve all spent long enough pretending that you just didn’t know what you were doing. We’ve all protected you. Well I think it’s time for you to face some fucking _consequences_. You have tortured a raven of Gabilbizar! These birds are precious, almost as smart as a dwarf. It’s a crime in the East to harm one!”

Kili flinched, and stepped back. “I didn’t _know_ that! No one _told_ me!”

“We did. When the Queen in the East gifted us with a raven, Thorin made official announcements about how precious they were, and how they had to be treated well, and that there would be punishments to anyone who would hurt it, and you were there! You were there every single time, and you just didn’t listen, because you never fucking _listen_!”

“I didn’t _know_. I _swear_ I didn’t know! I can’t be punished for something I didn’t know, can I?”

“Everyone is supposed to know the law, Kee. That’s how laws work. For you, and for everyone else.”

The look of pure horror on Kili’s face almost made his brother feel better. If he hadn’t had a dying raven in his arms, Fili would probably have taken a few moments to enjoy the fact that at last, his brother would maybe start paying for everything he’d done.

But he couldn’t waste a single minute. Any second passing was one less chance of saving Karad. There was only one last thing…

“When did you steal the raven?” Fili asked. “How long have you had her? Did she have a letter?”

“I’ve… had it for a while?” Kili answered hesitantly. “Couple months? It… it had a letter, in your hand. But I didn’t read it, I swear! I understand privacy! I just… I just burnt it. I figured it wasn’t my business, you know?”

Fili felt his last shred of hope shatter. So Ori had never received his letter, didn’t know that Fili wanted him in Erebor, with or without Thorin’s approval…

Once again, Kili had ruined everything.

But it would be the last time.

“I see. Thank you for your honesty. Next time you get in trouble, go fuck yourself. I am _done_ helping you. From this day on, I have no brother.”

And without wasting another second, Fili left with Karad, begging to Mahal to let the raven live.

Ori loved that bird so much, he’d be heartbroken if she died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pinioning is a real thing, but it is normally done only to very, very young birds (less than 10days old) because there is a risk of heav bleeding after. It is, basically, cutting off the tip of the wing of a bird. It is in any case a painful thing to do, that must be left to a professional, and it means the bird will never fly (it's the entire point of it, really)  
> It is very different from wing clipping, where you just cut some feathers of a bird's wing. These feathers grow back with time (meaning the bird can fly once more with a little time), and the procedure isn't painful.
> 
> Kili caught Karad by leaving apples on his window, because he had noticed that Fili gave her those.


	30. The ambassador's arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili faces the consequences of his acts  
> And the Ironfist ambassador arrives in Erebor

Karad lived, but Fili couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or not. She seemed so miserable, stuck on the ground… and while she did eat now, it was nothing compared to what she could gobble up before. Not to mention she was scared of everything and everyone now, except Drein the birdmaster, and Fili.

That had been a surprise, because Karad had never really forgiven him his angry reaction to learning Ori had taken another as his lover, but she seemed to trust him again. He just wished that trust had been born of something a little less dramatic.

She lived in the bird tower, cared for by Drein, who felt terribly guilty about the entire thing. He was the one who had advised Kili about which books he should read if he had an interest in ornithology.

“I never thought he’d use it for something like that, your highness!” he told Fili. “He was always so nice, and he seemed to love the birds so much… he always asked about our raven from the East, and the talking ones, and the thrushes… it was nice, not many people have an interest in them, so I get lonely sometimes. He really was _nice_!”

“Yes, he can be,” Fili sighed with a comforting smile. “And no one can blame you for what happened. Just take good care of my poor Karad, that’s all I want.”

Drein had promised that he would, and he did. He was helped with that by one of Dale’s thrushes, Truc, who had taken a liking to the unfortunate raven and brought her worms, snails, and the occasional fruit. It was a strange behaviour according to Drein, since birds were more likely to assault and kill a wounded fellow than to help it, but that thrush had adopted Karad nonetheless, and care for her as if she were her chick.

It made Fili felt a little better, somehow, to know Karad wasn’t alone.

But at the same time, it meant a bloody bird was capable of more selflessness than his own brother.

  
  


At least, this time, no one had tried to tell him that Kili was young and innocent and hadn’t meant to harm anyone.

Even Dis and Thorin couldn’t pretend that cutting off part of a bird’s wing to prevent it from escaping was a _misunderstanding_.

“I really didn’t think it was that bad,” Kili insisted when he was asked by his uncle and mother to explain himself. “Why is everyone so angry? It’s just a bird, I didn’t hurt anyone!”

“ _This time_ ,” Fili hissed. 

He’d been allowed to be present, as long as he didn’t intervene. It was going to be difficult to keep silent. He wasn’t really going to try.

“That bird is a raven of Gabilbizar,” Thorin claimed, “and you not only stole it, but you harmed it so that it can never again serve its purpose, which is to carry messages.”

“I didn’t steal it. I thought it was Fili’s, and I just… borrowed it.”

“Bit of a habit you have,” Fili growled. Thorin glared at him. The prince glared back.

“You cannot take things simply because they are your brother’s, Kili,” Dis stated, her voice cold and distant. “He is allowed to have things of his own. And as it happens, that raven wasn’t his anyway. It belongs to Ori, who used it to write letters to his family. Do you remember who Ori is?”

Kili bit his lip and looked down for a moment, before straightening up suddenly.

“Wait, if that bird was Ori’s, why was Fili the one using it all that time?”

Fili stopped breathing. He had hoped that his brother wouldn’t think about that, wouldn’t try to use it against him… But of course Kili was using it. He would have had to be stupid not to, and Kili was many things, but he wasn’t stupid.

He just _looked_ like he was, because it made it easier for him to get away with things.

And now Dis was looking at Fili in surprise, as if she finally understood things, opening her mouth to…

“It is no secret to me that there is a correspondence between your brother and Ori,” Thorin announced. “Fili told me so himself some time ago, and I did not forbid it. We are not here to discuss your brother’s actions, we are here to talk about yours, and make sure you finally start acting like the prince that you are. And a prince cares for and protects those weaker than him. A prince does not steal. A prince knows the laws of his country, and he respects them.”

“Well, I know now,” Kili grumbled, before looking pleadingly at his uncle. “And I won’t do it again, I promise! It was bad, and I’m sorry… But I tried to make it good! When things got out of control, I told Fili, didn’t I?”

“You just wanted me to clean up your mess,” his brother hissed. “That’s not the same.”

“And you’re just still angry because I accidentally hooked up with your crush,” Kili retorted. “I can’t believe you’re still mad at me for it!”

“Then we are even, because I can’t believe you still _don’t understand why I am angry_.”

“Peace, boys!” Dis ordered. “Fili, if you cannot keep quiet, you will have to leave this room. And you, Kili, would do well to stop taunting your brother like this. You are here because we want to discuss your punishment, do not forget that.”

Kili pouted, the very picture of a furious child, but he had the senses of not replying this time.

Progress, Fili thought.

Maybe one day he would even learn to not start such arguments.

“Your behaviour with that bird shames us all,” Thorin claimed. “We have kept it mostly secret, but not for your sake, be certain of that, and if you ever create any more problems, we will not shield you from the consequences.”

Kili looked hopeful, while his brother winced. So there would be no punishment this time… it was all starting again, and by the time Kili did something stupid again, everyone would have forgotten how bad he had been this time.

It was a surprise when Thorin spoke again.

“I have talked to your wife’s family,” he told Kili. “Diat will be going back to her parents’ home, out of the mountain, and she will take your son with her, until…”

“You can’t take Vili from me!” the prince protested. “He’s my son, he’s _mine_ , you can’t…!”

“ _And that bird was yours too_!” Thorin shouted back. “It was weak and defenceless, it was under your care, and see what you’ve done to it! Your son is fourth in line for the throne, I cannot leave him in your hands when I do not know when you will grow bored of him!” 

The king took a deep breath, and forced himself to calm down before he spoke again.

“I am not entirely taking him from you. You will still be allowed to see him regularly, and if you show real effort to improve yourself, in a few years I might let you take him back to your house.”

“And Diat? Do you fear I will harm her too?”

“The child needs his mother until he is weaned. If she decides after that to abandon him to a nurse and to come back to you, it is her problem and yours. I do not think Diat would let you harm her… but if you do, you will be punished for it, as any dwarf who hurts their spouse would.”

“I see. Should I thank you for your mercy, uncle?” Kili asked with a sneer. “Should I be grateful, maybe?”

“You should at least pretend to be,” Dis replied icily. “This isn’t a punishment, it is merely a precaution that we are taking, to protect your son. If there is but another complaint against you, you will have reasons to be angry at us.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you never paid much attention to your lessons, Kili, but I suppose even you know what Khazad Dum is?”

Kili stepped back, and paled at his mother’s words. Even Fili felt uneasy. All his uncle had told him beforehand was that Dis and him believed they had found a way to make sure the young prince behaved from then on, but still…

Khazad Dum meant death for anyone foolish enough to approach it, everyone knew that.

Even among the dwarves, it wasn’t so rare to use its Westron name rather than the khuzdul one, the place was such bad omen.

“Should you create anymore problems…” Thorin started.

“I won’t!” Kili cut him. “I swear I won’t! I will be good, I’ll do anything you ask of me!”

“I certainly hope you will,” his uncle retorted. “Because if you do not, I will find a hundred volunteers in the prisons of Erebor, and give them to you as an army to try and reconquer the ancient home of our line.”

“But that’s impossible, uncle! I’d just get killed, and so would anyone stupid enough to follow me!”

“Then I advise you to behave, nephew. This is what I have decided, and if you do not behave, then the orcs of Moria and Durin’s Bane await for you.”

“But…”

“I have nothing more to tell you, nephew. You may go now. I would advise you to say goodbye to your wife and son. It will be some time before you see them again.”

The young prince bowed quickly to his uncle, his shoulders tense and his eyes throwing daggers, and without another word he left them. Fili almost felt bad about the punishment… he knew too well what it was like to have one’s loved ones taken away… but he knew it because of Kili, he reminded himself. Kili who would see his son and wife again, whereas Karad would never fly again.

Fili couldn’t keep wasting pity on someone who didn’t even know what the word meant.

“Would you really send him to Moria?” he asked his uncle.

“I hope I don’t have to. But if it comes to making a choice between him and his son, or him and the reputation of our entire family, then I will do what must be done. Your brother had his chance, after all, even if he doesn’t realize what others sacrificed for his sake.”

  
  


It wasn’t really a surprise when Dis came to visit him that night. After their conversation of the afternoon Thorin had sent his nephew away because he needed to talk with his sister, but the princess had had a look in her eyes that said pain enough that Fili would have to explain a few things.

Since Kit hadn’t gone to bed yet, they kept to a more innocent conversation at first, applauding the dwarfling attempts at music (she’d been given a little drum for a fifth birthday. It had come from Bombur. Considering Fili had encouraged one of his sons to learn the violin, the prince felt he had probably deserved that).

As soon as his daughter was asleep, though, Fili was forced to face his mother.

At least, she didn’t look angry or disappointed.

“Why do you write to Ori then?” Dis asked.

“What reasons could I possibly have? I love him.”

Fili saw his mother struggle to not come and hug him. He wished she would. He needed a hug, and while Kit was usually quite selfless in offering those, at the moment he needed more than she could give.

“How long have you loved him?”

He chuckled sadly. “You don’t want me to answer that.”

She pulled him in her arms at last, almost crushing him. It felt… good. Right. Like when he was a child, and he knew his mother could make everything right.

“Oh, Fili. Did you love him already when he was engaged to your brother?”

“I loved him when I introduced him to Kili, hoping my brother would get along with my One.”

“Oh, Fili…”

He huddled closer, enjoying her warmth, her strength. He really did feel younger in her arms, as if he were once more that dwarfling who trusted his mother with everything. He had kept so many secrets from her during the last few years, but he no longer could, not when she was holding him like that. The words started spilling from his lips, and he didn’t try to stop them.

He told his mother how he had loved Ori for years, long before anyone should have looked at the scribe with desire. How he had thought he should step away and let Ori and Kili be together if it could make them happy. He told her about watching how miserable Ori had become in Erebor, about not being able to do anything, because Ori feared him, thought Fili hated him. About how he had so entirely failed his One in the end, and yet Ori had written to him, given him his friendship and eventually his love. He told her about trying so hard to get Ori home, only to fail every time.

“Oh, Fili,” his mother whispered, stroking his hair tenderly. “My boy, my poor boy… And all that time I kept telling you to be nicer to your brother… Oh, Fili, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid. I thought you might tell me I had lost my chance, and that I should just move on. That’s… that’s what Kili told me, and Thorin. If you had done the same…”

“Thorin told you to move on? _Thorin_? Oh, the nerve of him!” Dis grumbled. “I’m going to have words with your uncle. And then, we are going to get you your lover.”

“Thorin says…”

Dis pulled away from her son to look at him, a frown on her face.

“My darling boy, if you think I give a _damn_ about what your uncle had to say on that matter, you are wrong. I have failed once as a mother, and allowed Kili to… to become _Kili_. I will not fail you too. You are going to borrow the official raven, and you are going to write to Ori. In that letter, you will tell him to come back here as soon as he can, and I promise you that within a year after his return, the two of you will be married. I will take care of your uncle, do not worry.”

Fili pulled her back to him, burrowing his head against her neck to hide a sob.

He just couldn’t tell her that her words were doing more harm than good. He didn’t want to hope again. He’d spent years hoping and hoping, only to have his every dreams crushed one by one. Dis could try all that she wanted, her son was certain he would never see again his One.

  
  


But hope was very much like rats. Whether you liked it or not it was a fact of all civilised life, and it could insinuate itself anywhere.

A week after that conversation with his mother, Fili was writing to Ori.

  
  


_“Ori, my love,_

_“I am so sorry for how long I left you without news. I promise you, my darling, that it wasn’t on purpose. When I received your last letter, I answered the very same day, begging you to come back in Erebor, for there was nothing in the world I could want more. That is still true. To see you again, to be with you, is all I desire._

_“Sadly, my letter never left Erebor, as I recently learned. There was an accident concerning Karad. We are lucky she still lives, but I am afraid she will never fly again. We are taking good care of her, but she will never be the same bird now. I know how much you love your bird, Ori, and I am very sorry of what happened to her. I think she will be a lot better once you are here. I think she misses you as much as I do._

_“And this gets us to the point of this letter, my love. I am writing, once again, to beg you to come back. If you do, we will not have to hide, my darling: my mother knows everything, and she promised to convince Thorin to allow us to be together. She is still working on it, but the dwarf who can resist Dis of Erebor isn’t born! So please, my darling, if that long silence hasn’t killed your affections for me, please come back._

_“I love you as much as ever,_

_“And I am for ever yours,_

_“Fili.”_

  
  


The weeks that followed that letter were busy enough that Fili didn’t have time to worry whether his lover would get his message this time. The ambassador’s party was advancing far more quickly than expected, which meant the entire schedule was ruined. Everyone had to work harder to make sure the embassy was ready for its new tenants, the work teams had to be doubled while still minding the safety because no one wanted another accident. Then there were servants to hire, with a full background check. Not to mention the official welcome party that had to be organized, a task made difficult by the fact no one knew for sure when the Ironfists would arrive.

It was a hard couple months, and Fili didn’t sleep much, but then again, neither did anyone else.

Then at last, one day, they got news that his highness prince Khim, ambassador of Gabilbizar, had arrived in Esgaroth.

It made everyone business a lot easier, because all of a sudden, they could know when the ambassador would be there.

It also made things much harder, because they were all terribly late.

It was an interesting week in Erebor.

Fili barely remembered what sleep felt like, and he hadn’t seen his daughter in days, but the Ironfist prince and his company would be given a glorious welcome, one that history books would talk about, and that was worth a few sacrifices.

So when Drein came on the morning when the prince was due to arrive, Fili almost sent him away. There was still so much left to do… but then he noticed the small envelope in the birdmaster’s hand, and his heart went racing.

There was an answer to his letter.

“I came to see you directly,” Drein explained. “I’m supposed to show everything to the king first, but I thought… I thought it’d be better this way.”

Fili thanked him profusely (Dis was _still_ negotiating with Thorin about Ori after all) and read.

  
  


_“To Fili, heir to the throne of Erebor,_

_“This raven is meant for official purpose only. Do not use it again for personal conversations._

_“Lord Thelor, Head of Communication for her Highness Khirim, Low Queen of Gabilbizar.”_

  
  


Fili stared at the paper.

Breathing. He needed to breathe. So he did. Then he did it again, and again, until it started coming naturally.

The next step was to reassure Drein, who looked very worried. There was nothing wrong, just some unexpected news, but nothing bad, nothing to worry about, and thank you so much for bringing the letter directly.

Once Fili was alone again, he re-read the letter. Twice. Before burning it carefully with his candle. He didn’t understand what was going on. He didn’t understand why Thelor, who had claimed he wanted to help, was suddenly refusing to let him communicate with Ori.

What he did understand on the other hand was that prince Khim would be in Erebor in a matter of hours, and that at the moment, nothing else could matter.

  
  


The ambassador’s party had arrived, at last, and they were being guided to the throne’s room, and they just weren’t _ready_. Dis was helping Thorin arrange himself, and Fili was trying to convince Kit to stay quiet (he had negotiated hard, and obtained the right to give her carrots during the welcoming ceremony, but he hadn’t realized that it meant she would cry the entire time before because she wanted her sweets _now_ ) and Kili wasn’t there at all, because he had ‘fallen sick’. No one believed him for a moment, and Fili was rather relieved that his brother wouldn’t be there, even if it complicated things for them. Thankfully, Gimli was there, and more than happy to replace his cousin for what little part he had to play in the ceremony… which meant he had to be quickly briefed, which meant more stress.

Still, when the door opened, and the herald announced that the ambassador of Gabilbizar was requesting an audience with king Thorin, they were all standing exactly where they had to around the throne, a perfect picture of elegance and majesty. Thorin rose from his seat immediately, and started a speech in which he welcomed the ambassador, claiming it was a historical moment for both their countries, and all sorts of such boring things. He said it all in Westron of course, because there were representants of the elves and the Men among the spectators. Prince Khim’s eyes were fixed on Thorin, but all of his attention was on the translator standing behind him.

Fili looked at both of them, trying to figure out if he would like them or not. A good part of the negotiations with the prince would fall on him after all. But it was hard to make an opinion of anything with the way their travel clothes covered their entire bodies except their eyes and hands. All he could tell was that Khim’s skin was dark, while his translator’s was a few shades paler, and neither of them were particularly tall.

It took a while for Thorin to stop talking (he had always loved long speeches), and then it took another few moments for the translator to finish his whispers. Prince Khim uncovered himself then, and smiled brightly. He looked young, but not particularly impressed, and somehow, Fili instantly liked him.

Khim’s speech was shorter than Thorin’s, which wasn’t difficult. The prince had a pleasant enough voice, but his translator’s had a quality that made Fili shiver. Hearing it felt right, for some reason, and it made Fili want to see his face… he must have uncovered himself, just like the prince, but he was right behind Khim and Fili couldn’t _see_ him.

The prince and the translator started introducing the members of their company, nobles and guildmembers, most of them as dark skinned as the prince. Fili tried to memorize all their names and faces, knowing already that he would probably fail. Thank Mahal, Balin was usually better than him with that.

“And then, there is the translator of our party,” the dwarf behind Khim said, stepping ahead with a quick glance to the prince and a warm but polite smile on his lips. “I am Ori, son of Thelor, son of Grej, cousin to his highness prince Khim, and it will be my duty and pleasure to help all negotiations between Erebor and Gabilbizar happen with as little misunderstandings as possible.”

For the second time that day, Fili couldn’t breathe.

It was Ori, his Ori, standing in front of them all, smiling sweetly at Thorin, looking perfectly at ease, as if half of the court of Erebor weren’t suddenly gaping at him and trying to figure out if he was the Ori they were thinking of.

Even Thorin took a few seconds before he could recover and resume with the ceremony.

Fili, on the other hand, didn’t recover at all. He supposed he must have managed to do and say everything expected of him, but he remembered nothing of it. It was as if the world had stopped, and nothing existed, nothing but Ori and him, in the same room, a mere few _metres_ away. Fili could have crossed the remaining distance between them in just a few strides, he could have gone and taken Ori in his arms, he could have touched him… It was nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t, but they were in public, and this was important, and…

His eyes met Ori’s, and something in the other dwarf’s countenance changed. For a brief few seconds, his eyebrows rose slightly, his smile wavered, as if he were unsure… But of course he would be unsure. He couldn’t have received either of Fili’s letters begging him to come, he couldn’t know if his presence was truly wanted…

Ori made a quick movement with his head, urging Fili to look down, and when the prince obeyed, he started signing: ‘You, me, East balconies?’. Fili only managed to quickly nod, hoping no one would have noticed.

He was going to talk to Ori.

After so much time, so many things, he was going to talk to Ori.

The rest of the ceremony was a blurr.

When at last, Thorin asked Balin to guide the young ambassador to his new dwellings, Fili started wondering how he could escape. He was supposed to go check that everything would be ready for the feast of the evening, and to change, and change Kit too, but there had to be a way… 

“Give Kit to your mother,” Thorin said next to him, startling him. “She can fit her in her schedule, don’t worry.”

“What?”

“You are going to see him, aren’t you? It would probably be better if Kit weren’t there for that conversation, I think.”

Fili felt his blood freeze. Of course Thorin had seen. Ori had signed quickly, but Thorin was used to speed, Balin and him could have the fastest of conversations in Iglishmek, so of course…

“Peace, nephew, I will not keep you away from him,” the king assured him. “I do not think even I have that power. Beside…”

“Beside?”

Thorin smiled. “Beside, I told you that you couldn’t marry that boy for two reasons: that he didn’t have a father, and that he wasn’t fit to be a public figure. But he does have a father now, and not just any father but a great lord, whose judgment even Nori respects… Nori who respects no one and nothing. And that lord let your Ori into a key position in a diplomatic mission. My two objections are covered. You may have him.”

“What?”

“I said that I no longer objected to your romance with that bo… with Ori. If the two of you desire it, I will allow you to marry.”

“What?”

Thorin rolled his eyes, and chucked as he took Kit from Fili’s arms.

“Stop wasting time with me, you silly boy, and go run after your lover.”

Fili didn’t need to be told twice. He kissed his daughter on the cheek, and his uncle, before dashing out of the throne room, running as if all of the orcs of Mordor were after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this fic was born of two things:  
> 1) in an ask meme on tumblr, I had to come up with a dark plot for Ori/Kili  
> 2) for the longest of times, I've wanted to write something about Ori in love with a Durin (my original idea was with Thorin) but the two of them being unable to marry... so Ori went away, became awesome abroad, and then came back as a great lord, forcing everyone who ever doubted him to shut the fuck up uwu
> 
> I REALLY WANTED TO WRITE THAT AND NOW I HAVE
> 
> So there's only one more chapter to this story now uwu
> 
> (oh, and the thrush which befriend Karad is a little nod to my late pet pigeon, whom I loved as much as Ori loves Karad)(though he wasn't half as clever as her)


	31. the end of a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the dream ends  
> reality starts

Ori waited on the balcony, resisting the urge to play with his braids. He couldn’t show that he was nervous. He represented Gabilbizar, almost as much as Khim did. He couldn’t be nervous, he had to smile and look calm, even if he felt like he might be sick and his heart was beating too fast. It had been so long since he’d left the throne room, especially since he’d had trouble finding his way to the balconies again, and Fili had seen his message, Ori knew it, but the prince still wasn’t _there_.

Maybe he had changed his mind.

It had been so long since he’d given any news, maybe he’d changed his mind, maybe he no longer wanted Ori after all… No one could blame him if that was the case. It had been so long, and everything had been against them… Doing this, coming to Erebor as Thelor’s son, was his last chance, and so far it didn’t look like a success.

But he would have tried, he told himself, forcing a smile at a dwarrowdam who looked at him curiously. He would have done everything he could, because Fili was worth crossing the world for, even if things didn’t work out. Beside, it wasn’t like Ori needed to stay. He’d started briefing everyone on Erebor’s customs, and a few of Khim’s advisors already knew a little Westron. He’d just need to give more intensive lessons to one of them. That would take him a year, maybe two, and then he’d go back East. Thelor would find him something to do, and he’d work hard enough to forget Fili.

It would hurt, and it wouldn’t be easy, but he knew he could do it.

He’d done it before.

It had been different to forget Kili of course, because Kili hadn’t exactly been the lover of the century at the end, while Fili… Fili had been wonderful all along, and it surprised Ori sometimes how strongly he felt for someone he hadn’t seen in years, someone he’d never really seen before that day in his cell…

But he could do it.

He could do it, he could…

Fili came running on the balcony, almost bumping into Ori in his haste.

He was so handsome, Ori thought. How could he have spent so many years near him, and never notice how handsome he was?

Fili had blue eyes. He’d never known that Fili had blue eyes before, but he did now, and it felt like the most important thing in the world, especially with the way these eyes were fixed on him, as if Ori were something strange and wonderful…

“You’re back,” Fili whispered, his voice hoarse.

“I’m back. For… for you, if you still want me?”

The prince nodded, a desperate expression on his face, and he took a step closer, not quite close enough to touch Ori, but still making it clear that it was an option.

“How could I not want you?” Fili asked softly. “I tried to write, but there were problems, and… but I would have waited so much longer… I thought sometimes that I could never be with you until I was king, but I would have waited for you, even a hundred years more.”

“I’d have waited too. I… I can still wait if I have too, but I… I had to try, to see if your uncle could change his mind… I have a father, and I’m not just a criminal, and maybe we could convince him…”

“He’s agreed,” Fili cut him. “We have his permission. Mother’s too. It’s okay. We’re _allowed_.”

Ori couldn’t help a gasp.

Thorin had agreed.

That wasn’t the plan _at all_. The plan was to spend the following weeks or even _months_ proving that he’d _changed_ , that he could make a good consort, that he knew how to deal with people now, that he could make people forget what had happened with Kili. It had never occurred to him that Thorin would just let them be. He had no idea how he was supposed to react to that, he hadn’t prepared for that option.

“May I kiss you?” Fili blurted out. “Or, or just hold your hand? I just… you’re here. You’re _here_ , and Thorin _doesn’t mind_ , and I’m feeling like it’s a dream… It’s too good to be real…”

Something in his voice made Ori’s heart clench, and he quickly took the prince’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Fili’s hand was warm, his skin a little rough, and just the feel of it made Ori shiver.

“It’s real,” he said as firmly as he could. “It’s _all_ real. I’m _here_ , and I’m never leaving again, not unless you want me to.”

“Never at all then,” Fili answered with a smile.

Ori expected a kiss then, but the prince seemed content just holding his hand, as if he didn’t want more…

Or maybe he just didn’t _dare_ to try for more, Ori realized. He still remembered that letter where his lover had wondered if he was allowed to desire him… a dwarf capable to ask that to someone who’d _sent them a nude portrait_ wouldn’t dare to make the first step even for a kiss, would he?

Well, it just meant Ori would have to make that step then.

So he lifted his free hand to the prince’s cheek, and leant forward to press his lips against Fili’s. The prince gasped softly and tightened his grip on Ori’s hand, but otherwise didn’t move. At all.

Objectively it wasn’t the best kiss in Ori’s life.

Objectivity could go fuck itself, because really, it _was_.

Fili didn’t dare to move for the first kiss, but he started kissing back with the second one, shyly, tentatively, as if he still weren’t sure he was _allowed_. By the third kiss, he had moved his free hand to Ori’s hip, pulling him closer.

Before they could go for a fourth one, they heard voices and separated quickly. Ori felt a little embarrassed that he had forgotten they were in a rather public location, and that being caught snogging the heir to the throne wouldn’t exactly a great way to start the diplomatic relations between Gabilbizar and Erebor.

“So what happens now?” Fili asked, pressing his forehead against Ori’s.

“Now we figure out how it all works, I suppose,” Ori answered, unable to resist a quick peck at his lover’s lips. “Or if you meant more ‘what happens this very instant’... I can stay here a little, but I’ll have to go back to… wherever it is our delegation is staying. I hope you will walk me there, because I have no idea where I am supposed to go. I translated it all, but I didn’t pay any attention to what it actually meant.”

Fili chuckled. “Ah, well. If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what happened after the moment you appeared?”

“What a pair we make… we’ll have to pretend we _can_ focus on things you know, or they might decide we shouldn’t be together after all.”

“I’d like to see them _try_ ,” Fili whispered fiercely. “I have you now, no one is _ever_ taking you from me again. I’m not making that mistake again.”

Ori grinned happily, and barely resisted the impulse to kiss him again. He wanted to, though. But he had a feeling that if they did that again, they wouldn’t stop until they really were caught, and it was maybe something they should try to avoid.

Getting caught on the first day would have been ridiculous.

They had to wait until at least the second day.

“Can you take me back to the delegation, please? I have permission to… to talk to you and make sure… make sure I was right to come, but it’s probably best if I go back now… I need to remind everyone of a few things, and then we’ll have to start unpacking… it’s not that I don’t want to stay without! The Maker knows I do! But…”

“Duty calls,” Fili chuckled with a quick kiss. “I understand. I suppose I need to go too, anyway. If nothing else, I have to prepare for the feast tonight, and to make sure Kit is ready too.”

“I can’t wait to meet her. Will she be here tonight?”

“Just long enough to be introduced to your prince, she’s still too young to stay… But you could come to my apartments tomorrow afternoon, I’ll introduce you… I’m sure she’s going to love you.”

“And I already love her,” Ori replied.

At least, he hoped he did. It would be bad if Kit and him didn’t get along… He’d brought toys, just in case, the best he’d found in Gabilbizar. Part of him felt bad that he was considering buying a child’s affection, but things had to work between him and the little princess. She was so important for Fili, she was his _daughter_ … It _had_ to work between them.

It would work. If he could deal with elves and orcs, if he could have dealt with Thelor and all the lords of Gabilbizar, then certainly, he could convince a child to give him a chance.

Maybe.

After stealing another kiss, they left the balconies, Fili guiding Ori through the streets and corridors of Erebor. They didn’t let go of each other’s hand for one moment, not until Ori had to go inside the embassy, and there was no choice.

  
  


It shouldn’t have surprised Ori to have Khim and all the others run to him as soon as he was inside. They all more or less knew why he was there, even if they didn’t all know that the lover he had come to see was the heir to the throne. It was a little embarrassing to have everyone around him, asking him how it had been, but he smiled anyway, and assured them that it was all fine.

  
  


It certainly _wasn’t_ a surprise when they all came back from the feast organized in their honour to find Ari, Dori and Nori waiting at the door of the embassy. And Ori, who had managed to keep his cool when facing his lover, and all of Erebor, broke into tears as he ran to his mother and brothers. Not that his family was in a much better state; even Nori seemed affected, going so far as to voluntarily hug his brother.

Khim, very politely, invited them inside, and ordered some tea for them before he and the rest of the Ironfists went to bed.

“You’ve grown so much,” Ari whispered as she sat next to him, stroking his braids.

“I haven’t, not really,” Ori mumbled. “There’s hobbits taller than me, I swear.”

“There’s more than one way of growing up, jewel. You have grown so much, I am not sure  if I would have known you in the street. You look like a great lord...”

“More like a pretty toy,” Nori sneered, and Dori slapped the back of his head. “What? It’s true. Thelor himself admitted it. Most of Ori’s job is to look pretty.”

“ _Part_ of my job is to look pretty,” Ori protested wth a worried look at his mother, not wanting her to get any wrong idea about what he did. “To… to distract people, and make them less careful around me. But it’s not all I do, not by far!”

Ari chuckled, and pulled her youngest son to herself to kiss his brow.

“Don’t listen to your brother, he’s just jealous because you’re more handsome than he is. You know how vain Nori gets.”

“I am not vain. Dori is.”

“I’m not vain either!” Dori exclaimed. “I just happen to _know_ that I am good looking.”

“Vain old thing.”

“You can talk. Show off.”

“Old man.”

“The worse flirt in all of Erebor.”

“At least I know how to have fun.”

Ori sniggered, and huddled close to his mother, laughing with her as they watched the other two argue playfully.

Some things didn’t change.

  
  


Not that all reunions were happy one.

It took Fili two weekd to tell Ori that Karad was in Erebor, and it felt like good news at first. The young dwarf had come to believe that something bad had happened to her, that she had died maybe… the ravens of Gabilbizar were usually strong, and as sturdy as the dwarves who used them, but accidents still happened. It was the only thing that could have explained her long absence, after all.

He never could have imagined the truth.

Seeing Karad, his bird, his _friend_ , hop clumsily toward him in the birds’ tower had him almost break into tears. Instead, he had fallen to his knee to take her in his arms, hugging her tight.

“We did all we could,” Fili explained, standing a few feet away from them. “We weren’t even sure she would make it at first, because she wouldn’t eat… but we managed to save her. But her wings… there was nothing to be done about that.”

“How could anyone do that?” Ori whispered, burrowing his head in the dark feather on the raven’s back. “How could Kili… I mean, I thought… I thought it was just because I wasn’t what he wanted… I thought he was still nice, other than that. But he… he isn’t, is he?”

Ori turned to Fili, but the prince looked away, his fists clenched.

“No, he isn’t nice,” Fili hissed after a moment. “But he won’t hurt anyone ever again. Not this time. We’ll make sure of it, I promise.”

The younger dwarf nodded. With Karad still in his arms, he stood up and walked toward the prince to kiss him on the cheek.

“Don’t look so grim. She’s alive, that’s all that matters.”

“But if I had…”

“No buts!” Ori cut him with another quick kiss, to his lips this time. “Because for everything you think you’ve done wrong, there’s a moment where I’ve been a damn idiot.”

“I let him _hurt you_.”

Ori sighed, and exchanged a look with Karad. He put her back on the ground, before turning again toward Fili. It was something they had to talk about sooner or later. Ori wished it would have been later, and that for a moment they could have just enjoyed being together at last… but it wasn’t that easy. He could feel the guilt of his lover in the way Fili would sometimes withdraw, just as he was doing then, so tense, refusing to even look at him…

They had to talk about Kili, and they had to do it _now_.

“You didn’t let him do it,” Ori told him softly, “or if you did, then so did I. You probably tried to stop him more than I did, and you tried to warn me, you tried to help me, but I didn’t want that help.”

“You didn’t know.”

“I didn’t want to know. He was… good at making me think I wanted things that I didn’t want. And I thought… I was stupid. I thought doing everything he asked was the only way to make him love me… and I knew I had to make him love me. I knew he didn’t feel the way I did. I just thought I could make that change. I couldn’t, though, I know it now. People like him… they don’t change. He would never have loved me, not really. Even if we had stayed in Ered Luin, even if he hadn’t met Diat… I think sooner or later, he’d have hurt me anyway.”

“I still should have done more. I shouldn’t have chosen Erebor and my brother over you.”

Ori sighed again, and slipped his arms around the prince’s waist. It still felt strange to be able to touch, and he knew Fili too felt unsure about it sometimes. In the two weeks since Ori had arrived, Fili had never done the first move. He wouldn’t let go once he was holding Ori’s hands, or if he had the younger dwarf in his arms, so the translator knew that the prince did want to be with him, but he hoped someday he wouldn’t have to always initiate things.

Still, there was something nice in the way Fili would tense for a few seconds whenever Ori touched him, before relaxing entirely, as if he were melting.

“You didn’t have a choice, not really,” Ori insisted, kissing him. “You did what you had to do. Who’s not to say I wouldn’t have done the same for Dori or Nori? It’s be more likely to be Nori though. Dori is smart enough to not get in that sort of trouble.”

“But I…”

“No more buts I said! Fili, it’s done, it’s over, and we can’t change it. Trust me, I… I regret it as much as you do. You feel bad because you made the choice to protect your family, and the government of Erebor. I feel bad because I was a damn child who didn’t know the difference between making compromises and being taken advantage of, and who thought that people were trying to separate him from his one true love, when you were all actually trying to protect me. I feel bad too. But I won’t let Kili and the things he’s done stand between us. Not _again_.”

“That sounded rehearsed,” Fili said with a shy smile.

Ori snorted. “It was. A little. It doesn’t mean it’s not true, though. I have felt bad about what happened with Kili for so long, I’m tired of it. I want to move on. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy with you, but it’s not going to work if you feel guilty.”

“I never knew you were so bossy,” Fili chuckled. “I think I like it. And I’ll… try to not feel so bad? But I might forget. You’ll have to remind me.”

“I suppose I’ll just have to kiss you until you can’t think about it anymore then. A terrible chore, but I must do what I can to help the heir to the throne.”

And with these words Ori claimed his lover’s lips again, enjoying the sheer miracle it was to finally be with Fili, finally touch him and kiss him. Until Karad, feeling rather ignored and not enjoying it, started pecking at his legs to demand his attention again. The two dwarves kneeled down next to her then, petting her and giving her small pieces of fruits, one of Fili’s hands never leaving Ori’s the whole time.

  
  


They were engaged three months after Ori’s return, and married a year after that.

Some days were easy, while others were not.

They had arguments, and moments of passion.

There were good times, and not so good ones.

And some night, when Ori came home after dealing with merchants and stubborn Ironfists, he would find his husband cooking while their daughter played or read. He would help Fili with whatever needed help, talking about their respective day, laughing or sympathizing. And when dinner would be ready, they would sit in front of the fire and eat with Kit between them.

They were happy, at last.

  
  


The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it. Thank you so much to everyone for ready this monster of a fic.
> 
> Special thanks to Manhattan_Mom for her help and encouragement when I was a little stuck
> 
> And I realize I kept forgetting to link to some lovely fanart I got, so here;  
> http://bodysnatch3r.tumblr.com/post/62722697349/ (Ori and Amdir-the-racist-elf)  
> http://asparklethatisblue.tumblr.com/post/61767995347/ (daddy!Fili)  
> http://asparklethatisblue.tumblr.com/post/61762880668/ (Nori being a little shit)  
> http://ofinkandquill.tumblr.com/post/60745871616/ (Oriand Karad)
> 
> Concerning future plans, I intend towrite again on the dream Verse (you might have noticed the fic is now part of a series) but I also hope to go back to older fics that I have abandonned in favour of this one...  
> So basically what I'm saying is:I have no idea what I'm gonna do XD
> 
> But again:THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND THE COMMENTS AND THE KUDOS, YOU WERE ALL LOVELY AND WONDERFUL ;3;


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